(((Pixie-girl))))

Mimi is out of town for a few days just to let you know. I don't have much advice tonight as I've gone a mucked up my situationa again...but I am glad you are in better spirits and attacking this with renewed vigor again.....


not2fun

Yep, you're right and I'm doing that. I've been thinking about this a lot the last few days actually, so I'm going to make myself a self-improvement list here:
1) Building a relationship with God.
2) Getting in shape -- both emotionally and physically.
3) Getting my house in order -- all the things that have been on the "to do" list for too long.
4) Loving on my girls and being the best parent I can.
5) Building up my other relationships and learning to enjoy my friends and family.
6) Expanding my mind by reading and putting the things I read about into practice.

To be honest, I'm not all that concerned about how he reacts. I thought this morning about the fact that he reacts very little (or even acts surprised or indifferent) when I "call him because I miss him" or "to hear his voice". I think he thinks it's an act, but it's not. Truth is, I'm not paying attention to anyone besides myself and God. (Well that's not true, but you know what I mean). If I want to call dh, I do. I tell him I love him and I miss him and all that -- because it's true. I hear the warmth in his voice, although sometimes he tries to cover it. I KNOW he's questioning what he's doing (he's told me as much), but it hasn't gotten to the point where he's ready to make the leap. It's a FAITH thing and I certainly can't force him to find God. But that's what this is about, so I'll just have to leave it up to HIM (ie God).

More later, baby crying...

Remember, there are two HE's... the WH and the H. Orchid tells people alot. Plan A the H and Plan B the WH. Have you learned to tell the difference?

When I am in the mode of thinking... I find it probably turns into stinkin thinkin.. BAD thing.. Maybe you can begin to look at it as noticing when you do this or noticing when you do that. It's just information for you to gather while working YOUR Plan A.

Where your WH is concerend, you DON'T KNOW. You may think you do, as I certainly did, but you don't know what G-d is working out in him.

As for what he says. Mimi says DON'T BELIEVE WHAT they SAY, just watch their ACTIONS....

Yes, WH is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL... He is G-d's child and G-d is working out something in him that WE DON'T KNOW.

I think maybe walking in FAITH is knowing that whatever G-d has planned for each one of us will be to the good. Walking in FAITH is trusting G-d to guide our life for his glory and serving him as best as we can.

I, like you want to think this through and know it will be ok. That is where the FAITH comes... whatever the outcome. I am still in the process of this.

I don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> To be honest, whenever we're not discussing the OW, he *IS* my husband. That's what makes this so hard. He's my husband in every way except the fact that he has a girlfriend. I've taken to just acting like I don't know he has a girlfriend because otherwise I don't know how else to deal with the pain when it crops up.

I think he just doesn't know what to say so he doesn't, but I know it affects him when I tell him I miss him or love him or called to hear his voice. It's not that he doesn't react -- it's that he makes a conscious decision NOT to react. Or he says things like "why?". Jerk. LOL



Yes, exactly. It's a hard thing to do... be Faithful. But if the alternative is living in the pain of this situation -- I'll take God's plan anyday. LOL

Can you elaborate what you mean?

REMEMBER, he is an addict, a WAYWARD, who will DO and SAY anything to get his next fix.. I need someone else to back me up on this, but he is in a FOG and NOT CAPABLE OF ANY CONSCIOUS DECISION. He is an ALIEN, sick and UCKY....

It is a hard thing to do. But something WE MUST do to survive this and come out STRONGER and BETTER because of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are doing great. Please just remember that he is a WAYWARD and NOT TO BE TRUSTED.... This was so hard for me to learn, and I STILL have my moments.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Keeping in mind that ours is a phone relationship, because he's 300 miles away -- He's pretty normal to me when we talk, as LONG AS we're not discussing OW. (Because of course when we discuss her, he shows me what a freakin' alien he is). Don't get me wrong, his thinking is seriously flawed, but for all intensive purposes, our everyday conversations are pretty normal, without the ILYs and IMYs from him.

He did upset me this evening. He was talking about his current job ending next Friday and talking about getting his truck fixed so he could haul his RV for the next job. I genuinely want his truck to be fixed so I was encouraging him but the conversation went deathly cold when he brought up that he plans to continue working in the same area -- where she lives. He says that he's going to sign the books (ie look for work) elsewhere but I know he's full of crap. He's going to keep working right there where his honey is. I'm so sad. I've got a month old baby here on my lap that he hasn't seen since she was 6 days old and yet he has every intention of going back to work where she lives. bah.

