I posted this in the emotional needs forum, but was asked to repost it here - since what I am going through apparently equates to "emotional infidelity".

I will try to do the study notes version of this folks, because I am new here, and because I'm sure I can go on at length - boring for all of us, lol.

I have been married for five and a half years, but lived with my husband for five years previous. We dated in high school, broke up in senior year (fairly amicably - it was high school), and then reconnected in our late twenties.

We have very different interests, and at first, that was what made us great together. We spent time together, but I had a hobby I was passionate about but with which he had no interest, and vice versa. Hubby always bragged to people on how we weren't one of those "smoochy attached" couples. But we were happy.

Husband has always had three friends - who happen to be girls. I KNOW, absolutely, for sure, that nothing has ever gone on between them. Nothing. They were his friends, however, and I accepted that. They were part of our wedding party. He loved them, and therefore I accepted them. They, on the other hand, never totally accepted ME, and though they were civil - we never became great friends. It was a bone of contention, because, well dammit, I'm a nice person and I could never understand WHY they just did not want to get close to me. They are sisters, did I mention that?

One year into our marriage, I got laid off from my job. I was devastated. However, being the resourceful soul that I am, I enrolled in Nursing school, something I always wanted to do. To pay for it, I got two part-time jobs as unlicensed nursing caregiver. It was EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. I had bills, and needed to pay them. I was working 60 hours weeks - up at 5 am, work two jobs, school at night, bed at 11pm - 6 days a week - for two years. Our marriage began to decline. He works a very high stress management position (though he could not afford to support both of us, we live in an extremely expensive city). When I came home late at night, I would wake him up, he would go into a rage - so I started sleeping on the sofa.

Communication became non-existant. He turned to his friends - including the girls - for social outlets. I just didn't have time, nor the energy.

I graduated last year. My husband threw me a party. I got a new job. I had time! But husband...didn't. He was mopey, introverted around me, wouldn't go out. I felt neglected and ignored. Again, I KNOW that he was not having an affair...and I need you to trust me on this. I just know. I know you all won't think that, but I have my reasons, and you need to believe me.

I made new friends. They like to travel. I went with them. I repeatedly invited hubby (though most of my friends, male and female, are indeed single). He refused. Either couldn't get the time off, didn't like where we were going...etc.

Two weeks ago I had a trip to Chicago planned for two days. The day I left, husbands grandmother died. I tried - in a snowstorm - to desperately get home - a 20 hour drive. I couldn't get a flight because of the weather. I ended up driving, by myself, in a snowstorm, 20 hours straight.

I missed the visitation, but arrived the next morning at 8am, disheveled, unshowered, gross. He stood by me by the funeral. My mom had clothes for me (I had no funeral clothes). We went to the reception. His mom was furious. And....one of the girls was there. She had, apparently, stood up in the family line up at the visitation the night before. Because I wasn't there

She ignored me, horrible wife that I was, and said not one word.

The next night, I arrived home, after the 8 hour drive back to OUR house in our respective cars, to a man in a rage. Who told me he had filed for a separation (the first and primary step in a divorce in our province).

I am devastated. I do not want a divorce. I love him. He has agreed to go to counselling, but has made "no promises". He refuses to move out of our apartment, says he wants to "take his time". But he wasted no time filing those papers. He says he knows exactly where he stands in his my priorities. All I keep thinking is...where was he when I needed HIM?

I am sure his doing this the DAY AFTER HIS GRANDMOTHERS DEATH was a stupid move and now I see signs he is regretting it. He saw me twice over Christmas - took me out to dinner. He asked me not to come to his parents Christmas dinner and explained my absence by saying I had a "scheduling conflict". WTF? I, of course, have told my parents, and they are devastated for me. They are very angry. Now he says he will work on the relationship but that he is not stopping the filing (oh...did I mention one of those girls is a lawyer and he called HER the day after the funeral? I am SURE that he would never have done it had it not been so easy for him). He has not, as of yet, met with her and processed the paperwork. He says he will though. He says he needs to do it, so that he "knows how serious he is this time". WFT?

Yet yesterday he admitted that he thought calling the lawyer would "make him feel better" and that it hasn't. Surprise.

I am encouraging him to seek his own counselling, as well as perhaps his doctor, as I am sure he is clinically depressed. But me, on the other hand, I am hurt, devastated, shocked, all those fun words.

Wow. So much to say and I don't know if I made any sense.

Is my marriage saveable, or should I just cut my losses now?

