We are doing great...what a difference a few days make (in our case). The real shift in perception for me was on this site. If you go back and read my "story" and then my next thread (both in my sig line) which also started out with fogginess and justifications, you'll see where I started just over a month ago. Then, the most amazing thing happened. I was on here one night a few days after posting for the first time, and several of the vets "ganged up on me" (how I saw it then) and really shook me up. I paced in my kitchen for about 45 minutes after the first round of flogging and cussed them and this stupid forum and all the people in it and they don't understand and blah blah blah. Then a strange thing happened. My DH called from work after reading my thread. He was completely freaked out and wanted to know how I was doing. I gave him an earful!! SCREW THOSE PEOPLE!!! I said. Waaaah. DH was sweatin' to the oldies, man. Looking back on it now, I am just crackin up!! Oh-ya gotta read it. Especially the part where MEDC said "If you loved the music so much, you shouldn't have chit on it. You don't chit where ya eat!" Or when Mopey said "you are a liar, which is typical of waywards. I think you are full of it!" Priceless, absolutely priceless. It actually sank into my thick skull, can you believe it?! I will never be able to repay the people here. And how many people want to re-pay people for kickin their [censored]! But I do, and I love every single one of 'em for it!! Even MEDC, even though he's a CHITHEAD (HAHAHAHA)...hope you are reading this, man!

So, there you have it. I did a 180. I didn't run away like every fiber of my being wanted to. So, really, in one night I began to see everything the way I should have seen it all along. But us waywards are a stubborn bunch!

I'm glad you are feeling better. Sounds like you are really starting to feel strong...I can hear it in your posts. I am very happy for you that you are finding some peace. I wish you the very best!!

Res, That is so encouraging, and I am very happy that you guys are making it work.

I really think my WH is gone for good.
He is so, so mad at me and I can't for the life of me figure out why. It is misdirected anger but towards who, or what is it from? He had a tough childhood growing up and his Dad was verbally mean, which I'm sure he still carries around with him. I wonder, since he hated it so much, why doesn't he see the same characteristic in himself and make the necessary changes. Enough people have pointed it out.

As much as I wanted the marriage to work, I am really beginning to feel that being with him is not in my best interest, or in the best interest of our son.

I guess he held onto my PBL for a while before reading it b/c he just left a message for me and said I was being ridiculous to think he would go through a 3rd party and told me to grow up! Nothing concerning the loving things I wrote, or any hope for our future. Nothing about agreeing to NC with the OW. Not that I expected it, but was hopeful for it. He was just condescending and complaining.

Where do these WS's get off being so angry at the BS's? We are the ones put through this betrayal $hit! And on top of it to have to deal with finger-pointing and anger by them is ludicrous. Ummmm, have you looked in the mirror lately?

When he picked up DS last night he was in and out and all he did was cuss. His LB's really are a turn off. And he does all this in front of our son which ticks me off. Granted, he is only 1, but the habit will remain I'm sure.

Oh and at lunch yesterday the OW and I drove right past each other and I flipped her off. She didn't see me, but it felt good. Really really good.

I agree. And the whining and complaining and playing the victim!!!

How long does it take the blood to flow back into their brains?

I always wonder about Mr. Gray. He's not stupid. But does he still have the good sense to SEE?

I may never know. I can't help but feel that this is just going to go all the way to D and that will be it. I'll never see him again.

He knows I keep my word so he knows it is completely over with us until the A is over.

I don't know. But I'm not waiting around. I'm moving forward.



I feel this a lot, too. Would it change if he suddenly did a 180? I don't know. I'd like to think so but sometimes I really don't know.

Hi Char! What's new?


I think I am, too. It's kind of sad actully. For him. I'm really a great girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I guess that is suppose to be one of the values of Plan B, to switch the roles and make the BS's be more of the decision-maker. In our current status we really have absolutely no control of anything at all.

If the WS wants to eat dinner, we cook them dinner or meet them out...if the WS wants to come over, we invite them...if they want a hug/kiss we give it. We are totally at their disposal...and I am really not liking being in that place anymore.

