I'm new around here, but have been lurking for several months now as things in my marriage have deteriorated. Last spring my wife started to change her behavior, from working out more, to a new found interest in music, to hanging with a new group of friends from work. I met the OM on several occasions was able to watch their interactions wherin I felt quite awkward. Through the summer my wife hung out more, drank a bit more than in the past...basically regressed to a teenager in many ways. In Sept. she informed me that we needed to seperate because in order to "heal" our relationship....in other words she wanted space so she could "begin to appreciate and miss me". So while we've argued the relative merits of seperating for several months w/out focusing on the underlying problems things have gotten much worse....we kind of move around eachother in our house, we have 2 young daughters. We agreed (though I'm not sure I truly did) to seperate on weekends for a bit, while I was away on one of my "off" weekends, she mistakenly text messaged a girlfriend a fairly graphic message...when her friend wrote back "was this meant for me" she wrote back "oops sorry...just ignore it". I found out about it yesterday and I'm made to understand that OM and other ppl. were here over this past weekend for a Super Bowl party in my house that I wasn't invited to. Yet somewhere in the back of my mind I keep thinking there's no way...it's not in her nature to cheat etc. But it sure does feel like she is, and I'm crushed! Any thoughts? Am I paranoid, or am I on to something? Do I confront her? Do I not have enough evidence to confront her? So many questions!!! Thank you all in advance for any help you can offer.

Oh, I think you have enough red flags to sink a ship, sorry to say. I am pretty sure she is involved with someone.

Can you check her cellphone records, e-mails, etc? Just be prepared for what you might find, it can be very painful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

And don't ask or confront her until you get some evidence, or else she'll simply go deeper underground. Snoop first, ask questions later.

AGG

Cell phone hasn't yielded much in the past, and she barely touches the computer at home since I questioned things a few months back.
I know I should trust my gut....I was very close to confronting with the recent text deal, and the super party w/out me but w/ him, but not sure that's enough real evidence. I just don't want to take any longer either....

Hi Sad
Be glad you found MB so early on. The first few days after disclosure are critical and you will get tons of great support and advice here.

You can do a lot with what you have if you don't show your hand. My WH thought I had put a tracker on his phone just because I was able to guess where he was one day. He also thought I had access to all his text messages as I was able to pretty accurately guess what would be in them <barf>.

One thing I did do was search backups of his organiser for the OW's phone number. When her birthday and dress size (large) came up, I was home and dry. Then I just refused to be fobbed off with the WS talk of 'you are mad, you are crazy' until I started to get honest answers.

SDNY,

You are not paranoid ... your WW is in a full blown PA, which she has been attempting to hide from you.

Now, however, she is openly seeing the OM in the presence of other people in YOUR OWN HOME. She has now turned to "rubbing your face in it" and humiliating you.

1st you have to face the reality of the situation ... then you need a plan.

Now that you know she is having a PA ... are you inclined to recover the marriage to go straight to Plan D? ... and there is no right or wrong answer to this ... she made the choice to have an A, now its your turn to decide what action you want to take.

Based on your answer to this question ... there will be people here who will help you form a plan to either stop the A and recover the M or to help you formulate the best plan to achieve the best D settlement possible in your situation.

You Make the Call ...

End the "weekend separation" plan. If she wants to leave, let her leave. You stay home, with your kids. Document every instance of her being gone.

If you're like I was, and it sounds like you are since you've been in denial for quite awhile even though you have more than plenty circumstantial evidence, then you'll want undeniable proof. Work on getting that, a GPS tracker is a handy tool, as is a voice activated digital recorder. If you have a home phone line, put a recorder on it, home phones are great for adulterers because there is not detailed billing.

Study plan A, commit to making yourself a better husband. STOP talking to your WW about the marraige, its a futile waste of time and will be seen as a lovebuster by her.

Review the basic concepts and Plan A, get the proof you need to satisfy yourself.

What do you know about OM? How old are the kids?

I went around in circles for 10 months with pretty much the same sit. One minute I thought it was just me being paranoid, the next my gut was telling me something is way wrong. My gut was right. Ask yourself just this one question and you will have your answer...What would cause you to act? Answer...another women.

My wife flat out told me after months of questioning about her "feelings for someone else" and I still have a hard time believing it. As BH's i think we hold on to our own denial, no one wants to admit that this can be happening because it can and will forever change things, for the good hopefully. Just don't be a doormat. Plan A gives you the opportunity to fight for your M.

If her weekends are spent "separated" from you and your household, hire a PI, and get all the evidence you need in one quick weekend.

Often they will deny, even if caught red handed, and in MY case, not speaking for others, I had the damndest time proving to my W she was having an A. If I had it to do over, I would have hired the PI.

When you get the info, make duplicate copies of EVERYTHING, and keep the originals in a safe place, maybe your parents house. This will also make EXPOSURE to the OM's W, should he be married, more convincing.

Read and learn all you can from this website, and you'll have a reasonable chance of saving you marriage. It's a lot of work, and it takes a lot of time and effort. Are you ready to roll up your sleeves and get busy?

Welcome to a place none of us ever wanted to, or thought we would be.

