Sometimes I think we forget just how fragile a child's emotional/mental frame work is. Boy, listening to my H talk of his abusive parents and their huge drama filled fights, and how that has effected his personality, and even ability to handle stressful situations as an adult. And he is a very succesful adult, who actually fills like a scared child in some sitch's...the triggers from childhood take him RIGHT back to that same frame of mind.

Isn't that sad?

SIHW, you are very wise for your young age! Good post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks PM! Much appreciated.

Why thank you dearest. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I try <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> It's great to be appreciated from those with more experience than myself.

Afterwake - I hope tonight finds you calmed down and ready to focus on appropriate actions on this issue. I was one of those who recommended your wife get to a shelter. I'm a survivor of parental domestic violence. After working in the mental health field, then as a journalist I wrote a child-advocacy book for children who witness their parents' inappropriate conflicts and disagreements that escalate to force to enforce one dominant POV. I wish it was published because one of the biggest difficulties people like my dad had was being able to see their actions and their voice through their children's eyes and ears.

Frankly, the biggest problem an abuser has is the lack of a skill called EMPATHY.

To this day, my father is clueless about the degree of harm his treatment of my mother did to her, their children, and especially himself. He can't see what HE lost pushing my mother around, forcing her to stay when she felt in danger because he could yank the phone cord out of the wall (when phones were hardwired instead of jacked in), and left her bruised beyond belief. He woke up the next morning after that one and dared to ask "What happened to you?"

Now if you are like most hardened wife beaters, nothing I say will get through to you. I then don't give a rip - I'm reaching out to the woman who just got shoved for the first time - letting her know what's ahead - and why her future children run and hide when they hear the slightest hint of anger in a voice - or why they start wetting the bed, or other compensating/fear response behaviors when they hear car doors slam... or house doors slam.... or things break.... If your wife is like most victims of violence, she'll give you another chance. But I don't recommend she give you that chance until you leave the cycle of control as a means to relate to her. You've abdicated your choice as to the future of this relationship. You only have the choice to be a good honorable and KIND man - UNCONDITIONALLY being kind, patient and compassionate - that means no expectations that she will EVER want to see you without an intermediary present AGAIN. - and that info is for a man who WANTS feedback - not the man I read profane things bleeped out by the one who keeps this board safe for those to whom profanity is a post traumatic trigger for this adult survivor. Passionate men do not need to resort to profanity unless they can't control themselves - dead give away to cops and counselors that your wife is very much telling the truth of her experience with you...

I've been there, gotten the survivor tee-shirt. And I'll be d*mmed if I'll be silent as another woman gets on an anonymous board and cries out for help. If I have ANY influence, your wife will be where another woman is now on this board - recovering herself even if she can't recover her marriage.

You cannot save a marriage from infidelity by force. And you cannot save a marriage from force by more force.

If you really care to hear.

Oh, I missed this thread. I am quite CERTAIN this guy is abusive. He blames his wife. He doesn't look at his part. He is ABUSIVE on this board, but excuses himself that he is just worried about his kids.

That's how abusers operate. Mine cried all the time about losing his kids, how he missed them, blah, blah, blah.

He was so worried about his kids being with his crazy wife that he had to have an affair.

And of course nothing is his fault - it's all hers. SHE is the abuser.

My ex pulled that too. He even filed court papers that he had to flee the state to protect himself from me. And I never struck him, EVER. The only time I got physical was to pull my knees up to keep him from continuing to kick me in the stomach.

I KNOW from reading what his wife said that HE is the abuser. The little things gave it all away.

He may suck her back in, but often it takes several attempts to get rid of the abuser. They are determined.

Yes Believer - there were several dead giveaways.

Hopefully, Fireblossom will read up on one of the other women here who escaped the cycle of abuse - her path to freedom was beginning 18 months ago - recognizing the abuse - it took her until March of 07 to finally break free.

FB - please read Strivn4Better's two or three major threads over the last two years. She's come a long way!

She's an inspiration to many who read here.

Prayers to Fireblossom to be strong and get the help she needs. It is very difficult at first, but she will never regret demanding a good life for her and her children.