I think my emotions were in shock at first, and my WH and I didn't have quite the history of goodness as some of the other posters on here.

The stronger I become, the less desireable he becomes.

You know, you are becoming one of my heroes, Free! I just love your style. You go ON witcha bad self, GIRL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I love your tag line, BTW, I was crackin up!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How's your beautiful baby boy?

Hero?! Oh my you are makin me blush~

And did you notice the first tag line was spoken by a gentleman to boot? Smart man. Very smart man.

Yes, I did notice! Too funny!

Hey Free,

I'm checking in on you. How are you doing tonight?

Ah I am having a bad day already.
Last night DS1 had a high fever of 103'. My dear Mom came over to bring tylenol as it was raining and I didn't want to take DS1 out in the cold, wet weather. I gave him a tepid bath last night, and this morning as well. Motrin this time and he is fast asleep again. Poor little warrior.

These are the times I miss my WH. Whether or not it is actaully him or just someone, I can't even say. All I now is I feel sadness and loneliness.

DS1 is still sleeping so we won't be going to church and I won't get my weekly pick me up from there.

I can't stop thinking of him and wondering what he is doing, who he is with...

Does he miss me? Why hasn't he called to check on our son? If someone gave me a PBL and I cared even a smiggen I would still try and break their resolve. If he did, at least I would know there is some semblance of love on his part. I mean, I just saw him on Thursday and I can't even relax.

I went from a good Plan A (he even said to me "why are you doing all these nice things for me? It's me who should be diong them for you") But I kept at it, and then when the love bank started to be drained from his LB's I transitioned to Plan B.

Aren't I suppose to be stronger during this stage?
Wouldn't a WS reach out if they had any love left?

Any guidance or help would be much appreciated.

I'm taking a big step backward.

~Not so Hopeful Free

This summer my OS got really really sick like that. I remember seeing my WH online and asking him for some reassurances that it will be ok. HE COULDN'T DO IT. Not once did he say it will be OK.

A few days later I saw him after my son had gotten through the crisis. We were talking and I told him I just needed some reassurance. All I got was the glazed over WH look and what an awakening to me to realize that THAT PERSON was NOT MY HUSBAND.

I am not in Plan B yet, but here is something that I am thinking about. If Plan A is about the pebbles in the water and over time that makes a difference, then I think so is Plan B. But in a different way. I know someone on here mentioned that at first the WH is probably happy that you aren't around, BUT IT'S OVER TIME, that matters.

Our M didn't get into trouble overnight and they aren't going to be fixed or turned around overnight. If you are in a true Plan B, so dark, VERY DARK and let G-d do what he is going to do.

They aren't our H, so reaching out isn't anything they DO. Remember, they are selfish, self entitled and ucky... I could be wrong, but maybe Plan B is really about us just being still...

Someone correct me if I am wrong.

One other suggestion and this will sound crazy. I have felt the last day that I am really back sliding or feeling "sorry" for myself. I'm not saying you are, but I am finding that reading other people's threads and offering help to them does two things. It takes me out of my crap, and it reinforces to me what I have learned and what I TRULY believe when the stinkin thinkin isn't there.

So, you can practice on me.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I also think that the initial time in Plan B is somewhat of a withdrawal for BS and you are probably just going through the normal things.

Hi Free,

First, I want to tell you that what you are experiencing with your WH is pretty typical. Some WS's try to beat the door down to get you to break Plan B, some WS's just leave you alone, respecting your wishes to not be confronted by a WS. Remember, you have asked not to see nor speak to a WS, that you will only talk to him when he satisfies your conditions.

Stand strong, Free. This whole thing is not over, you have just started a new chapter. It takes some getting used to, detaching from all of that drama. I felt like I didn't have a purpose when I entered Plan B. I did find my way, and my withdrawal from WH did end, and I was able to go about my day without all of the pain and confusion.

Stick to the plan, trust that you will begin to feel better, as so many of us before you have.

I hope your DS feels better soon.

Hey Skinsgal, thank you for your words. I am definitely back sliding and I know I am stronger than this, but it just creeped in, in a moment of weakness with our son being sick.

