The following is from my first post and gives a background of my marriage and where we were in December when I first found this site searching for help with my failing marriage.

This is my first post so I will try and give some back ground info on my marriage and hope it isn't too long. To start let me explain where I am at today. My husband of almost 8 years left yesterday for training out of state, he will be home for a week over Christmas, then gone two more months and then on to Afganistan till this time next year. In November he was gone for three weeks (again army training) and when he got home from that about three weeks ago he informed me that he no longer was in love with me and he was going to move out when he got back from deployment. I asked him to reconsider and we discussed how I had already been making changes in myself and my attitude/actions towards him, which he acknowledged, but thought it was "too little, too late". He said he would need time to think and didn't know what he was going to do, that is where we still are (at least to my knowledge, he hasn't talked about it) at this point.

I will try and keep the marriage history as short as I can, but would appreciate anyone willing to read it all, as it helps understand where we have been and how we got to this point. I met my husband while vacationing at my sisters in Hawaii (he was stationed there). I had a boyfriend that although we had been together for years, knew he wasn't the forever type. So we became quick friends and spend alot of time together during those two weeks, but only as friends. I came home, broke up with the boyfriend, and started a long distance relationship with my husband. He came home on leave for Christmas, a few states away, and had promised to come see me. He backed out, claiming he need to stay there and visit family, so I offered to drive to him, which I then did. The few days together were great, finally had some physical contact and he express he was already falling in love with me. He went back to Hawaii, and then came directly to visit me on leave in the spring. We spent a week together. He was then in Japan till almost Christmas and again came to spend his leave over Christmas with me. We went to visit his family and ended up just going and getting married. We told all the family afterwards. I don't really know how it all happened, just that i knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and so it didn't matter if we rushed into marriage or not. He returned to Hawaii, myself in the states till August when he getting out of the service. He moved to my hometown. At this point he had little to do with his family, as he suffered a great deal of abuse growing up and his mother was still married to the guy who inflicted much of that abuse.

So after seven months of marriage we started to live together. We had already had some major fights over money and things and also resentment on my part over him missing my college graduation cermony(he didn't even call me on that day). Learning to live together didn't go much better, and I did tend to lash out at him and other times ignore him for a day or two at a time. We were never very happy, but he didn't have the money or his family support(no place to live or go to that wasn't my family)to leave me, and I believe that the marriage vows mean something and wasn't going to leave him. We had many fights over having kids, because although I wanted to have kids when we met, I had since changed my mind and in trying to get him to agree with me, did say some very hurtful things about him not being a good candidate to be a father due to his childhood abuse and substancial problems in adulthood. Although nothing I said was untrue, I do realize now that what I said was very hurtful and cut him to the core. Also this was about the time he had just returned from being deployed to Iraq. We did fight some while he was gone, but overall it went okay, but he was and is still pissed at me for missing their homecoming cermony. I went to visit him as soon as he was state side and a week later they returned home and I missed the cermony. I had asked him beforehand if it was okay to miss it for a coaching clinic that was being done close by as I was coaching high school at the time and was attending all the clinics I could. He said it was fine, but it wasn't and he felt all alone at this cermony, although my parents and sister and bil went. Fought alot that first year back, but again I think he didn't see any way out due to his poor budgeting and no longer having anything to due to his family. Eventually things went back to normal.