He's all "whats' wrong with you?" I told him that I wasn't going to say it and he acknowledged that he knew why I went silent. So, I excused myself from the conversation and got off the phone. I haven't heard from him since (although he's at work now). What an a**hat.


Right. Alien. Check.

So, I'm talking to dh tonight and he says "I love you". I was pretty shocked, but recovered quickly and said "I love you, too". He then says "You're confusing me." (He's said this before.) I'm not even sure what I said; I was still thinking about what had just happened. Then he says "that was a mistake". Oh gee thanks buddy. I got teary and told him that that was really mean and we got off the phone.

I called him back a little later and apologized for getting upset, saying that i understood that he was in a difficult spot right now. He said that I misunderstood and that he got caught up in our pleasant conversation, laughing and such and that he literally got carried away and made the the ILY just came out. What a load of crap, right? I told him that maybe he should pay more attention to what comes naturally to him and not spend so much time thinking.

So, what say you VETS? I hope I didn't muck it up by making too big a deal out of it after he said it was a mistake. Either way, wouldn't you say that the ILY was him cracking a bit? Or am I searching for something that's not there (yet)?

He is just throwing you crumbs to keep you on the hook. Watch for actions.

And your Plan A should be around 3 months - a good solid Plan A with no LBs, no begging, crying, etc.

i guess that's what I don't get. why would he want to keep me on the hook?

fwiw, i am working a good plan A, when I'm not LB'ing (which I haven't done for the past few days). I see (ie hear) that my plan A is working on him. I KNOW it is, that's why I thought perhaps this ILY was real. Actually, I think it WAS real. It's just this "taking it back" crap that gets me. jerk.

Hey LP!

I think this statement says a lot!!! That what your Plan-A should be doing! He 'got caught up' with YOU! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't make too much over this, but it IS a positive sign that your Plan-A is having the desired effect on him. Keep it up and don't expect any 'major' changes just yet...

Watch his ACTIONS as that will tell you much more than his words will...

Semper Fi,

RIF

CAKE EATING... Sick MIND... WAYWARD....

Will do anything for that next FIX of EN.

((((Pixie-girl))))

How are ya hon?? I know I haven't posted lately, my bad. Please forgive me. But I can see you are in some very capable hands <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, I agree with everyone else. HE said that because your plan A is working so well. He later took it back, because either guilt about what he is doing set in or he wanted to see how you would react. Either way it doesn't matter because he is an alien WS.

And yes, he is keeping you on the hook because he is keeping his options open. If he truly wanted to be done, you would have D papers in your hand.

NOw, why is he not seeing his children??? I am sorry but this greatly conerns me. You did not have these kids all on your own. He is also responsible and not just for the money end of it either. I realize he works far away, but that is no excuse. What are your feelings on this??? HOw does him not seeing them make you feel? I think this important to address because it could help destroy your Plan A ( meaning you may get angry and resentful for what this is doing to the kids..at least the older one...).

I don't mean to stir the pot, really I don't. THis is just one thing about your situation that nags in my head. Maybe some of the vets can chime in on this one unless you are fine with the situation. If you are not fine, then you shouldn't think that by doing all the care of them is part of PLan A. Of course, like I said VETS can chime in.

Of course, you can also tell me to MMOB.

Anyway, hope ia all well and glad to see you are fairing well. Give the kiddies kisses and hugs....

not2fun

I guess, in my mind, there's a fine line between Plan A and me allowing him to eat cake. Where's do you draw the line? I guess I've never been clear on that. (And I'm espeically wondering about this in regard to sex, which I realize may be a touchy topic and YES I've been tested - twice in the last year because of being pregnant).

FWIW, I really don't think that he consciously said ILY (and yes I know how ya'll feel about the word consciously LOL). To me, the ILY was "natural" and the apology was forced in an effort to cover it up. To me, that just doesn't seem like him keeping me on the hook. KWIM?

Not2Fun -- I'm going to have to get back to your questions later, I've got to run. I won't tell you to mind your own business, those are very good questions and to be honest that issue/problem runs as deep as his infidelity.

Okay, here I am being a good Plan A student -- coming here instead of taking matters into my own hands...

So, I just talked to WH. It's Sunday and he doens't have to work tomorrow and I know he's headed to OP's house. He tells me "I'm headed over to a buddy's house to cookout and drink some beer. I hear they have bad reception out there." I think I snorted then said "okayyy..." and left it at that.

