I know it won't be easy AT FIRST, but you will be surprised at how much better you all feel after about 3 weeks in Plan B. For right now, just focus on a) getting her out, b) doing the best plan A you can.

I would suggest Plan B about 2 weeks after she is out for the reasons I gave earlier. Here is a Plan B letter that I think is very effective. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

FPF, what does she need a couple of beds for? She doesn't think she is taking the kids, does she?

Well the kids will sleep with her at times. My house will always be primary residence, but she would like for the kids to spend nights with her occasionally. Is this a bad idea? I have made it clear the kids can not be around OM

ok, I gotcha. That sounds good!

thanks for the link to the Plan B letter ML.

I have come up with a first draft, just trying to plan ahead.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Dear "WW",

I remember when we first met and discovered all the things we had in common. All the silly little coincidences that seemed like it was fate that we met. I loved you early on in our courtship and my love for you has never faded. I love you as much today as I did the day we got married.

It is my deepest hope that one day we can find a way to reconcile. I made a commitment to this marriage years ago and that commitment remains as strong as ever. Even today writing this letter, my intention is to save my marriage and family.

I am truly sorry for my responsibility in what has happened to our friendship and marriage. I regret that I didn’t open my eyes to our problems earlier and make the changes I needed to make to give us a chance to grow together, rather than apart. I have since learned so much about what really makes a relationship work, and I continue to learn more and grow in my personal life. I took our marriage for granted for a long time, I settled into life and raising the kids and didn’t take the time or effort to continue our relationship. I am sorry for that and can only say that I would never take it for granted again. I was far too independent coming into the marriage and I brought that into our relationship. My actions didn’t always take you or your feelings into account and that was a big mistake. So many lessons have been learned and given another chance I would work everyday to build a stronger love and respect between the two of us.

Now for the hard part. I must ask you that from this point forward we cease all contact. It is simply too hard for me to continue seeing, or communicating with you while you continue in your relationship with "OM". It is beginning to destroy the good feelings I have for you, and that is something I want to guard against. In the event of an emergency, or if there is important information about the kids or finances that must be passed on I ask that you tell this to "SIL" and she will relay it on to me. If "SIL" is unavailable you can get a hold of "Pastor". Both of these people have nothing but the best of intentions for not only you and I but for our children as well. Please respect my wishes in this regard, it is something I feel is important to safeguard myself and my feelings towards you.

If at some point in the future you completely end your relationship with "OM" and want to heal some of the pain that is between us I will be willing to talk. But this must be on the condition that there is absolutely no more contact with "OM" whatsoever. Only then will I be willing to talk about any reconciliation in our marriage or in our friendship.

I love you with all my heart "WW". I have for a long time now and will for the rest of my life if given that chance. I know that God has a great future planned for me and I pray that it will be with you.

Your loving husband,
"BS"

That is a good letter, but I would remove this: "All the silly little coincidences that seemed like it was fate that we met. I loved you early on in our courtship and my love for you has never faded. I love you as much today as I did the day we got married."

The goal of the letter is to convey the fact that her affair is so painful to you that it threatens to ERODE THE LOVE you feel for her. So, you don't want to assure her that you love her just the same while she is abusing you.

I would also work out a STRICT visitation schedule and get your finances settled BEFORE you do this, eliminating any potential cause for contact.

Thanks again Mel, I have made some changes to the Plan B letter and have it in waiting.

It's now been two weeks since WW talked about moving out and she still hasn't found a place yet. I don't even think she is working very hard at it. I'm not sure what to think at this point.

I have been thinking about exposure recently. The affair has already been exposed, but now that the OM is getting a new job I am wondering if I should expose to his new employer as well. This is a man who continues to try and destroy my marriage and the family of my two innocent children. I would really like to expose to his new employer, his friends and everyone else I can think of. Is this in line with MB. I know exposure is one of the principles. but what about re-exposing? I'd just love to tell everyone in his life that this man continues to try and destroy my family.

Last night WW's cell phone was laying on the bathroom sink while I was brushing my teeth. He called while I was standing there. WW was down stairs so she didn't answer, but I wanted to very badly and lay into this guy. Should I have done that? I have this strong desire to make this guys life miserable, is that so wrong?

FPF, it is a good idea to make his life miserable, but do you think he would even care? Also, if you do talk to him it wouldn't help the situation if you lit into him.

I would find a way to get her out of there. Encourage her to move and if she won't, contact an attorney and get her moved.

I would not expose him at his new job unless it is a workplace affair or he is a pastor. I think you have been putting up with this abuse for so long that you are gtting very, very angry, which is understandable. Plan B time!

I'm not really that angry, just have my moments is all. I agree about talking to him and exposing to his new work. There's just a small part that wants to, but I keep it in check.

WW was in contact today with the landlord of the condo she has been looking to rent. She hasn't mentioned it to me yet. This past Friday night I asked her about it and if she had a backup plan or any sort of time frame. So I have been gently encouraging her to move out.

Our finances have been set for quite a while now, and we will work out the kid situation, probably much the same as before when she had moved out.

My biggest thing right now is I don't want my kids anywhere around the OM, but not sure what I can do legally to take care of that. Any suggestions?

Yes, after she gets moved out, get her agreement that the children will never ever be exposed to the OM. If she won't agree to this, get a legal separation agreement that states this.

First post -
How about getting an RO on the guy?

The OM obviously abusive enough that the cops had to come to your house to make sure you all were safe once. There is a record of abuse in that relationship and no child(ren) need to be involved.

You need to make sure all visitation happens at your residence.

Mel, would the WW have to agree to the clause in the sereration agreement. I had her sign something a few months back agreeing that OM would never be allowed around the children. It was not a legal document, just something my lawyer had suggested to kind of see where she was emotionally at the time.