Of course your marriage is savable but both of you need to stop being so self centered. Get Dr. Harley's book "His Needs/Her Needs" and read it. Print out the site concepts at the top of the page. You need to spend at least 15 hours per week together. Harley also says couples should not spend any nights apart. So far both of you have put your own needs and wants ahead of your marriage and your spouse. Right now you need to get yourself into a good plan A. Make all the changes in *you* since you cannot force him to change. Read the link WATS quickstart guide for newly betrayed spouses in my signature line.

God bless.

GG,

Like FF said, yes, your M is very saveable, but better than that, you could possibly make it even better.

My H and I were detached like you for 30+ years. (Details in my strange story attached to my sig line.) But, unlike your H, mine secretly sought solace from 2 OW that I know of. I didn't find out about the first until he got caught with the second 6 years later. Like you, I was certain that he only liked being alone but never dreamed he would stoop so low as to engage in behavior that he judged others for very harshly.

The key, IMHO, is for you to work on yourself like FF said. In addition to HNHN, I'd suggest Fall in Love, Stay in Love which is an indepth extension of HNHN. And stick around even when things get tough as it's through the challenges that we often grow the most.

Welcome to MB and I'm glad you're here even if I'm sad for your reasons.

Best wishes,

Ace

P.S. Caution to you....you did not have any idea that he might file anything......there may be other surprises, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you both. I just spoke to him.

He is still up at his parents place, an eight hour drive from me. I am sitting at home over-analyzing everything he says and does.

I started crying when he called...I can't help it, I am sad. I apologized and he replied "that's ok, you depress me all the time" to which I started crying even harder.

He sounded a little bit cold and detached and not all that anxious to return home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I asked him what time he would leave to come home tomorrow, he said "before noon". I replied (and perhaps shouldn't have) "on thursday you said you'd leave at about 8". He lost his temper a bit at this, well - sounded exasperated - and said "oh, for pete's sake, I'll leave when I can". So then I felt even worse.

Later on in the conversation, I said that I was looking forward to seeing him, which I am. I asked him if he was looking forward to seeing me. He replied "I am looking forward to getting home". I replied "that's not what I asked". There was a pause, and he replied "I'm kinda looking forward to seeing you".

I fear I am driving him nuts, micro-managing every little thing he says, but I cannot help it.

And yes. I am very fearful of the other surprises he has in store for me.

I am very sad, and very scared.

I don't understand, how are you SO SURE that nothing romantic or physical has happened during this difficult times between him and one of his female friends? BS who post here usually assume that their spouse would never cheat because they have known them for years, but then they found out the truth. Keep your eyes open. You can't solve a problem if you don't know what the problem is or if you ignore recognizing the problem.

GG,

I could write your story. It will take time to retrain your brain..<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />..and learn to bite your tongue in the meantime. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

The other suggestion is to sincerely apologize when the LB's (love buster comments) slip out. He will notice...mine did after 30+ years.

I started with merely saying "thank you" even if I did not like everything he said. I acknowledged what I could with a soft "thank you". For instance, even if he's leaving later than he said previously, be thankful he's coming home. "Thanks for coming home....I'm looking forward to seeing you." Eventually, he will look forward to seeing you, too, and may even tell you so.

Hang in there. (And before he gets home, read all you can on this site.)

Ace

SS, well, for starters, they are all lesbians. Do I have a for-sure, concrete, no question whatsoever proof? Of course not.

And can I trust him completely?

Of course not.

But as far as I know, there is and has been nothing going on. That's all I can say at this point.

I called him back at his parents. At first, the phone went to voice mail. Mom probably knew it was me...actually, of course they did, because when I hung up he called right back.

I started off by apologizing. I said that it was not my intention to grill him about what time he was coming home, why I wasn't in his top friends on Facebook, etc. etc. He kind of chuckled and said "well, thank you, I appreciate you thinking of me". I said that I wanted him to feel good when he called me...not a sense of dread of what I was about to dump on him...and that I was trying to change that. He said thank you again. And then I said...da dum..."are you looking forward to seeing me?" to which I immediately stopped myself and said "OH CRAP I'm doing it again!" He laughed again, and I said "I'm going to stop talking now before I get myself in a big mess". He told me to make myself a cup of tea, take a shower, maybe get dressed. I joked that that might be a lot to ask. I agreed to the shower. He said "good - stinky is hard to get rid of".

So it ended on a good note, I said I loved him, he said he loved me, and I wished him a good drive home. It went well?

Yes, it went well; continue with your Plan A. You really need to concentrate on this controlling thing and stop being so needy.

I agree.

I am feeling very sad tonight, husband is still eight hours away, and I am by myself.

