He said again that it was a joke about asking that 20 yr old to join him in Spain and that he knows he has behaved very badly but that we should all move to Spain.
Am i mad for not going?. Im just thinking of the kids being more disrupted moving to another country. They speak perfect Spanish but changing school and having their parents separated might be too much. What do u think?.
He asked: do u want me to move out?
|I couldnt believe he was saying that, i wasnt saying that.
I answer: possibly yes. Just come to get ur stuff.
And we left the conversation at that.
He hasnt rang or text in the last 2 hours

Hi Aranchea
You should know that I am not a vet so am not going to be able to answer your questions but can link you to more information.

Firstly here is a link to a short piece Dr Harley on the steps you need to take next. It includes an explanation of the need for disclosure http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Secondly, here is a link to Joseph’s letter which is a good way to get disclosure started http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Thirdly, take a look here for a definition of gaslighting which includes a link to exactly the kind of 'joke' you describe WH making http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Definitions/gaslighting.html

Mine does that too. Horrible.

Thanks for that Lied-to-again. \im not sure whether i should just go for Plan B and ask him to leave and do a trial separation or i should give him another chance. My heart wants to do the second thing but my mind says to me i shouldn't.
I would really like more advise from more people but i understand i cannot force anyone to read my stuff and write to me what their thoughts are for me.
I think i read ur thread some time in the past. You have taken a lot from ur H too and i believe ur problems with ur H are similar to mine. I really wish you the best of luck. if u want any advise from me or want me to read anything let me know where ur posts are. I am as lost as the worst here thats why i dont really try an help anybody, i dont have enough knowledge of MB yet. thanks again

I sent him a text saying i would like to do a trial separation and that i would like him not to come back on thrusday from Spain until he got a place to stay here. He just rang, he is upset. he says im the one who wants to end the M, so im the one who should leave. he told me about the 20 yr old girl. he said he met her on Skype and she is the one who called him when he was in Spain, they arranged in the past to met and she didnt showed up so he was trying to get at her inviting her over to Spain...
i just dont get it.
what can i do if he doesnt want to move out of the house?

Missad,

There are some things that jump out at me in your posts.

First, your husband blames YOU for his affairs:

"Over Christmas he has garantted to me that if im better and dont put him down, and start working out things between us, he wont feel the need to go to talk to other women because he wont feel so lonely, he says i caused this to happen, or our bad marriage did."

And YOU ACCEPTED this? Please know and understand that the marriage can be bad, but it is never the BS's fault that the wayward spouse has an affair. That decision lies solely on the wayward - if YOU had voted on his behavior, you would never have voted in favor of what he did.


I am also concerned that you say you believe your husband when he is gaslighting you about the Lithuanian girl. Your own records show how many times he called her - he was not calling her for fun, or for jokes. He was trying to have sex with her.

You seem also to pass over the fact that he called PROSTITUTES. Can you honestly tell me a man calls prostitutes and DOES NOT HAVE SEX WITH THEM in some form or fashion? I'm serious here - think about this - would he have you believe he called prostitutes because they are just great conversationalists? Gosh, I don't think I have ever heard a worse lie in my life.

The reality here is your husband has been trawling the internet searching for other women. He has confessed to talking to them, calling them, at least attempting to meet them, and contact with prostitutes.

AND THEN HE BLAMES YOU.

I think that you should consider counseling during your trial separation (as apparently you have alread begun, and he also blames you for), and take a look at this situation very closely. He appears to be a serial cheater with possible sexual addiction, and this will take professional counseling.

For both of you.

thanks Schoolbus, he doesnt blame me for the As. During Christmas he said that the REASON why he went to these woment was because of me. He did blame me for part of it. I well know myself i am not to blame for his As but i do take part of the responsability for our bad M.
Do u know how can i send him to his email address the Joseph's letter and the meaning of gasligthing?.
how could i get my H to confess his As?. he keeps on telling me there have only being companions and friendships.
I NEED A CONFESSION.
Thanks Schoolbus and everybody who is trying to help me i really apreciate it...

i dont want my thread to die. PLEASE anybody read and give some advise...!!i need help

I am posting now in a thread called FOREVERHERS: can you help me
PLEASE I NEED HELP FROM SOME OTHER VETERANS OR NOT VETERANS HERE. HARLEYS DONT RETURN MY CALLS...

Hi A
You should not send him either Joseph's letter or a definition of gaslighting, especially not by email! The gaslighting link was for your eyes only so that you could see how he was manipulating you (which they all do btw).

Joseph's letter will need to be given to him as part of a carefully worked Plan A but only at the right moment.

Read Schoolbus's advice, make your plan and check it with her or one of the other vets before implementing.

Also, you will get better help if you stick to one thread as that way the vets can follow your story more easily. It will be less confusing for you too.

thanks lied-to-again, im mainly posting now in a thread called FOREVERHERS: can you help me..Sorry for the changing, i was just trying to attract FH attention and help. After reading Schoolbus's post i feel depressed and dont want to continue with any plan but just to separate from my H.\
FH gave me some advise and hope and i feel i want to give him another chance. But he is not really crying to be forgiven. here im trying to ring him and his phone is constantly enganged. i just feel he is talking and spending his evening in Spain with some of his girlfriends.
this is just killing me...

Hi A
One of the wonderful things about this place is that you can share your experiences with other people who have been there. Now you feel as if a knife has been put through your heart and that you will never recover. But on these boards you will find people who have recovered. So you know that it can happen.

Believe me, Schoolbus is helping you even though it might not feel good to hear what she is saying right now.

Big hugs, it will get better. This is the worst part
{{{A}}}}

thanks lied_to_again, u tell me , has it been worth the pain you have gone through?. i believe u have suffered a lot too. im not reading ur story but i read some before and i dont know if i want to go ur path for the next 10 yrs.
are u happy with the decision u made to stick to ur M?
Im trying to link my 2 threads together but dont know how because im mainly writing in the other one called: FOREVERHERS: can u please...
thanks again lta

Misssad asked for some support in linking her 2 threads:

Lind to Misssad's 2nd thread

L.

Hi A
We should stop posting on this thread to keep things together better but I wanted to say that I had 17 years of secret cheating that gradually got worse and worse before I discovered what was going on. Over the years I knew there was something wrong with my M but could not work out what. Of course now I know that the yelling and picking fights and disappearing were typical WS behaviour.

But everything changed once I knew and I promised myself that I would either have a committed marriage or we would divorce.

Now everything has changed for you too.

You will either make your marriage what it should be or divorce your husband.

One thing is sure, it will never again be what it was but who would want that?

We are not yet in recovery, it has been two years since discovery and 1.5 years since last contact. We are still working on eliminating the massive LBs so we have a long way to go but my children already see a better relationship. For us these are long term behaviours that have to change.

There is hope, stay with us here.