Mimi, Hmmm.

Maybe forgiveness isn't the right word. I accept my part of what happened in the M, and I choose not to be angry over it because anger is an emotion that hurts me

The reasons that I choose to forgive are all about me.

The reasons that I choose to reconcile are about him.

Are you asking why BS's choose to forgive or why they choose to try to reconcile?

not there yet Serenity...his actions do not warrant my forgiveness yet. That being said, they may never warrant it. In that case I will end up forgiving him, but only when I am at that place. The reason for that will be because I cannot harbor that hate/pain/bitterness in my heart. It is an awful burden to carry. I know I have done this in the past, and it was stupid. I am a very forgiving person by nature anyways, but being only 7 weeks out from DDay, it is too early yet. I also don't want to say it, yet not mean it...ya know, empty forgiveness.

not2fun

frozen-
I was asking why they choose to forgive?


I was just thinking about it this morning. Sooooo many people kick WS to the curb as soon as they find out. Most of us here posting are not doing that. So I was wondering what makes us different from the BSs that don't want anything to do with the cheater anymore.

For me I was thinking.... he didn't set out to deliberately hurt me. We had sunk to a low place in our marriage. That and I believe he's depressed and has been for long before this happened. So he was an easy target for the "wart-hog". He is very remorseful for what he has done/is doing, but he's still foggy, so I'm having patience and waiting for him to come home. In the meantime I'm taking care of myself better and smiling more ;-)

((not))- I'm a trusting person too! can't help it.

To me, that sounds like some BS's choose not to reconcile. That doesn't necessarily mean that BS's who opt for kicking their WS to the curb aren't forgiving.

I can forgive someone for harming me and choose NOT to continue a relationship with them simultaneously.

Forgiveness, to me, doesn't mean accepting that person back into my life.

I did, however, choose to reconcile with Patriot after the A. Heck, I chose to MARRY him a month after D-Day! Why did I choose that?

Honestly, the reasons aren't honorable or noble, IMO. It was a choice that I made mostly out of fear and naivete. He told me that he would do anything to reconcile with me and recover. I didn't see why he would lie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Pretty naive and trusting (aka gullible), huh?

Serenity,

sounds similar to how I feel. FWH was depressed and easy target for OW to meet his EN, which I wasn't doing. OUr M had deteriorated to a point where my mother was even surprised we got to 25 years. I accept my part in what happened and am working towards forgiveness (again). I will also ask his forgiveness for the things I did or didn't do to hurt him in the past. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I was totally trusting - and it was a hard earned trust after the first PA. I don't think I will ever trust again. Once bitten (or in this case twice), twice shy.

SS:

Your post here:


Isn't really backed up by the facts. Dr. Harley has many statistics about this.

That what people SAY they will DO. But when presented with the reality of it, many choose to attempt to reconcile, if the marriage was in any decent shape before hand.

Sometimes it just the straw that broke the back for the BS.

But most times, BS's who choose to reconcile, and those that throw out the WS, are really not that much different. Many times the WS returns realitvely quickly, even if thrown out. Because DDay really brings reality to the AP's. And for BS's, many things that didn't make sense, suddenly make SENSE! So, throwing out the WS is a reaction step, not an action step.

And remember, the WS can put the spin on it, "BS threw me out, and then I met OP, so, they are unrelated....BS is so mean"

Continuing the allow the WS to live in the home, while they continue the A, gives the BS more reason to kick them out....And keep them out (Plan B)

JMHO

LG