I texted him what M. at the salon said. He said, "Well I have opinions," whatever that means. I texted back that I have been neglecting myself, appearance, home, business, family, sleep, etc. and that I need a week to take care of myself. To get back on my feet. Then we can talk. So by next Thursday -- I want to have something in writing.

In the meantime, I am going to take care of myself.

I'll still perform some of my duties as a wife -- and probably give him the two hours a night recommended -- and still avoid LBs. But for his selfish demands? He can take care of them.

As I stated earlier, I am tired of the sleepless nights. Lack of sleep is deeply impacting my life, health, earnings, social life, etc. Mystery cell phone numbers? Fed up.

He does come home every night, but he can take time off work when he wants. He makes it clear he can do what he wants. If I ask him to do something, his frequent response is, "I tell you; you don't tell me."

I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown today. Crying in front of the stylist. She understood; pretty much same thing with her ex. She even gave me a hug. That's a lot more than I get from my husband lately.

I'm sorry. You deserve better than that. Tell him so. Find a way to make him stew, without LBing. Make him sweat for a change. If it were my H, I'd be finding every person he comes in contact with, and just 'dropping by' for a visit, to see what THEY think he is - married, dating, etc. - and then let them know your side of it. There's nothing wrong with making new friends, is there? And then let him know about all the new wonderful friends you've been making.

I'm glad you found out. Sorry for you, but glad. I've always told people don't you dare NOT tell me if my bf or H is cheating on me; I don't want people thinking, 'oh that poor CP, she's so oblivious.'

I sent another text message (right after the one above) by accident. It was in my draft box, "If you are playing single let me know. Just be honest. I haven't been happy since the warm months then k".

It was an incomplete message, but fortunately had ex-lovers initial.

Because I sent it by accident, I didn't know I'd sent it until after he'd gone to bed.

It suprised me that he was being warm to me. It surprised me that he didn't come home and accuse me, attacking me for being jealous as is the norm for him. It surprised me that he was humble and loving. We didn't actually say much, but what we did say was civil and warm.

However, I may be in plan B. I have not gone completely dark, but I have gone dim. I'm making plans that don't include him. Normally this would be the LB of independent behavior, but I will invite him. I just know some of the things I'm planning are things he'd never be interested in. (Health expo. library, etc.)

He made a SD last night, nothing to do with my duties as a wife, so I politely said no. I need to be clear with him that this is part of what I mean by a week off. It's hard to be clear on this, but what I mean is that I need to be the top priority in my life this week. Usually it is DH or DS6. But this week it must be me.

I also mean the criticisms and pressure. Criticism of how I do every little thing. Pressure to do things I'm not in the mood to do. In other words, I mean that he should not try to control me this week.

I need to think long, hard and clearly about whether or not this relationship is worth the investment I am making.

Step B: Get some sleep. Work on sleep hygiene. No more than one hour variance for my normal bedtime and wake time. No more staying up late with DH on his days off. A person with normal health would have the freedom to do so. I don't. I realize this may net even less sex for me as he'll probably play with himself to porn, but c'est la vie, my health is suffering.

My first step was to try sleeping in various places in the house. Did not work. Second step, try a sleep aid. I woke at 10:30pm. Third step, take second sleep aid. It worked. I slept till 6am.

Step C: Work on my beauty. Got a haircut yesterday; color it today. I'm developing a really big gray streak! Due to DH no doubt. Manicure/pedicure. Locate my foot cream.

When DH is over his cold, I will be getting a back rub.

Step D: Get back to work on business. After a month and a half off, it's going to take some gearing up to get back in gear.

Step E: Get back to the 2 hours a day housework. Because of my health, I will have to increment it. 1 hour today, more tomorrow. (This time it's for me; I want to be semi-packed just in case.)

Step E: Excercise. This weekend. Start a routine, post a calendar for tracking. Buy a pretty winter-style workout outfit. For DHs attractive spouse needs, get one of those 8 minute bun-boosting DVDs.

Does anyone have a clue into my DH's motivation behind being kind to me after those texts. Is this good or bad?

Some things for my letter.

"No contact with ex-wife -- ever. If you need to know of funerals, etc., she needs to be instructed to contact me via MY email address or MY cell phone. If she attempts to call, text, email -- your number/address must be changed."

"No contact with ex-lover -- ever. If she needs to contact you regarding work, she can call or text ME first. Calls must be on speakerphone in front of me if you need to speak to her regarding business. The content regarding her personal dilemnas must stop." I do trust that because she was so overweight and an "exit" affair for him that they are not physically involved (he got ripped up in the gossip mill at work; she was a slut.) But it's no good for him to 'keep her around as back-up' the way he did his ex-wife.

"Contact with {female friends} T. and J. is fine with me -- as long as the messages are saved and NOT lovey-dovey romantic. If the conversations/messages become lovey-dovey romantic, I will expect NC." On 2/17, he sent a lovey-dovey, "Memories pressed between the pages of..." to his 'friend' T.