A PI would probably get you all the evidence you need in a single weekend. But, it is certainly adultery.

How old are your daughters?

When you separate, where do the kids go?

Does she work with OM? Is he married?

Do you want to save your marriage?

SDNY: I am also sorry you are here. When I confronted my WH he did not deny - after my crying episode and he went to sleep - I searched phone records and text messages - to gather details of the EA - that eveneing I phoned her cell and her home. Spoke to her husband. He was in denial - said they quit talking two weeks ago - I was like sorry but they have not and WHY didn't you phne me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .

I phoned him back the next day - he and I quickly got on the same page. I asked him to have his wife phone me so I could confirm as many details as possible. She did. I aksed her to please leave my husband alone and I was as calm as calm could be - I was simply amazed at my behavior. I am praying that it will all end......

So if the OM has a wife - I would HIGHLY encourage exposing the affair....after you have your ducks in a row.

I wish you the best of luck. Know there are many people here who will help.......

Ah, the "separate and see if I miss you" gambit. A classic! No sane person legitimately doubting the health of her marriage does this, ever. Only women having affairs do this. And the result of the experiment is always the same: they do not miss their husbands.

I'm very sorry. Chin up, you've got a rough road ahead.

By the way, when there is a party in your house, you are always invited. No matter what happens do NOT leave your home.

Thanks all for your thoughts...to answer some of the questions. I have 2 daughters almost 2 and almost 4. I know and have met the OM on several occasions, including when he was with a "date". He has 1 daughter who is 11 with a long time girlfriend who the last time I checked was living with him. She had her suspicions last summer, and I'd love to talk to her again, but I don't know her last name. Yes, they work together.
The supposed point of the seperation was to keep things "normal" for the girls, so who ever is still here is with the girls...which means that...you guessed it, they were here for the Super Bowl soiree, but I wasn't.

I wrote a letter (short) yesterday to her in light of the text news, wherein I flat-out accuse her of cheating, and I'd really like to give it to her, but my gut tells me that it will be denied. However I'm not sure what more to do, I've tried the voice activated recording in the car, but that didn't give me much...most communication is done at her work, or via text.

I guess my new questions are...what do I do now? If I don't have enough to confront, then how do I act? Like "normal"? Also how much evidence is enough? Do I truly need a smoking gun?

thx.
SDNY

Evidence is overated. She can deny but you know she is having an affair. This needs to be exposed in her workplace.

No letters! Period.

I advocate the smoking gun approach. Others will have better advice on how to deal with confronting her over discovery.

Won't the cellular bill reveal at least the frequency of text messages?

I'd suggest you seek contact info and reach out to the girlfriend, but it sounds like you're not sure what the status of that relationship is.

You need to end the my weekend/your weekend policy. Separation does not help a struggling marriage. It defies all logic. Furthermore, a man whose wife is cheating should never, never abandon his home, not even on a part-time basis. I don't know the best way for you to bring this up with her, but put an end to the practice of leaving your house immediately. She doesn't need "space". Needing "space" is a myth, perpetuated by people who have affairs. Normal people don't need "space". Cheaters do.

GC

I am attempting to get a hold of her phone tonite (not that I expect to find much), will also find the cell bill ASAP. I have his # etc. any reason to contact him at this point?


SDNY

Get in contact with OM's GF. That is what broke the case for me.

You KNOW the truth. By the end of my sitch I had known the truth for months and finally with the help of intel provided by OM's GF I was able to get irrefutable evidence. By that point though I was pretty vocal in my beliefs about what was going on. I made no bones about the fact that I knew and didn't trust her. Still did my version of Plan A and all.

Anyhow, the proof, if you focus and spend a little energy on it, will not be too hard to prove. She's being very blatant about it by now, she either thinks you are stupid or is beginning to not care if you find out.

Again, thanks for your thoughts...I was unseccessful in getting my hands on her cell phone last night. For the life of me I have no idea where that thing goes at night! She either sleeps with it on her, or has the most amazing hiding place for it! Anyway, I've resolved to try to get in touch w/ his gfriend, and see what she says. Otherwise what's my next move? If I don't have enough to confront, do I act as if all is "normal"? How does one implement Plan A? Seems like fighting back a ton of pride, which to this point has been tough to do.

SDNY

Sad, Who's name is the cell phone under? Can you access the online statement?

Tap the house phone (for the weekend you will be gone), and real time GPS her car.

It won't take long to get what you need. The proof takes away any doubt you may have. Also her ability to lie, and she will try.

Never reveal your source.

-JKT

Unfortunately the cell phone acct. is in her name. I can only access the online statement pretaining to my # but not hers.

No reason to contact him right now SDNY, keep things super cool for the time being.

How can you find OM's GF's number? Any mutual friends? Do you know where she works? Lives? I just think that if you can get in touch with her it is going to accomplish several things for you. It will give you the proof you want. It will also accomplish exposure and throw a big wrench in fantasy A land.

Figure out how to find her. I bet you can get it through your WW's cell phone. My WW had OM's number listed under his GF's number to throw me off. Turned out that it put me on the trail though. Stupid WSs! If there's one thing I'm sure of, its that she'll make a mistake.