I know the answer to this question but I feel like I still need to ask. My wife and I are in the process of trying to reconcile. It’s been about 5 weeks since I found out she was having an affair. I have told her that I forgive her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I truly do. Here is the problem/issue. We were high school sweethearts and have been married for close to 20 years. When I meet my wife I was a virgin but she was not. She had been with several other guys. I told myself on my wedding day that I would let that go, that I would no longer hold that against her because from today forward it would be just me. I have struggled with that once in awhile during our marriage (typically when we have issues with sex) but never used it against her. Now I am at this cross road again where I need to say, OK I will be the last guy going forward. How can I do that? How can I accept this? I know that this is 95% ego and pride, but there is a part of me that knows that I will never forgive myself for allowing her to get away with this. I want to move forward and get through this as quickly as I can so I can get back to being and feeling normal. The question is: I am beginning to feel like I need to even up the score. I am beginning to feel like I may need to stray. I love her and I know that this will only complicate and hurt her, but part of me just doesn’t care. I know that it is wrong and that there is a 99.99% chance that this could just set us up for failure, but my question is how do I overcome this feeling or has anyone else felt this way and gone out and evened up the score? Did it help, hurt???

I am NO EXPERT whatsoever.

IMHO - it would be wrong, it would injure your M, and your wife but most importantly yourself. I imagine your emotions are raw.

Just be still.. Listen to the vets on here and don't do anything....

Oh boy, do I know that feeling. My FWW and I were virgins when we met, she cheated while we were going out together, we decided to continue, we got M'd, and then she cheated again a few years ago.

I have not acted on the feeling. I don't think I ever will. Perhaps not even if my FWW gives me the OK to go ahead and even the score - which is likely going to happen just after blue elephants from the Artic complete their lunar landing sequence.

I had a ONS with an old friend. It made me feel HORRIBLE about myself for betraying my marriage vows. And the OM is no longer a friend - we had been good friends for about 15 years.

So I don't think it is a good idea. You might want to do some posting on Recovery. There are several men who are in exactly your position and are doing well.

Hey CRT. I understand what you're saying completely. I think the thing you need to realize is that all this that you're talking about: evening the score, playing the field a bit, etc, all this stuff is about YOU. Its about how you conduct yourself, how you get through the world. Talking about how your W did this, did that, whatever, it doesn't really matter does it? Did YOU break your marital vows? No. Do you respect yourself, honor your word, keep your promises? Yes. Why? Not just because of your W and what she does or doesn't do. Because of you, your beliefs, your integrity, YOUR honor, right? What she does or doesn't do can't change that, can it?

CRTLeader,

I would say this. Just be proud of the fact of your own purity before marriage. Hold that high and don't destroy that with making a worse mistake than she did. If she is faithful now, it doesn't matter. You made those vows to God the day you married. Be faithful to God. If there are other issues in your marrige, you definately came to right place. I wish I had know about this site before my wifes affair. You have an opportunity to stay pure and fix whatever is going bad in your marriage. Whether it's just your feelings or real problems. Hang on and read as much as you can here.

Good luck man.

What you are really seeking is JUST COMPENSATION to alleviate your RESENTMENT. Resentment is a natural response to abuse. But, sleeping with someone will not compensate you for your pain, and will not alleviate your resentment. It will only add more devastation and pain to an already painful situation. It will not ALLEVIATE, it will AGGRAVATE.

A better course of action is to ask her justly compensate you in specific ways that are productive to your CONSCIENCE and productive to your marriage. I will post more later, but here is an excellent article by Dr. Harley about how to appropriately alleviate those destructive feelings:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

It takes about 2 years to recover from adultery, btw. Your anger is not going to go away over night. You are SUPPOSED to feel angry right now, and it will likely get worse for a while. It is part and parcel of the recovery process.

OK, I understand what you are all saying. I don't have to lower myself in order to feel better. I should feel better that I didn't and have kept my vow. I can tell you that I get it but it may take awhile for it to really hit me. Thanks

Trust me! I totally understand your feelings. I still have thoughts like that. I almost made up my own affair just so she would feel the same hurt I did. But it probably wouldn't have had the impact I wanted it to. Hang in there. The pain is horrible. But there are so many people on here that are going or have gone through exactly what you are. The vets on here are terrific. Get ready for the rollercoaster and as someone put it, "don't get to high on the ups because there are always the crashes at the bottom." But do what they say and you will survive. I know I am surviving, but I'm not out of the woods yet either. This board has been a great help.

CRT,

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 18 months in, and sometimes the pain is as fresh as it was on d-day.

I wanted a revenge affair for a long, long time. I still do. Will I ever go through with it? Probably not, but having the desire is OK in my book. Once the WS cheats, the wedding vows you've already taken are null and void. There ARE no vows, because they have been destroyed.

I feel like I'm doing my W a huge favor every day that I'm not out carousing with some OW.

Wow, that's a tough situation. I know me personally, I would not tolerate cheating one bit. There is no excuse for cheating. And before I would cheat on someone, I would rather break off the relationship. Getting revenge is usually the first thing on people's minds, but if you know it will hurt her, then you would be best to stay away from that route, unless you're not worried about the possible consequences. You're in a really tough spot because if you do get even, you know you'll hurt her and you'll feel bad. If you don't get even, this will be a cloud over your head for a long time and it will only get worse. Good Luck to you.

One cannot get even for infidelity. It doesn't erase what your partner did ...it only cheapens your own character and morality.

edited .

What you would lose is far more valuable than what you would gain.

You would later regreat it. Regardless of the state or outcome of your M.

I edited it.

No, I don't just view women in a negative light, although it seems perfectly acceptable for a betrayed woman to view men in a negative light.

I'm not a sexist. Since d-day, I view the human race in a negative light. The vast majority of people are incapable of being faithful to the one person they are supposed to love the most. Those people are, to me, a waste of oxygen and space, men and women alike.

My hatred of them is probably the only thing that has kept me from becoming one of them.

yeah, it can be quite sexist around here at times.




I think that might be a bit off...but I get your point. I know you are angry...but there are good people out there that don't and wouldn't cheat Krazy. I agree the ones that are cheating are a waste of oxygen.

OT, but I'm curious. What kinds of terms do you have for the males in such situations? Are there any? Terms that describe them derogatorily for having sex, that is?

I don't use derogatory terms for single, promiscuous men or women. I don't care how many people singles sleep with, provided they are only sleeping with other single people.

Cheaters, on the other hand, get every word you can imagine thrown at them. I rarely use terms like "slut" and "******". Those relatively mild terms simply don't cut it. My hatred goes waaaaay beyond their sexual habits, right down to their soul.

I know what you're getting at, but I don't differentiate between male and female cheaters. They can all eat sh_t and die.

I believe in this motto:

"The best revenge is a life well lived".

So if you want to "even the score" with your W, don't do it by stooping to her level, which will only make you both "even" in being cheaters, hardly anything to strive for.

I'd say take the high road and live by your own values - and when you look back one day, you will do it with pride instead of with embarassment - you can't ask for a better reward than that, IMO.

AGG

Still curious, what do you consider the word skank to be, if not derogatory? Or were you referring to finding a married woman?

I'm serious. Do men really not feel that such terms are derogatory?