"When we run into someone you know, INTRODUCE ME as your wife." He is so rude! We run into a lot of people that he knows. He treats me like I'm invisible.

"When we are in a parking lot, WAIT FOR ME. Let me hold your arm or hand for balance and protection."

"When we come to a door, open the door, then WAIT FOR ME to go first." How many times have I been slammed with a door now? Too many to count.

"Help me make friends. Join me in recreational activities that will help us meet decent-quality couples." Here I need to make a few suggestions?

"ALL text messages must be saved. Counts must match those online when I do random checks."

"HELP ME stay faithful." Here I struggle. When he denies me as a wife (similar to the bible story, huh?) and acts single, I get sorely tempted to just start dating -- find a man sympathetic to how I'm being treated. One willing to be with me and, yes, even kiss me. I need to be clear in what I'm saying to DH here, and so far, I'm not even clear in my own heart.

"When I buy your wedding band, wear it ALL times except for at work. Even in the house -- to show me you are proud to be my husband." He claims he can't wear jewelry at work, but plenty of the guys were bands. He claims it would get banged up, but he only drives a hi-lo. However, I'll give him the benefit of doubt on that time frame. There aren't many females in the factory, and those that are their -- rumor has it -- are masculine/overweight.

That's the beginning. I think what I might do is fill out the EN questionnaire and attach it to the letter, along with a blank copy for him to fill out. I might put a post-it note at the top that says, "Be cool, not cruel," because of some of the horror stories I'm reading here about spouses attacking spouses with these forms, exaggerating everything just to cause pain.

Even though I got some sleep at last, I'm still very tired. Will need a nap soon. The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is definitely in a flair. Pain from Fibromyalgia is fortunately only at medium. It's still cold outside.

It all sounds very good to me. He was being civil because he was caught. You might add a line for marriage counseling, or at least some sort of counseling to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to appear single? Obviously, he's getting some need filled by seeing if women will come on to him, even if he has no plans. But given his past, I don't trust that not to escalate. It's like putting a line in front of a coke addict.

Not sure I like the cool, not cruel thing. I guess it would be better to just say it.

Good work!

Yesterday morning, he was being super-sweet. Stopping me for big hugs and kisses, etc. This is the husband any woman would want, right?

But I know it's just a matter of time.

His friend called. His wife kicked him out again. Whenever one of his friends wives/girlfriends does something bad, suddenly I'm treated bad.

Happened again. No kisses. No hugs or anything after that. Cold shoulder.

His other friend came over. I was napping but not. He goes, "Let's split," and took off with his friend. That's how he is -- in particular with friends where he must prove he is macho, macho man (DJ!)

So I got up. Left to clean the car, turn in my wedding ring (a diamond fell out! Is that an omen?

Sent him a text that it's not just one thing bothering me (I over heard him telling his friend about the hair salon/chatterbox story.) That it's lots of things that tell me [he wants to be single.] That if there is something positive inside him, I only see it one or two days at a time.

And that I want steady love.

So he was cold to me last night. Then wanted sex??? And is cold right now, his day off, taking a bath alone (we bathe together) and getting ready to go somewhere but won't tell me. I guess that's his retaliation for me going dim, huh?

But actually -- sadly -- it's not that unusual for him. Any time he is the tiniest bit ticked off about anything, I get the bad treatment. That is what wears me down.

I just hope he doesn't take the car because I wanted to go to that health expo today. Hey, urge to check text messages was gone yesterday! That is a good thing. Didn't even care who he called -- except when he called that one friend, who impacts both of us in terms of business/money -- I DID want to hear -- but only caught bits and pieces. They were talking about women anyway. My DH said something about marrying me for the financial reason, but I didn't hear enough to make a judgement. He also said I didn't trust him. It would help if my DH worked at being trustworthy! He thinks coming straight home from work a good thing, and it is, but it doesn't prove he loves me or wants me. It proves that after a twelve hour shift, he is exhausted.

That is something to add, but I don't know how to word it.

"When a friend's wife or girlfriend does something bad to them, I do not deserve to be punished for it." But that is not a specific instruction. I need to figure out how to word it.

I found out a lot of cool, sneaky spy things I can do to discourage those women, but I am trying to restrain myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

It's odd because other than the phone call from K. and the comments at the hair salon, nothing much is happening.

Is it because the financial burden is over? I suspected for some time that he would divorce me once the financial need was over. I once brought it up, would he help me out if he did? He said that was the meanest thing I ever said to him. But ... why in this relationship do I feel like I must be constantly watching my back? I had ONE other relationship like this ... with a man who was constantly trying to cheat (I don't think DH is active like that guy was, but there are similarities,) and it was the most miserable relationship of my life.

