Lots of stuff, dear friend. A reluctance to lose much of that has kept me in this frustrating marriage for quite a while now.

I just spent a while working away and apart from missing my kids I had a quite magnificent time. Respect, peace, choice, no expressed disappointment in me. Lovely. I would have my life like that as a default, Pep.

No advice my friend just a hug ((((BP))) I had hoped that things where better

Hi F26 !

I guess "better" one way or another is on the horizon for me. I don't regret fighting the A. Its still the thing I'm proudest of in my life.

I wasn't to know that the "fair maiden" would turn out to be a dragon too !

All blessings !

Hi Bob. Where were you working and for how long? Is it just a case of getting used to one another again after a spell apart? Sounds like it unsettled you.

Hi TT

The states for a couple of weeks. It was heaven. I wasn't unsettled, TT, more that i revelled in what I miss at home.

No endless soaps and reality crap on the TV, no complaining about what I did or didn't do, what time I worked till or didn't. Nobody disappointed in me, no A triggers. I realised that if you added my kids to that Mix I'd have a quite wonderful life.

In summary I realised that Squid adds only hurt to my life now. I'm really tired of hurting now and when that is deliberately caused by my wife, I think I need to stop that.

But the kids are happy with us both at home. I have a great relationship with both of them. They aren't suffering or learning any bad lessons. So I'd certainly upset their applecart if I left.

Maybe I should get a job for a year or so overseas ? See how I like it and how the kids cope ?

Bob, I'd ask how you've been, but I can sort of tell from your posts. Look, why does your wife treat you this way? Why do you let her to do this? Maybe you could separate from her for a time and see if you do indeed feel peace.

I wonder why your wife disrespects you. Do you think that your wife finds you weak or a push-over? I think you have done an amazing thing in trying to put right your marriage and giving your wife a second chance after she had an affair. How many men would do what you did? My guess is not many.

I don't really know what to say Bob. Only you know when you have had enough. If your wife refuses to behave in a loving way to you and living with her causes you pain, I think you really should consider getting out. Perhaps that will cause her to wake up?

Sorry,

CN

Are your kids around and able to hear when your wife talks to you like that? If they never hear your wife critize you, then no, they aren't learning anything bad. Does your wife criticize your kids? Or is it only directed towards you?

Please don't underestimate what your children might be learning. I learned that verbal abuse was OK, since that was my "normal" growing up. Not only was I criticized, my father was, to his face, and to me when he wasn't around.

I'm not particularly proud to admit I then treated my husband as mom treated dad. It took a very big wake up call for me to stop. I've also had to pay a big price for stopping my behavior.

Does she know how to engage you in a loving way? Is this a slip in her behavior?

CN

I am far from weak. Or a pushover. I have responded to this with every response from calmness to belligerence and back again, and none stow her behaviour for long.

I honestly think some of it is genetic. Her mother , one sister and SO MANY of her aunts have pushed away those who love them by middle age, become bitter and twisted only to become alcoholic hateful women alone in old age.

Her biomom died in January a spiteful promiscuous alcoholic.

If we divorce and my influence is removed from her who knows where she'll end up ?

But I deserve better than this. Than her.

BP you travel a lot for work right??

How much time do you spend at home between assignments?

And I'm just throwing this out there for thought... Could Squid be "acting" out because she is not happy being home alone so much?

Bob,

I know you aren't weak, not in the slightest. That wasn't what I meant at all. But what I think doesn't really matter, I just was wondering how your wife sees you. If she has mental disorder that affects the way she treats you that is terrible because it is beyound your control. Regardless, you are right you deserve better that this.

You cannot save your wife Bob. She has to do that. And it looks like she isn't really willing to change.

Are you just staying until your kids are grown? I did that initially, but not now. I have changed and I think that that has changed how I view my wife. She is flawed and can be cold. I am a former adulterer. We both have our issues.

CN

He BP, I missed the post about her family acting the same way perhaps it is a genetic trait such as a chemical imbalance, um perhaps her biomom "self" medicated with drinking and squid is suffing from depression, bi-polar or any other mental health issue. I personally suffer from OCD and medication has been a God send for me.

