I didn't believe he would come back because the OW so much younger, prettier, and fun.

And actually, he stayed away for four years.

tell me what have you learned about yourself.

I need to go back and read your story, but until I do....

Who were you before D-day? Were you destroyed? And what is your hope through the holidays?

SkinsGal -

You'll have hard time finding my story here - too many posts.

My ex was very good man. I knew him long before we married. And I always admired him. I thought we were were soulmates. We married, and raised our kids together - 8 in all, my 2 sons, his 3 daughters, son and their 2 sisters. Life was good and then, when the kids left home, D-day.

Wow,

What was the turning point for you in your recovery?

What lessons would you like me to learn from you if there are too many posts?

What do you believe is your purpose for being on here? Or what message do you like to carry to others?

skinsgal:

You ARE doing it. Don't you see? You are with your son. You are playing a game. You are conversing with people here. Right in this moment--NOW--you are doing it, bringing light into the lives of others. The fact that your WH is turning away from that right now is a reflection on him.

As painful as it is.

And I wonder, too, everyday, if the A will ever end. You are sure not alone there...and like believer said, I don't believe it will ever end, either. Someday I hope to be one of those who can reassure newbies that it does end...even if in my case it didn't end in time to save my marriage. I hope to be one to reassure newbies that no matter the outcome, they can emerge better people for having survived this.

Believer is a great role model.

I'm around, and alone (sigh) this weekend, too. So I don't mind keeping you company. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From my perspective, a purpose for believer being here is to serve as an example to those of us who do not recover our marriages, but who survive nonetheless.

BR reminded me not too long before she left that Dr. H's book is called "Surviving an Affair," not "Recovering a Marriage." This is a trauma that IS survivable...personally...if not maritally (is that a word?).

Believer is here to support us through all the Plan As and Plan Bs, but all the while showing us that if the end result is divorce, we will be okay, and can still support others, and contribute to the growth of others.

She does this with grace, compassion and integrity. What a gift.

Hi LiLSis,

I would love to keep company with you while my YS kicks my touckis....

Thanks Lil, I needed that about me doing it, right now.

I have to be honest, I haven't read much of your story. Can you tell me about it? Or do you prefer me to read it.

Believer is a great role model. Actually those of us who find this site end up really being the lucky ones. How are you doing tonight?

What do you do to rejuvenate yourself?

I feel like my purpose here is to lift others up like I have been lifted up. I never thought I would recover. I never thought the affair would end. But they all do. They end.

My ex called me last night several times. He called me this morning. I ignored all of his calls. It is so strange - the thing I wanted most has happened, but now it makes no difference.

It's so funny I can't even imagine being in that place that you are in.

I think that I am still stuck in not believing that even if my M doesn't recover I will come out of this a better person and whole.

I do have my faith and I have my relationship with G-d and this website. I do know how blessed and grateful I am, but somehow I have to get to that place where whatever happens will be ok.

How did you get there? Time or was it a specific event or G-d.

See, believer's experience is still unfolding, and still teaching us all.

sg: my story is very long and very sordid. There's a couple of huge threads from my Plan A and Plan B. Now I'm just coasting along in a Plan B, waiting for the final signed D papers to arrive in the mail any day.

OW (aka RT--short for Rat Turd--don't ask me how we came up with that nickname) was a "friend." Our OSs (now 12) went to preschool together, and that is when we met. We remained acquaintances after the kids moved on to elementary school (different ones); each year we would sign them up for the same t-ball/baseball team.

WH is a cop, and RT is a SAHM. She and her H (now XH) had three children. In early 2004, about time for baseball to start, we began doing things together socially, and RT's OS began calling DAILY to play afterschool. We became closer as families, playing cards, going out to eat, kids sleeping over, trips to the beach...

Turns out it was all cover for the A. It had begun in March 2004. I was highly uncomfortable with the flirtatious nature of WH and RT's interactions...lots of joking and occasional touching.

But WH had always been such a totally moral and upright man who had nothing but disdain for cheaters. He was helpful, generous, honest...on his deathbed my dad asked WH to take care of my mom.

I asked WH repeatedly to back off on the "friendship" with RT and he scoffed that there was nothing going on (I was "over-reacting"). At one point, I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me there was nothing going on. He did: he leaned in close, looked me square in the eye and said it.

At that point, I had already spent two years not knowing what was happening to my marriage, being blamed by him for not trusting him, being hurt by snide and cruel remarks, feeling marginalized and unloved. I was convinced he was suffering from depression--I read books and websites about male depression.

D-day was 6/28/06. I discovered an unknown email account, with explicit emails from my "friend." The woman whom I had shared meals with, went bike-riding with, talked to...

