I feel like if I have to heal alone, I might as well BE alone.

He says I'm too negative. I guess I shouldn't have told him about my hurt feelings and just told him that everything will be fine honey. Take your time.

He gave me access to his e-mial some time ago. During our separation I found an e-mail from some woman he said was spam. Could definitely be. The title of the e-mail was "I love thee" or something like that. I clicked on it. He seemed understanding about it the other night. Was worried that I may have put a virus on my computer. I mentioned that the effects of his actions go far and wide. So, essentially I blamed him for that.

Tonight, he called me an IDIOT for clicking on the email.

And the hurtful comment that he made to me yesterday? He said that "even if he told me the truth about sleeping with, and trying to sleep with other women, that I would have probably married him anyway". He slept with two women and tried to sleep with more while we were in a committed relationship before the marriage.

He apologized but I wonder if he really thinks that low of me.

All of this has caused me hurt. I expressed it. I did tell him that I was on the fence with him and he really didn't deserve another chance with me. But he sees me as being too negative, not meeting his needs, and he doesn't see a good future for us.

Then he logged off and went to bed. He logged off shortly after he sent me (finally) a list of all the women he flirted with at work, had EA/PAs with and then he logged off.

Wasn't that thoughtful?

He broke it down into categories...

Flirts 18 (he's sure there's more. That's was only the ones from work)

Innapropriate relationships 5

EA/PAs 6 but he left out the girl he tried to kiss at a party 2 wks before we married so that makes 7 in all.

I thanked him for the list.

He never told me about some of the "flirts" even though I've asked him this before. He never told me about the one where he is employed now. I don't know how hard they flirted or when that went on.

That list was one of my recovery needs that I asked for a long time ago that he dragged his feet on. So NOW he gives it to me and HE feels almost? done.

If he told me about the girl at his present job I don't remember. I think I would remember that for sure.

Ok, I'm coming from the vantage point of a 'recovered' BS married to a former serial adulterer-- with children.

Run. Run. Run.

This is a DESTRUCTIVE relationship and you are dealing with a selfish child. His actions and his words are telling you all you need to know.

Some may disagree with me, but that's how I see it.

I don't feel he sees it that way. He sees it as me being the complaining, selfish, child I think.

I mean after all, I'm too negative, I had expressed hurt and anger over not meeting my needs for recovery CONSTANTLY he says.

He was upset that I didn't give him enough encoragment about our future as well.

How did you get recovered Mojo? Was your husband different or were you?

Actually I remembered your story about your last d-day but I don't know how your recovery went after the last d-day.

*edited

Even though I told him I didn't think he deserved another chance, I did tell him I believed in miracles and that I needed him to fight for me until I could get through this.

I guess all he can see is the negative. I was hurt and not too hopeful last night when he made that mean comment to me.

Give me a few minutes to think about this, k! I just got caught up...

Hi LaLa. I don't feel so good. I think I need to go to bed and pray I can sleep.

I did things over the weekend to help with not focusing on him. I was trying to concentrate on my "pie". But I did email and speak to Windstopped a few times over the weekend.

I hung out with my kids on Friday evening and I ran errands on Friday, and did some house cleaning Saturday as well as visit with my daughter for a about an hour yesterday. I didn't get a much as I wanted to though yesterday because I felt really upset after what he said to me. It kind of deflated me.

I will also be focusing on getting a job as well. I was suppose to be in school full time this past year but all this happened my first semester of the year and have only been going to school part time.

Of course I cook, clean, shop, etc as well.

{{{{{{Mopey}}}}}}}

My heart is there with you and holding you tight with love. I can imagine how hard this is for you and admire your strength and willingness to do what you need. That will help you heal and go far.

What were you going to school for?

ok Mopey - I DO think he needs to fight for you and stop being such a wussy boy.

I am so sorry about where you guys are. I actually agree that he is pushing your buttons with that email. If he wanted a D, he would have come out and said so. He doesn't, just likes to get a reaction out of you.

The comment about you would have married him even if you had known about the cheating is f'd up. Your bullchit detector is on high frequency and you need to trust your instincts here. Even if we are ALL wrong and he is really trying and feels nothing he does is good enough or WHATEVER, the perptual state of pain is not good for you. You need to heal, and these painful jabs only seem to get worse. He is still saying some pretty YUCKY things, mopers.

You know what this is all about! You are reading it on several threads right now. Do what you need to do to heal. I want you to be happy again!

I wish BK would just quit beating around the bush and say how he really feels...sheesh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

you're killing me here LaLa.

HAHAHA...GET IT...BEATING AROUND THE BUSH...FROM THE OUTBACK...HAHAHA... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OK, It's 2:30 a.m. and I am going to go to bed now before I hurt myself!

I hope you feel better mopey!