In many ways, DH is so much nicer than my abusive ex. I keep thinking I should be happy. But then he starts to get verbally abusive (like in the car the morning of 2/20,) and he reminds me of abusive ex.

It's like relationships from my past are haunting me in this relationship. Unlike prior relationships, where each one was unique. Am I doing something wrong?

But I knew when I committed to week that I could weaken. It sure is nice being cozy with someone. He is reacting to my 'dim' status by withdrawing. I'm not sure -- today -- why I am dim. But maybe it's just for me? Maybe it's time for me to explore this stuff that is making our relationship so volatile, so up and down.

What I told him about not being happy since the warm months was true. We had a time frame where we were very compatible and happy. You know, that was when we were running the roads, shopping for stock! I love nature. I love being outdoors. I think winter is part of this.

He got very depressed/irritable when cold weather hit -- and only recently confessed to me that he was prone to depression in the winter -- and he said everyone knew it but me! Of course, being a woman, I assumed it was because he didn't love me for real.

I do wish he would go to counseling. In spite his being a fan of the show, "In Treatment," I doubt he'd consider it. If I so much as hint at it, I get called psycho. It is a good idea under normal circumstances, but we live in a small, backwards town where therapy is still a stigma <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

As sad as I am that he is being cold, I am excited about my day -- health expo! Library! Shoppping! -- more so than I have been in a long time. He's already agreed to let me have the car this afternoon because he thinks a health expo would be good for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

[Added]

I confess I said one mean thing to DH. He is worried he will get laid off. Then that friend called that he was kicked out. I said, "You two could get a bachelor pad." He looked at me like ??? I said, "If you lose your job and sell your place, you know."

That was pretty mean. I think it was because I knew he was going to treat ME bad after the phone call that I wanted to pre-empt him.

I will avoid those remarks today. It was the only bad thing I did at least.

Normally, under these circumstances, I would be very supportive of DH. But since he's started sneaking outdoors or running the jacuzzi tub so I can't hear his phone calls, I have a lot less empathy. Should I be empathetic?

I'm sure he knows FS is one of my primary needs. Being able to work from home is a big draw -- and a big meeting of my ENs. You see, if I left DH, I would have to work full-time anyway. So he is losing that advantage.

I think this week another focus should be, "Where is my heart?" because I suspect now, my love varies too. When he is good to me -- loving and kind -- I love him; when he is mean to me, criticizint me, putting me down, pressuring me to do stuff I don't want to do -- I can hardly stand him.

He is a good-looking guy, and I can see how it worked for him in his last relationship. But with me, and he probably isn't aware of this, when he is mean to me, he becomes ugly in face.

He sounds like he just thinks like so many unenlightened men, where the traditional roles are that he provides for you, you be grateful for that, and he expects you to nag him but he also expects that he gets to eat cake. He seems to not understand that that is not a realistic expectation. I bet he was fed that by his dad, and LOVED the idea, where the man gets to rule the roost.

Is there any way to discuss that attitude? You might have to get creative, so that he won't think it's just yet another nag, but rather sincere interest in why he thinks differently from you.

Can you just go ahead and take the car, even if it's early, and do some other stuff before the expo? I would. You deserve some time off, anyway.

The other thing I would do, for some reason, is to start keeping a log of the things he says about you. Buy a tiny notebook and keep it on you at all times, and every time he DJs you, write it down. I taught my H to do that to deal with the jerk he is working with, who the owner thinks walks on water. I told him that when he has a good solid record of what this jerk is doing wrong, to present it to the owner, so there's no doubt but that what my H says is true. If you have a notebook full of statements like you described, and then just show it to him, it just might shock him into realizing what you've been going through. It might not, but it's worth a try.

He describes his father (step-father, he never knew his biodad) as completely, 100% selfish.

Per DH's mom, SD was a good provider and strict -- but not cruel or abusive. Though I don't know. DH has a different picture. It is rare for him to speak of his SD fondly.

I think from something he said that he thinks the mere act of coming home after work is enough. That should be anough to assure me of his love and fidelity.

I have spoken to him about selfishness, from both sides, and the nagging that he wants. a) I can't do it and b) when I force myself to, he attacks me.

He would deny trying to present himself as single, saying that just because marriage doesn't come in conversation doesn't mean he doesn't act like he is married. But I beg to differ. In this tiny town, only a handful of co-workers and a smattering of gas station employees know he is married? Or that he even had a girlfriend at all? That has to be intentional concealment. This town is just too small. His factory only has 150 employeees.

I want to discuss a whole laundry list of differences in attitudes, but I need to be beyond a place of being so sensitive that I cry when I attempt to talk to him.

Even this morning, he went back and forth, back and forth, warm/compliments, cold/insults. See-saw. This would be hard on anyone's nerves.

I like the idea of a little notebook. Need one to fit in my pocket. I think I'll have three sections: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. The Good for his rare support and compliments, the Bad for his insults/criticisms/self-demands and the Ugly for his plain ole low blows.