Fast forward to last year, we decided to buy a house as we got a puppy and it didn't work to keep renting. He had been going to college part time for a few years, changing major three times, and agreed to quit and work full time so we could both afford half of the mortage. A few months after we purchased the house things were really bad again. As much I don't believe in divorse I almost moved back to my parents, because I felt he just wasn't willing to try anymore and got to a breaking point. I ended up telling him that he needed a place for his stuff while he deployed this year and I need a place to live so we might as well continue on this way for awhile longer and if after he got back it still wasn't working we would go from there. Things went back to normal and I had forgotten about that, thinking we were going to continue working on this. Now he tell me he has given up and doesn't want to risk staying married and being miserable for the next seven years. Also, I changed my mind on having kids (won't make this even longer, but the change is for the right reasons) and had told him this a few weeks before his announcement of leaving and now he says we would ruin a child. Also, over the last few months I have done a lot of self reflection and see how hurtful and cruel I have been in the past to him. I grew up with a depressed mom who lashed out and both my sister and I react that way when mad or hurt. I also have being dealing with OCD since high school (actually longer than that, but that is when depression started due to its intensity). Last year I started meds that helped and am doing much better with my OCD, that has helped me be much happy with myself which enables me to act and have a different attidude towards everything, including my husband and marriage. My husband has seen the difference, but is so set in his current thinking doesn't seem to actually get through to him. My husband also has a large list of childhood problems and can't find a way to deal with the abuse he went through. He had thought being married would give him all the love and end his feeling of always being alone, but is finally realising that is not realistic. He uses this to back his decision to leave as I would be better off with someone else. I know he has alot of healing to do still from his childhood, but I just want him to give us a chance to get through his together.
I am looking at this point for advise in how to proceed. My husband left without telling me if he has made a decision on if he is still planing to move out when he get home from depolyment. What do I do if he leave for Afganistan still not saying anything? I was thinking that since he hadn't said anything, that he might just be still thinking and I wanted to give him space he asked for and not bug him about it. But, then I thought that he might just be avoiding the conversation because I didn't take it well the first time and since he is gone he can avoid it all till he gets home. But, how am I suppose to go a year wondering what his decision is all the while taking care of the house, finances, pets, etc. Not that I mind taking care of everything while he is gone, but if he is just going to dump me when he gets back it is hard to not resent all that I am doing for him right now. I do know that if he bring it up when he is home for Chrismas, either way he goes I am going to ask him to agree to do marriage therapy for at least a few months (maybe 6 to even a year) when he gets back and if he insists on still moving out, that he agree no dating till after we do the marriage therapy. If he won't agree to that, I don't know what to do. I don't know what he is thinking, and it takes all my self will to not just lash out and do something like tell him he is kicked out as of now, and have little to no contact with him while he is deployed. I just don't know what to do if he tell me that he still is going to leave me when he gets back. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

Okay here we are a few months later and I still have no idea what is going on as far as my husband is concern with our marriage. He was home for a week over Christmas and basically acted like normal and although he hadn’t told me he was leaving me when he gets back next December from Aganistan. He did tell me while home that he didn’t think he would get much of a leave before flying over and I wasn’t to come down and see him (he is a few states away training). Since then he is getting off four days and did ask me to come down and that is in two weeks. While home he mentioned a few things like future house projects that would indicate he isn’t still planning on moving out when he gets home, but in one conversation about a future truck purchase for him he threw in there something about if we are not together anymore. So he left and I was/am still very confused.
I decide to come to this section tonight and post because I need some support right now. I have started to wonder if there might be someone else in his life. When he first told me all this in November I thought about that possiblity and really concluded that there wasn’t. I just recently went over the minutes on his cell phone bill and am now worried that might not be the case. What I found was that the month before he told me his plans to move out after returning from deployment he was on his phone for 19 hours. Generally he uses about a hour or two of minutes each month. During this particular month billing (November) he was gone for three weeks of it training and didn’t call me at all. Now his best friend was also there during that training and he might have used the phone also, but at training they are busy and I can’t see how even two of them could find the time for 19 hours of phone use. Someone had to been on the phone for hours late at night. That is the only info I have right now, as I just found out that my cell phone account was not set up to view the call logs even on line. It is changed and I will be able to see this months details about five days after the 10th. And they are mailing me the call details for the last four months of billing and will take a week or so to get them. Since that month his usage is much lower and more normal, but then at our house we don’t have service and therefore might not have the chance to use too many minutes. This month, since he left on Jan 2 he has used very few mintues due to little time off and also poor service, I have been watching the minutes and so far he has used 58 to me and 11 I don’t know, which I was hoping meant that even if he had been talking to someone else too much that it has stopped. I am so stressed and freaked out right now waiting to see who all those minutes were to and if there is even more incoming minutes. I know that he has many guy friends, mostly in his unit, that he make have on that call log and I don’t know their numbers. I guess I was wondering how I will know from the call log if he indeed has a “friend”. I really think (and please just let me be on this issue, I have good reasons and don’t need to stress about this too right now) that if there is someone else it is just a friend right now. But I know that if he is spending more time and energy conversing with a friend of the opposite sex than me and continues to do so while deployed for the next year he isn’t going to come home wanting to work on our marriage. Also if it is a friend, and I could actually see him having just a good friend to vent to and such, he is lying to me by not telling me he is talking so much to this person and again I think it just means he isn’t going to even consider working on our relationship. I have read enough info here to see what is usually suggested if there is any type of affair going on. Right now could someone just help me get through this period of figuring out if there is someone else and then see what I want to do as far as the marriage.
Thanks for reading all this, I know it is very long.

