My H was/is a VERY PROUD person too..

Your WH is NOT SPECIAL....

YOU are the ONE that needs to STICK TO THE PLAN..NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Hope,

There is no getting around the fact that anyone's sitch is the most awful for them. Some seem to have easier stories than others. Personally I think ours are some of the worst.

You know I love you and am here for you. One of the things that was so hard for me to buy into and truly comprehend and I still have my hard times is that what our WH's are involved in is an ADDICTION. Over and over again, and I do the same thing, I try to reason where there is NO REASON.

These men are NO LONGER our H's, but MONSTERS who think nothing but themselves, their desires etc. It hurts beyond belief. It's sad beyond imagination. And we the ones hurt are left holding the bag. It's not fair, and you have every right to not want to work on the M.

But more to the point. We are in a journey of trusting G-d and putting FAITH in him. We are at this point in our life for a reason. I have NO CLUE, why, well I can't lie to myself. I do know why I am here. But maybe you don't.

You truly don't know what is going to happen in the future. But regardless of it, you have work to do to recover as a woman or you will bring this hurt into your next relationship whether it be with or without your H.

Please remember from the very start. Plan A and Plan B were ALWAYS ABOUT US, OUR FOCUS AND WHAT WE DID TO TRY AND RECOVER OUR M. They were never about the effect that they had on our WH's because we simply don't know what G-ds plan is.

I for one, want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I gave it my very best shot. Yes, I pray with all my heart that one day WH realizes what he is losing, but I don't get to control that or even have a part in it. That's between G-d and WH.

I guess what I am trying to say and probably not very well. I had to come to the conclusion that I could not hide from my part in the M and I had to work on me. That I had to truly come to understand that this is SO OUT OF MY CONTROl and that G-d can fix it if I stayed out of the way and continued to work on me.

There are no shortcuts for us. The fact is we truly don't know what is going to happen. And if you are willing to wait it out, then you can see what G-d reveals. Or not, and that is totally your choice and no one would fault you.

I love you Hope. I understand being disheartened, but reach for G-d. He is right there for you. Does it always work? NO WAY. But it's really the only thing we have.

that and LISTEN TO MIMI.

Thanks for the comforting words Queenie...I can always rely on you to help put my mind at rest.The kids are going to him this weekend and I am feeling down today..

What makes me despondent about my stitch is that compared to others my WH doesn't say he misses me,thinks of me or tries to contact me.He never asks the kids about me either...I don't know whats going on in his mind....I do think that because he knows I want him back,he won't say anything to get my hopes up.

In the past,WH has emphasised that this is all about HIM AND WHAT HE WANTS TO DO...and he wasn't too concerned about OP if he decided to come home etc..
My EXBIL told me last month that he thought WH was'nt 100% sure what he wants.

Mimi I agree that WH's not special as he has said and done typical WH stuff through this last year...What is not typical about him is that he doesn't try to make contact which makes me think that he doesn't care..
OK I did cave on my plan B and he most probably thinks I'll do it again!!It has been 1 week in my new plan B and I already wanted to phone him this morning!!

Shall I send him another plan B letter reminding him of conditions?I sent him one in Oct 07.By Dec he had weaseled his way back in the house when he fetched/dropped the kids off.In Jan 08 I gave him a James Dobson letter and told him not to come in the house which made him mad...said he thought I had ACCEPTED things by now!!

Mimi how long did your WH live with OP for before he came home?My WH moved in with OP straight away 13 months ago and they are still together..I don't think its still a fantasy anymore...

I won't have access to internet over the weekend but please post to me as I always need support!!thanks.

I will be able to post untill tonight.(I am 8 hours ahead of you guys in the states!)

I am trying to be positive but today I feel like I must just accept reality that WH won't come home.I hate this rollercoaster!!I just wish for a sign that I knew what was going on in WH's mind.Last friday when I phoned him he said"can we get together to talk.When I said what about?he said don't worry,then he had to go???Whats that about!!

Mimi while reading your post I liked what "keepmvn4wrd" posted to you about how to get a WH back.He/she said they had studied this for 20 years and listed a few things to do.
No persuing.
Be mysterious and don't give out too much information.
Agree with what WH says about marriage even if its negative.
Don't let him think that you want him back
Act as if you have a OP in your life.
Don't underestimate the power of jealousy.
Men respond to strong woman who show self-respect.
Be consistent and act as if everything in your life is great.
Don't talk about R or affair.

I showed the post to my DS18 and he said thats what I told you to do from the beginning!!!
What do you think?

Hope,

I think you are very lucky that Mimi is VERY FAR away from you. I am NO expert, but I can see some things that you are doing which are NOT MB principles.

First, remember I love you and am here to support you the best I can, but girl. YOU HAVE A PART IN THIS TOO... YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO. And that's get on WITH YOUR LIFE AND LET GO OF YOUR WH. There is NO OTHER WAY.

Stop worrying about what he is DOING. YOu don't know what is going on in that SICK, DISGUSTING, MONSTER, ALIEN BRAIN, if ANYTHING. REMEMBER, HE IS AN ADDICT, ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS HIS NEXT FIX. Leave them ALONE AND STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON OVER ON THAT SIDE OF THE STREET.

Rule NUMBER ONE, take care of yourself. Build a NEW LIFE for yourself. If you think this is easy to say or do YOU ARE WRONG. I HATE IT. But I am doing it. I do the same thing, stop wondering about what you DON'T KNOW, and work with what you do know.

The sad part is your H is GONE. Your M is DEAD. But that doesn't mean you can't have a NEW ONE, if you are willing to work at it and buy into the MB PRINCIPLES with all your heart and soul. This was is REALLY hard for me, stop looking to other opinions, ask G-d, seek G-d and wait for his answers. There is a scripture that says he knows the beginning and the end. If he does, quit fighting it because you could be screwing up what he is working on at this very minute. OK.....

Now, let's get to these things of what to do? What are you doing to become the best person YOU can be? What changes have you made in yourself that allowed the M to have troubles? Have you honestly looked at your part and discovered what you are willing to change or not?

I'll repeat, my sitch looks as hopeless as yours. BUT, I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON G-D. YOU AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR OUR WH. WE CAN'T BRING THEM BACK, ONLY G-D CAN. What I can do is become the very best woman G-d intended for me so that when the time comes and G-d reveals his plan to me I am READY to be BLESSED. That is your JOB and RESPONSIBILITY. OK..

Mine doesn't either. The ONLY TIME he contacts me is when he wants something. Plan B is taking this option away from him so he has to rely on OW for EVERYTHING.

TYPICAL WW, SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED CREATURES... Would you honestly want that in your home today? I certainly wouldn't. And I was the one who would take him back on any terms.

Hope, you have NO IDEA what he is thinking. ONLY G-D DOES. And that's really a big IF that he is EVEN THINKING. HE IS AN ADDICT, WORRIED ONLY ABOUT HIS NEXT FIX. LET HIM HAVE AS MUCH OF HER AS HE WANTS AND STAY OUT OF IT.

I find that some days its just plan easier to accept the sitch for what it is. And some days it isn't. I think Mimi has said that if H loved you once he can love you again. That is what we are faced with. Creating the spark in us that will draw our H's home when they break up with OW. I HATE this fact, but I am willing to go to ANY LENGTH to fight for my M. If that means I start at square one by attracting him home then that's what I am going to do. Are you. Do you know how you get there? Make those changes in YOU. BECOME THE BEST POSSIBLE CHOICE WHEN THEY BREAK UP.

Hope, I see those things that keepmvn4rd wrote. Obviously some are good. But girl, if you bring games into this and make him try to do something or not, you will LOSE. STAY OUT OF G-D'S WAY AND DO WHAT G-D LEADS YOU TO DO. Are you reading your bible, do you pray sincerely, do you talk to G-d all day long. Has he become the one you are dependent on.

Mimi is the best, and her advice has helped me beyond words to express. When she started with me, I couldn't even imagine calling my WH and asking out. Not only did I find the strength to do that, but so much more. I am ready to go into the darkest Plan B anyone has ever seen. Do I want to, NO. Am I afraid that I will NEVER see H again. YES. But I am fighting for my M. I will go to any LENGTHS with G-d's guidance to show G-d how much I want my M restored.

NO, NO, NO. Do not get involved with anyone or play the game of making him think anything. That is NOT living in G-ds will.

I'm rambling, but girl you have me going here. Please let go of your WH, and concentrate on what G-d needs you to do. You can't control what is going on over there, you have no idea what is or isn't happening and you don't know what or if any effect is having on him. If he is confused, that's awesome, become the best possible choice when he figures it out and gets away from her.

Vets, if I have blown it here, please hit me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Queenie thank you for your advice..its always appreciated.I just feel that because WH has filed and doesn't contact me that my stitch is hpeless..that said I agree wiyh what you say.I have moved on in my personal growth...I have done things that I wouldn't have if I was with WH!!Friends are supportive and include me always..

I feel I have lost the fight cos WH has filed...I know that I have to make a life for myself without WH but it isn't easy when there are kids involved.WH s never truely out of your life...

I am going to make this last stand a strong one!!! I have nothing more to lose.Its so weird not being able to know WH's mind when after 25 yrs I knew him SO WELL!!!
Do you think after the divorce he will become normal again ..no fog..etc!!

