You have scheduled a first discussion for Saturday, well done.

Now you will start finding out the truth. Keep the discussion short (45 minutes max), be sure to stay calm - no DJs or AOs and quietly ask, ask, ask.

Don't be side tracked, just keep going. You need every single detail of everything that happened. Your boundary is going to be that if he doesn't talk, you will divorce him.

You will get to the bottom of what went on because if he tells the truth it will be the same story each time you ask and if he lies, there will be inconsistencies (obviously you are not going to tell him this). And when he tells the truth it will make sense so follow your instinct on this.

After 45 minutes, stop. Thank him for being honest and schedule another time. This is so that he can think between sessions which is important as some of the details will have got blurred in his mind.

Be patient, it may take weeks as this will be hard for him. It is going to be painful and difficult for you too but if you want to recover your M you must have these conversations. You may decide not to hear any more and that will be your choice. If you do, you must know that you will not recover your M so that your choice will be to divorce him.

Our 'conversations' took three months with new disclosures each time. Plan for this and be strong. Come here to vent.

Ace,

Is it your H who has the PA behaviors? Did you require professional help? I believe my H learned these behaviors from his father -who just suffered a nervous breakdown and depression. He is getting professional help, and family/friends say it is helping.

His affair with this teen girl ended - i think - three years ago this May. He has lied and it has been so long that I feel our marriage is not worth saving. I feel indifferent toward my H. My real feelings are of guilt for wanting a divorce and protecting my reputation. My mother says I need to stop protecting him and move forward.

Should I reveal the affair to my pastor and his wife (the teen was their daughter)? Something I have not mentioned is that my H is the youth pastor at my church. He had the EA with the senior pastor's daughter. She has currently left our church and is living horribly. I have been protecting him and his job. This is so different and yet not from the other affairs on this site because it involved a 16 yr old girl.

Combine this affair with his PA behaviors and I am tired.

Teagan,

My H and I are/were passive aggressive. Yes, we are seeing a professional marriage counselor to get help with it after 35 years together. WE are overcoming it for the most part and apologize immediately when we recognize we've engaged in that behavior....usually!

Do you have any concrete proof of his EA? Phone bill, handwritten notes/cards/letters, items that can prove he was inappropriately involved?

Yes, I think you should expose but you need to do it correctly with all your proof in hand. I'm not sure what your steps should be but I'm sure others will be by to help you with those.

He is a danger to other youth group members and should be stopped and disciplined harshly.

Did you move the guy from your home? IMHO you and your H both need intense professional help from someone not involved with your specific church. Can you call the Harleys? At least you can call the free radio show and ask for advice on where to begin.

Others will help you with your exposure process. Best wishes to you Teagan...I'll be praying for you.

Ace

There is no proof because she lived next door. He went over to her house, alot. He had "talks" with her in his office. She would come and wan to talk with him after every session with her counselor. She said her counselor wasn't helping so she wanted to talk to him. H also openly admitted the EA. H says it was one sided - I believe it did not progress because it was exposed to DCFS quickly. I have nothing that is why it is so hard. H does not want his friend to move out.

The friend needs to go and you both should seek professional help.

Can you call the Harleys or at least the radio show? It streams on this web site and you can call when they start to go live (I've heard they are taking a break).

Ace

P.S. I'll check in on you, Teagan, but I can only encourage you because other than pro counseling, I'm not sure what to suggest...others will advise you if you keep seeking answers.

I hear what all of you are saying. I feel guilty, but I just want to start over and fresh with my life. I really want a divorce but feel guilty that I will hurt him. *sigh* H has become territorial now that I have given him the note. Frustrated and ready to give up.

I am afraid that the only "proof" I could get is to contact the teenage girl involved and get her side of the story. This issue has been "swept under the carpet" and the teen girl involved and the girl who notified DCFS were discredited.

Should I contact the girl? If something more physical happened she should be protected or at least her story acknowledge.

Also, my husband wants till March 31st to decide if he wants counseling or not. Is that unreasonable? Should I push the issue? Shouldn't he just want to do what is right for our marriage?

I know this is OT but your name caught my eye. My son's name is Teagan, I have never met an adult Teagan. Of course he is the most amazing kid going...courage and strength beyond imagination(20 surgeries and he is only 8) Maybe something about the name relates to courage and strength?

Kag,
You have a great kid there. It is amazing what children can cope with if they have to. I have looked up one meaning for Teagan and it means an attractive woman, however there may be other meanings....I would get a second opinion. lol

Well, I confessed my marital issues to my parents and my pastor and his wife. They are very concerned. My parents have found a counselor and set up the appointment. March 6th is our first session. My H is not very comfortable about it but "here goes." I am going to give it my all and see what happens. I am just concerned about people's seemingly unconcern for the teenage affair that went on. No changes or boundaries are being made concerning my H interation with teens. I think they have written it off as no concern since it "did not become physical." I have some serious moral issues with my H that I find hard to overlook. The moral issues alone make me want to divorce him and move on. Is that a wrong feeling?