Hey lit1022,

Is there any way you can get a unit roster from the rear detachment commander of his unit? If there's a family rediness group, they might have a contact list as well.

If you can get a unit roster, you should be able to find out who this person is if they're in the same unit. If they're not in the same unit, then it will be much harder.

Is this your H's first deployment? Everyone reacts differently when mobilizing. Many people will get intensly focused on the upcoming mission and it's easy to say and do things that hurt our spouses and children... I'm not excusing this type of behavior, just noting that it DOES happen...

I would strongly suggest that while your H is deployed that you try to minimize your relationship discussions either by phone or e-mail. I suspect that his phone and computer time will be very limited and you don't want to spend it fighting with each other.

Afghanistan is still a very dangerous place and he will need to remain focused while he's over here. Use this time to work on some of the issues that you've shared with us. I know that you want to "fix" this all right now, but I can assure you from personal experience, that trying to do so while he is deployed is going to be VERY trying on both of you, and for him, it will be next to impossible if he's to remain focused on his combat missions.

I'm glad that you came back and posted again. Please continue to post here and we'll do our best to help you...

Semper Fi,

RIF

"But, how am I suppose to go a year wondering what his decision is all the while taking care of the house, finances, pets, etc. Not that I mind taking care of everything while he is gone, but if he is just going to dump me when he gets back it is hard to not resent all that I am doing for him right now."

I'm puzzled. Why WOULDN'T you take care of the home, finances and pets? Whether he was in the picture or not, you would still need to do that. What else would you do?

Get Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. Read as much as you possibly can on this site. There are more than just articles here- there are archived radio broadcasts, posts and emails, etc. I was also going to say the same thing as Believer about taking care of things around the house anyways...so what's the problem there?

Sounds like you have plenty of work to do on yourself and not continuing to abuse someone who has been abused most of their life. He has a lot of work to do as well, but you are the one posting and the only one you can change in this equation, so...

And this:


May I suggest that this is the root of your problems! It most certainly IS realistic and in a healthy, loving relationship, that is how it is SUPPOSED to be. So, I would suggest getting some books, doing some learning and how to deal with your angry outbursts (AO), disrespectful judgements (DJ). A good counselor can also help you work through these issues. He has noticed your changes so far, and that is great! Keep it up and he will feel more and more safe in this M and will start to do the work he needs to do to make it a wonderful and fulfilling M for both of you. But it starts with you.

BTW-missing his homecoming ceremony to go to a coaching clinic which was optional is NOT OK!!!

As far as infidelity goes...see what's on the phone bill, get a roster like RIF said and see what the number is....call it yourself if you have to!

Keep posting here as you progress and the great people here will help you along.

Thanks for all the replies. I will try to respond to each and hopefully get further feedback into my situation.

RIF – If there is a OW she wouldn’t be in his unit, as the unit has no females. The extreme phone usage started while he was training at our states home base for National Guard, first a week with his unit doing admin stuff to get ready to deploy and then two weeks at a sniper school, which again I don’t think any females would take his course. There are going to be a few females some how associated with the unit while deployed, but if there is something going on it began at least in November (the high raise in phone usage). So thanks for the idea of a unit contact list, but won’t help me.

