So on the way to drop off hubby at the Nashville airport, my husband remembered he had my oldest son's card in his wallet. He told me to get it out. At that point, I had realized he'd been home for ten days straight and NOT ONCE did it even occur to me to check and go through his wallet or belongings. I was sooooo proud of myself and US.

This ended up triggering a memory of finding a 'Make a Bear Factory' card in his wallet waaaaaay back in 2000 before we seperated that year (for a month I think it was). On the business card was a woman's work phone (normal),and her cell and home phone (so not normal). My husband managed three restaurants in Opry Mills Mall and her store was next to the food court. He blew it off saying he didn't know why she did that. I was suspicious but also in major denial mode, deep in my (as yet undiagnosed) depression at the time, and hiding in an online game. I was still reeling from the two girls he had 'been friends' with the year before in another state. I had no car of my own, hadn't been able to finish my education do to the move to Tennessee, and no job prospects and two kids. Add the depression and you get the perfect betrayed wife... one who tries to pretend its not happening because to deal with it is paralyzing.

Anyhoo.... just as I trigger on that, guess what we pass on the way to the airport? Yep, Opry MIlls mall. And I can't stand not to ask, so I did. "Hubby, when we were seperated here did you date anyone?"

He looks at me and pauses and in a sincerely incredulous voice, "I haven't thought about that at all in years!"

"All that? You mean that bear factory woman."

"How do you remember all this stuff? God, I didn't even remember it! Just stuffed all that away."

"All that? What's all that?"

He looks at me real quick and right back at the road. "Just all that stuff."

I sigh. "You dated her, didn't you."

He grimaces. "Yeah, I think we went out to eat a couple times."

"Did you make out with her?"

I can see that he doesn't want to answer, and even I know the timing is horrible, but he surprises me by answering anyway. "I think there might have been a few kisses"

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No. Absolutely not." (As if I actually believe this... not that it matters anyway....)

My heart is just aching. It feels like a great pressure on my rib cage and I'm just so terribly sad. I think a moment and I burst out, "You were an ******!"

He literally flinches back and tries to look at me and the road. "Whoah!"

I realize I spoke quickly and he thinks I just called him an ****** now...so I repeat, "No you WERE an ******!"

"Oh.... ok, because I was like..damn, that's harsh!"

"God, you were such a jerk!" And I'm shaking my head and I'm screaming inside..

"Yes, I know, I was very selfish. But I'm not anymore! I don't do that anymore! Now you are getting yourself all upset right before I leave!"

I just look at him and I tell the truth. "I'm not upset. I'm hurt. Just hurt."

We're almost the airport. He's saying that it happened a long, long time ago (*snort*) and I look at him and said, "How would YOU feel if I told you today that I actually did makeout with a man I met while I went away to college? You know, while you were doing all your mess in Guam?"

I could see it in his face, he actually thinks I'm about to confess something. "Ok, yeah... I'd be hurt, too."

IWe're silent for a bit and I finally respond. "I never made out with or pursued another man. Just so you know."

He laughs nervously. "Ok, because for a second, I was a little worried there." And we both laugh.

Still... I dropped him off, we kissed goodbye several times, told each other "I love you." I even called him 'baby.' BUt when I drove off I was so very sad. And I did cry a little on the way home. Because it really clicked that today was a delayed D-day and for 11 years in our marriage of 15, he was not once faithful to me. And I hate and loathe and despise the man he was.... but love who he has become. I want very much to strike out at the one who hurt me but I can't. Again, I feel sad and powerless.

While he was dating this woman I lived with my domineering parents, had NO money, no car and was looking at places in the local slums to live with my two kids. He was having fun, feeling great and sexy. I felt worthless and lonely.

Its sad when a part of you wishes you had had some 'fun' too and evened the score. That isn't who I am. But I am so hurt right now, if I could go back in time I'd kick his [censored] myself.

There are more than a dozen faceless women attached to my marriage. That's not an exaggeration.

It makes me feel pathetic and worthless and inferior. It makes me wonder why I stay.

Then I see my new baby, read the short emails he sends occasionally, try to remind myself that he tries to call us EVERY SINGLE DAY just to talk to me.

I have to believe it was worth it.

But it hurts. It still hurts.

mojodiva

I understand your pain. I was in denial about the state of my marriage for about the last 10 years. He only had OW the last 3, but I have been asking him about things he did or said before that and have found out he was lying, and it hurts.

For example, on our 25th anniversary he gave me a golf windbreaker with "P**** and A*** 25 years complete - Together Forever", embroidered on the sleeve. He had one made for himself as well. Tonight I asked him if he really meant it and he said "No". My heart just sank. He did qualify it later, by saying that because things weren't good between us, our future was uncertain and he just had that put on the shirts for our families' sake (they were at the party).

So much of what he has said and done up until 2 months ago was based on lies and I hurt so bad thinking about them.