H is being very resitant to change. Those who know are trying to encourage him to do what is right to save our marriage and H wants nothing to do with it. We have seen the counselor once and H thinks he is a condescending jerk, refuses to do the assignments given, cancelled the next appointment, and left for Tennessee fro a week with his mom. I have moved into the spare bedroom - even that has not fazed him (except not getting sex). Emotionally I am exhausted and sick of his childish behavior. I am waiting for Surviving an Affair to come in the mail. But When is it enough?

Have you incorporated the material here, as far as setting boundaries, eliminating Love Busters and learning and meeting Emotional Needs? In other words, give him a reason to want to work on things? Become the best wife possible, make your marriage the best option out there. That way, if you do decide to leave, you'll know you made every effort possible first, rather than just leaving. If you do that, you'll likely do it again in your next marriage.

But set boundaries on what is acceptable, and stand by them. Like going to counseling. If he cancels an appointment, there needs to be a consequence.

Yep, I bought the books "His Needs, Her Needs," "Love Busters," and "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders." I have read them and H says he is reading them. I filled out the EN questionaire and gave H a copy to fill out. H just complained and said there is nothing to live for because of everything he needs to fix. I am doing everything I can and have a clear conscience.

That's the best you can do, then. I think that, when he says 'I have nothing to live for' he's saying 'do you love me or not? If you do, you would just let me be." Which is manipulation, of course, whether he realizes it or not. Can you help him see that somehow? That you want to be close to him but such statements make withdrawals?

btw, don't bet money he is reading the books. He seems to now be in the mode of 'I have to give her lip service to get anywhere. So what. I'll do it as long as I have to, until things die down and I can do things my way again.'

In your conversations, can you do the reaffirm thing? 'I hear you saying you don't want to...is that right? Can you explain why you feel that way?' It takes the onus off of you, and asks him to act responsibly.

This seems to be his pattern. Just do enough to get by, unfortunately - for him - I am not buying it anymore.

I have been reaffirming my position with him each time he brings the subject up. I have said everything I can. Just waiting for tonight with the counselor.

Well I have tried to get my H to read the books suggested at this site. I have printed out the Love Busters questionnaire and the Emotional Needs questionaire and I have filled them out. H has "not had the time" to read the books or fill out the questionnaires. Instead, he has decided to take a Nazarite vow. Whatever! This is what the vow states:

Read: Numbers 6:1-27

The vow of the Nazarite was voluntarily made by those who desired “to separate themselves unto the LORD” (v.2) for a determined season. “All the days of his separation he is holy unto the LORD” (v.8). During the time of his separation, the Nazarite was bound by three absolute restrictions.

First, he could “eat nothing that is made of the vine tree, from the kernels even to the husk” (v.4).

The complete abstinence from grapes in that day was representative of giving up worldly pleasures, for the fruit of the vine symbolized life's frivolity. Not only was intoxicating drink withheld, but also the chamar, which was a sweet grape juice that symbolized the sweet things of the world.

Second, “there shall not razor come upon his head: until the days be fulfilled” (v.5).

Long hair in the society of that day symbolized that a person was living under the authority and covering of another. As believers, we now live under the authority and covering of our Lord. We were bought with a price that He paid on the cross. Therefore, we belong to Him and we are in covenant union with Him. Today, we demonstrate submission through the way we conduct of our lives - under the authority of another through dependence and obedience.

Third, during the days of his separation, “he shall come at no dead body” (v.6).

The requirement to stay away from dead bodies is another important symbol. It strongly suggests that the Nazarite should not go near anything that would cause spiritual death. Romans 6:23 says that the wages of sin is death. So, succinctly stated this ritual refrain means don't go near sin because sin will bring spiritual death.

At the end of his separation, specific sacrifices must be made at which time “the hair of his separation is shaven” (v.19). At that time, the restrictions of the vow are removed.

The vow was offered voluntarily. Evidently, the Nazarite himself determined the length of the vow. Therefore, he decided how much he was willing to sacrifice. Yet, after the vow was made, its requirements were very strict. Consider the three restrictions placed on the Nazarite. As a whole, they illustrate the cost of discipleship for the believer today.

I have tried to use the principles stated in this website, which I feel are far more easier to follow than the vow he has taken.

I give up! I told him that he made this decision without asking me my opinion. I told H, until further notice, consider us separated.