This is actually his second deployment and I do think he had a much tougher time dealing with it then the first (might be this time he knows exactly what he is in for and said he thinks he has less chance to be lucky again and come home unharmed). When he told me in November about moving out when he gets home from deployment, I did think it could be linked to his high stress level of going over again and told him this. He said that he didn’t think that it was the case, but if it was it was only in that he had reflected on possibily not coming home and if he did he didn’t want to stay in our marriage and be unhappy any more. When faced with me stated that I thought we could work on the marriage and it not be so unhappy anymore, he feels since he no longer thinks he loves me and we just don’t agree on many issue that we shouldn’t try.

Right now we do not discuss our relationship. I have not brought it up since the day after he told me he was leaving, which was months ago. The second conversation and last we had about the state/future of our marriage, I again told him I would like him to reconsider this decision to move out and I was willing to put 100% effort into making our marriage a happy one for both of us and would continue the changes I had been doing and wanted to do marriage therapy when he got home. He said he needed to think about it and has just never brought it up again. I wanted to respect his request for space and time to think and therefore don’t bring it up and also I am scared to hear that he hasn’t changed this mind. I do my best to not fight at all with him, but he does get mad at me over little things that I can’t do anything about. It seems that then when I calmly tell him I am not mad and I am not fighting with him he just continues being annoyed and it is like we fighted, but yet only he really participated. I can’t really explain it, but right now no matter what I do he still goes off on me and see it as we are fighting. I am really frustrated with that situation, but can’t control his reactions and just do my best to avoid it.

I do understand he needs to be focused on his job while over there and will not be bugging him about our relationship while he is deployed. I am very proud of him and what he is doing and want to be there for him and support him. The thing is I need to know if he is being faithful to me. My sister says just ask him, but one he could lie if that is already what he has been doing and if he isn’t cheated he will get very angry at me for thinking he might me and that won’t help convince him that it is worth it to work on our marriage. I know that many here will disagree with this, but I will not continue in this marriage if he is emotionally and/or physically being unfaithful. I am willing however to do about anything to try and make our marriage work if he hasn’t cheated.

Believer – I am not actually sure exactly what I was think about when writing that part about taking care of everything, since it was about two months ago. I do understand that the things need to get done either way, but there is a lot of extra responsibility that now falls on my shoulder with him gone and you do it because you are supporting him and love him and it benefits him and therefore us. But if he is betraying me with cheating why should I carrry his extra load too. I am doing his personal finances as we have joint ones and separate ones, taking care of his dog, and if I was on my own wouldn’t have such a large house and three acres to deal with, just a few examples. Don’t know if that makes any sense to you, but if he is playing me while gone and then leaving for someone else I would be a fool to do all this for him, when it is supposed to be for us and thus if there is no longer a us why do all these things for him.

Resonance – You are really right about me hurting me so much throughout our marriage and he already has so much hurt and abuse to deal with from childhood. I have already changed that and don’t say things anymore that will make him feel bad/worse about himself. It should be great that he noticed, but yet it didn’t/hasn’t done anything to make him think we might have a happy future together.

As far as the homecoming cermony, it would take too much time to try and explain the reasons why it didn’t seem like that wrong of a decision at the time. It isn’t as cut and dry as it might seem to someone not aware off all the aspects of the situation. But it is done and I am determined to never screw up again like that and not be at a function of his, but he can’t get over it and uses that as an example why we have too much bad history and shouldn’t continue in this marriage.

Please keep the input coming as I really need to keep my cool right now and carefully determine if he is or isn’t cheating. Once that is determine I will need a whole different set of support and advice as to go from there.

You will have to show your changes over a long period of time. Your marriage didn't get vulnerable overnight and it won't be fixed overnight.

Is he a good husband, or do the childhood issues cause lots of problems? He will need to be the one to deal with those, and you can't fix it for him. So don't even try that. Work on your own issues.

I do realize that it will take time for my husband's feelings to soften and then again fall in love with me. The problem is that he hasn't yet indicated if he is even open to this possiblity. I had planned on doing everything I could while he is gone to show him that should he stay living with me and work on the marriage that there is hope for us to be happy and I be the wife that he is looking for. I just need to know that he isn't cheating in order to continue with that plan.

