Me: 28 years old
W: 26 years old
M: 6 years

My wife of nearly six years left me last week in what can only be described as a shock to me. I was at lunch with a co-worker, and got a text message from her that said she was unhappy and that we needed to talk. Foolishly, when we got home, I immediately resigned myself to the living room television as I always do, waiting for her to come and talk to me. This, of course, did not go over well, and she came out crying and said she needed to leave, as I did not appreciate her and she needed to make me appreciate her.

To give you the full story, I guess I have to go back to the beginning of this year (2007). My dad was diagnosed with a fatal disease three years ago, and was slowly withering away until he finally passed away in March, around this time I made the second stupidest mistake of my life and was arrested, not to mention my surgery for my back that left me unable to get around. Around that time I began spending too much time with a close friend of my wife's. Although I never cheated on my wife with her, (in the biblical sense) in my drunkenness, I guess some things happened that I am not proud of (holding hands, texting, etc.) I want to stress that none of this explains what I did, but it gives some background on my demeanor in that time period.

When I wised up, I spoke with the friend and we both agreed that it was stupid, and was attention-based and nothing else. All was great, as my wife was taking care of me, and driving me, etc. Then one day, another woman tells my wife all the things that I did with the other friend. This breaks my wife's heart, understandably, and to make matters worse, the things I “did” unexpectedly grew into kissing, etc (which never happened.) But, of course my wife would not believe me.

Fortunately, we worked things out. After I spent nearly a week at a hotel, and apologized profusely. I promised never to talk to the other friend again, and everything seemed to be fine for about two months. That is, until last week, when the first paragraph happened. The only explanation I can see is that my wife has recently been talking to a coworker that is definitely not my biggest fan. I truly believe that this coworker has convinced my wife that I need to appreciate her more (I do, I guess) and convinced her to leave me.

My wife has made contact with me several times. The first time, she text me to ask if I needed some work papers that were in her briefcase, when I said I did, she brought them to the house when I was gone and left them, with a note that said she did the dishes and that she loves me. The second time she text me to ask if I was going to church, and asked if I wanted her to go, I replied that of course I do, if she was comfortable with it. She didn’t show up, and said she was sorry. The third time, I initiated contact, and told her that I would like to talk to her, and asked if we could have dinner sometime. She said maybe, and then told me she is leaving town for the next couple of days, but maybe when she gets back. she also emailed me at work and told me she loves me. I'm more lost than ever...

Lastly today, on the advice of someone else, I contacted her again and told her she got some mail, and that I miss her. She responded that she missed me too, but was coming to get her cat and the mail. I haven’t seen her yet. I truly believe that this last seperation is an extension of the first issue, and I don't know how I can gain her trust. She feels like I don't appreciate her, and all the things she does. And furthermore, I have been unfaithful.

So what’s my next step? Reading these posts, I guess I need to really not contact her again. I was thinking of going out of town as well, hoping that it would pique her interest. Is this a good idea? And how do I go about letting her know? Should I send flowers to her work? Or will she see this as weak?

Wow, your wife (who cared for you while you couldn't move, had been in jail, wasn't working, and was cheating) texted you that she wasn't happy and you needed to talk. So you went home, plopped on the couch, and turned on the TV.......... Is that about right?

(Believer muttering) It must be a male/female thing.

The next step is to CONTACT her and beg for her forgiveness, start treating her well, and TALK to her.

oh boy. .

the stuff we do to each other eh?

The fact that you fooled around does not excuse your W's behavior, if indeed she is fooling around with the co-worker. Which, you don't know. I'd certainly be suspicious though. Revenge affairs do happen.

I think you need to do everything you can to find out what is really going on. Your wife's behavior seem very erratic, telling you she loves you then standing you up and refusing to see you, etc. In the meantime, since you don't know for sure, you should start a pre-emptive Plan A, finding out and meeting all your W's emotional needs and avoiding all lovebusters while you figure out more about whats going on with your W and this co-worker.

Also, I highly doubt you "dealt with" or "got over" the issues caused by your affair with her friend. If you had, you wouldn't have plopped your [censored] on the couch when your wife was sobbing in the kitchen wanting to talk about why she was unhappy.

Read this site, read about Plan A, Emotional Needs, Love Busters, and the entire "Basic Concepts" section. Report back with any questions as you go.

Oh, good Tyk, a male point of view. Most females will read this and think what the HECK????????

And by the way, CousinLarry, why did they lock you up?