(((Mojo)))

Wow Mojo. I can see why you would be hurt. It is another d-day. It wasn't right of him to keep that from you. That was lying by omission. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm so sorry.

I'm glad he's no longer cheating, but the lie is a betrayal all by itself.

{{{{mojo}}}}}

I know how you feel.

Its the lies that get me the most. I remember being made to feel silly when my suspicions were aroused. It angers me to know just how very manipulative a WS really is. And then I get angry at myself for falling for it. I'm sitting here recalling all the long work hours and now knowing that he was out dancing and cavorting.

There is so much more to know about. I know this. I feel it. I'm just questioning whether its worth getting it all out there or just continue accepting that I can't change the past and just need to leave it alone.

I just wish he'd call so we could talk tonight, even if its just him checking in on me. I just need to hear his voice. I worry he won't call until tomorrow when he arrives in Cuba.

Thanks so much bigkahuna. I really really did need that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree, it was feeling betrayed all over again, even if I 'knew' somthing was up. I think I wanted to believe he really was working his butt off during our seperation and now I know he was getting his kicks too.

And I can't even rail against him or freak out on him because I am NOT married to that loathesome creature. My husband is a new man...but apparantly still has his secrets.

Part of me wants it all out and the other wonders if it would really help.

I'm thinking a good sit down with him when we get to our next duty station this summer is in order.

Honestly, I need him to call and just let me hear him tell me he will do what it takes to protect this marriage until he dies. I'm freakin' owed that!

Oh my gosh, I'm losing my mind. Searching for the former OWs names on google, myspace, and facebook.

WHAT THE HECK. dumb mojo!

Ok, yeah it bothers me that I do not know what any of them look like. Not one.

Need him to call and calm me down, lol.

You know Mojo. I don't know what is best here. Personally, for me, I'd want to know the truth about everything so there are no more d-days later down the road. Maybe a timeline will help.

I guess you just need to get really honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can live happily and not caring if there is more to know.

This really sucks.

I don't know what is best, either. Its very frustrating. I'm sure its just as frustrating for him. He's been pretty much fabulous since true recovery started in January 2004. I know it has to suck to have your horrible choices dragged out again and again.

Thanks for letting me vent. It really actually helped.

Well, you may not know what they look like but you know they were hos if they knew he was married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

His habit was telling them he was seperated (and the kicker was that he had custody of our children). The first OW I ever knew about I spoke to on the phone and she had no clue he was married. He'd told her he'd bring papers showing he was divorced. That poor girl cried so hard that I apologized to her for his behavior.
I had just had our daughter and his affair went on during my pregnancy. he chose a girl who lived in another state and he was able to visit her by telling me he was visiting his mother. During this time he was also making trips to Vegas with 'buddies' from base. It makes me sick to think of what he got up to there. He 'lost' his wedding ring then as well.

Grrr..what a snake he was.

During this time and through the first 14 years of our marriage I weighed between 175-240 pounds. Let's just say I still have self-confidence issues and an inferiority complex when it comes to these faceless OWs.

I have a bad feeling he isn't going to call tonight. *sigh*

I totally feel ya on the self-esteem stuff. I trigger bad when I think about one of my H's ow. I don't know what she looks like other than supposedly she looks like "Gidget" and has a cute a$$. I do not have a cute or nice a$$ imo. I hate that! I wish he never would have told me that! I did not ask for that info and I thought he was callous for telling me. He KNEW I had an inferiority complex in that area. Grrrr....

Anyway, let's just picture what they look like ourselves......demonic eyes, ooozing zits, and straggly hair.....lol.....

But, he loves you. He's with you. I hope you can feel that.

Why don't you call him? And if he doesn't call you tonight, that will upset me since you just had a d-day.

My husband is currently serving in Guantanamo Bay. He's in transit back to the island and unavailable. He might have gotten in too late and didn't want to bother me. Or he's upset I brought the subject up at all. When he gets back to Gitmo, still can't call as I do not have his new room's phone number nor does he have internet access in his room and I don't have his work phone either-- he's in a specially restricted part of the prison camp. We're very proud that he's part of their extremely high security top task force. All of our phone calls are monitered,which is very weird to know. SO Im careful about what we talk about.

Oh, bummer. When will he get back?

And I bet you are proud of him for that.

Sounds like you need to zip on over to the goddess thread and read and post there.

Your husband is doing a very needed job for our country. There are sacrifices involved, and especially for the family. That is not going to change until he is out of there. The timing was unfortunate. You needed to talk. But all of this is very fixable.

He gets back to the states on May 3rd. We are meeting each other in Omaha for three days of an 'adult vacation.' No kids, just us, a motel room, the Zoo, the Joselyn Art Museum and a trip to my university. Then we meet our kids in San Antonio (staying with my parents).

We ar supposed to have orders to Japan, but he heard before he left they may rescind those and keep him another year. *GRRR*

Yes, its fixable. And our marriage isnt going to end over it. I'm figuring he isn't calling tonight, so I'm going to head to bed and try to think good thoughts.