I have a current post under pre-marriage and the early years as well. It will kind of explain my story.

I have a depression disorder that causes me to lash out and say things that i really dont mean. I dont even remember saying these things. Well my husband left on the 4th to go stay with his parents for a couple days and get his mind together, then on the 8th he told me he wants a divorce. This kills me because i still love him with all my heart. Its just like he wont even think about giving it another shot. I just dont know what to do. I have gone to the doctor and got the right medication to take care of my outburst and I went to church yesterday and got saved so I can be cleared of everything i have done to him in the past. I have done everything possible, and he still doesnt want to give me another chance. We have been together for 5 years, married for 1 year and have a 2 1/2 old daughter. All i want is for him to give it one more shot so I really have a chance to try (now that i am on the right medication). How can I help him to understand that he needs to give it one more chance? Someone please help. I want my husband back, my family back, and my daughters father back (he still visits her, i just want him back in the home with her). I have been staying at our house and he has been staying with his parents. he wants to come back to the house since i cannot afford to pay for it, and he cannot pay for it and pay to live somewhere else. I am going to sometime be going to live with my grandparents. I dont feel this is the right thing to do, but i feel like i have no choice. Someone please help me save this marriage from divorce! PLEASE

Being saved and cleared of everything is between you and God. It doesn't fix the damage that you have done to your H in the past, or make him forgive you.

My W has some issues that are similar to yours, and some that are different, that I suffered under for most of ten years. She *finally* "got it" last year, and finally understands how much she neglected me for most of our marriage. She's making changes, which is her own challenge - my challenge is to temper my expectations and not expect the world of her overnight. Does that make sense?

Keep reading the material on this site, get some of the books that LA mentioned, and keep working with LA on your other thread. You're in the best of hands there.

I feel like i've been pushed into a corner with no where to go. I dont want to divorce my husband, i love him very much, but i feel like i have no choice. He keeps telling me he's never going to come back, and he will never give it another chance. He also wants me to move out of the house so he can move back in (since i cannot afford the pmt all by myself and he can) the thing is if i leave the only place me and my daughter could go is my grandparents house and we would have to share this tiny room together, and she is already having a tough time (she's only 2 1/2) I think i am just going to put my foot down and tell him that i am not leaving the house. He has been saying he is going to wait at about 2 months before he files for divorce (says his mom is the only reason he is doing this, she wants us bakc together) but if i dont leave the house, he will file for divorce right away so he can have the house back, the only thing is i dont think they would give him the house since i would be the custodial parent. Am i wrong about this? I just cant lose everything in my life and make my daughter lose everything too. She is used to that home and she loves it, i cant take her away from there. Being in that house is the only time i feel calm at all. I just dont want to lose my husband, my family, my home, and my car (i'll have to sell it to afford to live). I mean i feel like i'm losing everything and he isnt. When i told him this, he said "I dont know what to tell you" That hurts. I mean i really do love my husband with all my heart, and i dont want this divorce, not at all, but i feel like i'm left with no choice. I just hope that once he realizes i act like it doesnt bother me, he will stop and think about this. Any advice?

He is bullying you. Do NOT move out. The courts will almost certainly not allow him to have the house. He is your D's father; he therefore is legally required to pay for part of her food and housing. Don't let him bully you into doing anything! Stand firm, do not leave, tell all your friends and family (including his) NOW - TODAY - that he is doing this, in case he tries something underhanded, like coming in while you're out and moving your stuff outside. They all need to know TODAY that he is pressuring you, so that if he does something, they'll be able to say that he was trying to coerce you. The courts will not let him do that.

Also, TODAY, look up and visit a lawyer. It doesn't matter if you end up back together down the road - TODAY you need to know your legal rights, and you need to let him know that you have retained a lawyer who will protect your and your daughter's rights. That alone will probably make him back off and treat you more decently. Even if you don't have a job or money, you can find a lawyer who will help you. If you can't find one, go to UnitedWay.org and contact them for help.

