First, realize that we never "get over the affair." But I believe we can move past it.

What steps have been taken by you and your husband to help you both move past it?

MEDC asked:


Can you please answer these so that we may have a better understanding as to where the two of you have been/are?

Have you two been following MBers principles these last 5 years in your attempt to recover your marriage?

He's told me, when I've asked, that he still has feelings for this woman. I don't think there's been any contact. I've tried following MB principles, but I have become withdrawn.

It occurred to me that I need to tell my husband how I feel about how he treated me yesterday when he went off to work and I felt like I'd been checked off his "To Do" list. I'm going back into lurker status, I think, but with something new to try. Thank you.

Please call the Harleys. I fear you are very close to having no love left. They can help you restore your love...both of you.

I'm past no love left. I'm past hate. I'm past despise. I detest him. That's why I don't want him to see what I write. My confusion is about what I do about this situation. There is no confusion about my feelings.

What IF there is a way to move past these feelings?

You have allowed yourself to be in this "spot" for 5 years. So for 5 years, all this affair "stuff" has festered and buried itself deep into your soul.

But WHAT IF there is a way to free yourself of the "hate" you feel and restore your family?

I have seen it here that when you are truly ready for divorce, you feel indifferent...not angry...not detest.

You have options, several. Some that I see:

1. Divorce immediately.

2. Stay married and continue to have these hateful feelings which not only cause your husband pain, but cause a great deal more pain for you.

3. Stay married (for the time being) and dive into the Harley's approach....which might lead to a healed marriage and your healed soul.

4. Stay married and keep searching for "the next new thing" to try.

There are other options, too.


Will you call the Harleys?

With the time that has elapsed, I just can't imagine working through this without them. That is just my opinion.

This post is not meant as a 2X4, but it may sound that way as you cannot hear my voice.

Please call the Harleys.

I'll look into having us attend a seminar. We've been through many different marriage counselors.

A Marriage Builders seminar???

That would be a great direction! I am glad to see you back here posting. Please keep posting.

Sending prayers and hugs to you.

Yes. We're both burned out on marriage counseling. My goal for 2008, I guess. I'll see if we can agree to go.

I am excited at this thought. I truly hope you find a way to make it work.

And good for you for being willing to do this (heck, for thinking up the idea!) considering how you are feeling about your husband right now.