I completely agree, Graplin.

It is much more loving to accept someone for who they are AT THIS TIME, than for who you wish for them to be.

It seemed to me that most replies have been saying, he's a loser, lose him. That is what I gathered. I DO want him to face the consequences of his actions and be a whole man, that is why I feel no contact with him at this point was the right choice for ME and for MY life. I cannot control whether he chooses to stop A or addiction, but, I can choose whether I hang around for either of them. I am choosing to distance myself while there is still some love left for the man I remember having the good times with and start making some new memories to enjoy looking back on.

jikkler,

Not all M can be saved. Not all M SHOULD be saved. Your R may fall into one of these catagories.

It's admirable to not be a quitter. I don't think anyone here is judging you. Believe it or not, most really care that you are going through this horrible time in your life. After being here for awhile we have learned alot about R and what makes up a good R. We've also learned alot about human nature and ourselves.

Graplin said it well:


If you are determined. Go to plan B. I do suggest a letter. It gives him something to read and reread. He will see what your terms are and he can refer back to it when he chooses to return. He won't remember what you SAY. He is foggy and he's not thinking straight. There's no way he'll remember your discussion with clarity.

I agree that if you choose to pursue the relationship that Plan B would be the next step.

So, do you have someone who could act as your intermediary and how familiar are you with Plan B?

What would be the objectives that you would put in your Plan B letter?

Please don't take offense, because I don't think anyone intended offense. The folks here just know *how hard this is*. Some of the people here dealing with infidelity have been married for decades, some are pregnant, some have infants, some are financially devastated, some haven't seen their kids, or their kids are shacked up with mom and some other guy - and even with all THOSE incentives - the pain and effort of recovery from infidelity can be overwhelming and sometimes it outright breaks people.

So, it was from *that* place that people were sounding the warning bell - because it has been and will be painful for you too. You don't have shared children, you evidently are financially independent, and you haven't taken wedding vows - and without those additional "connections" folks just want you to be sure that you know what you are volunteering to sign up for.

So, has he ever been sober and clean from drugs? Has he ever had steady employment? What requirements would you insist upon and how long would he have to meet them before allowing him back into your life?

This is something to think about, because you really don't want him to just get back together with you in his current state, would you?

How can I get a plan B letter to him without her getting hold of it when they live in the same house?

Sorry. There is no way. No matter how you gave it to him, he might share it. They usually do, and then the affairees laugh about it.

I can't control what he does with it, so, I'll give it a go anyway. I do want to include that he be clean and sober for a period of time before we reconcile. I know there is a lot of work to be done on both our parts, IF we are to get back together, sending this letter is the first step to healing me, I believe. I know he can be clean and sober,if he wants to, he has before when we were together,but whether he does or not has nothing to do with me and what I need to do to take care of me. All the tough replies have really got me thinking about what I truly want for me. Plan B is about ME.

Post your letter here first so that folks can check it out.

Yes jikkler. Plan B is for you. It's for you to begin your self recovery. It's for you to stay away from the drama of his A, and all the backlash of his decisions. It should bring you peace.Do things that you always wanted to do. Start a new hobby. Be a better you.


Earlier I questioned whether you needed an intermediary, someone who would relate "official" information from your WSO (wayward significant other) in case there is financial or other things that you need to be contacted about. If you do not have any financial connection with him and you are totally independent of him then there may not be a great need for one. The only reason would be that this person could relay the info that he wants to come home. He would contact them first. Normally, in M sitch, there is an intermediary because of all the ties, but your sitch may be different. Only you would know.

But in any case, he doesn't get to talk to you. He doesn't get to see you. You don't "hear" about him from others. You don't ask about him. And as hard as it is, you try not to think about him and what he is doing. Remove him from your life. Protect your love for him.

After I have looked at some of the other PBLs,I will write mine and I will post it before I send it. How will I send it? I cannot email it, either she or he has blocked my emails. As for an intermediary, we have a friend in common who is willing to be that for me. If he comes to the house, what do I do? He still has some belongings over here.

jikkler
I would change the locks. In the letter I would tell him if he'd like to get his stuff contact the int. They could let him in. You should not be there.

I would send the letter in the mail, certified. That way you know that he received it. That's the best you can do.

Most likely he will try to contact you after he receives it. He will feel some of his conrol taken away and WS don't like that. Do not talk to him after you have sent the letter.