On 7/10/06, he told me that he couldn't commit to never seeing her again, and I took the kids to my moms (an hour away). I called a couple of days later, and he told me that he and RT had gotten together after I left and decided that they couldn't imagine their lives without each other. Our marriage was over.

He moved in with his parents and lived there until about two months ago, when he finally bought his own house.

RT's H filed immediately and their D has been final for a year.

I didn't discover MB until a year ago, by which time I had nearly had a nervous breakdown, spent two nights in jail for assaulting RT, and was down to 90 pounds. I was a wreck...a total wreck.

I'm better now. I'm back in my old clothes, probation is almost over, and I've found MB--thank GOD. I did a (too late) Plan A, and I've been in Plan B since March.

That sums up about 200 pages of posts...

None of us can. It only happens little by little, and takes a looooong time. My biggest fear at this point is being alone forever. I KNOW I'm a better person. I KNOW I'm whole....even though there's this loneliness and "feeling alone-ness," I KNOW that I am a worthy, good enough, creation of God.

Well, then it sounds like you are in a really good place to start. With this knowledge in your pocket, you will be sustained on this journey. It is a long journey, and painful, and scary.

You are asking believer, but for me it has just been time, and a LOT of hard work. I have not gone back and read my early posts...it would be too painful...but I know that I have grown and changed SO much. I have a relationship with God now that I never had before. There have been people here who have forcibly kept me on the right path, and supported me when I was down.

Wow, is your M over because you wanted it to be over or the A is still going.

How awful the hurt and betrayal must have been for you. I am so sorry you went through that pain.

How did you survive, what did you do to take care of yourself.

What have you learned the most from this site.

Ok, now I need to be selfish. If you have read my sitch, do you think there is hope?

No, I didn't want it over. The A is still going. They are almost to four years, now, all together. A year and a half out in the open.

Thanks to his parents, however, WH and RT were spared the pain of living with the immediate consequences of their choices. ILs gave WH sanctuary after he deserted his wife and children. So he was in effect cake eating....getting plenty of needs met by his mom and dad, and getting RT at the same time.

I didn't take care of myself for a long time. I still don't, but mostly now because I don't have time. Single motherhood makes for really long days. I have a great therapist, incredible friends and family who have supported me immensely, and a terrific job. And occasionally I indulge in some retail therapy.

The most valuable lessons I learned on this site were lessons about myself. I would encourage you to get a copy of "The Language of Letting Go" by Melanie Beatty (is that right, guys? I gave away my copy!?! Yikes!)

I can control only myself.

I am worthy and valuable.

Live in the precious present.

It is okay to feel fear, anger, pain. Feel the feelings and let them go.

It is okay to take care of myself...in fact I am responsible for taking care of myself, and am quite capable of doing so.

It is okay to CHOOSE to take care of others, but I am not responsible for others, nor am I capable of making them take care of themselves.

I can trust myself. I am enough...God created me and doesn't make mistakes.

I can ASK FOR HELP.

I don't have to be perfect. People love me--probably more so!--in spite of my (many) flaws.

Boundaries are for ME--to protect me--not to control others.

****

Hope? What do I know about hope? I still find myself pulling out the hope card and ruminating over it from time to time.

In terms of marital recovery, my sitch is pretty much irreparable. I suspect I will end up like believer (if the A ever ends). However--HOWEVER--I do not know what is in God's plan.

HOPE is a little too much living in the future for me. Which Bible verse is it where it says something about not making plans for the future--always say "God willing" first or something?

We just don't know what the future holds, nor can we know the plans that God has for us.

Right now is enough.

HOPE for strength, peace, courage, happiness...don't HOPE for a particular outcome.

I'll go back and read your sitch.

Wow,

I actually have that book and began reading it when I was in my house. But since I have moved, haven't picked it up. There is so much to read between Torah, spirituality books etc. Don't have enough time.

My sitch is in a few threads because I was impatient in the beginning and kept asking for help, but not sticking to one thread. Let me know if I can fill in any blanks.

The story is unbelievable, truly I think. And of course I think it's the worst of anyone on here.

You have such words of strength. I can feel it as well. What kind of a person have you become?

I can imagine you are loved by so many people. As I am, it overwhelms me how much support and love I have from the people in my life. But something inside of me says it doesn't matter because the one person I trusted most in my life, rejected me the deepest. It is worst than my parents rejection of me.

I try to think what bothers me the most of this and partly because I am afraid I will never be in another loving relationship and there is so much love inside of me to give to someone. I know it's way too premature, but that's part of the reason I married my H. I was afraid that no one else would ever love me.