So everyone agrees that I should expose his affair to another Colonel or General? Will that make me a good or bad person? He is an explosive expert. What if he gets mad at me for exposing him?

In a few weeks, there is a big ceremony to give him and his soldiers awards - the Governor will be there. There is a seat for the commander's wife and a part of the ceremony is to thank her. I told him that I am not going to the event. That I am sure will make everyone wonder. All of the wives will question. I am sure everyone will think it is ME that had the affair. The military is good at making the spouse look bad. If I cry out, does it matter? It will look like the wounded spouse out for revenge. The war has made him cold and a snake. Even tonight as I was feeding the children dinner, he told me he has a lecture to go tomorrow night. Another lie I am sure. I have lost all trust in this man. How could I have been so stupid. I just want him out of my life - I deserve better.

She, to my understanding, is not in the military. She lives 20 minutes from our home. They "met" before he left for Iraq. He says he did not fool around with her until he came back for leave and now that he is home. I am now going for tests to see if I have HIV - my legal council advised me that I should check and be safe. I cant believe he has done this to his wife and his children. How selfish!

You can tell I am mad, and this anger will go away in time. But paryed and I waited for his return and I thought our lives would be so wonderful when he came back. He cried last night when I told him that we could have had it all if he was looking to love me when he came home. This woman has stolen his heart, there is nothing I can do. He wants to be with her. I know in time their "passion" will die and he will realize that our 14 year marriage was worth working on. But not today. For the safety of my children and myself - I think I should just move on.

But God can do anything and everything!!

He WILL get mad! Unless he is mentally ill, you can EXPECT him to get VERY MAD.

Who is this OW? How old, is she married? What does she do?


Sally, it is certainly your right and option to just dump him and move on. Only you know what you can and can't endure. But, what would it hurt if you went the motions of trying to save the marriage, ie: exposure, etc, and LEFT YOUR OPTIONS OPEN in case you change your mind? You can always back out at any time.

The thing is, you are angry and destroyed today, but you won't be in the future. Your marriage CAN survive from this. There are no guarantees, but if you do your level best to disrupt his affair and execute plan A and B, there is always hope.

Why not leave your options open and see what transpires when the affair is exposed?

He11 yes there is something you can do. She won't look so attractive when the lights are turned on in the crack house. Its no fun to get high when everyone is watching.

Sally...I'm in the military...

and I have a few questions for you...

Have you talked to an attorney?

What state are you in?

I know there are a few states that still have laws on the books concerning divorce and adultery... PA.. NC...TX..just to name a few...

Do you want to save your marriage?

Have you done anything to Protect yourself financially...

How long have you been married?...

How long has he been in the military?

How long have you been married to him while he was in the military?

Let me tell you somthing I would never tell my wayward spouse... and somthing you're husband may not be aware of...

Unless you signed a pre-nup it doesn't matter... the day you got your dependent I.D. card you were entitled to some of his retirement pay... its up to the state courts to decide how much...if any...And if you're in a state that has adultery laws... they could take that into consideration when it comes to division of marital assets...

The threat of getting half his retirement, half of his thrift savings plan, (401K for federal employees) and half of everything else may bring him to his senses...

Just something to think about...

Talk to the chaplin....

my wife and I were in base housing and having problems... they made me move out for three weeks made us go to counseling...

It's not hopeless... there's tons of resourses on base... use them...Chaplin... family service center...

If you need counseling for yourself... look up military one source on the internet... they'll get you set up ASAP... I called got a counseling session for myself the next day...

http://www.militaryonesource.com/skins/MOS/home.aspx

1-800-342-9647

One more thing...

BREATH... I was pissed, scared, hurt... and just plain mad as ****** when my wife said she was leaving...

I talked to several attorneys... but I didn't file...

Don't make a descision based on emotion that you may regret later...

You're in the right place... There's lots of support and experience here... I wish I would have found this place BEFORE my wife moved out... It may not have made a difference but you're ahead of the game...

Hi thanks for responding. To answer some of the questions - He has been in the National Guard for 20+ years. He understands I get half the assets and penions. That does not matter to him. I have contacted MilitaryOneSource and they gave me 6 free therapy sessions. I appreciate it, but I will tell you, the Army should be doing a lot more for deployed families than what they are doing. I live in a no fault state so adultry does not matter. He is very much aware of this and is happy about it. He is in this "love affair" state with this woman right now and no matter how much I tell him I love him - he still wants to be with her. I have filed and I am moving forward with the divorce at full force. I will not allow him to use me anymore. I can not allow him to see her, use my money to do it, then come home as a perfect daddy to tuck the kids in at night.

I will do everything in my power to have him change his mind. I put the Basic Concepts on his bed last night to read. But I am going to move forward so this does not last forever. I will expose it as suggested. I think that is the best thing to do. Thanks. Any other advice?

When you say he will get mad - do I need to worry or take cover now?

((((Sally))))

When was your DDay? Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? I suggest you get that promtly (like today).

And as far as him getting mad...take cover now...lol
Seriously, he will get mad, he will say things like you won't believe, he will declare that he is through with you, but he won't mean any of it. It is what we call around here "fogspeak". If you do a search on threads, you will find some about all of this.

Now, I do want you to know that rushing out and getting a D, will not make the pain go away any faster. I know it is hard dealing with this with him there and if I had a magic pill or potion to make it easier for you I would give it to you. I am not saying you are wrong in filing, I just want you to know all of your options.

I hear your pain and anguish in your posts...really I do. This is so hard for you and I will be praying for you. Do you have any friends or family close by that can help support you?? This is also a good place to come and rant and rave and vent all you want...We all know what it is like...

Keep reading and get that book ASAP...and go do something for yourself...pedicure/massage/whatever it is you like


((((Sally))))

not2fun

Sally,
I'm pretty new here... But I've learned alot in a week...I know it hurts... But slow down... read... learn...

You can't educate him... and one of the things that will drive him away from you is if you keep telling him you love him.

read this...especially the first two pages....ARK's light house on the second page and ARK's musings.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/fav...amp;postmarker=

Sally,

Before you do anything else... You need to ask yourself..."Do I want to save my marriage?"

If the answer is yes... then fileing for divorce is moving in the wrong direction...Just my opinion...

Even if he says he wants a divorce... and files...and goes through all the steps...it's not too late...There's hope...

Pepperband was telling me about another military man here...Mortorman... went throught the entire divorce process exept the final hearing... and guess what... His wife changed her mind...they reconciled and are now in recovery...but it didn't just happen...Mortorman worked a very good plan with alot of help...

One other thing... He's in the National Guard... Are you in a remote location?... I.E. You're in a small town and there's no military base close to you? If so then those resources that I talked about are going to be a little more difficult for you to access... But not impossible...

Yes, but he isn't the Army Chief of Staff, everyone in the military has someone who is their immediate supervisor. Sally needs to go see that person! As the Commander's wife, she knows who that is.

She doesn't do this out of vindictivness, she tells this person that she wants to save her marriage and needs their help in ending the affair.

My bet is that she'll get some serious help without her WH's career being harmed much.

Who