Hi LH4E.....

Was your H still invoved with his affair though during that "recovery"? I don't think my H has been involved with anyone since d-day 9/06 but who the he!! knows for sure, right?

What were the certain things LH4E? And how do you feel about those things now?

And thanks for the encouragemnt.

No he was not and i know for a fact he wasn't... things didn't start back up again until after xmas when she made contact with him from what i have gathered from intel network. But he was only half hearted here and he admits that. he then started to pick fights with me on purpose he has now said cause he felt angry and guilty about himself.

But who knows he says he misses US and wants to come see US but right now i am doing fine without him so i don't know if i even want that right now....... i dunno

I hope things get better for ya tho i will keep watching on here

And I don't get this! My husband also agrees that he hasn't done what he could do. He even admitted on his thread that he has been "reluctant".

Now why is that? I really need to know the answer to this one. From him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So, are they putting their pain before ours? Will his selfish needs ALWAYS come before mine?

no i know what you mean...... the answer i get is that he tried for so long for me to get help and to make me happy and make the marriage work... yada yada.... and now he just doesn't have it in him.... that he has to work on himself first before he could work on us.... all the while he is now in a seven month relationship with the OW... YUCK. He spends more time with her and her son than he does with me and his daughter... sickens me

Oh LH....I'm so sorry. What do you plan to do?

Well, I'm sorry that he is working only on his selfish needs cuz he's with OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

My husband has basically said this same thing to me. He said he needs to be a better person before he can be a better husband. I agree. But, what about the marriage in the meantime?

I suppose I would need the patience of a strong person and sit back and "watch him grow"?

Not sure..... today he told me that he missed me and DD that he wants to come see the both of us...... i don't know what to believe any more.... but now he says he is too sick to come and is going back to his friends house..... who knows.... OW probaly wasn't happy he wanted to come here.... i am ok with it he said he was sorry. I said ok talk to you later and that was the conversation we had.

i am just taking it one day at a time right now.... all i can do

LH4E....do you have a plan?

Are you in plan A? If so, are you going to plan B soon?

Mopey, I've been reading your thread today and gf, I gotta tell you. I recognize myself in you when FWH and I were in the first couple of years of recovery. It wasn't pretty.

All these "feelings" and "expectations" would rise up in me. I would frequently "set myself up" for a fall by overthinking even the least little actions. And boy when I felt like he wasn't "really sorry" for all he did to me, my "entitlement" rose up and reared it's ugly head.

My FWH would also quietly say, "I understand." He would also say that he had to fix him before he could think about fixing us. That made me furious! What about me?!?! What about what you did to me?!?! All the lies?!?! Why aren't you bending over backwards to kiss my a$$? (This was all going on in my mind so a really minor thing would bubble over big time for no "apparent" reason.) I almost ruined my hopes of recovery by getting stuck in this cycle.

There has to come a point where you wash the slate clean and focus on TODAY only. What could he POSSIBLY do or say when you confront him with your hurts? He says he understands, but not with enough feelings you say. How do you know? Maybe he's afraid to be truthful with you because he's afraid of the volcanic eruption that might happen.

I remember having these conversations in my head and the whole time thinking, "What are you doing PM? What do you expect him to do?" I didn't know. I just knew I wanted the pain HE CAUSED to go away and HE was the ONLY person that could fix it. It wasn't until I realized that I was HANGING ON TIGHT to my hurt. I deserved it. He was NOT going to forget it if I had anything to do with it.

It wasn't until I came around and told myself, enough. Do I want this marriage or do I want to FORCE recovery MY WAY? I had to step back and start taking my own inventory. I finally got it and began to apologize to HIM for my craziness. I was gentle. He was gentle. We cautiously began the walk back towards each other. The PAST became off limits except in controlled and safe discussions.

Mopey, I feel your pain. I really do. I relate so much. But I don't believe running away is the answer. I think running to is.

Lol Princess Meggy!


That's me for sho! And shouldn't they be kissing our a$$es? I know I would get over this in a hurry if he was "doing everything he could'.

So, I have to settle to stay married?

After you decided it wasn't going to happen your way.....lol....did he finally give you what you needed or you just decided that you really didn't need it? I can't feel that coming to me anytime soon.

It was pretty amazing actually. The longer into recovery, the more reality hit him where before he just had an inkling of the damage he'd caused. Yes, he finally gave me what I needed. Here's some of the things he's done (and is doing) since recovery:

1. About a month ago he left me little post it notes all over our condo in hidden places. I opened the kitchen cabinet, they were there. I went into the guest bathroom, there was one on the mirror. I opened the fridge, there was one on the milk. I opened my closet, there was one hanging on a sleeve of a dress. There had to have been at least 30 of them and I'm still finding them.

2. He instigates cuddles and is affectionate. This was a man who NEVER would do that before.

3. He TELLS other people about the damage he caused and how much he hurt me. He's in Bible school now studying for the ministry and the opportunity has come up several times to share his story to small groups and individuals.

4. He is careful to consider my feelings in every small thing (except the da*m remote!) LOL

5. He calls me up just to say hi.

6. He cleans up the kitchen every night (this is the most undomesticated man I know, never happened before in 25 years of marriage).

