You know Mojo, this whole "false recovery" thing scares me to death. I honestly just cannot fathom him inflicting any more pain on me with more infidelity. I've heard of many false recoveries but I don't think our trouble is more women, oh God, I hope not.

But I have had a problem with him dragging his feet on certain things and I don't care how you look at it, it "causes a spouse to be unhappy". I have been told over and over again that I need to not have any expectations. And I'm thinking that I should have at least some.

If I settle, I'll be sacraficing someone said, and that's not good for a marriage. But I've also been told I have to give it time and not expect stuff when I expect it. I just don't know how to balance that. I'm not waiting around another 6 months for some of the things I asked for either I don't think. Actions speak to me and inaction will tell me a lot.

My trouble has been that I let his lack of whatever effect me to the point of losing my temper and saying harse things. I have been focusing on my pain and letting everything else be put on the back burner almost. I've just be "getting by" and I need to focus more on other areas of my life so that I am not consumed by him.

At this point I haven't figured out what is healthy for me to expect from him and what isn't. I don't want to be demanding but I don't want to be sacraficing either.

I'm really glad things turned around for you Mojo.

Hi Mopey,

I'm checking in on how you are doing. I like the pie chart advice you got. Have you done it yet?

Update....

I have not drawn the pie chart yet, but I know the "family" and "career" pieces of the pie are pretty small.

So, today I talked with my daughter, whom I have a strained relationship with, and talked to her and also am making plans to get with her this week to do dinner. That's good. I'm going to try to make weekly dates with her. I want to ask her and my son how much time they think they need with me and see if we can come to a mutual agreement on that.

My human resources mgmt professor told a us last week that the project mgmt field was a great field to go into now, and it's always something that I've been interested in. So I asked her about it after class that day and she suggested I google some info on it. Well, I didn't do much about it after that. I was focused on other things.

Well today, when she walked in she came over to me and handed me a pamplet that tells all about a project mgmt center right here at our school. They have many classes I could take to help me with this. I am stoked. Nudge from God? Not sure.

I just called our counseling office at the university and set up an appt for a degree evaluation and career counseling in this area. Boy, I sure hope some of these classes will apply towards my degree. I'm pretty sure I can use some of them for electives.

And lastly, I e-mailed Windstopped and told him I wanted to forget about the no contact. I also asked him if he would prefer to have no contact for himself.

I also apologized for all the times he felt I punished him, and for all the times I did.

I feel like I need contact if I'm to see where this is going.

I do know I have to be careful with my heart so I hope I can do this and balance expectations vs sacrafice.

I've been in this exact same place before when he left me during an affair in early 2005 and I had gotten to a peaceful point before he came back. All the work I did on myself (it wasn't much though) went out the window and we still struggled. We didn't have MB then either.

At this point, I don't know he wants to stick it out with me either.

Thanks for all of the support friends.

I'm hanging in there Skinsgal. I've been going through the motions with my stomach in knots and feeling the growing pains. But other than that, hey, I'm great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for asking. I'll check your thread later. I see MiMi got onto you in your thread....heh heh heh....that stinking thinking will get you in trouble every time, won't it? I totally understand though.

Another update.....

Windstopped just sent me the sweeeeeeetest e-mails. He had been saving up e-mails for transparency and openess of his feelings and saving them for when or if I broke "no contact". That is the sweetest thing he could have done for me today.

Oh, and he said he "DEFINITELY" wanted contact. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is why I want to try.

That and not taking care of myself will be my undoing.

I'm glad you are doing ok.

How did he react to what you have said and done with respect to contact?

Skinsgal, he was awesome. He respected the "no contact" even though part of me desperately wanted him to break it....lol.....But I'm grateful he did respect my wishes.

I just updated above about what he did during no contact and it was the sweetest, most thoughtful, no contact scenario I could think of.

I would love to post his e-mails because they were so wonderful and heartfelt. And I felt it that time. And I felt it due in part to what Princess Meggy had told me. Thanks PM!

One last thing in case I didn't make myself clear.....We are still separated. I just wanted to get rid of "no contact".

No reason for you to be in no contact Mopey. The issue is WHAT are you doing while separated? Because if you don't deal with your anger and do some anger management then being separated won't help either of you at all.

I really hope you will BOTH learn how to be together without AO's and DJ's and violence.

Please share. I said a bunch this weekend and I'd like to know what helped.

Hey BK. 2x4 well received.

I only asked for no contact because I didn't want to be upset if he didn't try to comfort me while gone. I've changed that.



This is why we are separated. So we don't lose our love for each other until we can get the anger stuff resolved. I've already told my IC/MC that I need to work on the anger stuff. I will ask her when I go this week if she knows of more I can work on outside her office.

And BK, if I promise to be good, will you please stop being so serious with me all the time now so I can laugh at you...err, I mean with you again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

oh yeah Mopey - for sure! I want you guys to make it and I will be happy to see this a fun thread again....

Yay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Princess Meggy.....




Well, your whole story actually is what helped me but these in particular........














I could envision myself "lettingitgo" (which would bring me peace) and just sitting back and being grateful for the times when out of the blue Windstopped does something awesome.

That's great Mopey, I'm glad I could help. It makes what I went through have some purpose. I have high hopes for you and hubby.

PM.....lol.....I was picturing you where I am now, then you giving up "having it your way". I actually pictured you laid out on a couch in front of a cozy fireplace soaking in the loving gestures that came your way from your H. You know the ones, the UNEXPECTED ones.....lol.....

I just related so much to your story, like you did mine. That was cool. Thanks. Now you see? You may have just shaved 6 months off me being a suffering ba$[censored] because you've been there and warned me.

I know other people have tried to tell me the same thing but sometimes it just doesn't sink in until you hear it a certain way at a certain time. KWIM?

Can't thank you enough.

I'm glad that you are ending the no contact and I definately want to echo what's been said before: seek anger management courses as soon as you can.

Personally I think the 'keeping the child safe' thing his therapist is doing is a bunch of crap.

I'm much more solution oriented-- I'm not huge into the WHY (because honestly, is any answer ever good enough?) but I'm very into the HOW can things change from this point on.

I look at my FWH (well, when he is home LOL) and its like dealing with a multiple personality. The man who was never faithful uur entire first 11 years doesn't even exist now. The man I'm with now is someone I'm proud of, and I'm getting so very close to allowing myself more vulnerability.

I know if (or when) he betrays me again, ITS NOT ABOUT ME, and was NEVER ABOUT ME.

You honestly need to accept that none of this is caused or about you. Its a major character flaw in Windstopped that allowed his choices. He has to work on that as well as the anger.

I live with my FWH thinking, "How would I like to be treated?" and I mirror those thoughts in my behavior. My home is a sanctuary. You can make yours one, too.

AMEN

Couldn't agree more. As I said on his thread - drop that sucker on his head!!

Hi again MD!




This is one area where I pray I don't fail.

My husband has always wanted a house with peace. So do I, and I hope we can get there.

I'm hearing ya about the FOO stuff. And don't worry, my IC/MC is also his IC/MC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



I know it was his previous character flaws and other things that let this happen, but it is so hard to not feel good enough when it does happen. I think over the past year I have been getting a better handle on that, but I still need to hear it often. Thanks for saying it.



I can see this happening with Windstopped. And I'm thrilled for you.

I really appreciate the encouragement and the honesty. I can take the hard stuff now I think.

I'm trying to be good BK. You're not helping....lol.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />