Pixie, some waywards do rush to legitimize or normalize their infidelity by introducing the children into it. Whether or not it works is almost always a toss-up. Sometimes it really does backfire.

I think it backfires more easily if when the children are girls being introduced to the OW, or when the boys are being introduced to the OM. Much of that reaction is probably based on the child's bonding and/or identification with the opposite gender parent.

KWIM = Know What I Mean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

this list was one of the funniest things I've read here in a long time ....

"circle yes or no" sent me over the edge

LOL LOL LOL

and we wonder why waywards cannot be educated - they be dumb
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

lordythiswasfunny

I'm having a really hard time here holding it together. The pain and anguish are as fresh as they were the day I found out. It's been 2 months. Even though I wasn't aware of MB, I've pretty much been doing Plan A all along, but with many days of LB's thrown into the mix. I'm not a very good Plan A student at all. Last night we had it out again in the same old style, with the same begging and pleading from me and the same lines from him. He's still following the WS Handbook to a T but I wonder if he's serious? Everything he says is so convincing; he sounds so sure. Yesterday I called my atty and asked him to stop our divorce petition but now I'm thinking that's a mistake; I'm going to call him this morning and tell him to "hold" it instead of stop it.

Really, I don't want to mess this up by skipping too quickly to Plan B, but I'm really struggling here. Everything he says just rocks me to my core; I feel like a shell of a person.

On one hand, not talking to him sounds like a blessing, but on the other hand I can't imagine not talking to him every day. He's my partner and the one I go to when I need love and support and encouragement. Obviously that's the problem and why this hurts to much.

Please advise. I'm losing myself here.

((((Pixie-girl))))

You must come here more ofter. I am so sorry about your fight, but don't beat yourself up over it. It's wasted energy. Have you read "Surviving an Affair" yet? The book is instumental to your Plan A. In fact, I am going to have to re-read it to sharpen up my A game.

Have you figured out what his EN's are? That is important to so you know where to start.

And your self-esteem...what are YOU doing to make YOU feel better about yourself?? Remember this...Only YOU are responsible for your OWN happiness. What are you wearing around the house? Do you put make up on every day or only when he is around? What about your hair? See where I am going with this?? I had let myself go for years, in fact it was one of WS biggest complaints (and one of his TOP EN's for that matter). So I started my Plan A there. Of course, it helped that I've lost 25 lbs because of all this stress. But I found out that by taking care of myself, not only did it please WS but I felt better about me.

Now, about the begging and pleading...IT HAS GOT TO STOP...NOW..RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I know that sounds harsh, but it will only draw him further into OP's arms. That is not what you want, right??? I know it is hard to do, but you must stop. No more, ok???

As far as what he says, ignore it. I know it is hard. I am still getting the same stupid lines myself. Remember the alien anology. When he says something stupid like that, take a deep breath, picture the alien in your head and have the alien say it. It doesn't mean anything. Nada, Zilch, Nothing. Walk out of the room if you must, but do not fall for his BS lines or if you do don't let him know. Come here and let it all out. We will help.

As far as Plan B, it is too early for that. He needs to see a great Plan A first. That way when/if you go to Plan B he will see how good it is at home with you.

And try not to lean on him for comfort or support. I know this is hard because I am the same way. Come here instead. Do you have any friends or family nearby that can support you??? This is important too. You cannot be expected to go through this alone. And don't forget God. He promises never to leave or forsake you. He is in pain with you.

Hopefully this helps. I am NO WHERE CLOSE to being an expert, but I have learned a lot. These are also the same things the wise people around here have said to me. Luckily, I am in a stronger place today to help you out.

Keep you chin up deary, this too shall pass, and the pain won;t last forever.

(((Pixie))

not2fun

I come here every day, several times. I just get overwhelmed with trying to summarize my life/situation so I don't post often. I should post to others more often, but again, I'm overwhelmed by the 50-page long threads. It's hard to come in on that on the tail-end, you know?

Yes, I have SAA and HNHR. Honestly, the beginning of each book has really helped me, but when it starts getting to the nitty gritty, I have trouble because I can't implement anything. It gets frustrating. You may have forgotten or didn't know, but my dh works away from home. He's not here at all -- he left 2 weeks ago. He's back in the same area where she lives.

Yes, I know what his EN's are, or at least I have a good idea. I am trying to meet those needs, but again it's hard to so over the phone. Hence the frustration.


well, I started the wellbutrin Rx, probably should have done that a long time ago. I've been exercising several times a week. I also shower every day and get dressed (a huge thing for me). I wear make-up when I can but this stress has caused huge excema break-outs on my face and neck so wearing make-up isn't a good idea. I do have eye liner on today though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I've been in my pre-pregnancy jeans since the baby was 5 days old, so that's motivating. With her nursing 80 million times a day, I should be shedding this baby weight in no time. I'm doing these things for myself. Again, he's not here to see them but hopefully next time I see him, the results will WOW him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'll have to reply to the rest of your post later. I have to go pick up my eldest from school.

Thanks for your post. Really.

You're right. It's so stupid. I don't intend to do it. The conversation starts out innocently enough and then I get sucked in and start up with it.

The thing is, he's NOT at home with me. I can keep plan A'ing him as long as I keep myself from lapsing into my hormone induced stupor and repeating the episode of last night. I cannot do that again. I will not do that again. My emotional well being depends on me not doing that again.

I'm trying to bring God into the picture more. I know He should not be my last resort. That's where I went wrong from the get-go.