Your question about him being a good husband is actually something I have thought about and do actually wonder why I am trying so hard to save our marriage. I guess it comes down to that I do really love and know that he is good person. He doesn't abuse me or anything, but otherwise he hasn't a clue how to treat a wife and be in a healty relationship. He struggles a lot with his issues from childhood abuse. It pretty much interfers with every aspect of our marriage. He does go to therapy for this, although right now with being gone he isn't. He doesn't seem to make much head way as far as the mental torture and deep down feelings of being unloved and alone. And although he hates his step dad and everything about him and how he treats his mother, I see so many common behaviors also in my husband. We do come from very different backgrounds and I thought he had raised about his, but it seems like he is more like his family than even he wants to be. If I would have known that he would turn out this way, I wouldn't have gotten married to him in the first place. But that is done and over so I am hoping that we can figure out a way to make it work (if he is open to it and not cheating on me) even though we are so different.

I could really use some help right now if anyone has info on getting cell phone records. I have service with Verizon Wireless and realized last week that I couldn't access the call details of incoming and outgoing calls online (I never tried to look at that info before). Was told by customer service that the call log was suppressed and they were to undo that and would send copies of the last four bills which would have that info on them. Got the bills today and they don't have the call details. Called again and told by customer service that the only way to get me that info would be to send the bills, and after explaining I got that and it wasn't there said it might not be there again if sent again. Switched me over to tech support for online stuff and was told the suppression hasn't been lifted and a supervisor was going to work on that and call me personally back tonight. Also requested that the supervisor look into getting me the old records. I was told before that they are in their systems, so why can't they print them out and send them to me? No one called me back. Also was told that customer service couldn't tell when the suppression begin, was wondering if my husband did it in Nov when he got a new phone. This account is in my name and need my SSN to access it, so why can't I get this info? I wonder if my husband is making inappropiate calls on his cell and he especially used much more minutes than normal in the 30 day billing period before he inform me he was moving out when he gets back from his deployment. I go and visit him in a little over a week and then he deploys till next December. I really wanted to get the cell phone records and see if I could find any evidence of a "new friend".

Hey lit1022,

Right now, with him deploying, there's not really much that you can do to stop him if he actually is involved with an OW. If you know that this OW is in the unit with your H, then you could contact his CO and expose... but it sounds like you're having a hard time identifying this OW.

My best advice for you is to continue to work on yourself and make your home a safe, attractive place for your H. If he IS cheating, I can assure you that the A will most likely die a natural death especially if the OW is here in the states and he's over here in Afghanistan.

Look for ways to brighten up his day while he's over here... send him cards and letters and lots of care packages... don't worry if he doesn't respond, just keep the letters and cards and care packages coming... Your goal here is to let him know that you are thinking about him while he's deployed so don't try to write about any "relationship" stuff in your letters or cards.

Keep snooping and see if you can ID this potential "OW", and if you do, then expose her to her church, her family, her work, expose to anyone that can put some pressure on the A...

I know this is hard, but with him being deployed, it's best to put the relationship stuff on hold until he comes home.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF - I realize that I won't have anyway of knowing what he is up to once deployed and he could be emailing and calling someone else. That is why I need help now getting the cell phone records and hopefully can deduct something from them on whether he might be cheating or not. Right now I am doing exactly what you suggested. I send a care package each week with home baked goodies in them, a new movie and a couple letters each weeks. The thing with continuing this, is that IF he is cheating he is not welcome to come home and be in my life. If he is betraying me and putting this time and efforts on someone else, even a "friend" then I will not sit here kissing his a$$ and be the great supportive wife while he plays me like that. I know that isn't what all the others here think and do, but I am not interested in breaking up an affair and trying to rebuild our marriage. If I find out there is an affair, even an emotional one that hasn't gotten physical (which if there is one, is probably the case), our marriage is over. But on the other hand, if there isn't an affair and he is just confused about our marriage and future then I would like to do all I can to convince him that there is hope if he would decide to also try and work on this marriage. I didn't want to explain my stand before because I was afraid that the people on this board would then shun me and offer no help. I could really use some help in figuring out if an affair is going on and how to get my cell phone records and thought this would be a great source of info on that. Telling me to sit and wait for the next year and play the role of supporting wife and all, isn't going to help. I have been doing that and so far no change. I know if can take time, but if there is someone else getting in the way of that, I don't care to continue. I hope that makes sense and someone might still help me even though I don't want to recover from an affair if it is happening.

