Hello imsodone,
I hope you will come back and talk to us some more. Two years is a long time to spend with an affair partner. You probably feel like you have a big investment in that affair. Are you still with the other man? It is understandable that you are convinced at this point that there is no hope for your marriage. But I have been reading these forums for a couple of years now, and it is fact that marriages do recover--even after long term affairs.

So what is it about your relationship with your husband that makes you think recovery is impossible?

You say you see the changes he has made, do you think the changes will not last?

If you could have a perfect world, would you think it preferable to be in love with the father of your teen-age children?

Let us know what you think.

Would it help ISD if a FWW who "didn't" recover her marriage stepped in???

I was just like her- fully set on getting a divorce. Before the affair, I'd tried to get my H to work marriagebuilders with me and he wouldn't. I was so full of justification and resentment!

I look back and I can see that I was so foggy! Unbelieveable.

Well I got my divorce- even after the affair was over and let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

First of all I have terrible guilt over what I did to my ex- even though I've apologized and asked for his forgiveness. He hasn't given it to me and I can understand why.

It's taken me years to get to the point where I can see how wrong I was. Someone else tucks my kids into bed part time now besides me, and that just kills me. Since your kids are older that may not bother you as much but it really bothers me- and I never thought about those kinds of things when I pursued the divorce.

Bottom line is, if you're any kind of human at some point you're going to feel like crap for what you've done to the man you've sworn to love and honor forever.

I wish I would have waited one year without another person involved in our relationship to see if he would have changed- and we could have mended our marriage if only for my children and my integrity. But I was so full of fog that I didn't.

The main problem is that right now this guy has been meeting your needs but you're not living in reality with him. At some point if you leave your H and you're with this man you are going to see sides of him that you don't like as well. Resentment will build. You'll have your own set of problems, because well, everyone does.

You can have a relationship with him and when all of the outside influences that influence REALITY begin to set in you'll find that you basically have some type of problem with everyone- because that is human nature.

I regret that I didn't try harder. And this is coming from someone who thought she'd tried everything!!!

If this guy is really for you what would it hurt to put it off a year???? Wouldn't he wait for you since he "loves" you so much????

Your husband loves you, obviously unconditionally because he's still with you.

I'm remarried now to a wonderful guy who was ironically a BS in his marriage. I've worked on my issues that led me vulnerable to have an affair in counseling. I've asked my Lord for forgiveness and I feel that He's given it to me but still deep down inside I really dislike myself at times for what I did to someone who didn't deserve it.

He was basically a good man and didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve the pain that my A inflicted on him and neither does your H.

Why not give it a year?? What are you scared of?

coachswife (and any other FWW's that were so full of anger and resentment that wanted to divorce):

Very poignant post.

I am curious about what caused you to choose to harbor so much resentment to justify and re-write history?

And I would also like to know what triggered your eventual realization that your resentment/justifications were false, or major exaggerations of reality? ...Was it some random thought that triggered the realization, or an event, etc?

Thanks,

LoBoy

My exhusband spent much of his time pursuing his hobbies. He was gone almost every weekend and left me home with the kids. He made many promises about meeting my en's and then he never would. I brought home articles about how to make our marriage better which he threw away. He wouldn't work MB with me. He wouldn't read HNHN- he refused counseling saying we didn't have a problem. I talked to his parents and asked them to talk to him. Eventually I said I will leave you or have an affair if you don't start working on our marriage. He said he was too busy and didn't have time. There were many other issues too- such as how he had treated me or not treated me when I'd been bedridden with our last child.

None of these justification for my affair but at the time I sure thought so. I think he thought I was trapped and that I couldn't go anywhere and that I wouldn't have gone anywhere.


It wasn't one certain event or thought it was something that happened over time. I didn't have a problem with exaggerating things- because my head is as clear as a bell now and I still feel that he severely neglected our marriage- me and our kids. Still it shouldn't have been justification for an affair.

I point blank let him know what I was looking for and asked what I could do to better meet his EN's. It's not like I only hinted around that I was unhappy and we were having problems.

Still, he was a good man and he didn't deserve the way I treated him at the end. He worked hard, he didn't drink excessively, do drugs or cheat that I know of. He just had a different idea of what marriage should be. He wanted a babysitter, sex partner, accountant, housekeeper that he basically didn't have to invest in emotionally- and I wanted a real partnership and relationship. Someone who actually wanted to spend time with me.

I would also like to add that I've recently found out in the last year that I'm bipolar. I'm positive at the time of my affair- I was in a manic phase.

I'm not using it as an excuse but I think that had something to do with it.

The meds have made me see things so much clearer as far as how my first marriage went and the things I did. That and therapy has helped tremedously.

coachswife:

Thanks for responding.

OK, your H was extremely inattentive and neglectful of you and your children. You tried to get him to see the problems in your marriage, but he blew your attempts off. At the time, you justified your affair with the anger and resentment from these thoughts.

I don't know your backstory, but did your H try to change and save your 1st M when he found out about the affair?

In your other post you said:


Were you using the same resentment/justifications to fuel the decision to divorce?

The reason I am asking all of these questions is that my STBXWW had a couple of A's, then suddenly came out of the fog last January and was madly in love with me again. But a few months after that, we had a minor spat that got blown out of proportion and her years of anger and resentment were back just as suddenly as they had disappeared. I don't think she was in another A when she left, but the anger/resentment during this time was like during the A periods.