What a load of crap. I HATE LIARS! So either he doesn't want to be bothered or he's trying to spare my feelings. Either way, it makes me angry and I want to call him on it. But I should just leave it alone, right?

sigh.

Well, in case you're wondering, I did not call him on his lie. I'm still digesting how to handle it, but I think I'll just gloss over it, but ask him how his night was, what they had for dinner, who all was there, etc. Okay, truthfully -- I want him to feel guilty for lying but I'm not about to bring it up. I expect to hear the truth about it at some point soon but I guess in the end it doesn't matter.

I've got to get the laundry done and get packed. The baby and I are headed to a friend's house for an overnight while my grandma stays with my oldest.

Dh is coming home early next week so I've actually got a lot to do between now and then: house cleaning, decorating, making sheers for the dining room windows, etc.

LP, I feel the same way about the fine line in plan A. In order for me to even do a good plan A, I feel like I'm having to sort of kiss up to WW and patch up some bad feelings that still linger from all my exposure. I know the exposure is doing it's job....applying some pressure...but now I feel like I have to backtrack some to get WW to a comfort level where I CAN plan A.

Thus, I feel the same way right now......how do you keep the WS on good terms so they see what they are giving up....without kissing their a$$ and validating what they are doing. It is tough and I too would appreciate any veteran comments here on your thread.

Hey, LP, at least you have the thought of sex with your WH....my WW doesn't even want to think about that right now (or so she tells me). So, at least you are still desireable!!!

Hang in there....I'll be checking in to see how you are coming along. I've learned a lot from your situation and tried to apply some to mine. Best wishes - ILA

Hey LP....stole this from another poster....but it helps keep me going:

"....a theme I haven't seen on these pages in a while is hte addictive nature of A's. "Love is a Drug" is true.

Think of the WS as a drug addict and the OP is their drug of choice right now. They know it's not good for them, they know they are destroying their lives, but they will lie to themselves and everyone around them to keep getting the fix. An addict thinks only of themselves, their own pain, their own guilt, their own fix. They will alienate themselves from people they feel guilty around and surround themselves with people who allow them to continue their lifestyle. They will burn up their money, reputation, health, etc. to keep their drug.

Protect yourself, your health, your emotions, your finances from them. They are incapable of honest emotions right now. Do not trust their words or actions.

When faced with a an addict, it is important to set firm boundaries so they don't start sucking you in and taking from you...

Eventually this is what Plan B will do for you, protect you from their addiction and allow them to get to the point where they've had enough......"

Just some good thoughts to keep us going! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"He's pretty normal to me when we talk, as LONG AS we're not discussing OW."

Then DON'T talk about the OW...


And the line between cake-eating and Plan A? There is none really. Plan A is all about fulfilling his EN's and being the best W you can, laying off the R talk, having him bask in the love of two women... What you know and 'she' doesn't is that LBs will kill the R. She will continue to LB and you know enough to curb them/stop them.

Where it gets to be cake-eating is when you think he is at a place where he could continue this basking in each of you forever...very hard for a WS to do, differences do arise between the A partner and the S, and eventually the A implodes.

When to move to Plan B? When you start losing your love for him. Keep up a Plan A as long as you can, and when you feel your love slipping way move to a VERY firm Plan B. Wait out the A, and hold on to your remaining love and strength for the A to end a natural death. All the while leaving the sweetest Plan A taste in the foggy WS's mouth.

You know, we don't have problems in this department. Now, don't get me wrong -- we did in our marriage. But now, we don't. Go figure. Sexual Relations is one of his top EN's I'm sure.

Gotcha. No, we're not discussing her anymore. We're also not discussing our relationship. It's better this way, to be sure.


Got it, this is clear to me -- all of it. I just hope the A fizzles out as is the norm. I have turned this over to God and I feel so much better since then, but honestly this crap has got to stop. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He's mentioned that their relationship has "problems of it's own" and that she gets on his case about some things (one of which is him always taking my phone calls, which is why I think he lied last night about being with her.)

Anyway, what I'm wondering is how do you support your WS emotionally without getting into the nuts and bolts of his affair? What I mean is that I want him to know that he can come to me about anything -- and that he doesn't have to LIE -- but how do I offer that support without putting myself in a bad position?

Does anyone know what I mean? I've got a 6 year old blabbing in my ear and a baby crying so I fear I'm not getting my point across. Gotta go...