I went to the Health Expo and had a good time. Spoke for a long while with two of the lecturers. Their classes fit right in with my hobbies/self-education. I may have even found a church that might be right for me. I had a good time.

I bought DH a surprise present I'd been planning. Asking myself all the while, am I in Plan B ... or A .. or what? I think this is Plan A and a half.

I stopped at a fast food restaurant for lunch. A handsome young man couldn't keep his eyes off of me; twice started to come over; I smiled invitingly, but I think he lost courage. What was going through my mind? This is a GREAT haircut, already attracting attention. (ZERO notice/compliments from my husband, probably because it's sexy/rocker chick, and I do believe he prefers me to be less attractive.) I didn't think much about the guy. I thought about how my husband plays single; that must mean I am single.

I left wondering, why am I skipping this opportunity. Oh, yeah. I have to be honest. I texted my husband about the man checking me out. I said, "So it's okay for me to have oppositve sex friends as long as I don't sleep with them?"

"Yup."

"And ex-lovers too now that K.'s back in the picture?"

No response.

Hmmmm.... I have an old friend/ex-lover that I have wanted to get back in touch with for years now. Unlike my DH, he was very genuinely supportive of me, not just on a good day. I believe I last saw him on classmates.com, but I was with my ex-fiance, and neither of us entertained OS friends that were not married. (We would do things as couples, but not one-on-one with OS friends.)

I don't know how to behave right now. I'm beat. Didn't have enough energy to go to the library; maybe tomorrow. I just want to take a hot bath and go to bed. Must I still push through with the bare minimum of Plan A, or has DH blown it?

He is as cold as ice. He cannot handle even the smallest doese of his own medicine; never could.

What happened?

He went straight to the tub again just like the prior morning. Usually on his days off he putzes around. Because of the water bill, we bathe together.

But because I was in Plan A.5, I wasn't being careful about bathing with him for the past couple days -- just asking him to save water, vice versa. However, when I posted this to your thread yesterday,

"Does he meet my ENs? No, not usually. I guess that is because I have been in a form of Plan A for a while now. He hasn't read any of the books. My top needs are O&H (he is truthful EXCEPT that he is an avoid trouble liar but he is not very open,) SF (what once was the best in his life is now a woman who is too demanding, too tight and orgasms too many times. I am not permitted to initiate anymore,) Affection (in one area he increased cuddling but hugging/random kisses have all but disappeared. Now cuddling is disappearing too,) Admiration (compliments are rare, insults plentiful,) and Financial Support (he may get laid off.)

I could safely say that my ENs are barely being met if at all. FS for the time being is the only one at a solid ten. My non-top five of RC is kinda being met -- but with a lack of the variety I need."

I thought -- dang -- we need some O&H time during the time we spend together because it's certainly not being met for me at all lately. His life is secret, secret, secret.

He let me in the tub but did so meanly, not moving his legs, etc. (His words often contradict his body language. I have had him say, "I am not angry with you at all. Not one bit," when his body language was that of fury.)

I tried to keep my attitude light. He looked deep in thought. I brought that up. He clammed up. I don't know if I will get this in perfect order of our conversation, but I started talking about MB, how it is a public forum, how he can look and it's not a secret club.

He said coldly, "NOT INTERESTED." This is what he says to me a lot lately; I even made him a homemade coffeecake one day, and before I could even finish my offer to get him a plate, he cut me off with, "NOT INTERESTED." Some days -- many -- he lacks common courtesy.

Then he said, "*I* have actual problems, not problems about [gossip!]"

I said, "I want to hear all about your problems. I want you to be honest with me."

He said a few things about the lay-offs (now, trust me, he is not on the list and has great seniority, so the odds of him being laid off are rather slim, at least in the immediate future) then attacked, "If I get layed off, I'M DIVORICING YOU. That's it. Because you are nothing but a child, and you can't help me with an emergency."

I didn't know exactly what he meant by that; I assumed -- and later found out I was wrong -- that a child meant 100% financially dependent and unable to contribumte (not true; doing next to nothing at all, I bring enough money to cover my personal expenses and cellphones; with a little effort, all the car expenses; and had just finished offering to deposit $100 a month to his account per month towards expenses.) With emergencies? He thinks it's a huge deal that I don't drive on freeways. Um, I do drive on highways and can get to several cities in our area with ease. It is because I cannot get to the BIG city that he worries -- but we live an hour away, why would we have an emergency that involved that city when there's hospital/fire/police so close?

But he is soooo used to USING his ex-wife for every little teensy weensy thing (yes, even after five years apart, this is still his ideal) his ideal of a woman is a woman he can use and abuse. You will see that I am 100% correct on that soon.

Somehow we got back to the gossip. I said it was not just one stupid gossip session that upset me. It was not one single call from his ex-lover that up set me. I said that most of the things that happen on their own are not a that big of a deal, but the fact that everywhere I turn in this town, I hear, "Oh my God, [DH] is married! I can't believe it! When did this happen?"

And he responded, "I got sick of it! Even now when I'm at work, guys come up to me and ask if I'm really married ... then rag on me because I got married so quick. That nobody gets married so quick! etc"

And suddenly it all made sense, do you know what I mean? It doesn't make things 100% perfect, but it all fell into place for me. He was being teased.

I said, "If you had just told me that before, you would have saved me a lot of headache." And heartache.

Another woman would have left him for being honest about divorce. But I know my DH well enough to know he says that a lot -- then takes it back later. So I guess until I see the black and white paper in front of me, I can hold onto a little faith.

We talked a bit more. I asked him to read, "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." He said, "NO!" I said it's two books combined, so it's not like I'm literally asking him to read two books, just one. He said he didn't need it. I gave him some examples of how it's illuminated me. I said it is difficult to know most of your needs and try to meet them -- when I get [pooh] in return. It's wearing me out.

I gave the analogy of an instruction manual. I don't think -- yet -- he will read it, but I hope I am rousing his curiousity.

He wanted to go to the big city to go shopping. That was for me as I mentioned I was running out of my mall body lotions yesterday. If he was super-angry with me he wouldn't want to go. I took the opportunity to tell him how he would be surprised at how easy it is to make me happy.

I explained to him how much it embarrassed me when he took off and left me at the car when we parked. How much it embarrassed me that he would open a door then walk through it first, ahead of me. I said I thought these were points of pride with him, but he said they weren't, that he has been and will keep trying. (So knowing these two little things would make me very happy, he did try and succeed.)

He asked me out of the blue, "Have you [been with thirty men]?"

I said, "No." That is how he asks about sex. A single, weird loaded question out of the blue -- then nothing.

On our way to the big city, we talked some more. I said if you are serious about divorcing me if you are laid off, I need to start pricing apartments in the area, prepare myself, etc." He said, "You're not going to go on about something I said earlier!" See? No apology. No I didn't mean it honey. Just that. I said, if you are 100% serious about what you said, then yes, but if not, I can let it go for now. Are you 100% serious that you will do that? "No. We could move in the basement and rent out the upstairs."

But the subject came up again, I said, "You'd better think about how much I would ask for in a divorce." He said, "You are a liar! You are a liar! You are a liar! You said you would not marry a man for money...." I said, "The way you are acting, I assumed you forgot the $2000 you promised me if you divorced me." "Oh, that."

Then, "I don't care if you rape me anyway! I am so good-looking that I will just [financially] rape a couple of women after you!" To that I said, "That's another reason I don't want to divorce you. To save the world from us. I for one wouldn't let myself fall in love again." He weirds me out. (I wasn't so $$ motivated until he began mistreating me early in our marriage; you get to the point of, what the heck? I should be paid for putting up with him. Talk about stress.)

I have to say from that point forward, we had a great time. Unbelievable right? But that is how we are. He was making LB deposits left and right. I found two great pairs of boots, two nightgowns and some delicious lotion.

Then for a surprise, he took me to one of my favorite restaurants, in fact the most expensive restaurants we go to. LB deposits left and right.

We get home, we are having fun, he takes off his shirt. I said something about how seeing his chest was turning me on. His face immediately gets cloudy and he puts his hand to his head like he has a headache. He is not very proud of chest. Even though I love it, I think he thinks I am lying when I compliment him -- or pressuring him? But that's mind-reading; I really have no idea why he responded that way.

When we went to bed, I asked, "Do you still love me?" He said, "A little." I said, "Well, I still love you a lot, even if you only love me a little." Then he made mad, passionate love to me.

This man is a mystery!

This morning he snuck a cigerette in the basement again, even after our whole big argument how he is damaging my stock. I said, "Since you've lied to me twice about this, I can't trust you. And this time I take it as permission to bring all my stock upstairs."

He said, "Yes." Then made a derogatory remark about my sales -- this specifically was on the list of things I asked him NOT to do this week off.

I said, "I am not your momma. I can't tell you were to smoke. But protect me!"

Another derogatory remark. I said, "I have noticed that when you are angry with me, you try to hurt me." He said, "Whatever." I said, "When I am angry with you, I don't do that stuff." I kissed him good-bye and that was that.

I wish I had been more specific. I was referring to our businesses only. Obviously, when either of us is mad, we sometimes try to hurt each other emotionally. But I NEVER try to hurt his business.

I hope he understood what I meant. One thing I will make more of an effort to do in the future is NOT text him upsetting things at work -- because maybe something I consider little -- could have a big impact on his productivity. I have already avoided major fights via text since Christmas Eve. But now I will try to avoid small issues too.

Normally, the LB deposits he made yesterday would be lost. But he made such a really big effort ... and really was so loving after our talk ... that I am going to record that in the "Good" section of the little notebook I bought yesterday.