Yeah my dad has a friend who's daughter just went through this and she had this great attorney who scared the crap out of the husband. I think i am going to make arrangements to meet with him. This just hurts so bad because i love him so much. I dont want to be mean to him through this incase ever in the future there is a chance to get back together, but my gosh he's being so cold to me i feel like i have no choice. I just really hope that if he thinks i am going through with this and i am serious, he will stop and think. He is supposed to drop our daughter back off tonight i think i am going to have a small box of his stuff by the door, just so maybe the reality will hit him. This is just so painful because i do love him very much and i know our marriage could be fixed. The only reason we are in this position is because i have depression/bipolar and i wasnt being treated. The day he told me he was thinking about leaving because of my actions, i got a doctors appointment and got help, i have done so much to change and i really have changed, and he just tells me its too late. That hurts very bad.

So now you are going to abuse him even more?

why are you so rude? I have put up with a lot from him too. I have done everything to get the help i need, so I am trying to make our lives better, I'm not the one who walked out on my spouse and 2 1/2 year old instead of trying to resolve the problem. I love my husband with all my heart, and the last thing i want in this world is to get a divorce. I love him very very much and all i want is my family back. If he isnt going to try and be a family again, he cant just take me and my daughter out of our home with no where really to live and make me lose my car, how will i transport to work to support my daughter? I'm not trying to be mean, and i dont want to be, but I am the one who wants to work this out and who knows it can be worked out, i'm not the one saying its over.

After years of abuse, he isn't going to trust you overnight.

You haven't had one ounce of empathy for his feelings and continue to make it all about you.

He is the one you damaged and now demand him to repair himself when he has no idea of what to do and he absolutely can't trust you.

All I've seen is you are now going to threaten him into staying, yeah that'll go over really well.

How about this, distraught...tell him you're sorry for how you treated him (it's important to validate it and not brush it aside). Tell him he has every right to be upset and unhappy with you. It was your responsibility to go to the doctor, and get some medication. Tell him that. Tell him he deserves a wife who appreciates him and treats him well, and you are doing everything you can to get back on track and put things right.

Explain that your daughter has a lot to lose if you split up - a secure home - her daddy right there - etc. Tell him it will be confusing and upsetting for her to not have her parents together, to be uprooted, and can he see it in himself to stay under the same roof - not necessarily sleeping in the same bed if he doesn't want to, but for economic purposes and to give your body a chance to acclimate to your medication.

Just see what he will say. Maybe he hasn't thought it through completely.

I am not threatening him into staying. If he doesnt want to be a family anymore, thats fine. I have empathy for his feelings and what i have done to him and for the two weeks before he left i did everything to could to show him how sorry i was and how horrible i felt for doing him that way. I have tried very hard to make it up to him. I dont expect him to forgive me overnight. I know thats not going to happen. He said he's been feeling this way since the summer... so i know feeling that way for 5 months is going to take a lot of time to repair. I'm not making this all about me. I love him and care about him, and it kills me to think about what i have done to him. It hurts to see someone you love cry because you have hurt them. I am not demanding him to "repair" himself. I am trying to get him to go to counseling or our preacher so he can get the help he needs and work out all the emotions he has in his head. Its not good for him to keep it bottled up like that. I want him to see a counselor or preacher by himself, not with me, only so he can try to figure out his feelings, whether they are for me or not, its not good for him to keep it all inside like he's doing. I do care about him. I am not just thinking of my self, i am thinking of my husband and my child. Its just not about me and him, its about our family.

See, this is all going to take time. You have to eliminate the things that he would consider love busters first, and not being medicated and lashing out is one of the biggie things that I'm sure he needs to see corrected in order to stay.

What else? Is there anything else that he complains about or seems unhappy about? Those are the things you have to figure out and eliminate. There is a love buster questionaire here for either spouse that you can print out. Maybe he would be willing to fill it out, or maybe you can fill it out for him and work from that. This is important.

I wouldn't leave. I wouldn't allow him to push me out. See if you can get him back into the house. Tell him it's your house too - yours and daughters as much as it is his.

