I have a terrible story about my affair of 18 months. I will tell it here now. It is long and there may be the tendency to look into the past, into spirituality, morality, addiction, etc. please excuse any side roads (or ask if I don’t go far enough down them).

First I have to tell you that I have lied, and lied, and lied, and lied …. The truths are all finally out, but only I know that for certain. I am not trustworthy, everyone knows that for certain. As I am typing this my 7 year old son is comforting my heartbroken wife. What on earth have I done??? And for what???

I need help knowing what to do next. How does one fully express remorse for something on this level? What does it take to restore the pure heart of a woman who has had it torn from her and molested by the one person she trusted most? I don’t know. All I know now is that I regret every action and every lie. I regret the immense pain I have caused.

If you don’t read my story because you sense that it will be all too familiar. Please at least help me with ideas to show this incredible woman just how much she is loved, how dedicated I am to her and ways to restore love and happiness. How can I show her that I am sorry beyond all words? That this will never happen again? That she can be whole again?

The Story:

The other woman and I met on a business trip. It seemed innocent. We hit it off and told each other about videos the other might like to see. We would lend them to each other. Innocent?? Seemed so, but I failed to mention it to my wife. Time went by, we spoke at work and I noticed that she would look at me in way that seemed too intense, seductive. Those looks fed thoughts in me. In those months, my wife gave birth to our baby girl (child number 3). That was the at beginning of July, then just month later, in mid-August this other woman and I admitted to having crushes on each other. It escalated quickly. A month after that we thought we had fallen in love. We tried to break apart, but the pain of separation brought us together time and time again. Things became sexual, with some brief encounters along with plenty of kissing and petting.

The question here is what made us think this was ok? I have to bring into question my own morality now. We surmised that things happen for reasons, therefore we were brought together for a reason (assuming that we were not looking for such a situation). What was that reason? A personal relationship? A working partnership? If it was put upon us, then was it wrong to investigate it? Hardly a thought to the others it would hurt and the immorality of it all. As we pondered that, our attachment grew stronger, yet no real answers of “why” came to bear. Now I can see that there was nothing to be gained, no cosmic or godly reason, it was merely two people acting selfishly, ignoring what is really meaningful. I have come to discover, that this is a person that I don’t even like! I am a person that I don’t even like.

So, in our delusion, we thought we were in love. We wondered what to do. Should we stay with our spouses and forget each other, or should we shatter our families to live some fantasy life together. How awful! Could real love ever allow the ruin of so many lives? Could we be that self-centered? We knew we loved our spouses, but what to do ?… we did nothing. We did nothing one way or the other, except to cause pain due to distance and rejection.

The relationship continued despite partial discoveries by her husband and despite heartbreak for my wife who suspected the truth but failed to examine it. She trusted me so completely. By Jan.07 we called it quits … sort of. The physical part was less, the sneaking was less, but the supposed feelings lingered. There was a “romantic” notion of two people creating together (I’m an architect, she’s an interior decorator) while sharing a secret love for each other only to be expressed thru a look or occasional word. How could two people be more wretched? This went on for some time with spikes and valleys of “feeling”. The occasional question about the future still popped up. It was still hard to be apart; I was sitting next to her every day and called on occasion if I was traveling. We would meet for a secret kiss and express a passing “I love you”. I offered gifts and love notes, and reserved these from my wife. I shared intimate details of my marriage and when there was a rare stressful episode at home, these were revealed to her. At times I painted my wife in a negative light. Rationalization perhaps?

In October my wife found out. I typed “hotmail” in front of her and some truth came out. “Yes, we had a crush”, “No, it wasn’t physical AT ALL” … on and on. We started to read books on infidelity. A crush is an emotional affair, the worst kind. We read, “Not Just Friends”. This book shocked me. This relationship seemed so unique, almost meant to be …. How could it be so formulaic and WRONG! The exact path, exact feelings, exact everything is laid out on those pages (read them). This wasn’t special, I could hardly believe it. I read on, not only wasn’t it special – IT WASN”T LOVE! All I knew of this person was the superficial shell that had been presented to me, like food at a fine restaurant. She was the chef that knew just how to make a wonderful presentation, but the fish was tainted and now I’m ill. When I took what I knew of her and, as the book says, extrapolated it out, I found someone that I loathed. It wasn’t love, it was addiction. Addiction to being told how wonderful and amazing you are. This from a person that didn’t see my short comings, nor did I see hers. A literal crack-like addiction caused by chemical flow to the brain (proven).

