My wife and I will be married one year this weekend. Unfortunatley our marriage seems to failing before my eyes.

My wife had a challenging family upbringing (absent father, alcoholism, etc.) and as a result is somewhat emotionally unaviailable and does have some intimacy issues. I knew this about her from the beginning but fell in love anyway as we still had a great relationship from the start. There was romance, and while the intimacy was always a challenge for her I assumed I could earn this trust eventually. Our Sex Life before marriage was normal but not overly often/frantic.

Leading up to the wedding things were kind of tense as can be expected (less, romance/sex, some arguments) but I attributed this to the wedding stress. The 1st few months we had some major blowups, mostly having to do with getting adjusted to living with eachother. I readily admit I had to change some selfish habits on my part in order to keep the marriage equitable (i did make these changes). Immediatly after marriage sex dropped to once every 3 weeks.

One important point is that my wife does not like to resolve issues and always shuts down even when we are having a civil argument, so no resolution is possible. We did fine for 6 months or so but I noticed that I was beginning to worry way too much about her mood/making her mad, etc. She can be very critical daily about things, even after I work very hard not to make her mad.

She seems to have become periodically very depressed, and in this state there is nothing I can do right or to make her happy. I am generally fairly happy day-to-day, and being confronted with her horrible moods 70-80% of the time is draining on my soul and changing my own positive outlook.

When she is in a mood all she says is "i am tired", "i have a headache", "i'm trying to watch this tv show", etc, but I can feel complete disdain from her when I try to talk to her or cheer her up.

Last week she was in a terrible mood and when I questioned this she began to blame this on me-- tedious things that I can honestly say didn't make a lot of sense. These are things that I genuinely feel like she is using to blame me only because she is in denial that it is coming from her own general disposition/depression. We have sex maybe once a month.

I have told her that I am not blaming her for her moods, but I can't ignore them. I told her that if her mood is becuase she just doesn't love me anymore or I annoy her she needs to tell because this is important.

I am very confused. I definitely love her, although i'm beginning to wonder if she loves me back. I want this to work and would be open to any type of counseling, but she is adamant that she will not participate (i tried to get her to go before the marriage too).

This is the 1st point that I have considered separating, not because I want this but because I feel that I am out of options. Mayby once I leave she will realize this is worth working for?

One thing I cannot do is accept a loveless marriage. I feel I have a right to be happy and just want her to be in this with me.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated; thanks.

I know I am not the one to be taking advice from, but my marriage has been a lot like yours. It started off great, then I began to get depressed and emotional, my husband put up with it for a very long time, then he told me he wanted a divorce, he couldnt put up with it anymore. I had a lot of the same symptoms of your wife, and I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Go online and get some of the bipolar quizes and have her take one or just have her read some information on it. Like I said if you look at my posts, i know I'm not the one to take advice from, but just look into this, and remember if she is going through this, she needs you now more than ever to help her through this. Just hang in there. Stay strong, and if you truly love her, dont give up

Thanks for the input Distraught. I have no problem taking advice from someone who has been through something similar.

I am very confident she is bipolar; her sister is the same way. As i posted before her childhood was very unstable and her mother passed about 1.5 yrs before we met. She was profoundly depressed: took a leave of absence from work, went into therapy, began antidepressants. Eventually she came out of it (this was all before we met)and seems to have dealt with the grieving process, but combined with her childhood the bipolar diagnosis is very likely. Her moods are good for a week to a month, and then i can almost watch her transition over a 2-3 day period into depression. Anger, resentment, frustration, and total lack of any intimacy come right along with it.

Unfortunately she will never accept this or go to another counselor on my recommendation. She is just WAY too stubborn. I would prefer that she comes to this conclusion on her own, but we'll have to see how bad it gets. I may have to say something if she doesn't realize it.

My fear right now is that she is my best friend and I do not want to let her down. She already has abandonment issues and the last thing I want to do is leave her and make it worse- this is not what marriage is about.

However, i'm scared that if I continue to be the brunt of her moodiness and lashing out, I could eventually get to a point where I feel i have to leave for my own well-being.

Hope this makes sense.

It makes complete sense. Thats the point my marriage is at, my husband took it as long as he could, now he wants to get a divorce. And it is hard. I'm not saying to stay there and be miserable, please dont think that, but if she is going through all this she needs you more now than ever. If she can get through this and get on the right medications, she will be so thankful for you being there for her and supporting her. But please dont think i am telling you to stay and be miserable. But it does sound like you said that she is bipolar. I have went through everything you listed here in your second post. I just wish my husband was like you (he has been very patient though for a long time) and understood the illness and knows that people like me and your wife cant be held responsible for things we have done, a lot of times we dont realize we are doing things. Just stay strong. And just remember that when she says mean or hurtful things to you, more than likely she doesnt even realize she's doing it, and thats not the real her.

chris5674,

Don't rule out the possibility of this being a medical problem. Doctors are horrible at diagnosis and often tell women they are depressed when really they are just tired from an infection or other illness. Your wife said she was "tired" rather than "I'm sad" or "I'm feeling depressed" - that might mean something. I was on anti-depressants on and off for over 10 years because doctors kept telling me I was depressed. Turns out I had Lyme disease. Of course, being sick repeatedly over months and years can MAKE a person depressed, but treating the depression alone without also treating the underlying infection is not enough. The antidepressants eventually stop working because all they're doing is treating the symptom and not the cause.

Ask her questions about her fatigue - does it happen at certain times of the day? Is she tired after taking a shower? Does she have any physical complaints like muscle pain? Does she have neurological symptoms like inability to concentrate or forgetfulness? Get her to a general physician with a list of all her complaints. Ideally, if she'll let you, you should go with her and make sure they order some tests before just writing out a prescription.

It's not just Lyme that can get confused for depression, either. Thyroid problems, diabetes, parasitic infections, arthritis, food allergies - just about any chronic illness can look like a mood disorder. (And if the doctor says she has chronic fatigue or fibro myalgia, remember those describe SYMPTOMS - not causes.) The upside is that maybe she'd be more willing to see a physician than a shrink? Good luck.