WH talks as if they are still soulmates...I wish my kids didn't accept them,although they don't like OP they go there weekends to see their dad.WH is glad cos he thinks the kids have got use to the split.

You feel like your kids are betraying you!!If I had girls I don't think they would have spent time with OP!!

Queenie you are so strong and ready for your plan B.Its tough but we have to follow the plans right?Its like walking the gauntlet!!

I'm going to miss you guys this weekend but I will be back sunday.Queenie I hope you have a lovely relaxing weekend..much love ....

So glad the forum is up and running again!I really missed posting and catching up on everyone.Queenie I just read your post and I'm thinking of you.Mimi you'll be pleased to hear that I have been in a strict dark plan B.It feels great...

I haven't heard from my lawyer which is good for me!!
DS18 mentioned that about 4 weeks ago I had phoned WH when my boys were with him..DS18 said OP had a fit and poured herself a drink..DS18 asked her what was wrong and she said Your mothers on the phone!!.I was very surprised that after 1 year OP is still insecure..

Anyway I won't be able to chat much as kids are with WH for a few days and they took their computers with them.I am at work now ...on my way home...
I will check in when I can.
WH still comes right up to the front door when he fetches the kids instead of waiting in his car.He tries very hard to come inside but kids won't let him.The other day he dropped off something for DS15.While standing at the door he asked if DS18 was home,DS15 said wait here I'll fetch him!!WH got mad and said he was in a hurry and couldn't wait and left!!So childish!!

I know its a small thing but WH needs to know that he won't be able to have anything to do with me or our home.It somehow gives me a feeling of control over my life

Oh yes, girl. That will happen. Karma baby, Karma.

My WH's SUV was repossessed and he lost the house he was renting to own..had only 2 years to pay on it. He's also living in his mother's senior citizen apartment. My bro-in-law's wife told me my WH is doing really bad and she hasn't seen him look that bad before. And I started to feel sorry for him! I knew about the auto payments but felt it was better not to help him even though I had the money to help him...it's for his own good.

Remember, vengeance is the Lord's. Your revenge is living a great life w/God. Let him go, Sis. And by that I mean give him back to God and ask God to give him back to you.

Speak LIFE into your situation, speak LIFE into your WH. Control how you react to him.

And it's never too late. God resurrected Jesus, didn't he? So He can also resurrect your marriage.

1ST its great to hear from you and you seem very strong.I'm getting there with Gods help.Why are men so stubborn and proud?Even when their lives are falling apart they don't change.It just shows you God works in ways we don't understand sometimes...but I have learnt to really put my LIFE and TRUST in Gods hands.Its the safest and best place to be.

I'm at work now so can't chat....
Keep in contact..
God is truely amazing...He sends me signs and blessings constantly..its as if the closer I draw to Him the more he gives to me!!

My1st, those are some very wisdom words.

Hope,

I miss ya gal. I'm glad you are being dark. I don't know what's best or not. What I know is that the people on here who have what we want did what they are telling us to do. So, that's what I am choosing.

My thinking got me here. With G-d and everyone else's help that I believe are being used by G-d for us, we have a fighting chance for our marriage.

Just keep on being in the dark, and walk in FAITH with G-d.

You are doing awesome.

All is very quiet and peaceful...still in a dark planB.DS18 told me that WH had OP's car engine fixed and that he spent the weekend putting it back!!He used to work a lot on cars when he was young and now he hates it!!OP's car hasn't been running for about 8 months now....its a 1980..something jetta.She has been sharing WH BMW 4x4...WH must be tired of this for him to be working on her car!!!
Its been stinking hot here to which would have made WH more uncomfortable!!

Anyway its been a month since I've heard from my lawyer and family and friends are trying to get me to move things along..I can't tell them I've been praying for the divorce not to happen?
WH doesn't seem to be in a hurry either.....I am not going to do anything..the ball is in WH court.I wonder what OP is thinking?

The kids are on school holidays so they are out and about having fun which is good to see.My house is the local hang out for friends which I enjoy,although they eat me out the house!!!

Mimi how long did your hubbie live with OP and how long did you plan B him?
Is it common for the WH to plan B the BS cos I feel like his doing that to me!!

Queenie I'm keeping up with your thread and you have some wonderful people guiding you.You seem so strong..God is truely my comforter and healer.I could never have got this far down the road without Him by my side.I do have to fight off the doubts that creep inside me at times but prayer pulls me back on the right path!

My friend who is old and wise told me "you can't have happiness in your life at the expense of anothers unhappiness"
So true....

Queenie has your WH tried to contact you yet?