The book said to tell all, only truth can heal. So, I looked into the eyes of my beautiful, trusting and deserving wife … and I lied, again. “The ‘crush’ started in September, ended in Jan. No physical contact. We did tell each other we loved each other, but it was a conditional love. It was over in Jan. No one in the office knew and I said NOTHING negative about you. There were no gifts or romantic encounters. I’m sorry. ” There were more lies regarding details as she asked very specific questions and I could only lie to support my initial story. As I sort out my tendency to lie I see that it trails way back into childhood. That is another story beginning with a VERY strict religious upbringing, but it is a habit and a skill … I also see parallels with those I have known as they deal with drug addiction. Fear drives lies, fear of loss of respect, fear of loss of job, fear of loss of your loved ones (most important) and fear of loss of the source of your addiction (most loathsome).

So, my wife wanted to forgive and make things right. She researched. I wrote the other woman a no contact letter. I was to hand it to her silently and walk away . What did I do? I lied. I handed it to her and TOLD her it was best, I lessened the blow. Then, like the alcoholic bar tender seeing alcohol 8 hours a day, I took a drink here and there. We spoke several times, and once I even tried to call (just this December). Meanwhile my wife had worked for several months to get thru the horrible painful trauma of only the significantly incomplete truth I had given her and was starting to try to recover. Her last step was to call the other woman’s husband. She started counseling the other couple because she knew that the entire truth needed to be known for them to heal, the truth she thought she had!! But, he had more details, that led to days of lies being called out and truths exposed. Sex, gifts, notes, but worst of all were the questions of an uncertain future. The fact that I wasn’t sure which woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, despite the fact that I had a newborn baby and two other beautiful children. I was not in my right mind.

Just to show you how low I am … my wife is gorgeous, sexy, intelligent and loving. She works hard at her job and is dedicated to keeping the family going, getting bills paid, taking kids to practice, you name it. She is dedicated to her children, but in no way neglected me either physically or emotionally, except that at times I felt she could not understand the world of design, which seems so shallow and meaningless now. After the birth of our 3rd child she continually tried to reach out to me, to connect, but I was a distant shell. I am an architect. I draw pictures, pontificate, build some models and have people stroke me. The stroking feels fake, but I gave in eventually, especially to the other woman. Still, after the first wave of half-truths, my amazing wife took up headfirst the study of architecture in her “spare” time so that she could better communicate with me and follow my interests. As a matter of fact, she has inspired me more than an entire office of people, more that the other woman ever did!!!! This is the woman that I cheated on and lied to. This is the woman that I should have told right away so that we could have fixed it. Now she is shattered. The second round of lies was too much. I am the lowest form of scum. Will trust return? Should it? Now we are in despair. What I did disintegrated trust, there is no trace of it left. She is terrified that I will contact this other woman, either now or later on down the road. She is fearful I might follow this path of lies with another woman somewhere down the line.

Obviously, I have a lot to work to do within myself, to rediscover morality and spirituality. BUT, I love my wife and children more than anyone or anything. How can I help her know that after all of this? I certainly didn’t demonstrate it. She and I have been together for nearly 19 years (I am 40, she is younger). How do I help her heal? What can I do? I don’t deserve her love, she never deserved my self centered actions and lies. We are both at our wits end. I just want her to be happy again! I used to bring joy to her life, now I bring only extreme sorrow. I know it takes time. I am quitting my job. We are moving to be near her family. DRASTIC measures that I have brought upon us.

For any of you that have gone thru something similar, what have you done to show remorse and rebuild trust? Or, what would it take for you to rebuild? Please help me help her.

For anyone in the midst of exposing the affair ... tell everything – EVERYTHING!!!! Tell it now, at once, don’t victimize your loved one over and over as I have. We could have been nearly healed, now we feel lost. Do it! Ask me more if you like!

To the victims, you are stronger than us, the unfaithful. You have stood your moral ground. We are not worthy of you, we owe you our lives when you stand by us … my humble opinion.


So please, any thoughts – good, bad, helpful and ugly, send them here.

Thank you.

LTH,

You came to the right place. Your marriage can heal, if you are willing to do the work.

I am just coming out the other side of where your wife is now. Please look up my FWH's thread, tst is his username. You will find in there what true remorse and repentance looks like.

I don't know if I have the energy to post to you long-term. But I will give you this:

When my husband said to me, "I will do whatever it takes," and he meant it, we had a chance. Are you willing to do whatever it takes...whatever your wife needs....whatever your wife asks of you?