I still don't understand the sudden swings and how someone could go from being madly in love to trying to separate in a 2-3 weeks time.

THanks,

LoBoy

He attempted to, before he found out about the affair but I really wouldn't let him. He had promised me over and over and over again that he would change or try harder and he'd revert back to the same old stuff- after he got what he wanted, which was SF.

After he found out about the affair he hated my guts, rightly so- no, I do not think he attempted recovery after that. Although I was wrong about the affair it pretty much gave him permission to be totally the victim and not act like he hadn't done things wrong in the marriage. Don't get me wrong- the affair was totally my choice but he wasn't blameless in the marriage problems we had.

Yes. Because he'd promised me so many times he would change and didn't I didn't feel like I could trust him enough to stay married.


Strange. Don't have much advice on that one.


Neither can I. That wasn't the case with me. I'd been talking about my needs not being met- and the concept of the love bank and how mine was empty-long before I had the A or asked for a divorce. Slowly over time all of that killed alot of the love that I had for him.

Hope this helps!

Hi Imsodone!

I'm a friend of L2F... and I just wanted to check in and see if you're still reading here...

I hope that you're doing well and that you'll stop by sometime.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I am another FWW who also resented my H for the things he did not do in our M that I had asked him to do before my A. He spend every day and night on his computer working on his budding business. We had been very close in our previous years, but after our second son was born and he was laid off at his full-time job, it became an obsession to build the business. He had always had a very strong need to provide for our family, and once he lost his safety net job, he was determined to focus all of his attention on the business. Unfortunately during this time, we started growing apart. I always had anger issues and a very bad habit of taking things out on my H. So, yes there were problems, but nothing about these issues was justification for me to stray from the M.

We are not single, care-free teenagers. We are grown adults with children who depend on us acting as such. You are most likely in the "I'm too cool for this marriage" stage right now. For some reason you've convinced yourself that this OM is somehow better at taking care of you than your H. Really? Let me ask you this...say you get your D from you DH. You and OM shack up and make a go at things. Of course, in the meantime, you have not done the work (either of you) to make your M affair-proof, so eventually you end up cheating on him, too. Do you think he would be on this site reading and posting to try and gain the knowledge necessary to fix things in your new "improved" R? NOPE. He'll just replace you. You should take a look at the stats of the probability of your affairship (even if you turn it into an affairage) lasting. It won't. And you will be left in the dust of your real M as your DH finds someone who will appreciate the person he is and steps in as a part-time mother of your children.

You know, I wish I had come to this site months before I actually did, and had read the responses that the good people here have taken the time to write to you. They hope beyond hope, as I do, that you will come to your senses before it is too late. I know you think it already is, but you couldn't be more wrong. I know the way you are thinking, as I spent a year and a half in that very state of mind. It took my H threatening D for real and then coming here, letting my guard and walls down and listening to the advice of people like Mrs. W, MEDC, RIF, Resilient, Star*fish and many others who have posted to you.

You are on a path to self-destruction. What a shame. What a shame for your kids to see a 47-year-old woman act like a spoiled child. What a shame for the people who REALLY love you. You are a fool if you think that your teenagers will be OK with this. They will probably hate you for running off with a slimy man who would steal a woman away from her family. They will never accept this pathetic worm as a replacement for their father. Kids are very smart. They will figure it out very quickly. Will you?

Hi imsodone - Just bumping this up for you in case you're reading...

You are getting a lot of great posts here!

Semper Fi,

RIF

What makes a ws want to come back home...besides the OP ending the affair?

Hi Hopenpray,

Mrs. RIF never left home, so I don't have any personal experience with a spouse leaving the home...

My guess would be that your shared history together and any kids would be a very big factor in a WS's decision making process...

One of the reasons that the MB program is so successful is that it teaches you to make yourself into an attractive spouse thereby showing the WS that things CAN be better than they were before the A...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I agree with you about the MB programme showing WS that things can be better.WH read the recovery section and agreed it was good,but he wanted to stay with OP.WH keeps saying "I'll never be able to get over him having an affair"

I think he thinks his gone too far and its easier to stay with OP as they work together as well.Its been 13 months and I got my D papers 2 weeks ago..

I told him to stick to PBL conditions and he was mad..
Its a DARK plan B for me now....

I find it hard to pray for WH to come home and at the same time move on...suggestions??

Hey Hope,

Give it all to God... He knows what your heart's desire is even if you don't know how to ask for it...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Bumping up for imsodone...

My WH did come back to the marriage. We're now 1 year in recovery and recently there have been days when I question my sanity. I too love him and am committed to staying in the marriage, but as we approach the anniversary of D-day the memories are coming back with a fresh pain and I think it's just too hard. We just had a new baby(3 older kids also), so I'm sure there are hormones involved also. I just keep reminding myself that one of my issues with his A is that he gave up so quickly on the marriage. I'm another one who doesn't get how he loved me one week and someone else just a few weeks later.
Your situation is different as you've already received D papers, but one lesson I learned may help. Behave as you should. Make sure that no matter what he does or how you feel at any given moment, wwhen you look back in a few months or years, with or without him, you can be proud of the way you handled yourself. It may make your H realize what he'd be leaving behind, but even if it doesn't you can live with yourself and be a better person in any relationship. And prayer does help immensly too!