See if you can spend even just a little bit of quality time with him each day. No fighting. No watching TV. Talking though - getting along, so that he can see it CAN be done - talking about daughter's antics/accomplishments of the day. Increase that time up to 2 hours accumulatively. It's hard to stay withdrawn when you connect like this.

Understand that marriages involving bipolar disorders are not easy. Especially if you are not compliant with your medication or have the wrong medication. So, you almost have to be all the more diligent of your health - not ignore it - care enough about your husband and daughter to stay medicated and go to the doctors when you should.

It's like anything else - if you were diabetic or had high cholesterol - wouldn't you take your medication? Certainly.

Your husband is a strong guy - willing to love you and marry you and have a baby with you - despite your condition. Appreciate that by aspiring to normalcy with the help of your meds at all times.

soolee,
I have said all of those things to him. I have apologized like 100 times and used the "I" statements to show ownership of what i have done. I told him if he wants to come back to the house and try to make this work, he can stay in our bedroom and i will stay on the couch and he can still have his freedom (nothing ridiculous) and not have to answer to me except if he is having dinner with us. I even told him that if he wants to come back and try this, the very first time i say anything like i used to, i will file for the papers myself and pay for it. and he just says he cant do it. Everytime i try to talk to him about it he just says i'm making it harder on myself. I even told him last night, i said how are you going to feel 5 years from now if i get re-married and there is some other man raising your daughter and being a father to her? I'm not trying to scare him into staying, i just want him to really look at the future and what it means for everyone involved. He didnt say anything when i asked him that, he just kept looking at our daughter.

Yeah we have spent some time together recently, he came over to the house for an hour on thursday, an hour on saturday, two hours on monday, and two hours last night. He says the only reason he hangs out like that is just to be back in his house. I just think if he really felt the way he did, he wouldnt want to be around me at all, and wouldnt hang out like that at the house

Need some advice, he is wanting to stay at the house this weekend and have me go to my parents. He wants to stay there to see if any of the memories or feelings start coming back. Do i let him do this or is it a mistake? He says i can come back on Sunday, but do i let him or what? Everyone keeps telling me that if i leave the house he can get me for abandonment. Is this true? I thought you had to be gone at least one year before it was considered abandonment.

No, abandonment takes a full year of no contact.

Actually I think it's dependent on jurisdiction.

Why do you get to be the one to have custody and stay in the house? Aren't you the one who abused him for however many years? Why shouldn't you be the one to move out and let he and your daughter stay in the house?

I have a sneaky feeling that he will change the locks if you leave.

When my wife abandoned me, she had the locks changed before I could find a way home.

Because he is the one who is not willing to remain married? Not saying she's blameless, but she is asking him to stay together and he is refusing. It is his choice to leave the family or not.

I wouldn't leave the house for the weekend. He'll just change the locks and tell the courts you're a mental case and a poor mother and get custody, most likely.

Wanting to be alone in the house...to get back his feelings? Yeah, right.

Agree to go to counseling, etc., whatever it takes for him to come back to the marriage.

Have you determined yet whether there is an affair going on?

I am positive there is no affair. I have asked him many times and asked his family who he's staying with if he goes out or takes strange phone calls right now anything and he hasnt. And yes I have the house because HE left, not me, i went and got the help I needed. I did not walk out. I looked for a solution. If he changes the locks and wont let me in, cant the police make him let me in the home since our house is in both our names? I'm just so confused anymore i just dont know what to do. I mean i really do love him and his mom just called me and told me that he thinks i dont care about him anymore, i only care about material things like the house, thats not the truth, i tell him i love him every time i talk to him and how much i miss him. I wouldnt care if we lived in a box with not a dime to our name, it wouldnt matter because we would be a family.

Oh yeah, and we went to one counseling session, found out she wasnt an actual marriage counselor and i think she screwed us up more than anything. Two weeks later i found us a real marriage counselor and he refuses to go. He says no counselor can make him change his mind. He wont even go talk to our preacher (alone or with me)