Thanks for the suggestions rwinger, I briefly looked into an "order of protection"(that's what it's called in my county/state) on the OM. But I think since his abuse has been towards WW she would have to be the one to file for it. I might need to revisit it a bit more in depth.

I have been told that the OM got the police records erased of the night they came to my house and the night his ex had to call the police on him. I haven't checked into whether this is true or not and will probably need to.

For the 8 months WW moved out last time, all visitation was done at my house. This time WW wants kids to be able to stay with her during visitation. I won't have a problem with that if I can make sure OM isn't there as well. The last time WW spent a little time staying with family and friends and then moved in with OM. This time she is getting her own place so that she can have the kids come stay with her. If I push for visitation at my house that will start a battle between us. Also will make the dark plan B very tough.

I guess what I really need is to set up an appointment with my lawyer and see what my options are in all of this. Open to any more suggestions before that happens though.

I would put a similar agreement in place again.


I agree. As long as you have assurances that the kids won't be exposed to the OM, I would do it this way. But the second they are exposed to him, I would be talking to a judge about a "violent OM" and checking out RO's.

I wonder if its true that the incident was purged from his record?

I would love to, but does the WW has to agree to this? What if she won't agree to it? What are my options?


The last time I talked to the lawyer was just after my wife had moved back in. At that time he said it would be very tough for "me" to get a RO against the OM. Since all of his abuse was against my WW she would have to be the one getting the RO. The lawyer said a RO is an action against the OM and I really didn't have enough to get that done on my own. He said it would be much easier to put a clause in divorce agreement dictating that OM was not allowed around the children, because it's not an action against the OM but just a clause in WW and mine settlement. But WW would have to go along with this. At the time the lawyer said if WW didn't go along with it a judge could look at police record of the night they got called and question WW judgement and possibly limit her to supervised visitation. But since then I have been told the police records have been destroyed which brings me to.


I also wonder, though have some reason to believe it is true. First because I had a friend who did a search online and found nothing about the police records, and second because OM is so confident that I couldn't get the clause in the settlement. If it is true that the records have been erased this is just another example of why the system is so screwed up.

FPF, I will leave the details to you, but I would not let her take the kids around the OM unless court ordered. You should do what you have to do to make that happen.

I agree, and will be doing so. thanks

WW told me last night that she is all set up for the condo she has been looking at. She can get the keys at any time. But says she is "freaking out". She is worried how it will affect the kids. We went on to talk just a little bit more, she talks about feeling like she needs to take this time away so that if/when she does come back she won't regret it. She is afraid to "suck it up" and committ to working on the M and then years down the road wishing she had taken the time to really figure things out. She acknowledges that she likes having me around to help with the kids and such. She expresses that her biggest struggle is whether staying because of the fear of what the children will go through is enough, or whether she should take the time to herself so that she can be sure of what she wants. This is all stuff she said.

I told her as long as she continued to have conversations with OM then she couldn't stay, and that I only wanted her here if she was willing to committ to working on the marriage.

At that point she said to let her think and that she had to make a decision.

She knows that staying means breaking off all contact and that being with OM means a battle over letting the kids around him.

There are people telling her she needs to be on her own to be able to think about these things clearly. There are those who say she has never been alone and needs to experience it. Personally I think, she's 37 years old, married with two young kids why does she need to be alone? And I doubt whether she would be alone anyway.

I hate the advice WW get from friends who have no idea what all the real dynamics are.

I have no problem with her moving out if she continues conversations with OM. I have my plan B letter ready and am prepared to go dark, but these other people are telling her to live alone for the wrong reasons I believe.

Just some venting today!

I was reading another thread and Mel mentioned how she quit replying because the BS their wasn't taking any of the advice given. Hope that's not happening here. I am trying to take all the advice given me.

I asked about the NC letter and got some good feedback, then around that same time WW started talking about moving out and I knew what her response would be to the NC letter so I shifted strategies.

I guess the thing I'm questioning now is how long do I wait for WW to make a decision on moving out. I think Plan B is a good idea, but I have been hoping that it would be her decision to move out so I could not be viewed as the villian in any way. Now I know I'm not the villian, but I also don't want to give her any reason to think I am. When I go Plan B I would like for it to be a scenario where I can say to her, "I am honoring your choice here, I wish you hadn't chosen this, but since you have I am honoring it and therefore removing myself from your life... blah blah blah".

Is this right or wrong? I don't want to do any LB'ing in the short time we have before she moves out. I want to be kind of Plan A'ing so she'll have good memories once I go dark. But I'm starting to wonder if I should continue waiting for her to decide on her own or force her hand.

PLEASE do not feel like you have to take all of our advice. YOU DO NOT. There might be a factor that we don't know about and you might have a better idea. My issue is only with people who REFUSE to ever take action and ignore all advice all the time. I can't help folks like that and prefer to spend my time with folks who really do want help.


Agree with your shift in strategy. It would make no sense to ask her under these circumstances.


I don't know where that line in the sand should fall, but I agree with your strategy. It would be ideal if she moved out on her own.

If she does not move out soon, I would suggest approaching her and asking her to move out because her continued contact with OM is just too painful for you. If that does not work, then you may have to contact your attorney.

FPF, you have real good instincts about this, so I would just continue to play it by ear.

Thanks for the reply Mel. I will continue to play it by ear. I guess I'll know when I need to cross that line in the sand.

It helps to hear from someone else that I don't need to push right away just for the sake of it. I totally buy into the MB concepts, but figure every circumstance is slightly different. As long as I can hold up and wait so that it's WW decision then I think that is the best strategy.