SL,
My withdrawal has been back and forth b/c of his false recovery attempts. When I think of all the time I spent trusting him when he was lying, it makes me sad that he became this alien person right in front of my eyes and then mad for the awful things he did.

When I was pregnant and before I knew anything, my H had withdrawn so much from me....not talking, being so quiet and I tried everything to pull him out of his shell. He had just lost a job and the night of DDay we were having a fire in the pit out back and people were coming over for a cookout.
My Mom was over helping me prepare and H was at the park playing soccer. The evil OW called and told me SHE couldn't live like this any longer (ha!) and needed to tell me what they have been doing. She wanted him to leave me and expected him to do just that! I was so devastated and had to put on my game face with friends and family already on their way to our home. It was ******. I honestly don't know how I survived the birth of our son when I was so depressed.
He claimed to have ended things, but they started again after DS1 was born and he moved out.

Then he wanted to come back. He has just toyed with my emotions and tap-danced on my heart like I don't matter to him.

I was a yo-yo and in between all of it, trying to raise my 15 yr old and juggle looking for a job and caring for a newborn. I would do the drive-bys and see his van at her house and just sit in the car and cry. I exposed to his parents and his Mom was so upset.

But after he did this to me the 3rd time, his Mom was tired of hearing about it, didn't know how to help and I was almost broken.

I have come a long way since then having a restraining order on him - getting an awesome job as Marketing Coordinator and my LV in the courtroom this week having his wages garnished for child support. Our house is already in my name only and we kept our separate bank accounts.

I'm ahead of the game in many respects, but I just don't see the point in hoping for a M to work when the other partner has NO interest. How can one person do it single-handedly?

I read the statistics, that waywards most often come back in Plan B. I just don't see it happening.

Right now I am struggling as to whether or not I should meet other men to spend time with. People at church or at sporting events or through work. I have had friends offer to set me up, but have turned them down b/c I still feel married, although my WH has said numerous times "we're already divorced in my mind".

I'm having a hard time pressing on in this state of hopelessness and withdrawal.

If you are married and meet with other men, you are also committing adultery.

Mimi is dead on with this, Free. You ARE still married, so no other men. You will be causing you and your family undue harm with this, and it will solve none of YOUR problems. Don't go there. People don't want to see you in pain; your pain is like a festering wound, for which they offer bandaids (eg, setting you up on dates), when you need large bandages, debridement of the wound, and time to heal. This is the process of grief and it's not pretty.

As for the withdrawal that you are experiencing, again, it's like a healing process. Imagine being injured. YOu go to the doc, or hospital, and are treated. They send you home. You begin to experience some pretty extreme pain, from inflamation and swelling. It's your body healing. Same thing here, you are experiencing the pain of loss, Free, and must give your body the time to heal. The best thing for that is to keep your spirits as high as possible. Surround yourself with beauty, with friends and light.

There is still hope, it just depends on what you are hoping for. If you are hoping to see your WH, well, that's an easy one, he's wayward. If you are hoping to see your husband, well, that's a bit of a taller order, and takes time and perseverence. Plan B gives you that.

I'm sorry you are having a bad day, Free. My prayers are with you and your little one. Those fevers can be very scarey!

Waywards are selfish, nasty little creatures and you cannot expect anything from him right now. Any sane parent would be right there with you, whether you were "together" or not helping you and caring for his/her child. The fact that he isn't is proof that his mind is fogged beyond recognition, and all you can do is focus on yourself and your baby right now. Not an easy task when you are so devasted, I'm sure. But you can do it! Focus on all of things in your life you can be grateful for, like: your kids, faith, family, friends, home, etc, and let the rest go as much as you can.

We're here for you, Free...

(((((((((Free))))))))))

Hi FreeTo…

I’m really motivated by your story. I haven’t gone (officially) to PlanB yet, but I may as well be there. I haven’t seen or spoken to my WS since last Friday night (that’s 9 days). She’s left one email and two phone messages, all to do with business stuff. I’m a real mixed bag of emotions, apathy, anger, sadness…..the whole thing.

I love your line, The stronger I become, the less desirable (s)he becomes….I’m well on my way there! Basically, if she can’t be bothered to think of me, then she can go to he77!

