I'm going to lay it out there for everyone.

I had an affair. I wasn't in love with the man, in fact, there were times that I didn't even like him, yet it continued, on and off. The emotional affair was more involved than the physical affair, but lets be honest, it doesn't matter which one it was. It happened. Today is Sunday. On Friday, at noon, I told my husband of the affair. The affair has been over for more than a year now, and we've moved 6000 miles from where it took place. I told my husband for a number of reasons.
1. I hated lying to him.
2. Lying to him all this time was killing our relationship. I hadn't let myself be myself with him since the affair began.
3. Guilt. I know this is an awful reason to share such a horrible thing with the person you love most, but I need to be upfront. I couldn't take feeling that way anymore. I wanted to be honest with him.
4. My eldest daughter. She looks, acts, walks, everything, like my husband, but there is a sliver of doubt.

My husband is aware of the affair. He knows the man it took place with. He hasn't flipped out yet, but I'm expecting that will happen, as it should. Tonight is the first time that he's talking with someone about it. My husband was the first person that I told about the affair. No friends, no family members, no internet forums. For over a year, I've been telling myself that I don't deserve my husband, that he's too good for me, that I'm an awful human being. I've come clean, but that doesn't change those things. My husband tells me that we will work through this and that in the end we will be okay. He's unsure at this point in time if he wants to have a paternity test done on our daughter. I called my doctor this morning. She's the first person (other than my husband) that I've disclosed this to. She gave me some advice and I'm hoping that some of you can elaborate, agree, disagree, offer something more. She told me that the affair having been over for more than a year, at this point, getting into details, would hurt our marriage more than it would help it. She also told me that before having a paternity test done on my daughter, my husband needs to be in a place emotionally and mentally where he's willing to accept her as his daughter regardless of the biological outcome. My daughter will be 2 in March. We have another daughter, that will be 1 in June. The affair was over by the time I was pregnant the second time. I have no questions about her.
Please understand, I love my husband. I would give anything to change this. I was selfish, inconsiderate, mean, disrespectful and unloving. And, I don't know why. I didn't make a mistake, I made a choice. All I want now is to be able to take his pain away. I know that he has to go through a grieving process of his own, that he's entitled to whatever amount of time he needs. He tells me that we will get through, that we will be okay. That I need to stop telling him that he deserves better because it's starting to make him think that I want him to go. My husband is an amazing man. Contrary to what many may think, I don't believe that there was a problem with our relationship to begin with. i think it was me. Obviously it was me. Does anyone have any suggestions, thoughts, advice that they can share?

I'm sorry to have gone on for so long.

Thank you for any feedback.

WWS,

I'm glad you're here! You have made tremendous strides in trying to repair the damage caused by your affair.

Please be patient for the pro's to respond. Weekends are notoriously slow.

I think it's excellent that you've taken responsibility for your affair and told your H. It may be a good idea for your H to write down all the questions he has about it and you respond to all the questions. There's a letter (I believe it's in "Just found out" or "Recovery") called Joseph's letter.

Also, read His Needs/Her needs and Surviving an Affair. It also sounds like you have quite a husband. Take care and stick with it. (Also, thank you for being strong enough to post).

I'm so scared. I feel awful. I tried to be strong when I was putting up that first post. I love my husband so much. He truly is the most incredible thing to ever happen to me. I'm so afraid that we'll never get back what we had. All because of what I've done. I'm afraid that he'll never be able to really love me again.

Sorry, just a tear filled vent there....

That's ok WWS.

You may want to see if you H would like to come here for some support as well...he could start his own thread.

Have you told your H how incredible he is? They say it takes about 2 yrs to recover from an affair with both people working on it. You wont get back what you had, but you can get back an even stronger marriage with work. There are many here who are more in love than ever before...because they put in the work to get there.

I've told him over and over how amazing he is. How I'll never hurt him like this again. He's asked me not to make that kind of promise. I've told him that he's the only man I want, the only one I need.

What am I going to do if my daughter isn't his? I can't imagine anyone but him being her father, they're so close, and he's already looking at her and questioning it and I know it's breaking his heart. That's the hardest part really. I would take all the pain if only he didn't have to hurt. I would hold onto all of it for the rest of time if I thought it would change his heartache.

I don't think he'll be open to coming here. He may come on and read some posts, but I don't think he would solicit advice from a group of people that he doesn't know. He's not talking to anyone from home either though, as we don't want our families to know. I'm so grateful to him for that. He's talking to someone in the new country that we live in. I'm rambling again....

OK, Feedback:

1. Good with the coming clean part. My first, best suggestion is for you to set up phone counseling with the Harley's here. They'll ask to talk with your husband too---and if he's willing, it'll be a great avenue of support. But you should do it regardless.

