I don't think you worded it badly and I'm not chastizing you. I'm asking you to look deeper. You say..I feel bad, how can I feel better?

The answer is..learn to stop THINKING about how you FEEL.

Make sense?

Have you ever had a headache..and before you have a chance to go take that tylenol you were intent on getting the phone rings, and it's a close friend who keeps you tied up laughing and chatting for say..30 min...and then long after you hang up you suddenly remember that you had a headache before?

It's a lot like that. If you are having a migraine or an anuerism obviously you need to intervene and feel better medically ..but if it is a run of the mill passing "headache" then the real solution is to learn to fill your life with more things that crowd out the feeble pangs that make noise for no reason and not give them more of your attention than is really necessary.

It also helps to learn to not glom all things together..so if you get a pang that says.."Oh I REGRET that DD may not be DHs!"...it is OK to just go ahead and regret it for a minute..maybe even have a short cry. But laying in bed DWELLING on your feelings of regret is feeding the sense of loss...taking it out of perspective. Making you wish for a time machine rather than dealing with what *is* right now today.

Make sense?

AW - Thank you for the feedback. Yes, he is her Dad no matter what. The difficult part is that she has some hilarious traits, that by all reasoning, are his, and he used to joke (used to being all of last week) saying, so, who's side do you think she gets that from? He won't ask that again. It'll hurt him too much to do it. I've thought about finding away to have my 2 girls tested to see if they are full siblings, but doing so behind his back to satisfy my own needs would be wrong.

My husband is very balanced. He won't name call, he won't even say anything mean. I think I almost want him to. That I would feel a bit better if he would just tell me off, but still love me. But, again, that would be putting my needs before his and that's not fair to him. I'm trying really hard to be as supportive to him as I can be. To be there when he needs me and leave him be when he needs a few minutes. I see when he's had a trigger and I go to him at that time. We spend a lot of "together" time. We've made love more in the past 5 days than we have in the last month. I've read that's a way that people reclaim one another. He's told me that it makes him feel good, makes him feel that I want and love him again. Is this healthy? It seems to be very good for both of us emotionally, but I want some input from you guys. Are we not addressing the problem by doing this?

Noodle,

Your handle on feelings and the thinking about it is dead on.

As Mimi reminds me often, this stinkin thinkin will kill ya.

One thing Mimi suggests is shake your head and get those thoughts out of there. I am still learning this, but I HAVE to MASTER THIS FOR MY PERSONAL RECOVERY.

Listen WWS to what they are telling you. It's awesome advice and information to get you through this.

I like you don't get through the pain, you endure it.

Bracha

One reason you might feel bad is the affair.

One other reason is that you dont know if the child is his or not for sure so it would be easy to obsess about it.

If the DNA remains UNKNOWN, then you and your husband will WONDER ABOUT IT, FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, AND OBSESS ABOUT IT.

Why not clear this question up immediately by getting a home DNA kit and taking the samples and doing it.

You would know FOR SURE if it is your husband's DNA or not.

Then, you could deal with the TRUTH, not the UNKNOWN. It is usually a lot easier dealing with the truth. If the baby is his, good. If the baby is not his, he will accept the child anyway.

What have you got to lose by finding out the truth!?

Let me ask you this. My husband said the "woman" ALWAYS knows who the father really is.

Why not get a DNA test unless YOU know your husband is NOT the father.....that would be the only reason NOT to get one and NOT to face the whole truth. If you already knew your H was NOT the father. You must know, right>?

tella,
I look at my daughter and I know she's his. I know it. They have the same addictive personality, the same sense of humor. His hair was red as a child, still has some red, she's strawberry blonde. I'm brunette, the OM was very dark hair. To me, she is his, looks, acts, walks. But, there is doubt. I can't lie and say there isn't. The only doubt is because of PA. I'm not going to allow a conception calculator to determine it for me, but my husband isn't ready to find out....I think he needs to wait until he's dealt with some of the other emotions first.

