Clear identity. Let me think about that first. I'll get to boundaries in another post.

I think I know who I am. I do not, or ever thought I have, lived my life through my husband. But he does affect me.

As I was mentioning earlier, I honestly pretty much lived a separate life from my H all of this time. Before these last few d-days, I was a wife to a stranger, a mom to 2 wonderful kids, a student who loved school (not the homework) had my own friends (mostly from school) and that was me. My identity, or parts of it.

Now I am still the same person but, I'm a wife who is finally getting to know who her husband is, freaked out about some of that, a mom to two wonderful kids who are hurting and confused too, a student who is struggling in school (I believe I may be clinically depressed and I made my first c last semester <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ) and I pretty much don't see all the friends I had in school because I graduated and entered a new university right when all of this happened. I have met some great people in school but I've been on such a roller coaster that I haven't wanted to let anyone new in right now. I don't think I can be a good friend to anyone right now.

That is part of my identity. I have many other layers but I don't see how they are entwined or enmeshed with my husband's identity.

If I am missing the picture here, anyone, please point it out to me.

would love to stick around for a drink... but it's late over here on the east coast and i have to get up early to take kids to school and go to work. ick!

i used to bartend... besides sex on the beach, we had sex on the pool table...YUM!!!

SS....how ya doing!

Don't you hate it when those responsibilities get in the way!



Are you saying you DID this or are these drinks!....lol.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JK....I know that sex on the beach is a drink but never heard of sex on the pool table. Is that what yall did after you had the sex on the beaches? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Oh and Loboy....I'll re-read what you and Windstopped said about me and I'll see if it is truiz. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I think I might be turning in for the night soon myself. That wine is making me sleepy cuz Loboy had to go and make me think! JK Loboy....tis is the reason I started this thread, finally.......

I don't think from what I know that you are enmeshed. I just think you guys have to figure out how to communicate better, that's all. You said you have a new counselor who is really good, and if you both really open your hearts to each other and embrace the M, you will be able to move forward.

Maybe they could start with a couple of duck farts, move on to sex on the pool table (no pool table... no problem throw a green blanket on the kitchen table), then finish off with sex on the beach. Might not help comunication, but they'll have a good buzz going.

Sorry, just got back...was on the phone for a while.

Wasn't trying to make you think too much...it's just when I see some similarities with some of the things that happened with HHW and me then I jump in. And one of the things that always bothered me about the mother's day fiasco, was that I think the whole thing would have been averted had HHW actually ASKED me what was going through my mind in the car on mother's day instead of assuming/perceiving that I was angry....crisis averted!

When you posted that you were withdrawing cause YOU didn't THINK he felt enough remorse, my twisted mind thought that it seemed similar to my old situation. Yes, actions speak louder than words, but sometimes people freeze like a deer in the headlights when confronted with a painful or potentially 'dangerous' situation...like WindStopped knows he was the source of your pain...he might feel tremendous remorse, sorrow, and guilt, but just freeze bc he's the source of the pain. Maybe you should re-read Al Turtle's article on the Lizard Brain.

I think this is the article: Al Turtle - The Lizard Brain

Hope this helps! Now back to your wine...LOL

LoBoy

I stepped away from the computer for a few minutes to put up the white flag. I felt bad for hurting him while I was in withdrawal.

I told him I felt bad and I didn't want to hurt him like that.

He had a MC appt today, alone, with the new counselor. He told me a little bit about it but I don't feel I can share it here unless he wants to. It's kinda IC/MC. She's working with us both separately and I think we're suppose to get together for MC with her after she individually exercises both of our demons......lol....

Anywayz....I will be discussing my stuff here. Cuz yall are free. Just kidding. You guys are great.

LaLa....I think we are both trying really hard to open our hearts. Problem is, like you said I think, is that our communication sucks. And a host of a bunch of other problems as well. I'll try to stick to one at a time here though as not to get ahead of myself. I feel really screwed up and need to sort it out. Ya feel me?

Lol.....who'd need communication with all that going on? Certaintly not me! I could feel it in his touch. Woot!

No doubt...and I feel ya sista! You'll be OK. We just need to keep you out of your protective shell, ya know? You are too awesome to be in there by yourself!!!!!!!!

Although I can understand...whew!

Yes Loboy. I know I cannot know what he is thinking. To do so would be a DJ, and yes, I have been guilty of that. And why? Mainly because he leaves me guessing even after I ask. Sometimes I'll get a "I don't know", or "I'm at a loss for words".

And even worse, in the past he would appease me. He has admitted to that. And because he has lied to me about so much, I don't even know if he would tell me the truth about his true feelings. How do I handle that? I look for actions.

I'm still thinking. Switched to diet soda. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

The protective shell is a defense mechanism. I plan to talk to my shrink (easier to spell than counselor) about it. I have gotten to where I cannot wait to see her!

Thanks LaLa, you and the rest of the dorks, aussies, and 1/2 yankees helped to pull me out of my shell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And we shall KEEP you out, dangit! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Going to bed, talk atcha later!

This makes me laugh and cry at the same time!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Sorry Mrs. W. We know you have probably repented and you have been forgiven. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

O.k., I don't want this to turn into some kinda whiney thread for me but today, I just feel like crapola.

I think my pain and fears and withdrawal and the whole mess is taking it's toll on me. I feel physically ill with pain everywhere. Please just shoot me now.....

Whining over.

Hey guys, thanks for dropping over last night. The laughs really helped.

Coming back in a few to dicuss what Loboy said.

OK, and I'm going to bump up and post to my thread. As I told 14, I am pretty depressed today for several reasons...sounds like something out of a book or movie...

"We laughed, we cried..."

I just wanted to bring this up again. I think this is one part of the communication puzzle that we have problems with. I know it would be damaging to guess what he is thinking. So I have to rely on him to share it with me. I will try the "how do you feel about that" and see if it helps. But it also hurts me that he won't just openly share whatever it is he is feeling. I have always had to drag and pull stuff out of him. Or, I am left in the dark.

I also realize that I have an underlying fear that I will not get the truth. He has appeased me in the past, he admits this. He said he would say anything to not have to discuss topics further. He basically shuts me down with this.


Windstopped tells me often that even he doesn't know what he is feeling, so there is nothing there for me to go on. This shuts me down as well. And he doesn't think about it and then come back to me. It is just forgotten usually, unless I bring it up again. That feel like nagging to me and prying and I hate it.


He has lied to me constantly for years and I don't know what all he will lie to me about. I have often FELT like he has lied to me about his feelings, as much as past behaviors.

It is extremely frustrating to find out how someone feels if they won't talk about it because they say they don't know themselves.

I am always left guessing, or not trusting and this is not good.

We found ourselves still on the rollercoaster when we got up......

Headed to your thread.

Mopey - do you KNOW that windstopped has been completely honest with you?

No. No I don't.

As far as the 3 main questions on the polygraph he failed one of them. He failed the question of "did you have any more internet affairs other than the two with Ho #1 and Ho #2". The person who did the polygraph thinks his mind MAY have been searching for the answer. His response on that question was close to one of the control questions and so it was inclusive.

He was caught in two lies after the polygraph.

I do not know how much he is honest with feelings or anything other than the two questions he passed on the polygraph test.