I called again and hopefully got the cell phone thing strighten out, but I have to wait again for them to mail me the phone call details. I am really struggling on the wait and wondering if my husband is cheating or not. He called this morning and left a couple of message while I was outside shoveling snow. I called him as soon as I got in and he didn't answer. He finally called back about a half an hour later and said he had been outside when I call. The thing is a can see how current minutes are used and it would appear that he was on the phone the entire time from when he called me and left a message to when he called again. So was he really on the line with someone else. I know this probably seems pitiful, how I am counting minutes and trying to conclude from them these things. It is just eatting me up inside not knowing. Also when he called and asked if I was still coming down. He does that all the time, why? Does he regret asking me and hoping I will change my mind? That was able all he said and then had to go, was like less than 5 minutes, but right before that could talk to someone for 30 minutes.

I don't seem to be getting much help or support here and figure it is because I am not the "normal" affair situation. But I could really use some feedback or just words from someone tonight. I really don't have anyone to talk about this with and I am struggling today. I slept the entire afternoon away and don't want to go to bed again tonight so depressed. Thanks for reading this.

I would assume he is cheating. All the signs are there. So you need to take good care of yourself and start Plan A.

When the affair ends, and they always do, you can rebuild your marriage.

believer - I basically have been doing a Plan A since November when he told he was moving out next Dec when he gets back from Afganistan. I wasn't doing it neccessarily as a plan A and didn't even consider he might be cheating till recently, but none the less what I was doing was all the plan A things and trying to get him to see that me/our marriage was worth working on. Now even if I would want to do the plan A and then if need plan B thing (I really think if I find out he is cheating I don't care to work on the marriage and wait for him to come to his senses), but if I did decided to do this how would the work. They say only do plan A for a short time. He is going to be gone for the next nine months, would I do plan A that whole time? It is really hard to sit around now wondering what he is up to I don't think I could do it for another nine months without really hurting myself. I already found myself sleeping all day tonight and don't want to go down that road of depression trying to win him back from someone else.

Hey lit1022,

You have to right to decide whether or not to rebuild your M or not.

Based on what you've shared with us, I believe that your H is involved in an A.

You've mentioned several times in your most recent posts that you don't want to rebuild if it "turns out" that he is, in fact, cheating... I respect your decision.

I would only suggest that regardless of how you feel at this moment, you MAY change your mind when you have all of the facts. You are in a uniques situation where your H is going to be deployed for 9 additional months... this will give you a great opportunity to work on yourself and do a long-distance Plan-A.

We are here to help you with whatever you decide...

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF - Thanks for replying. I know that you must have such limited time on the computer and really appreciate that you would try and help out a stranger. It probably seems like I am very stuck on the getting out of my marriage if he is cheating and well I am. How I proceed from here is so different depending on what is really going on with him and our marriage. That is why I constantly write about trying to figure out if he is cheating or not. Hopefully the cell phone records will shed the needed light. I should be able to review the call details from today in actually about a week and will look and see just who he was talking to today for 30 minutes. I guess I just don't know how to tell with all this. And thus my asking for help.

I am going to visit him for a week soon, after that he immediately leaves for Afganistan. If I do find evidence that he is cheating I still need to go and act like I don't know. Otherwise he could go and give someone else POA and leave me here without any control of our things. How will I be able to do that? I am already wondering if I am still the beneficary on this life insurance that he just recently started through the army. It just feels like I am losing control of everything right now. How do I cope?

Hey lit1022,

Thankfully, I'm in a job where I have access to a computer 24/7 and don't have to use the MWR to get on the computer...

You should ask your H for copies of his Emergency Data Sheet and his SGLI to add to the family records. He should be willing to provide you copies of these documents.

Be sweet and nice about it and just let him know that you're trying to get all of the family records in one place so you'll know where they are in case you need them...

Has he signed you up for Tri-Care yet? If not, make sure that he does that before he leaves as well... and also make sure that you and your kids have up-to-date ID cards!