2. Read up on the stuff here (get the books if you like). One of Harley's policies is Radical Honesty. You've already started down that road with disclosing the affair. If your husband does need the details---and has considered the ramifications carefully, then you should give them to him freely. If you're already well on your way to recovery, this may not be necessary for him. But it's his decision---his part of the recovery.

3. If you had the affair for no good reason---you are an 'at risk' WS. You're going to have to take extraordinary precautions to ensure this will never happen again. Firm boundaries against opposite sex friendships need to be in place. Any time you even have a tingle for someone other than your spouse---you need to tell your husband about it.

4. With regard to the genetic testing---I'd leave that up to your husband as well. My third child (I'm the husband) is the product of my wife's affair---but that I can say with certainty. No testing needed. If I were in an uncertain situation, I think I personally would want to know, even though the outcome would not affect my love for the child.

With work, you will get a much stronger, better marriage than you had before (and excellent point, BringItOn. But you need to start with the program, and early recovery can sometimes be very tricky to negotiate. That's why I suggest getting some expert coaching.

K & BringItOn -
Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm trying, I truly am. I want this marriage more than I've ever wanted anything.
The OM and I worked very closely together, we worked long hours. I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I don't know. I don't have an excuse and I'm not in the market to make one up, I just want my family to heal.
Unfortunately, I'm living in a part of the world where calling the Harleys is NOT an option at all. Do you have any other suggestions? Even where I am, the availability of MC is very limited and frowned upon...

If he is already looking at her differently then take the test right away, before the doubt does too much damage. Your doctor if he/she is the kids doctor also may already have the means available if the OM and the Husband had different blood types. Just a thought.

My husband got home after talking with a friend of his and we talked about everything again.

I told him that I'd signed on with this forum and that I'd spoken to my doctor this morning (she and I continue to text each other throughout the day). As I said before, I live in a part of the world where marriage and individual counseling is frowned upon. That makes it very difficult to do. The options are quite limited.

My H is being very balanced about things. He's been in a 12 step program for 22 years, that's part of what's helping him through right now. He told me not to confuse his calmness for him being okay. That he's incredibly angry and so hurt by the prospect of our firstborn not being his child. However, he's not in a position to find out anything with her just yet. We need to wait till a point in time where he's not as angry, not as hurt, and that may take a long time.

We've established a few of the rules that you folks helped me understand.

No name calling.
No discussing details.
No contact rule.
Honesty.
No placing blame.
No accepting blame on his part.


I need to keep in touch with you folks. I think this forum, coupled with seeing my doctor, if not an actual counselor, is what is going to help get us through. He said tonight that we can't be better until I'm better and he can't focus on whether or not I'm okay because he won't be able to deal with any of his own things.

Can I try to count on you guys to help me out? Thanks for listening...

Not to cross an elder, but I hope you don't mean to say that there exist good reasons for having an affair? I *think* I know what you meant, and that it just didn't come across as intended...can you please clarify this?

I disagree with the no discussing details rule. Your husband deserves answers to any questions that he might have.

While it might be less painful TO YOU to refuse to discuss them, it won't help him any.

You gave this child to your husband as his. He accepted this child into his home as it's father. He has loved and cared for this child since birth, and that makes him the father. End of discussion. OM is out of the picture (I assume) Leave him out of the picture if you want to save your family.

If your husband has the capacity to love you after learning of your indiscretion, he certainly has the capacity to love that child as his own regardless of her lineage. Do not have the child tested. Not now. Not ever. Wait until your painfully flawed plan of "don't ask don't tell" that you have cooked up with your doctor fails to save your marriage, and then you need to figure out who will be financially responsible for this child.

Don't get me wrong. I do hope you are able to save your family. I have walked in your husbands shoes, and I feel for him greatly. He doesn't know it now, but he has been given an incredible opportunity with this. You really need to read and understand SAA. You need to realize that secrecy will destroy any trust that your husband has left. He really needs to ask questions, and you really need to answer them. Not now, but when he is ready.

I don't know what your culture is, but I hope your life wouldn't be in danger if this was exposed, because I really feel that your family's should be told the truth about your affair. Not about the child.

Believer is 100% correct.

If your husband [BS] wants details, the onus is on you to provide him with as much detail as he requires.

Jo

This is a classic letter ... applicable when a WS is not willing to disclose the details of the affair ... but wants to recover the marriage ...

Joseph's Letter:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

we_will_survive:

My suggestion is right now for you and your husband to read about two things in the concepts area:

1. The Policy of Joint Agreement

2. The Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiations

When you both are on board with the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), and you understand the rules of negotiation to be able to get to that 'mutually enthusiastic agreement' in a way that builds love---then much of the other issues will be taken care of by these.