First steps:

1. No Contact letter that you write and YOUR WIFE approves and mails. A short letter about how cruel what you both have done is, that you love your wife and family and although you can never make up for what you have done, you owe it to them to do whatever it takes. Tell her you never want to see or communicate with her ever again.

2. Apologize to your wife and children.

3. Commit to being totally radically open and honest with your wife from here on out. (This is CRITICAL!)

4. Eliminate any possible ways that contact can be made...change cell number, unlisted home number, change jobs, move (I see you said you are--that is good), change email.

5. Be accountable to your wife every minute of every day.

6. Spend 15 or more hours a week with your wife.

I suggest calling the Harley's and counseling with them. It is WELL WORTH the money.

At minimum, get Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and Love Busters.

But, I say again, call the Harley's.

Sadly, here I am divorced...reading this board on a Saturday Night. I did as you say - I revealed everything to my XH the first time, and man did it make me get over that OM in a nano second. But my XH isn't as forgiving as your wife, and we had lots of other problems....so I never got a second chance.

We are human, we make mistakes.... and sometimes we have to pay the price. I'll pray for your family and pray that your wife believes your pleas to be forgiven and she can find it in her to forgive you again...

Hang in there, I'm rooting for your marriage....

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.
Thanks for the words of encouragment. I think she will forgive me again, she is amazing, but I have a lot of work to do.
I'm rooting for you too, to have Sat.nights NOT on the board!

LTH.....

I was lied to over and over again too and I know exactly how your wife feels. The trust is shattered. The only thing you can do is take it one day at a time. DON'T EVER LIE TO HER AGAIN ABOUT ANYTHING. NO MATTER WHAT.

Tell her over and over again how sorry you are, every day for as long as it takes. Prove to her with your ACTIONS that she is the most important thing to you in your life.

Ask her, when she's ready, to write out a list of what she needs to recover herself and what she would need of you to recover your marriage, if that's what she wants. Then do what she asks of you.

I use to be impressed when men like yourself came on here and asked what they could do to help their wives heal. I wished my H did that, but he never has. It's one of the reasons I don't feel cherished by him and still have one foot out of the door. But once those men posted a time or two, that was it. They never followed through. You will need to follow through and keep posting even if you don't like what you hear.

Your wife's story sounds familiar but not exactly sure who she is. All I've gotta say is you two are lucky to have found this site.

If you haven't already, please read all of Dr. Harley's articles on this website. Especially the ones on "Emotional Needs", "Radical Honesty" and the "Rules of Protection". There is so much more but that is a start.

You need to be immediately transparent to your wife. Give her all of your cell phone and e-mail passwords. Make it to where she can check up on you without having to ask you about it. Let her know where you are at every minute of the day until she longer needs you to. Actually, it'd be best if you did that for the rest of your life.

This woman is amazing for wanting to keep your marriage even after she knew about your affair. That's how much she loves you. Be willing to humble yourself. Put your pain aside to help her with hers for now. Yours can come later.

LEAD THE RECOVERY. Set up marriage counseling appointments for both of you. Set up individual counseling for yourself. Get the book "How Can I Forgive You" by Abrams and Spring? ?on the author's names.

Help her around the house because she'll be devastated for awhile.

Love her and expect nothing in return for awhile.

If you can SHOW her how much she means to you, over time, I'm willing to bet she'll be able to heal and love you better than you could hope for.

You screwed up and you need to fix this.

We are rooting for you.

Do not disapear.

Coming here was a really good move.

Good luck.

Lied....

I HATE SATURDAY NIGHTS.

What I wouldn't give to have my WH read your post or even feel one tenth of what you just expressed.

He walked out on me after a year in his A to a crack addict with hep C. He won't come home because he wants something more than to be married to his best friend.

Not only does the A cut me to the core, I could completely forgive that, but he WON'T even give me and our M a chance. He has destroyed it all and believes he is justified and the victim.

PLEASE, please don't play games with your BS and give her patience and be open to doing what she needs you to do.

This forum of people from both sides will help you if you are TRULY looking to make amends and create a new life. I wish you the best, and wish it were my WH doing the writing.

Thank you sexymamabear,

I am willing to do whatever it takes! And we do plan on contacting the Harley's. I'm gald to hear they are such a help. I owe my wife everything. Anything she needs or wants to recover I will give her. It seems to me too, that BEYOND your list I need to do little things that show her that she means much more to me than the other woman ever did.

Don;t worry about long term posting, any advice is welcomed right now. I am looking forward to reading your husband's post

LTH,

You sound like my FWH did when he came back to me. I pray that you are as sincere has he is. If you are, your actions over time will prove that to your wife.