Noodle - You're right. I need to continue looking at today, not yesterday, not a few years ago. Just today.

Skins - is there any hope for you and your husband still? How have you dealt with things?

Again, thank you all so much.

I'm going to stop constantly telling my husband that I'm sorry. To look at him and say I'm sorry is only going to keep reminding him of what I've done. I also need to stop telling that I'm an awful person. I need to deal with my emotions and then move on to the next thing.

WWS,

Give yourself time, and talk to your H about his feelings from time to time. It often isn't easy for us guys to do this, but as I mentioned to you earlier, anger is a secondary reaction to primary ones. Focus a bit on the primary ones, especially if you sense he is angry. He is trying to protect you, and you can protect him by learning more about him.

Given your distance and difficulty with counseling I would suggest you find someone where you life IF there is someone. Your Dr. sounds as if she is a sympathetic ear. Perhaps she will help, but she is not trained to deal with this either.

Now having said this, I think one of the best ways to learn is via others. You know what they say:

A fool doesn't learn from his mistakes.
A smart man learns from his mistakes.
A bright man learns from OTHER PEOPLES mistakes.

You have at your command amazing resources. Permit me to suggest to you that you learn from the stories that have preceeded you.

I would suggest that you search for AW's first posts and then follow them. Another would be KiwiJ's posts from when she first came on. Search for them by year start back where you don't find any of their posts you can use their user number which you do have for AW.

Another story I think you should read is K's story. Your H may not be in the same situation that K is but his story will offer you many insights into your H. K's story is bookmarked on one of his most recent posts. If I find it I'll bookmark it for you. But look at K's post to all of us "old timers".

You will see that there is a way out of this that means you have your H, you have an H that loves you, and you have an H that you love. It can be done, but it takes time and it takes humility on both of your parts.

If I could offer you one word to describe how I would like to see you conduct your live from now on the word would be with GRACE.

You can do this, and it seems as if your H is willing to do the work. You have no idea the uncertainities you have unloosed within your H. But, pay attention, he is questioning HIMSELF more than he is you right now.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Back with K's story, just click on the bookmark K's Story

It seems that she is your H's daughter. He is already assuming the worst and since chances are that she is his, why not just get tested and know for sure. But, you're right, it should be his decision and just support it whatever he decides.

WWS:

One point that hasn't been brought out to you yet:

You have been dealing with this since the first day of your EA.

Your Husband has been dealing with it since Dec 21.

Do you see the difference?

You have had a year to process the end of your A. Your husband just learned of it.

You have had a YEAR of wondering if this child is HIS or OM's.

HE has just started to wonder.

All the timelines start on Dec 21. Not from the date it ended for YOU. On the date that the truth began. Dec 21.

Right NOW, your husband is in shock.

ANYTHING he agrees to right now, would probably not be admissable in court, as he is NOT in his right mind.

Testing? He says NO now, but later?
Details? He says NO now, but later?
Staying together? He says YES now, but later?

Please, it took my BS about FOUR months after Dday to truly feel confident again in making real decisions.

So, do not expect him to just agree, and then everthing is ok going forward.

Many things will still have to be dealt with.

And many things will be redealt with.

But that so YOU KNOW.

Stay around. THe advice is here.

Your 6000 miles away from where you used to be, and it costs $1.25 a minute to call the US. What do your think your M is worth?

Resources are avaiable to call the Harleys for less. You just need to investigate them.

Sorry about your circumstances.

You did BAD things and made BAD choices.

But now you are making GOOD choices. That will make you a BETTER person in the long run.

LG

I believe that no matter what you have done wrong in your marriage, the question of your daughter^s paternity is too important to leave unresolved. I hope you have the tests done soon as I think your full personal recovery will be stalled with the uncertainty that presently exists. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Your A started right as you began your married life. It's a huge dirty secret that's now out in the open but the openness and honesty, not to mention the passion you have for your husband right now, will help you both to lay the groundwork for recovery.