There's lots more. We have a whole different marriage now. We still have our moments, but they are pretty benign and boring moments now (like him changing the channel in the middle of American IDOL - the nerve!!).

The big issues? They don't become big anymore. We won't let them. We nip things in the bud and discuss immediately.

How long did that take you PM?




Tons of reassuring words backed up by actions?



I have a BIG problem with this one. I am soooooo sick of hearing people say that "he doesn't feel safe". I think it's bullchit. He has been a conflict avoider his entire life and it doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, "he doesn't feel safe". My MC/IC told me she thinks he uses this as an excuse to listen to my pain. And btw, so far, my H thinks highly of her. Hmmmmmm..





But I don't want to hang onto the hurt. I just wanted him to "step up" and meet my recovery needs so I could let go of the hurt faster. My last d-day was 5 months ago. I want to be done with this crap asap. I feel like his "reluctance" and lying is why recovery is taking so long.




Boy, you got me there. I wonder if that will be me in a few months? I'd be willing to bet my H isn't holding his breath for that one. How long did THAT take PM?

I just got back on to post...been dealing with my boys...my ODS is pretty sick. He's been dealing with a cough all week and the the fever hit him tonight like a freight train. The little one is coughing now, too..

Anyways, I read through all the posts since mine. What PM just said is almost exactly what I was going to say, only coming from a BS, not a WS, has to mean a little more I should think! The only thing is, Dr. Harley (from what I have read) would recommend a separation in this case because mopey and windstopped are stuck in this destructive pattern and have been for quite some time. That is why I said this time, the separation has to be a time where peace can be restored individually, and then they can come back together as a couple- minus the battle ground setting. They can look forward to being together in a date-like setting for now, and focus on the things that they like about each other during their dates. Living together every day with all that anger and resentment bubbling under the surface is not helping AT ALL. And it isn't healthy. I presume it is why (PM) your tag line says "shoulda been the MB way." If you had been exposed to the MB principles, you would have recognized right away that hanging on to all that anger was counter-productive to recovery. (We did it, too, BTW, so I am certainly not judging ANYONE here...you ladies DO deserve everything you need from your WHs to recover).

It is also why Dr. Harley suggests "Just Compensation." Because what your BH's and I have done is horrible, and anyone would react the way you have...

I hope I am making sense, here- because I am still learning, too!

So, PM, he gave you love in HIS way. My H was doing that too. Except I felt there were things he didn't take my feelings into consideration for...

How long PM? How long did it take for you to not want him to do it your way? Do you feel like you've settled? Or what?

Yes you make sense LaLa.

I am soooo sorry the kids are getting sick. That sucks too.

I have to go eat dinner, before I starve to death, and later would love to discuss "just compensation". Oh wait, what's the point right? It has to be his way for now.

I'm stubborn aren't I.



What did yall do LaLa? Hmmmmmm? Misery luvs company you know. PM & LH4E just made me feel like I am not alone in this pain land.

I want to say that it took me until about a year to a year and 1/2 ago (that was almost two years into recovery. I was getting sick of tearing down what little we managed to build. It's like I would be okay for a week or two and then WHAM, I'd be right back where I started (usually because I experienced a trigger and he didn't even know it!) Of course I had to SHARE my trigger and all that RAGE that came back with it.




But you said yourself you don't believe him. What SPECIFIC actions? That's what used to get me stuck. I knew I wanted that too and I WANTED IT NOW but I couldn't SPECIFICALLY say what that was. My husband in his understandable frustration would say, "What EXACTLY do you need me to do?" I'd go down the list... love me... listen to me... make me feel better... I was asking the impossible. What I really wanted was for it to all have never happened. So SPECIFICALLY what could he do for you? In a normal routine marriage kind of way? You can't have romance all the time... life gets in the way. You CAN have commitment where the THREAT of walking away is never voiced.




LOL, my FWH is a BIG CA as well. He's gotten better because he's figured out that in the long run he's gonna have to deal with it. But it's not bullchit. Have you ever told him this? I want you to feel safe. I want to feel safe. How can we make that happen?




Five months ago is not that long ago. You are WAY early into recovery. It's going to take a LONG time. Baby steps every day.




That happened as the same time I mentioned above. I KNEW I was destroying our recovery by my own actions now. Only time would heal at that point. He had done the work on his personal recovery, I was still living in my pain. I really guess you could say I was verbally beating him over the head with everything that happened at every opportunity. It didn't take much to get me going down that path. I had to finally force myself to "not go there" at times and wait things out. Sometimes those "feelings" and things that "just needed to be said" didn't need to be express after all.

What surprised me is that eventually we did get the things that needed to be said... said. But it was later, in a calmer, quieter and loving environment.

That's awesome PM. Unfortunately, I couldn't appreciate much of what Windstopped did because I wuz resentful. Still am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm killin me.

And there ya have it. In a nutshell. Do you want true recovery or do you want to be resentful (that's what I call hanging on to your hurt)? As Reba's son-in-law would say in one word... "letitgo".