At first I was not going to add his best friend (it hurts when he says this) to the NC list. But since he sent another flirt message on 2/17 -- and hid a call to her -- and I discovered they are very clearly flirting (again,) I'm afraid she has to go too.

Bye bye "Best" OS friend, or bye bye wife. At this rate, I'm sure he is trying to pre-empt me in the race to a divorce.

However, still trying to keep my chin up and move forward with my self-improvement list.

Grrr... Told DH he was breaking my rule of deragotory remarks, and he said, "Prove me wrong [about deragotory remarks.]" I want to call him a bad name.

I made it clear NO derogatory remarks at all, or I cannot self-motivate. I told him yesterday his remarks were the same as if he cut off an arm. You'd think he could get it through his head.

He is a criticism sandwich man. (You can never win with him.) "You never..." "You should" "Why aren't you...?" Snicker. Slam.

Me: Don't say that to me. Him: Prove me wrong. (Or the famous, "I'm just being honest.")

Me: Do what needs doing.

Him: Steals credit. Gloats that he motivated me by degrading me. Then: "You woulda done better if you did it my way!" "You shoulda done that last month!" "You coulda done that different!"

The Woulda Shoulda Coulda Criticism Sandwich -- that tastes spoiled lettuce and dirt on stale rye.

I had to smile when I read you bought your notebook. MrCat emailed me a run down of one of his encounters with his coworker from h&ll. I guess I'm supposed to keep track of them for him. But there's nothing wrong with documentation. It helps you stay focused and keeps up with the evidence, so one can't deny it.

I have an instinct that your H is largely run by admiration, as mine is. People's opinion is everything to him. He thinks about it all the time. So I can see how he has come to see your M as an embarrassment, if even one person mentioned getting married so soon. In his mind, now everyone is thinking the same thing, as ridiculous as that sounds. That's what people like that think - everyone is whispering about them behind their back, and it becomes a minor obsession, to try to correct the perception - without being seen to be trying to correct it.

He sounds like he wants to be married to you, but he's got all these warring emotions in his head - image; conflict with old friends; trying to please you but not understanding how, or understanding you; feeling like he's under attack, which really scares guys when it comes from a woman; knowing you want more but afraid he can't deliver...actually I guess most of this comes from his lack of faith in himself, or seems like it to me.

I think the first thing I would do is remove the divorce talk. Just be strong and say 'we will NOT divorce, so don't even go there.' Let him know he is safe to be vulnerable wiht you, without you running out on him for failing in that vulnerability. I know it seems hard to feel that way about him right now, but in your conversation, I saw a lot of keys that tell me he wants things to go well with you, just doesn't know how.

Maybe instead of books, you can find some videos to watch or some books on tape that you can listen to while you're driving on your business trips, or into the big city. That way, you're not expecting anything from him, just exposing him to the message.

Progress on self-improvement.

STEP A for me: I'm fed up with babysitting. He can police himself. I've already told him he's got to watch his own text counter. I don't care anymore.

2/25/08 He's still not checking for himself. Today is the end of our cycle. I want to find out for budget purposes if he went over. Otherwise, I don't want to check at all. Sick of the whole scene.

STEP B: Get some sleep. Work on sleep hygiene. No more than one hour variance for my normal bedtime and wake time. No more staying up late with DH on his days off. A person with normal health would have the freedom to do so. I don't. I realize this may net even less sex for me as he'll probably play with himself to porn, but c'est la vie, my health is suffering.

My first step was to try sleeping in various places in the house. Did not work. Second step, try a sleep aid. I woke at 10:30pm. Third step, take second sleep aid. It worked. I slept till 6am.

2/25/08 Pharmacist recommended Melatonin. I find I am getting pretty good sleep with two tabs a night.

STEP C: Work on my beauty. Got a haircut yesterday; color it today. I'm developing a really big gray streak! Due to DH no doubt. Manicure/pedicure. Locate my foot cream.

When DH is over his cold, I will be getting a back rub.

2/25/08 Hair is colored. Mani/Pedi done. Now I want to begin making sure I wash off make-up at night/apply night cream. Want to start a beauty calendar. Mani/pedi every week. Hair coloring once monthly. Haircut every six weeks. Thought calendars would be on clearance yesterday but none were that I could find.

STEP D: Get back to work on business. After a month and a half off, it's going to take some gearing up to get back in gear.

2/25/08 This is where DH has been criticisizing and degrading me. I am hard-pressed to get motivated with someone standing right there, ready to steal credit, ready to say, "See? The bullying worked." Because it flat-out doesn't work for me. I will say it straight out. He needs to keep his mouth shut for a while so that I, myself, can get my motivation and style going again. He is making things worse and worse in the area of my business, including sabotaging me and sabotaging stock.

STEP E: Get back to the 2 hours a day housework. Because of my health, I will have to increment it. 1 hour today, more tomorrow. (This time it's for me; I want to be semi-packed just in case.)