Is it possible to resurrect my marriage with the three girls still in the picture? I've always believed ultimatums don't work ("Me" or "them" make a choice), and they are best friends of his.

Just my opinion, but they have to go. Married folks should only have friends that are friends of the marriage.

Don't make him choose "either me or them," because even if he did choose you, there will be resentment. Just let him know that their friendship is huring you and your marriage in a cool, calm manner and let him decide on what to do.

Duh, SS, he is in a fog and not capable of making decisions here. Her H is being influenced by 3 gals who are not friends of the marriage. GG needs to Plan A him.
She is still early into this. Recognizing her shortcomings, and all. I will go so far as to say if what I just said is not an MB principle, I will digress. Please familiarize youerself with Dr harley's principles before you advise. We would so appreciate that.

Hi GaelicGirl....since you mentioned you are in a province, I assume you are up here with me in Caanaaadaaa....Welcome to the club that no one wants to be in!

I don't think I have a right to offer you any advice, I'm embroiled in a quagmire of my own, and most of the time, I don't know which direction is up!

I do know one thing...as far as ultimatums go, you have to be verrrrrrry careful. They can blow up in your face. Basically, you have to be quite sure that you can live with either consequence of the ultimatum, because you are guaranteed to get one of them.

And, if your husband is in the middle of an affair, emotional or otherwise, there's no doubt that he will pick the choice you don't want......

Save the ultimatums until you have had enough....if you arent' at that point, choose other paths that you can find out about here.........plan A

Good luck to you,

Ron

Thank you all.

I do not believe in ultimatums. They do not work.

And I will lose, Ron is right.

Right now he sees "them" as the ones who understand, the ones who want him to be happy. I am the opposite in his eyes. He says he's been unhappy for a long time, but that he stayed for me. That the reason he filed so quickly that next morning is so that he "wouldn't chicken out". I dearly wish he'd talked to me instead! Put as much energy he put into thinking about leaving me into thinking about FIXING things! I honestly had no clue things were as bad as they were.

I am not eating, not sleeping. It is 8am on a Sunday morning and I am wide awake.

I have scoured this site this weekend and learned all about Plan A, B, etc. I am now in Plan A. He is driving home today from his mom's, and I have the house cleaned and will have dinner ready. Will try to make his homecoming pleasurable, not a big fight.

And yes Ron, I am in Ontario.

You can do this, GaelicsGirl. We'll be praying for you. Practice in your head the things you might say....and rehearse your apologies when you say what you do NOT want to say. Sounds like he noticed on the phone already. Keep the lid on LB's. (DJs, AOs, SDs and others.) Brace yourself and try to remember that if he springs surprises on you. (What I'm learning to do when I get surprised is softly say "That could be a bit upsetting so give me a minute to think about it, OK?" Then, remove yourself if you have to until you get composure.)

Plan A is tough, but it will work. Realize that there must be some emotional needs EN's that these 3 friends are meeting. If you can find out what they are, you can learn to work with your H to meet them and him to meet yours. But it will take time. It may be as simple as affirmations. If you have the market on SF, you're way ahead of the game. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Be careful that you don't blast your H with all you've learned these past few hours/days. Concentrate on valueing him with your Plan A stuff....and you'll be able to make greater headway than if you tried to 'educate' him all at once.

We'll be here for you and look forward to regular updates.

Ace

How's it going GG? Has he returned home yet? If you're too busy to post, I understand, but we're looking forward to an update.

Ace

Well. Yes. He returned home last night. We had a big heart to heart, we set some ground rules, and then we had a really nice romantic dinner, and went to bed. We both worked early this am.

It's New Years Eve. I bought him his favourite chips and salsa, some smoked mussels and oysters, laid them all out, ordered Thai food for dinner, and he came home. Mad. About something. He won't tell me what, says he's fine. I pressed once to often, because almost lost his temper and said "I'm FINE!". But he is not fine. He is not making eye contact, he's stuffing the camembert and mussels down his throat, and he is acting like I am not there.

Ten minutes ago the phone rang, and it was work (AGAIN!) telling him something had been left unlocked. So he started swearing, left me some money on the table, and stormed out to go "fix things again". And I am left here again, confused, wondering what I did wrong. He'll come back, I know, but in a worse mood.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is worth it.

Excellent job! Food sounds good and home welcoming. He is angry because he would prefer to pick a fight with you so he can go do what he wants. He is behaving like they ALL do, and I will be very surprised if there isn't an affair somewhere in the woodpile.

Hang in there, you are doing great!

I do not feel like I did an excellent job.

He is distant, mopey, and now even angrier because he has had to go to work. The food is sitting here going cold.

I am NOT doing great.