And I don't think it is an affair. I think she wants a caring, loving husband. Afterall, she is telling him she loves him. She doesn't sound very foggy to me.

No, perhaps not, the only thing I could imagine is that she's cake eating, trying to keep larry on the back burner while she runs around.

I could completely understand if she was just done with him, its the waffling back and forth that seems a little odd and suspicious. But its quite likely you are right. Either way, some heavy reading and thinking is in order for cousin larry while he figures out what's going on.

Yeah, sorry I wasn't more clear. The co-worker is a female, and I seriously doubt that there is anything romantically going on.

In retrospect, of course I wish I would have talked to her. But I didn't, like I said, it was all very sudden and I didnt know how serious it was.

I was never out of work, just unable to drive myself, I got a reckless driving and lost my license for 6 months. She was great and drove me everywhere (although I was grateful, and never asked too much form her.)

I know I need to "step it up" so to speak, I'm just wondering what my next step is. Should I send her flowers? Or will she see this as desperate and it end up pushing her further away?

Yes, I would advise checking. But I think she is just tired of not being appreciated. Cousin needs to look at some of his communication skills.

Has it even been established that the wife's friend is a MALE? I can't find that in here.

Most likely there is no affair and Believer is right. this guy just needs to get his head out of his asss and start acting like a real man.

And for the record, women avoid conversations sometimes too....they can be just as insensitive as any man.

Heh. Right. Except, what is my next step?

do you think you have maturity issues? I mean a reckless driving ticket that costs you your license for 6 months is a dousy...
couple that with erratic behavior with drinking and inappropriate contact with one of your wife's friends and I am left wondering if you have skipped some steps in maturing.

Did you have a good set of role models growing up? Holding hands and texting while drunk also indicates more than one time drunk. How often does that happen for you? How often do you drink?

okay...well, I think you need to becoem a better man.

what do you think your short comings are?

Well that is a little different then. Plan A is to kill an affair. If your W is not a WS (wayward spouse) then you don't have an A to kill.

However, parts of Plan A are probably still applicable to you, in that you need to really learn what your Ws needs are and prove to her that you are able to change to become a man that can and will meet them. Not just for the short term either, she's moved out so she's beyond being convinced by temporary behavior changes.

Sounds to me like you need to decide if you want to be married, and if so, you need to learn how to become a good and faithful husband. Then you're going to have to show her consistently in the time she allows you. The more consistent you are, the more time she'll give you.

Basically, you are going to have to woo your W back to you, think of how you acted before you were married, what did she like then? She never stopped liking that stuff, you just stopped doing it. Not picking on you, I don't think there's anyone here that hasn't failed in thier relationship in some respect. YOU are here, so you're what we have to work with. All you can change is you, so that's what we can help you do.

I can think of some things...
without being overly mushy...

let your wife know a few things and mean them sincerely...

let her know you want her home and realize that you have been immature...that you feel that counseling is in order for both the marriage and for you as an individual.

Let her know that every day you want to spend some time giving her your undivided attention.

Each week or month take the "pulse" of the relationship by asking her how things are going and if she has any requests for change.

The PAIRS program is an excellent program for couples in a marriage. You should be able to find a therapist in your area that can direct you.

Are you religious?

I was married very young, as you can tell, and I do think I missed some steps in growing up. I was head of a household at 21, and wasn't even doing the things that a 21 year old would normally have done.

I do think that I sort of developed slowly, and my marriage is paying the price for it. Thing is, I did change my erratic behavior, I changed my drinking pattern, I changed the inappropriate relationship, and I changed the ridiculous driving that landed me in jail for a night.

But it all caught up with me later. I'm convinced that if I could get her home that we would work everything out, It's just a question of how to do just that.

Also, yes, we are religious. We are in a religion that does not believe in divorce. Although we have not been going lately, and I honestly think that isn't helping. I know that it is my responsibility as a man to make sure the spiritual needs of my family are met.

you do NOT want her coming home without a plan to do things differently. A plan...not thoughts.

You will get her home by slowly showing her the man that you are becoming. Ask her out on a date. Talk to her about some of the things I mentioned here.

Even though you skipped those steps...THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT. You do not have the luxury of being a screw-up any longer. It is time to be a man and a husband.

Why did you marry so young?

well, you should seek out your priest/pastor and have them pray with you and offer you guidance.

Look into the PAIRS program...it is fantastic.

Others here can direct you as to the benefit of a MB weekend. I do not know how applicable it would be for you if there has not been infidelity. I do know, the people that have attended these have raved about the program.