Yes, I have many family and friends, which is exactly why it's stupid for me to turn to WS for "support". I need to work on getting my support group set up so I feel more comfortable calling someone when I'm about to falter. I think this is more about pride than anything else. I feel stupid saying "hey, I'm depressed and I want to call dh, so talk to me". I guess that's not so stupid, really, but sometimes it seems like it...

Thanks so much for hanging with me not2fun.

I am discouraged that he keeps telling me that he won't come back to me because he fears I won't change. I've told him over and over again that I know I did wrong, I know what I did wrong and I know how to change it. But he says that he fears being hurt and it's risking too much so he won't come back.

Is this normal? From the WS Handbook?

Also, what's a reasonable amount of time for Plan A? I was thinking a few months (but as I said, I'm not sure if I could reasonably do this that long). I saw someone on another thread mention 6 weeks. So even though I was "kinda" doing Plan A before I knew what Plan A was, do you think I should "start over"?

Last question for the night...

How do you deal with it when you know your WS is with the OW? For me, I'm just an absolute basket case on Sundays and Mondays when I know he's at her house. I mean, just absolutely beside myself with anguish. The thought of them playing house -- her cooking for him, doing his laundry, hanging out with her children. OMG it just makes me want to explode.

And to top it off, that's one of his EN's that I do well -- the domestic Goddess thing. {grumble grumble}

(((Pixie-girl))))

I tried to post to you earlier, but computer is giving me troubles. I will try to answer you questions tomorrow. I am coming down with a sinus infection, my head is pounding, my throat hurts, and I as so stuffy it is not funny. Hang in there...I just wanted you to know I didn't forget about you...

not2fun

Thanks Not2Fun. I appreciate your continued support.

I'm still wondering this morning a lot about his reasoning -- not wanting to pick back up in terms of getting hurt. It just seems like such a phony excuse. "I'm scared of getting hurt." Heck, I'm raw with pain and yet I'm still willing to take him back and try to make our marriage work. Seems like such a flimsy excuse. sigh.

I'm confused about Plan A. What's a "reasonable amount of time". Yesterday, I saw someone say 6 weeks. Today I see 6 months. I really need some guidance here.

((((Pixie-girl))))

You need help from some vets....might want to rename your thread. Maybe "How long does one do Plan A". Hopefully you'l get more responses that way. To rename your thread, go to your first post click on edit, and change the thread title.

I'll be back in a minute...

not2fun

bumping for some help for the girl...come on vets..I know you all will help....


^^^^bumpity bump bump^^^^^

^^^^bumping again^^^^^^

I read where Dr. Harley does not recommend it very long for women b/c of the emotional trauma that it can cause us. If I can remember or find the thread again I will let you know. I think it was his suggestion of no more than 2 months. But that includes no LB'ing in that time frame, b/c you want WH to know what it could be like if y'all got back together. The perfect bliss.

I for one did plan A several times over the course of my WH's infidelity and then full force again for about 5 weeks recently before I turned the lights OUT and went into Plan B just a couple of weeks ago.

I've been sorta skimming over your thread and your WH is speaking straight from the guide book. It's sooo AMAZING how he is saying EXACTLY some of the same things that my H said.

How long for PLAN A? Hard to say EXACTLY. You want it to have EFFECT..you want to demonstrate your ability to meet as many of his ENs as possible..you want it to end POSITIVELY..without you having engaged in LBing..or DJing...you want to end it WHEN YOUR LOVE FOR HIM starts to dwindle....when it starts to be TOO MUCH for you to be part of the TRIANGLE..when it is very clear that he has no plans to end the affair as an affect of PLAN A...

Okay, this is what I was thinking as well. I'm in FULL FORCE PLAN A as of yesterday with no LB'ing whatsoever. I'm going to do it right this time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,
I'm so glad to see you on my thread! I have another window open with your Plan B thread and have been reading it over the course of the last couple of days. I feel strangely connected to you; possibly because of the similarities between our husbands, as you mention. I think you and I are a lot alike, too.

I'm definitely not losing love for him so I'm still in Plan A. In fact, I have a renewed sense of love and hope these past two days. I've been praying and I finally have an understanding from God about why this is happening. He didn't spell out our future for us, but knowing that God is in control of this situation and leading me down the right path gives me great peace and comfort. He's telling me to "stay the course".

Good for you Lost Pixie!!

Lost,

One of the most IMPORTANT things that Mimi has given me and actually everyone else on here about Plan A is this is about YOU making those changes in YOU that YOU wanted to MAKE. These changes are NOT ABOUT HIM.

Keep the FOCUS on You. There is NO RIGHT OR WRONG with the WH. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEM OR HOW THEY REACT. You could be making amazing changes, doing an awesome Plan A and get NOTHING. That doesn't mean it isn't a good plan because if the changes that are happening inside are for you, then it's the BEST plan A possible.

I probably have worked a Plan A pretty long, for the most part the better of 7 or 8 months. It's very tiring on the system and please come here often for reinforcements. You can't have any expectations of anything. It will only hurt you, I know. I still have to tell myself that.

I look to G-d for my life, I remember how much I love my H and I remember this is a spiritual battle between G-d and my H and I am being taken care of for my commitment to my M and my obedience to G-d. And I remember what Mimi tells me over and over again. THEY ARE ALIENS, AND IS ICKY.. Most important thing, is that the OW doesn't have YOUR H. She has the monster. Would you really want that monster?

Actually, how I deal with it, by praying to G-d and coming here where I feel the most safe and blessed.