I travelled a lot before the A. I quit my job as part of trying to spend time with her. Now I am based at home most days, and travel abroad a couple of days every two weeks.

Squids not acting out anything, she is just being what Squid has been for a decade with some periods of hope after her A for a while.

My very WALK intimidates her, but rather than up her game she tries to pull me down.

I can't do it any more. Tired.

She likes to manipulate me by gaslighting and other methods. Just like her (lovely but) manipulative Nan ( My de facto MIL). She'd never ask for a drink she'd say " oh I am so THIRSTY * koff! * if only I had a glass of pop !". It was fun when nan did it, less o when Squid does it just for a laugh.

Invalidates my opinions and emotions. Tells me when I should be hurt by something she does and when I shouldn't.

I correct her and she sulks off with an " oh he's disappointing me with his unreasonableness again" look on her face.

So she sees me as a manipulation challenge I think.


I dunno. Its an absolutely alien concept to me to leave my marriage. I don't know how a person goes about it or anything. It scares me.

But the thought of spending the second half of my life unappreciated, unhappy and resentful makes me ANGRY and scared.

Bob,

Does she treat everyone this way or is this loveliness just reserved for you?

I'm sure there is some diagnosis that describes her behavior, but it seems from here that she is just selfish and manipulative.

There are so many woman in this world that would treat you so much better. Even if you don't pull the trigger keep that thought in mind. You can leave anytime you want. You are only staying with her because you choose to. And you will find someone else if you divorce. I think that that is empowering.

I think that if you stay married your Squid will continue to treat you the way she always has. She has to want to change and she appears to be quite content the way things are. It doesn't sound like she is having much fun either.

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? I was a horrible feeling reading my behavior in that book . . . I really gave me pause.


CN

BP - I'd say divorce her. It's just my opinion, but when one accept the impact of solvable problems, they are settling. Settling grinds a person down.

Acceptance is "reserved" for perpetual problems.

What you are describing seems like solvable problems to me.

Her behavior is abusive, plain and simple. No matter if her behavior is rooted in mental illness, bad upbringing, what have you, it's abusive.

Why would you want to stay in an abusive situation?

Have you done any reading on detatching?

Could you eventually do better with someone else? Or no one else, for that matter.

I know I could.

Can.

Will.


With prayers,

PS: Maybe your children will too.

Thanks for your care IRN !


Because it isn't always abusive, and because my kids aren't being abused or witness to this abuse.

I've walked pretty much all the steps of the affair killing / recovering path these past four years, and even helped many other folks get further than I have managed. Yes, I know about detachment. I've pretty much lived in loving detachment for four years now. I want to live either in loving ATTACHMENT or physical detachment now.

Aph

No-one else sounds pretty good right now. Just me and the kids an prayer. Sounds wonderful.

What did Marley sing ? "no woman no cry?"

Hi Aph! You wrote:

"Well, CV, it may be different for the average BW, but D’ing an adulterous wife, active or former and often even more so for a former, is always and eventually going to appeal to the typical BH on some level."

Aph, I don't think we BWs are all that different than the BHs here. I had many moments where the thought of Ding vs trying to recover seemed very appealing to me.

Bob, I'm not one who thinks staying Med no matter what is always the best alternative. I have always thought that you and your W needed MC, and a really good one at that. Truthfully I don't know how people do recover without it. So if you aren't too far gone already I would give MC a try, one last shot to see if you can recover your M. What do you have to lose after everything you've been through? And if she isn't willing to invest in your M then you have your answer. After going through this sh!! I couldn't imagine staying with H if he treated me like crap.

Concerning your kids, no time is a good time for your kids if you divorce. If you stick it out until they are older they will either pick up on the dysfunction, and that is what you will be modeling for them, or the rug will be pulled out from under them. Older teens are at an age where they are separating from their parents, yet are also needy and insecure. Our MC told us after d-day it is a terrible time for kids to deal with divorce.

Hey CN! Good to see you pop in here. Hope you're well!