2/25/08 I have been too angry with him to meet this very high DS need of his. But since he is out of the house working today, I still want to do it for myself, so it is on todays agenda.

STEP E: Excercise. This weekend. Start a routine, post a calendar for tracking. Buy a pretty winter-style workout outfit. For DHs attractive spouse needs, get one of those 8 minute bun-boosting DVDs.

2/25/08 DH was home this weekend; we were busy-ish. I did not focus. However, I did shop for a bun workout dvd -- and did not find one. So still on my list. I will work out today; very committed to it, and DH has not fed me a criticism sandwich on this.

New! STEP F: Maybe? Attend church on Sundays when DH is working. He is only on weekends thru mid-March, so not sure how this will play out.

New! STEP G: Focus on my businesses. A new hobby business has been addded to the list. I am excited. Need to visit SBA, create a DBA, update my website(s.)

New! STEP H: Develop friends through business contacts and elsewhere. Give out phone number at least once per week. I am primarily seeking female friends. The male friend at Taco Bell scenario was just because I'm PO'd with DH's Slippery Slope/EA's. I did give out my number to one woman all ready - and she never contacted me! So I felt rejected. PLUS DH did the 'call all his friends to prove he has more friends than me' thing he does whenever I reach out to anyone. Still, I must press on. I figure only one out of three people would follow up with contact.

P.S. DH made it abundantly clear yesterday that to help meet his need for DS, I must go to large, faraway grocery store at least once every two weeks. In my mind, there is no savings driving so far when we have an albeit overpriced grocery store in town. With gas money plus temptation to overbuy plus all the wasted food -- I just don't see the point of going to the larger store and overbuying. I hate it. We have not reached a POJA on this. He says once his shift is shortened, he will do it himself. But even with entire days off he doesn't do it, so I have to brainstorm.

I believe you are right on target there. I noticed that the reason he surrounds himself with EA type OS friends is because he can never get enough ego-boosting. He chooses women (usually alcoholics) who fawn all over him, worship the ground he walks on, yet are no threat of a real relationship because he cannot get sexually attracted to them. I'm sure he's hurt them plenty with unrequited feelings, but he would not be capable of seeing it from their point of view. And being women with needy, addictie personalities, they don't know better than to run.

Which scares me for me about staying with him. No addictions here, but maybe there really is something wrong with me getting in with mentally abusive men (having to lord his OS friends over me, "See how much I am admired? Where do you come from complaining?"


This was encouraging to read in some ways, but in others, I guess I am just too frustrated to receive his love the way I should. It comes in tiny spurts instead of a steady stream. Now I am getting that way too in response.

I think I have a lot of healing to do from the EAs. And I cannot make progress when they keep popping up; when each time we hit a rocky spot, he runs to other women.

I read on the Shirley Glass site that, “In order for your marriage to heal from the betrayal, your husband has to be willing to answer your questions. Until and unless you find out what you need to know, the affair will remain an open wound in your relationship. So far, the only integrity he is showing is to his affair partner. You have every reason to doubt him."

Which is why (even though this goes against the very thing I said about texting issues) I texted some questions regarding OS friends to him. I asked him first if I could ask some questions regarding OS friends and that I needed him not to go ballistic. He agreed.

Here is what I texted him: "It is ok to send os friends romantic texts, email or voice mail?" (Observed: He and his os friends do this.) "It is ok to use romantic nicknames?" (Observed.) "It is ok to compliment body parts?" (Observed.) It is ok to kiss on lips?" (He told me he does this but said he would try to kiss on cheek. However, if he is mad at me (which is often) we know what would happen.) "It is ok to breast chest hug? (Assumed.) It is okay to say I love you in many different forms? (Observed.) It is ok to share problems about spouse without telling spouse? (Observed -- found out anyway.)

Of course I shouldn't pick at this in Plan A, but I'm not healing here. As long as he keeps running to their arms with this lovey-dovey stuff (T. called last night when we went to bed; he said he called her yesterday too,) I won't heal. I also won't know how I should behave with OS friends. I guess he will be setting that barometer. My idea of platonic friends is far different from his.


I have done this before. It is a good idea, and my mom suggested it too. But a few days later, he threatened divorce again. He never agreed not to say it in the first place.


I think I have to get to a point where I am 100% committed again. As it is, with him threatening me so much, I do not feel safe. It is very hard to make the very person who is making you feel unsafe feel safe.

I have gotten there before; right now, I'm not. I can see I need full resolution to this OS friend problem before I can move forward and be truly in love with him. As it is, I never know what is going to hit me next.

Like yesterday, I forgot to mention: He used to party with those girls at the hair salon down at the local bar. Just another bomb in my bomb-filled life.

I do appreciate the input. I am waiting for his response. None so far.


A DVD or CD? came with one of the books. I've got to see what's on it. It's strange, but I think watching "In Treatment" is helping him in a round about way.

