Hugs at you, SC. Excessive anger and depression are very common where infidelity is concerned.
I've done some online research about anger. I discovered that there are a lot of people writing about it and there seems to be quite a lot of variation is just what all those people think it is.
Almost all of them agree that it helps to find out what the *root* of the anger is. I know the first answer that might come quickly to mind is "BECAUSE HE HAD AN AFFAIR, STUPID!). Okay, well the "stupid" can be said silently under our breath. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
But, I think there are still deeper places behind the affair where the pain and anger dwell. Here is some of the stuff I ran across. I am not offering as some sort of "understand this and you will be all well" kind of panacea. I know better than that. These are some notes I jotted from the reading I did, I make no claim to being the author and I didn't jot down the sources, I was just the note taker.
I have discovered that my own pain and anger tend to run around and around in circles - that there doesn't seem to be an ending or beginning - no handle to grab to stop the momentum. The same thoughts chasing each other without resolution. Faster or slower, the race around the circle continues without end.
So, the following are offered as possible "handles" that might can be grabbed to slow down the cycle long enough to take a breath and get a glimpse of the stuff *under* the whirlwind.
Some of these may be contradictory and they are in no particular order. I don't necessarily think that seeming contradictions is an indication that it's all wrong, but an indication of the different things that have greater impact upon different people.
Anger: comes from frustration and frustration comes from unfulfilled or unexpressed expectations.
Anger: the ultimate underlying source is fear.
Anger: the root most often is hurt and emotional injury.
Anger: a result of injustice or unfairness, when we have been mistreated and there is we can't do anything about it.
Anger: abuse of any kind (physical, mental, verbal, emotions). These actually fit under the "injustice" category.
Anger: Unmet needs. Whether expressed or unexpressed. This one seems to be a subcategory of "expectations".
Anger: when hidden or repressed can be expressed through strife. Begins with judgment, gossip, backbiting and thinking too highly of yourself. I can see this as a function of what I call "The Princess Syndrome" for women and the "The Alpha Male Syndrome" in men. It also comes into play for the WS (especially before the affair is revealed) when suddenly everything the BS is or does is wrong, and the AP are gossiping and judging the BS which then spill over back into the marriage and onto the BS (who initially doesn't have a clue as to what could be wrong.)
Anger: can come from impatience - we want what we want and we want it NOW.
Anger: a response to having ones dignity denigrated, mocked, treated as non-consequential resulting in conflicts and disputes.
Anger: as a result of jealousy - as it expands into hatred for the person/s who have what you want or think you deserve. Or of the persons who had access to something without your knowledge or permission that was supposed to be only *yours*.
Anger: is intensified and extended if you think or know that the intent of the person/s was a *deliberate* choice to inflict pain.
Anger: as a result of betrayal. This one may have to rest as the pinnacle of any anger pyramid, because it seems to encompass all of the above and as a result of that may be the reason that it is said to be one of the most painful things a person can suffer. It has it all: unfulfilled/unexpressed expectations, fear, hurt and emotional injury, the loss of dignity, the injustice, the strife, impatience (WS -got to have my affair crack, BS - got to get an apology and repentence), abuse, unmet needs, jealousy.
All of this is offered with this thought in mind. If the BS can look past the tornado of pain and anger and place in order of importance those areas that are causing the most pain even during recovery, then perhaps those could specifically be addressed in a concentrated fashion.
Similar to meeting someone's higher ENs helps a marriage improve quicker, perhaps addressing someone's highest pain areas would help a recovery improve quicker. In order to do that, the BS must determine what her/his biggest issues are. And that may not be very easy.
Just some thoughts.