Be forwarned. She will have triggers everywhere. She will not know they are coming. Something will trigger her sorrow, grief or anger. When it happens reassure her that you are sorry for what you did to here, that you love her deeply and that you will do whatever it takes to help her heal.

Triggers are the worst part of all of this for the BS. They bring back the feelings with the same intensity as when we first experienced them. Your love and support through them will help her get through it. It could be a song, a memory, a movie, a commercial, a perfume, a word, on and on and on.

It is slow here on the weekends. Keep posting.

You can come out of this with a wonderful marriage.

And yes, the little things will mean much.

I am glad you are calling the Harley's. We've been counseling with Jennifer and it has been amazing.

smmb,

Triggers - Yes we know about them. I may need a new wardrobe. My work clothes, or some of them, are triggers. Thanks for the advice on how to handle it.

I told my wife that there was a time when I closed my eyes to look into the future and all I could see was fog ... no idea where I was headed. Now I close my eyes and I see us, our kids grown, seeing the world thru her eyes, it's all crystal clear yet all very tenuous and delicate. I AM scincere. It helps to hear what has helped others.

It's good that you recognize this and are willing to remove the triggers that you have the power to remove.

Your sensitivity to her when triggering speaks volumes to her about your sincerity.




That is amazing...truly, gives me goosebumps.

Does your wife post here?

mopey,

I will try to continue to post, to seek help and maybe someday give it. I intend to follow thru with my wife for the rest of my life. I hope to make our relationship better than ever. I will never take her for granted.

Thanks for the advice. I think I am going to start a list of helpful ideas and put it where I will see it everyday. Looks like I have a lot of reading to do and some good therapy sessions ahead. It's good to hear counciling has helped, others I have known have NOT been helped.

and YES, I screwed up and I NEED to fix it.

thanks again.

smmb,

She will be posting.

Good. She will find the support here that she needs.

LTH....

I just want to reiterate the fact that the triggers will be the hardest part as SMB pointed out. How you handle those will be critical. I too am glad you are sensitive to this. And I hope you are very patient. She'll trigger for a few years with them getting less and less in between but always treat them as if it all happended yesterday, because like SMB said, when the triggers hit, it feels like it all happended yesterday.

I'm so glad she brought that up.

Mopey & SMB,

Thanks, it sounds like patience and love will be the best response to those moments. No matter how testing they may seem to me, it pales in comparison to what she has been thru.

I'm sorry, that may have sounded self centered. Anything she needs to be reasssured, I will respond whole heartedly. Thanks again!

It is so good that you understand this. In fact, you probably don't even realize yet just how much this is true.

I must have missed anything you said as being self-centered in the last few post. In fact, if you are sincere in what you say, I see you as not being self centered.

Please just remember to give her lots of time to heal and be loving and patient as you said. You've definitely got the right idea.

LTH:

First, welcome to MB. You can learn an awful lot about what went wrong in your Marriage here, and correct it.

You have done many of the proper first steps.

Reading and learning, and then, revealing what went on during that time with your W.

Sure, it would have been better if it all came out at once, and you were honest from the beginning.

But you didn't. And you can only really start to recover when you DO keep it honest going forward.

As an architec and your W employed, you probably have plenty of cash in the household.

Schedule the NEXT MB Weekend. Fly to Orlando next weekend. The Harleys WILL schedule more, if this timeline is too tight.

YOU make all the arrangements. Sitters for the kids. Plane tickets, the reservations at the hotel, and registering for the MB weekend. Help her clear her schedule for that weekend. Stay a day before, or after, to get back in touch.

Why do I recommend this?

It could cost you over $3,000. The MB Weekend itself is only about $1k. The hotel, flight and meals is the rest (and you CAN control this part of the cost).

Because after my 4.5 LTA was discovered, When I took care of all this, it proved to my W that I did change, That I DID put our marriage first. After years of peeing all over it.

That was 29 months ago. Our marriage has gone places that I would have never expected it to be. Becasue of the weekend, and the info we learned there and in reading the books.

The money spent on the MB weekend was the greatest investment that I have EVER made. House values, stocks, etc? Mean NOTHING compared to that.

Everything else in our marriage that comes, flows from the MB weekend.

Heres the link>> Curtains

LG

Hey LTH,

I'm sad your here and glad your here.

I truly hope you are "willing to do anything" beacause only then can you begin to restore your marriage. Whether or not I beleive your sincerity is meaningless compared to what your BS beleives on a daily basis. She will only beleive and begin to trust by seeing true change and action on your part.