Tuck - I want to have her tested, but I also need to respect my husbands wishes. He needs to be in a mindset that no matter what the test results reveal, she is his daughter. He loves her, he loves her so much, but to find out that she isn't his child could be devastating to him personally and to our marriage. I respect that he wants to hold off on making any decision about that right now. I'm not sure if I could handle it right now either. I so badly want her to be his daughter....there are times that I truly hate myself for having done this to our marriage. We deserved better and I didn't let us have that.
I worry about my husband, he doesn't talk to me much about how he feels. He tells me that he loves me, my goodness, we must tell each other that we love one another 150 times per day. No exaggeration at all. He tells me that the wants us to get old together, he wants us to work this out and be whole again He wants all the same things that I do. When I get upset, he asks if he's done something wrong. He's done nothing, its my own feelings. Looking at him when he's gone somewhere in his mind and seeing the hurt in his eyes, how could I have done this to him, he deserves so much more. If I tell him that he deserves more, he thinks its my way of pushing him away. That I want him to go and that's why I'm telling him that he deserves better. I love this man with my whole heart, I want the healing to begin...heck, I wish it was already healed (yes, I know that's not possible, but one can hope). I want our life back. I want us whole again. I want him to know that I am 100% committed to him and to our marriage and that I want no one else.
Thanks for listening...

just checking how things are going WWS?

I noted your H questions about 'have I done something wrong?' I think right now that he is questioning himself .... what did I do to make you have an affair? what didn't I do? What could I have done? all those sorts of questions.

Should it come up I suggest you gently say to him that he did nothing to 'make' you have an affair, that you choose badly and accept that you take responsiblity for doing that .. words to that effect ... don't belabour the point but reassure your H. He may or may not take any notice right now but he will remember your willingness to accept that it was YOUR mistake and choice.

Its not the short term result here that is important, its the longer term result of keeping your M and family together.

He may eventually yell or scream at you, in fact I do think its better to get that anger out than hold it all in, doesn't matter how he does it either, perhaps yelling and hitting a punching bag at a gym or home if he doesn't feel he can, or does not want to express his anger to you. My H called me every name under the sun, and I felt like everyname he called me to, but we got through it.

Have you got any of the books yet? One of the best that may be helpful is Surviving an Affair ... in it Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe the most common types of affairs ... the reasons they begin and end and of interst for you now the best way to restore marriage after an affair. It also provides a step-by-step guide as well. Please consider getting this one ASAP. Some others here may have further suggestions from other M advisors as well.

All the best

AW

Hey there AW,
I'm doing okay. Not great, but okay. He continues to remind me that I need to look at today and look to tomorrow. Not to the past because that's not going to get us anywhere. We need to address the problem, but not dwell on the details, we need to make today better. He's concerned that I'm the one that won't be able to get over this.
As far as letting his anger out, every once in a while, there's a little tiny something from him, but it's never in direct relation to the affair, at least not outwardly. Part of me thinks everyone would take a step forward if he would flip out on me, but he's not that kind of man. He doesn't name call, hit, use any kind of force. He's always been the "walk away and come back later to deal with it" kind of guy. I'm so grateful for him. I'm looking for your story, but haven't been able to find it. I'm hoping to gain some insight from someone who's been where we are. I'm incredibly lucky to be married to the man that I am. I'll never risk losing him, he's all that I want. He says that he needs me to continue telling him that. Reassure him of my love for him. It's no effort on my part, I want to tell him, constantly, how much I love him. I ant to always be his wife, his partner, his best friend.
We each go to the gym, but have made a firm schedule that unless something major comes up, we're going to stick to. I think that getting to the gym will help both of us have an outlet for some of our feelings. I hate that this is something he has to think about. Something as awful of this has to run around in his head and in his heart. He just deserves so much more. I want us to be happy and am working to do that.
I haven't found the books yet, but I'm still looking. My part of the world doesn't have those things readily available...I want us to heal, not just shove this away somewhere. If we do that, we're destined for trouble down the line and that would be devastating. I want an open, honest, loving marriage, and I want it only with him....

