Oh What a Night...12/31/2002...my H coming to the motel door in his boxers, calling my name: "___, Is that you? I'm ending it now..."

You know what? I think he was telling the truth. I think NOW that night was THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF HIS AFFAIR...

I didn't know it THEN..I don't think he really knew it either..I didn't know that NIGHT would lead us HERE...It was a long, hard fought WAR and JOURNEY...TRULY MIRACULOUS..

I often feel GUILTY when coming here...I don't want to even go fully into the details because I really lead a CHARMED LIFE now. I am soo BLESSED. My H is absolutely wonderful. He tells me he loves me throughout the day. He kisses my face and rubs my cheeks. He seems to ADORE me..like he wants to EAT ME UP...I no longer work outside the home because he wanted to RESCUE me from the job that I HAD TO TAKE when suspecting his affair...

Most recently and miraculously we just returned from a WONDERFUL and GLAMOUROUS trip with our youngest son..the son who was home during the affair, the son who hated his father, the son who came face to face with the OW...When we returned home, our son HUGGED HIS "DADDY" and said "Thanks for EVERYTHING, I LOVE YOU"...TRULY MIRACULOUS...

What's even wierder and I welcome your thoughts on this is the NIGHTMARE that I had during the trip. I woke up literally shivering and held on tightly to my H. All that I remember was that HE HAD BECOME THE WH again. He was like a MONSTER..A DEMON..saying: "I HATE YOU"..and he was that way. He was NOTHING like the MAN THAT HE IS TODAY...a TOTALLY DIFFERENT ALIEN BEING...

I don't know what to make of the dream...

This is what I want to share today:

MY H HAD TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO DO HIS OWN WORK This is why I've come to so ADMIRE the man that he is today. He had made the decision to break free from the OW, to go through withdrawal and to come home. He had to make the decision to work on his relationships with me and his children. He has continued to make his amends and express his regret. This has been HIS WORK..HIS JOURNEY...HIS OWN PERSONAL GROWTH.

MY JOB WAS TO CONTINUE TO FOCUS ON MYSELF I couldn't make him do anything. I continue to speak my truth which he respects but he has to make THE CHOICE to listen.


TIME JUST MIGHT HEAL ALL WOUNDS. I put a lot a value on time. Finally, THIS YEAR, I consider him to be FULLY FOG-FREE. Finally, THIS YEAR, I no longer think much if at all about the OW but it has taken FIVE YEARS. It sounds like a long time as I type this but it FEELS like it was JUST YESTERDAY...WEIRD...

I've called this musings..cause I don't know if all of this makes much LOGICAL SENSE...

Sharing my EXPERIENCE with the folks who have the highest likelihood of understanding...

HAPPY NEW YEAR....

What an inspiration you are a BLESSING to so many of our lives.

I am so HAPPY for you and wish you the Happiest of NEW YEARS.

Mimi:

You go, GIRL!

As one of those who got lost in the fog like your H did, I do feel that Flamingo might feel the same way you do in many areas of your post.

Happy New Year!

LG

Thank you, Mimster!!

LA

LA:

What do you think about THE NIGHTMARE?

Hey Mimi,

Have you ever had nightmares before about this?

Yep...the same NIGHTMARE..where he is leaving me..has turned into the WH again...I've had it a FEW times over the past 5 years...

I know it's partly due to PTSD..it's such a MAJOR TRAUMA...

I guess I have to accept that I remain in the process of HEALING...

Do you ever notice if it happens around a certain time, event, feelings that you have had beforehand?

I am out the door to the game.

I'm going to think about this and talk to you later?

Mimi,

Wow, you have come a long way. Was there ever a time where you thought that maybe too much had happened to recover? After 4 months in Plan B, I'm wondering that now. Maybe it's normal, but thought I'd ask since you seemed to be in a similar situation as mine - selling the house etc.

Chai:

I don't remember ever feeling that way.

I didn't BELIEVE that my H would change as much as he has. I was willing to settle for much less than this...to be honest...

Mimi.. you're truly an inspiration to us all. I thank God every time I see your name on my post because I know there is wisdom to be had from someone who has -been there-..

I can only hope and pray that my story ends as successfully as yours.. and I thank God for all that he has given to your recovered M.

Your nightmares are understandible.. but just look at it as a reminder to check with yourself about the status of your M.. is there something that you could do better? If so then there's more opportunity to grow.. If I've learned anything throughout this experience.. it's that when we stop growing together in M.. is when we start growing apart.

Mimi,

The Honest, Sharing, Caring GODDESS!! Thanks for sharing.

About this -



Is is possible, that there are times that the pre-Goddess part of you sneaks in and whispers in your ear that you have so much more than you Believed you could have in your New & Improved H. And, then whispers oh so quietly, planting the seed of doubt that you don't deserve it?

Thus the dream?

I know for me, at times when things seem SO GREAT in my life, there is that tiny part of me that looks around and wonders what I ever did to deserve such great things in my life. (Like when I look at DD) The little doubt creeps in telling me that I don't deserve it and I have to stand firm and refute that little demon!

I could be way off base, , , just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I think you're ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, Bugsy.

I've lived most of my life without being HAPPY and it is SCARY...seems TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...

WOW...

How are you doing today Mimi? Did you sleep well?

TODAY IS THE DAY!! POWER TO THE GODDESSES!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

This hit me right between the eyes. I remember vividly shortly before my WW's A began (didn't know it at the time) driving into work and listening to Nickelback singing at the top of my lungs "Somethings gotta go wrong cause I'm feeling way too damn good". I think back to that day quite a bit and wonder sometimes if God is trying to tell me that I've not appreciated what I have in life and this is his way of waking me up. If you're listening God, I get it.

Thanks for sharing that there is light at the end of the A tunnel. Just hope we can get there.

thanks mimi - sometimes i wonder, should i get the chance for reconciliation though it seems so bleak now - if it would even be worth it. if it's even worth leaving that door open to hope still. your post is a resounding 'yes.'

Yeah for you and your family!!!!

SS

Hi Hope For Us:


This is the STINKIN THINKIN that haunts me, too.



Yep. I really believe that this was part of GOD'S PLAN for my life/our lives. My life has been turned totally upside down and around to the positive. Do I dare ask why I had to suffer so much to get here? I feel like that there has been so much wasted time before in my life. I pray that I have time left to ENJOY HAPPINESS.

Probably more information than you were expecting...I'm continuing my MUSINGS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Phoenix:

I can say that I NEVER gave up HOPE..I trusted in the LORD...HE will take care of YOU...