Hey Hope,

If my WH has tried to contact me, I don't know about it and so it mustn't have been an emergency.

I am really working hard at not even paying attention to what is going on on his side of the street. I haven't checked the phone or email once today and that is a FIRST. It's also quite nice, because they I really get to leave it in G-ds hands.

Which is what I need to do.

DS15 was with WH for a few days then went to a friend for 2 days...he came home tday..he said OP and WH had a huge fight,shouting at each other in the kitchen!!DS15 is very sensitive to WH 's drinking and he told WH on another night "you're getting drunk!!so WH went to bed!!OP never followed.

Its so strange and amusing to me to hear that WH had a shouting match with her..we never did that!!So much for soulmates!!
Its comforting to know that all is not a bed of roses in fantasyland.

Today was a good day for me although I still think about WH.Because its school holidays,I don't see OP driving to work in the mornings which makes such a difference to my day.Kids say OP drives terribly..this statement came out of the blue the other day.There seems to be more bad traits in her than good..yet WH likes her!!I think he really has affaired-down..
Its all about how she makes HIM feel.....

My kids are home so I'm happy,thet really have amazed me how they have taken on more responsibility around the house,especially DS18,who is in his final year of school.

A friend of mine who is wiser and older than me told me that my boys will always admire and respect me cos of what we have been through together..they really carried ME in those first few traumatic months when I was nearly admitted to hospital for having a breakdown.

Anyway we will all be stronger in the long run.I still feel heartache for WH when he eventually sees the consequences of his actions,BUT THATS HIS JOURNEY

Yep, we don't get to take away their journey.

G-d is working something out in them and we need to be out of G-ds way.

And walk in faith. Did you read the email from Charlene Cares last night. It's awesome about faith.

I love those emails!!I print them out and read them when I'm down.
My DS18 is going to hospital on tuesday for an operation on his ankle bone.It's basically a follow up op from his motorbike accident 2 years ago.Anyway I was told by our med.insurance that we would have to pay a large admission fee,something that hasn't happened before.I needed a photostat of WH I.D as well.I text WH and asked him to fax me a copy while I was at work which he did.

I then text him about admission fee and could he deposit it into my account.He tried twice to phone me on my cell phone and I just switched it off.Later he text me to say he needed to talk to me,am I busy,can he phone me later.I replied,what about?He replied,DS18.I said he could phone tonight as I am busy!!

He was sickly sweet when he phoned,A FIRST in a long time..He questioned the need for the deposit and I assured him calmly that it was correct.He is still going to phone and check why?
BS:Will you then deposit the money?
WH:I also want to be there when DS18 is admitted,I'll pay then.
BS:OK,otherwise I must cancel the op with doctor.
WH:You mustn't be SILLY and cut me off when I phone you.(still sickly sweet).
BS:I was busy (a lie)
WH:You did it twice.
BS:(CALMLY)You know what its like you did it to me in the past.
WH:taken by surprise and muttered something incoherant!
BS:I got your text message,you don't need to talk to me.
WH:What if its life threatening ,there will be times when I will want to talk to you.
BS:(shocked)text me.
WH:silence...
BS:Well I must go now bye

This is the first time he was my H and not WH in a year!
I am going to give him the PBL again cos I think he thinks conditions don't apply anymore..my fault to.
OP was definitely not around when he phoned me!!!
I explained to DS18 that when WH comes to the hospital I will politely excuse myself and say I have to go to the lab(where I work..its in the same hospital)When WH leaves I'll go back.WH will have to go to work so won't stay long.

DS18 was angry.He hates the hospital cos he was in severe pain last time and has bad memories...I was his pillar of strength..I think working in a hospital makes you accustomed to it.He was in ICU a while.
DS18:this is not about you and dad its about me!!!
ME:Please understand I need to do this to become strong and to be able to move on.He said he understood.

I just needed to vent...Do you think I did the wrong thing by speaking to him?I know he has forgotten about PBL..and he would have seen it as me snubbing him..I know I came across as calm and friendly,no talk of R,I made a point of ending the phone call first too.I could hear he was surprised!!
I was dreading the call all day!!

Hope,

Do you want the truth?

I knew you would be cross with me Queenie!!!

I kept the conversation short..and made sure I was upbeat and not needy or desperate.

I think I must give him the PBL again to refresh his memory of how we will communicate in the future.He threw me when he was upset that I never answered his calls..didn't think he cared...

I have to stop assuming I know whats going on in his head.

That was the first contact we had in 5 weeks.

Because the D has been put in motion by him,I subconsciously think anything now is not going to work getting him back.I was ok talking to him and I wasn't upset when I put the phone down...

I'm not going to be cross. Just honest.

If you are in Plan B, then you are breaking it AGAIN.