Thanks again for listening.

Hi all. Happy New Year.

My H and I have had a good couple of days. Not great, but good. It's me thats a bit of an emotional disaster, not so much him, at least not outwardly. I worry about him, I worry that he internalizes things too much. He's not open to coming on the board and reading or writing anything. He is processing this, he's just doing it in his own way, I need to allow him that.

I've considered having a siblingship test done on my 2 daughters. When I look at the eldest, I know that she's his. I want him to know that she is as well. At the same time, I think I might fall apart if something different came to light. I have a hard time thinking it will, but who knows. I hate that he'll never ask again, "Where do you think she gets that from?" "What side is that from?" Unless we know for sure, he'll never allow himself to say these things and it will break his heart every time he thinks them and catches himself before saying them.

I continue to meet his emotional needs as best as possible. I ask daily (multiple times daily) what I can do for him, how I can help and what he needs. I let him know that I'm here for him, that although I'm the one that caused the pain, I'm also here as source of support. I continue to let him know how much I love him, how much our marriage means to me and how much I want this to work. He's been reassuring me of the same things.

I want the best for our family. I want him to know that our daughter is in fact his daughter. But, I don't want to do this behind his back and I don't want to pressure him into anything either. Does anyone have any recommendations? Particularly those that have been in this situation before?

Hi WWS,

I hope you don't mind my barging in on your thread. You are getting some excellent advice from some very wise posters. There's just one thing I'm concerned about that I haven't seen anyone else mention: You say that where you are located, it would be dangerous for it to become known that there was an A. How safe is it for you to request a paternity test? How safe is it for you to buy or order SAA? Please take care.

Wait. Do nothing behind his back, no matter how well-meaning.

If you listen to ONE piece of advice on this thread, make it be what K said. Listen to your H. Doing anything without his agreement is not a good idea. Do not presume that you know what is best for the both of you.

PK

You're both 100% right. Before posting that, I knew that was the right thing. I don't ever want to do anything without his knowledge. I've given him passwords to everything (email accounts and the like) he says he doesn't want them. That he trusts me when I tell him that he's the only one, that he knows that I love him and that we need to maintain some sense of normalcy. Is this normal for what we're experiencing? I keep telling him that I'm afraid he's going to come home from work one day and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and that he can't do this. He tells me I need to have a little faith. He's worried that I'm the one that won't be able to get over the guilt and the affair. Am I just incredibly lucky to have a man like him or has something (other than the obvious) gone terribly wrong?

Excellent. Don't do anything without his joint agreement.


Normal is one of those words that has absolutely no meaning at this point. Perhaps the knowledge that you are willing to provide him with your passwords is enough.


Finally, I have a little advice to give. If you've told him this once, you've told him enough. If you need to express it more often (and you very well may!), better you should speak to a therapist. Ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Focus on the good.


I must tell you: he sounds like a gem. Perceptive, too.


You have the choice here to look at the glass half full or half empty. Which is preferable?

Take care. This isn't easy, but it can be done.

PK

Okay, PK, no more telling him that I'm afraid he's going to come home, out of love. If I need to vent that, just a fear, hopefully I can do that with you all. I love my husband and I'm incredibly lucky to have him. Have I mentioned that before? He is a gem. He's this amazing man that has been treated poorly by women his whole life, I was supposed to be different. He told me this saying, I hope no one gets offended by it,

If you've got one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, then you're p&%^ing all over today. Suppose that makes sense, doesn't it?

I'm trying to find every way possible to express my love to him. Do any of the BS's out there have any advice, anything they really needed that they either were or weren't getting? I know that I'm fulfilling all of his emotional and physical needs, I just want to know if there's more I can be doing. I want him happy, he deserves to be happy. He deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, love, kindness and caring, never to be hurt or lied to....