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Oops, this just in. At first he said, "Yes to all." Then he said he was messing with me, he had given up those bad habits. (??) For a while, yes. Let's not overlook the backsliding.

I said I wasn't messing with him. That I would be among men again soon (working,) and that if he could be strong, I would be strong. Sheesh, this is such a headache.

I've had a day to let it sink in. He concluded on his own the non-platonic aspects of his 'just friends' OS friendships weren't working for us. He decided on his own to cut out the "bad habits."

I feel more at ease. I had a fabulous day. Started the free Small Business tutorials on the SBA website. Went to the library; got self-help books and books about small businesses. Ran a ton of little errands which will take a burden off DH since it's snowing tonight.

Hopefully, he will acknowledge. Or at least appreciate internally.

I have made up TWO little notebooks, CP, one for me (his Love Bank deposits/withdrawals,) and one for him. In his, I am estimating what little things I do might be worth, for instance:

Doing dishes +1
Getting the mail +1
Going grocery shopping +10

etc etc.

Certain things have a negatives too, like:

Taking too long -5 (this can be considered by his need to control, but there are times when I am just dawdling.)
Picking a fight via text messaging -5

etc.

I am using the same sort of rating system for his deposit/withdrawals in my little notebook. Of course, I am filling them out for both of us, really just hitting the highlights of the day.

It will certainly help me retain in my brain the sweet things he does and the progress he's making, vice versa.

He is planning another home improvement project for tomorrow. During that long talk in the tub on Sunday, I mentioned how I had fears about my working. That he would use a second income for a boy toy -- instead of tending to the projects that needed finishing around the house. I think that hit a chord because he is in a rush to complete this project. He knows this will be major Love Bank deposits.

I was struck on another thread with the fact that my DH is mean to my DS6. I feel like I am on a balance beam. Harleys/others say don't contridict your DH, let him parent too, but when he veers off in the wrong direction, I am scared to confront him. I read a lot of books on how to develop self-esteem in children, how to help them self-protect, but now read an opinion that I am doing exactly the wrong thing. Hard to take.

But... I will hear any approach. The thing that I see working best is starting to set boundaries with DH with MYSELF. As soon as he knows he will not be able to treat me that way, I do see an improvement in the way he treats DS6. I always thought that was a selfish approach and never tried it before -- but started setting boundaries for myself out of self-preservation -- and his eyes become open for both of us.

It will happen in stages. I cannot change everyone overnight. I do protect DS6 to the best of my ability. That's all I have on that right now.

In the meantime, my eyes are also opening to how much love my DH attempts to give me -- and how much I refuse to accept -- just because I fear loving him. He is a kinder, gentler, more rational person when he feels loved. But I want our feeling for each other to be strong, true and faithful.

We are getting there. I think we are in recovery now. Maybe soon I'll move over to the recovery section.

P.S. Last night he was very open with me, talked a great deal about work; let me know that instead of contacting his ex-lover directly about a work matter, he is having a friend get a message to her so my DH won't have to deal with her. That was for me. +++

I have had the same problem confronting H about how he treats D17. My fear has kept me from calling him out, I have tried to find more subtle ways. But I worry constantly that I am teaching D17 to 'take it'. I thank my stars she's so outspoken with him and feels empowered to argue with him. Because I'm too weak to do it for her.

I'm having one of those days on this board, today, too. Seems like everything I offer pisses someone off, so I've been keeping quiet.

The only comment I have is don't do things hoping for some appreciation or other outcome from him. You will only be disappointed or discouraged.

He dropped a bomb on me yesterday via text. He wants me to drive to the big city by myself. Asked him if it was a test, and he said yes. I went off on him. I really get fed up with his "tests." (He's been this way from the get go.)

He knows that I'm phobic about freeways. He keeps making a big city -- about an hour away! -- out to be the central reason he cannot trust me in an emergency.

The only thing we do there is shop????????????????????????

So he is purposefully setting me up to fail.

I said no. That if I wanted to do it for myself one day, I might try it (since the road he referred to is on the outskirts.) But my answer was no!

I get home. He is talking like he assumes I am going. He has a list of selfish demands. You are going here to get something I need. Then there to return my stuff. Then use that money to go there to buy this thing I want.

Yes, an entire list of selfish demands. NO POJA at all. NO negotiating at all. NO agreement from me at all.

He even tells his friend on the phone that I am going!

Another sleepless night for me! I finally fell asleep around 3 after taking three melatonin. I do NOT like starting my day late like this.

He will claim because he is working on the floor (just confessed it was going to be easy,) that it is my duty to go to the big city.

This all a bunch of bull-cacca, and I know it. He is using it for his emergency BS excuse to divorce me, hurt me, ridicule me, whatever.

He is phobic about spiders. I am going to buy him a tarantula today, make him hold it. Think then he'd get the picture?