You need to care for each other (meet important emotional needs). Protect each other (eliminate lovebusters). Spend time with each other (15 hrs/week). Be honest with each other (complete, total transparency). If you learn to do this with the principles of the POJA and the negotiation rules, you'll build love for each other and recover from this.

If you can't do the long-distance phone counseling, then yes---if your doctor understands these principles and can support you, that will be a help. The boards here can be a mixed bag, because not everyone understands or believes in the MB principles, so you'll have to sort through the advice.

The book store is also an excellent place to get the materials you may need. Surviving an Affair wouldn't hurt---although if you're truly at the no contact/recovery stage, it probably won't be as helpful as a set of His Needs/Her Needs, Give and Take, and Lovebusters. And I'm not sure about Harley's more recent books---so someone might want to chime up here with additional book advice. I would suggest that you buy all four books---and although there is overlap, it never hurts to read it twice... I can still recite a lot of stuff from those books, and it's been nearly 10 years since I looked at them.

And we_will_survive; the disagreement that you see with other posters here is one of the difficult things to deal with on the board. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important---if your husband wants to know details, then you two need to negotiate in a way that will help you to reveal them ('enthusiastic agreement' might change to 'doesn't completely suck' for issues around affairs). If your husband doesn't want to know for the time being, and you don't have a compulsion to share---then that's OK. He may decide later to ask. People process these things in their own way, and on their own time (and expect at least a couple months for your husband). What is of paramount importance is that the WAY you deal with issues builds love between the two of you, and doesn't tear it down.

we_will_survive,

Listen carefully to K, he has been through this. I would also tell you that there are stages of recovery and for the most part they are predictable. You and your H are very very new to this and it will be weeks or months before he gets his balance.

You should do as K has suggested, but be aware that YOU cannot heal your H, that he has to do himself. You can however support him and you can come here and learn.

Some one asked if K meant that there were "good" reasons for having an affair, and the answer is no. What K meant is that the Betrayed spouse, BS, will try and fix this marriage to make it affair proof. Hopefully the WS will as well.

The issue is if there are no obvious things for the BS to fix, that leaves them pretty defenseless and it makes it hard to build trust IN THEMSELVES that they have any control in this marriage. You see while you are focusing on yourself as you should, your H has many doubts now, and some of the most painful are doubts about himself as your H.

I would suggest you see if you can find some books on boundaries, I believe there is a book by Townsend and Cloud (I believe) on boundaries. Why boundaries? You need to ask yourself, how you allowed yourself to violate your own morals, your own vows, your own boundaries. What did you tell yourself to make this OK? You see people here are aware that the WS often makes the BS a villian in this to justify their affair, but internally your H could have been the biggest creep in the world and your own morals, vows, and sense of what is right should have kept you from having an affair. That did not happen, why not?

You are right that excuses and reasons often sound very much alike but reasons lead to actions, excuses just lead to the status quo. You are looking for action items here. You will need to develop a plan to address those action items when you identify them.

You will find that this site is big on plans, real plans, not my diet plan ("I plan to lose 20 lbs this year."). That is not a plan that may be generously called a goal. A plan has milestones, feedback channels, check points, and goals. It is concrete. You need such a plan to protect your marriage and your H.

Over time the presence of this plan and your actions will allow your H to feel that he may be safe to continue this marriage. It is fair to include him in your plans to provide accountability for you.

Please read the articles here, and realize that recovery takes time, years is the nominal yardstick.

God Bless,

JL

WWS,

For a Counselor in your area skilled in MB principles, please click on the "Local Help - CLICK HERE" or on the link at the top right of this site.

That will take you to the "MB Partner Registry" where you can then search for a Registry Partner (counselor) in your area.

Hope this helps.
Jo

WWS,

Could you provide us some information???

How old are you and your H?
How long have you been married?
Could tell us how long the affair lasted?

And a timeline?

You see you say the affair has been over for a year, and that you have a 1 year old. You say he is for sure your H's, but the time line would not seem to agree with this.

The reason for asking all of this is because there are some predictable timelines for recovery but they depend somewhat on the details I have asked of you.

Be calm, this can be worked out. Your H can heal, just give him a chance. It will be rocky.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Bitbucket...

That wasn't the best wording, was it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

What I should have said is that the state of the marriage was in relatively good shape (it sounds like), regarding Emotional Needs and Lovebusting (Care and Protection). That's an area that if eroded (your spouse doesn't meet your needs and beats you up) will help to set the stage for an affair.

In this case the areas that look like the real issues are the area of Time (not spending enough together) and Honesty (which is 99% of the time an issue during an affair). There's also a big component of personal boundary issues with the opposite sex.