Hang in there and think about what YOU really want... like I said earlier, the choice is up to you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF - You are lucky to have the computer connection so much. I know that on my husbands deployment to Iraq he could get to a computer tent almost everyday and it made it so much easier on me being able to talk to him so much and know that he was okay. I don't expect to get so lucky this time and his job is going to put him in much more danger this time, lets just hope the nine months go by quickly.

Thanks for the suggestions. I am all taken care of having an ID card and use my own insurance anyway, although I did just hear that we can use TriCare as secondary and it might cover doctor co-pays (didn't know that the first time around).

What do I want? Well other than the obvious that my husband isn't cheating and figures out he made a mistake telling me the marriage is over, well beyond that (and I know that is really dreaming) I just don't know right now. I think I know, but everything is so messed up and my emotions go to such extremes so often I just don't know. I guess I just need to now wait a few days for the cell phone records and see what they actually say.

Till then I am at least still trying to show my husband that I care. I am mailing a package tomorrow with a couple of new books, a movie, valentine's candy, card, and homemade cookies. Picking out the card was hard. I found one very simple with I Love you and happy valentine's day on it. Hopefully won't come across as too much and just let him know that I do still love him.

Thanks again for listening.

Hey lit1022,

Well, I would strongly recommend NOT making any quick decisions about anything...

Keep snooping and if you DO find evidence that your H is having an A... then take some time to really think about what you want to do.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Okay, I have been waiting for the last few months cell phone records. Finally got them yesterday and at first didn't think I found anything to worry about. My main concern was with who he was talking to the month (Oct) leading up to him telling me that our marriage was over. Thought he might have met someone and hence all that negative talk about our marriage and using many of the common phrases found here that waywards use. So no odd numbers that month, but I did find a landline number he started called the end of November (once) and called three times in December while still away at training and then called numerous times while home for a week over Christmas. All the calls while home actually corespond with many others that I am sure are to his army guys, but he did call the number a few times while still gone and can't wrap my head around that. This it is a landline, even if it is a army friend he wouldn't be calling it while they are gone. So, panick is starting to set it. I will hopefully be able to view the last months cell calls online within a few days, if that number is still being call and incoming well I can't work it anyway out, but that it is an OW. I found out the name of the women the phone number is registered to and that does freak me out that it is a female, but know that there could also be a guy that lives there as my old house phone was in my name and my husbands best friend's number comes up as his wife's. So although the knowledge does worry me, I can't conclude just from that she is the OM and not a girlfriend/wife of army buddy. My only hope right now is that he isn't still calling that number and that it is one of the guys house phone.

So what do I do now? How do I get through the next few days until I can find out if he is still calling this number? I know that to all of you the answer is that he is cheating, and I do really wonder at this point. But I don't know for sure yet and wonder how to cope right now with that fact I have some info that suggests he is cheating, but can't know for sure. The time period that he was withdrawal and taking about moving out was the beginning of Nov and these calls only really started in December, but it still could mean trouble. Please help me get through these few rough days (although if I find out he is cheating the rough days won't probably be just day, but weeks). Thanks for listening.

Hey lit1022,

Once your H gets over here, I suspect that his phone time and computer time will be VERY limited and he won't have nearly as much time to chat with the OW (if there is an OW).

I know that you are wanting to "KNOW" for sure if there is an OW or not, but I would also ask you to think about this:

If it turns out that there ISN'T an OW, what will you do?

The reason I ask this question is that you seem to have your mind made up that if there's an OW, that you are not going to even try to rebuild. That is completely within your rights and I'm not going to try and talk you out of it.

I would say that if there IS NOT an OW, that you would still need to do the exact same things in order to rebuild with your H.

Your H has told you that he wants to leave when he returns... he's told you that he's not in love with you...

You are basing your entire future on this "OW".... which may or may not be... but the real truth is that SOMETHING needs to be done whether there is an OW or not.

I'd focus my efforts on Plan-Aing your H while he's deployed... 9 months is a long time and you will have ample opportunity to work on a good long-distance Plan-A. If your H isn't having an A, then Plan-A will help. If he IS having an A, then Plan-A will help show your H that YOU are a better W than this OW fantasy...

Semper Fi,

RIF