What an awesome change… keep it up!

Hi Free,

Just wanted to offer my support and to say that you're not alone in that your feelings are swinging from sadness to madness. It changes throughout the day for me, if you have any tips on how to deal with them let me know!

Keep strong

So, 4 days with NC and my WH called me at work! I let it go to VM, he called my cell, I didn't answer. Finally at 5 mins to 5 he called again and I answered. To quote Serenity STUPID, STUPID ME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He was griping and moaning that he was NOT going to call anyone else to check up on our son, and that he is NOT going to meet me at the church to pick him up on Wed and that I am NOT the one that is going to be making all the decisions.
And yet he maintains he hasn't read the letter. Well, call the papers, cuz he must have xray vision.

The thing is, he hasn't called at all to check up on DS1 anyway and we haven't talked since I saw him in court last Thursday. And picking him up at the church is the same distance as it is to our house so he has no argument there.

I think he is angry enough to see stars b/c he can't a) manipulate me with his false charm or b) control me anymore with his anger.

As bad as this may sound, I'm not going to budge on him meeting us at church on Wed. I have a girlfriend who offered to be the intermediary there, so I can kiss my DS1 goodnight and go in the sanctuary while they do the exchange. Hmmm, do you think I am being too "my way or the highway" with this?

I really waited very late to do Plan B, b/c my deep love for him has faded. I can see so much the benefit of going dark and STAYING dark just to keep that love alive. I have put this in God's hands a long time ago and I know He is controlling all of my actions. But it isn't just his A that did this.
He neglected so many of my EN's I forgot what it felt like to be respected and in a normal, loving relationship.

I pray and discern before any major decision. If my WH never comes back, then I am going to be ok with it, which is a huge realization for me.

Res, I never called to let him know about DS1. He had his cell plan canceled. But I don't think he would offer to come by anyway as part of MY punishment. He loves his son, but he is vindictive like that. Can you believe it. Jeez, I would be there in a heartbeat if the tables were turned. It is things like that which makes me feel his personality as a whole is not as nice as I need or want. And that is just one facet to him.

Mimi and LS, no worries I'm not going to jump in the sack with another man. Mimi that was a definite thwack. I don't know if I should thank you or thwack you back! LOL

LS, Thanks for explaining your thoughts.

I think we feel differently about this topic. At some point down the road my life will turn in a different direction and I will be open to meeting someone new. I do struggle with rationalizing it b/c if it's dishonorable for him, isn't it dishonorable for me?! Still thinking on that one.

If he does NOT come back, I am not going to put my life on hold and I'm ok with that. I have several Christian, godly friends who met someone before their divorce became final. So when is the time the "acceptable time"? Just when the papers are signed. Does that mean the day before is not good, but the day after is ok? This is something I have struggled with.

Ron, I just posted something to your thread.
Tarnsy, I find that Kendall Jackson Chardonnay helps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep it up. Stay dark. No more answering his calls OK?
Your plan is working. He is just trying to manipulate you into being friends so he can continue to cake eat. I like you wonder how long they can continue to blame the BS for their actions.

As for my Plan B, my DS is only 2 and exchanges are upsetting enough for him so I don't want to make them worse by sending someone he doesn't know to collect him from WW's house.

Goodluck

Free, ahhhh, still amazing, you are! Stay dark, hon, he is trying to smoke you out. Thank God you aren't buying it! Stick with your plan-it is awesome (especially about meeting at the church!)!!!

About the finding another man thing, I believe Dr. Harley recommends 1 year of being single for every 5 years you were married (but it may be for every 3 years...someone help me here, cuz now I cannot find it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />). Honestly, I know you are lonely and would love some company, but you gotta put it out of your mind for now. You have a lot of healing to do, and you still have to get through the D-- IF it even happens! That's a big messy can of worms to bring into a new relationship. Make sure it is good and behind you and you are emotionally ready before you go down that road! If you want to be purely "technical" it would be the day after the papers are finalized!

BTW-I sooooo loved your statement on the "hate thread"...it just made me love ya even more!!!! You just crack me up!