Hi everyone. Here is my story. I've been married for 4 years, we have two small girls. In 11/27/07 I found out H had something going on with coworker. He said I wasn't there for him and she was when his dad passed away. On 12/1/07 H sent kids and me to another state with my parents. He said he needed space.

On 12/07 I found out OW is getting divorced. H said we could return on Xmas Day then it was 1/08 and now he doesn't mention us returning back home. He said to be patient and needs time.

H barely calls and talks to me. I would like this marriage to work. But how if we are in different states and he doesn't want us to return back home.

I'am so hurt and heartbroken. I just bumped into this site and read about exposing the Affair. So am I really supposed to call his boss and tell him, and his coworkers too??? Then he will really dislike me.

Also how do I end all contact with him if he calls occasionally to see how our girls are. We havent seen H since 12/01/08. It seems that he has forgotten us already.
Please Help. Thankyou.

Me- age 27
Him- age 28
Got married- 09/03
Found out about OW- 11/27/07
living seperately- 12/01/07

Expose and reclaim your home. Take some mature persons with you who will help you reclaim your home. Check out your legal options.

Do a full background check on the OW. If she has been in your home, check to see if you can file an RO against her when you move back home. Your home has been invaded by vicious creatures who have no morals.

Check out your abandonment rights. If he has abandoned his family, make sure you file as such.

Secure your finances. Create your personal support group. Understand exposure is to put others on alert that your family is under attack.

Read Surviving an Affair (Harley) and Love must be Tough (Dobson). Learn about plan A & B. Call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling and he can help you create your plans.

Read the books 1st.

Time to get prepared and take action.

Sorry you have to do all this. See if your personal support group (children, parents, relatives, friends, doctor, MC/IC, neighbors, postman, anyone or anything that will help you) will help you while respecting your decisions. RE: You can't tell all to all so they will need to respect your decisions and you in turn s/b willing to hear out their POVs and info.

JMHO,
L.

If you want to work on your marriage, pack up the kids and move back home. Don't ask your husband if you can move home. Just do it.

Expose to his work. Yes, he will be furious, but he'll get over it. Your marriage can survive a temper tantrum, but it can't survive an affair.

Also expose to his family and friends...anyone who may help support your marriage.

Expose to the OW's STBXH and her family, as well.

Read up on Plan A. Work it for several months. Stand up for yourself, but don't lovebust. Try to remain as calm as possible and learn not to REact to any carp he dishes out, but to ACT.

Take care of yourself and your children. Do things to make yourself feel better.

When you get to the point where you can't plan A any longer and the affair is still going on, you will need to go to Plan B after careful preparqtion for it. But, do not move out of your house. He's the one who is cheating, so he should be the one to leave.

Is he supporting you and your children? How are you doing, financially?

Thanks you two. I suppose I have several reasons on why kids and I haven't returned to Fl where H is. One being that I don't know anyone over there. Right now we are at my parents in TX. I have my support system here. I can't even afford tickets right now to go back. And my family won't let me borrow any $ to go back to someone who is cheating on me. Also, noone not even my family will go with us to see my H. Who knows that OW might already be at our apt with my H. He had told me not to show up unannounced at the door.

I will definetly get a copy of surviving an affair. Thanks.

Fl is a no fault st so I can't file abandonment. Here in Tx(no fault st) I would have to be here for 6 mos to file for child custody.

Its going to be really tough to expose my H at his work. He works for the govt on base and so does the OW. I don't know who to talk to. I have H wk # but he usually answers the phone. I will have to figure something out....oh I don't know if i have the courage to do that.

I will start on plan A ASAP. I really do need to stop worrying so much, but how? What to do about this situation?

Please Help.

Hi Faith10,

Welcome to MB... and I'm sorry that you 'need' to be here.

Is your H in the military??? If so, a quick call to his CO explaining your situation to him will definitely help.

You're getting some good advice, so start reading and come back and post any questions that you have. There are some great people here that will help you come up with a plan...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Faith10 - pretty much what the others said.

Even if your WH is not military - if he is a DoD civilian or even a contractor - a call to the CO can help. At least at the base I work at, the CO loves to eat civilians for breakfast. If they're both military then it will work especially well.

If he's a government employee, call the base security officer. If he is a contractor, call the security officer for the contracting company. You can stir up a lot of hassle for him this way. Also contact his immediate supervisor if you can.

Faith 10
I know this is going to be tough but above all else
you have to get your and your girls back home and
make a stand to fight this affair, don’t worry about
him being mad waywards say and do crazy things
Go home and upset their fantasy burst their bubble
never ever tell him your plans just do them, once
your home follow all the great advice you have
been given by the above folk, we’re all routing for
you. Take care and give it your all.

Faith. I have a question for you. Has your H ever been physically abusive?

If the answer is "no" you need to get home. The others here have given you great advice...but there is something in your words that raised the red flag of abuse for me.

Good luck.

Bitbucket made a statement that I think needs a little clarification. Calling his CO or security officer could stir up a lot of hassle for him, but the point is to stir up trouble for the affair. It isn't about punishment but about taking a proactive stance and doing something specifically designed to exploit a chink in the fantasy of the affair.

And he won't be angry. He'll be livid! That is because you will be messing around with his fantasy and bringing a dose of reality to it. And that, dear lady, is exactly what needs to happen.

But be sure to weigh MDEC's question to you first, because if your answer to his question is "yes" rather than "no" then some of the advice you get needs to change to ensure your safety and that of your children.

I think the red flag is that he 'sent' the family away, and also that he blamed the affair on the OP, and she did nothing to refute that. Why does he have the right to do that? Most likely, it's because the OP is submissive in the relationship. So I second the question about abuse. Even if it's mental abuse, you need to be careful.

If that's the case, you need to be working on your self-esteem, to learn that you are ok on your own and if you do go back to him, it needs to be on YOUR terms, not his. He is the one who wrecked the marriage, not you. Therefore, HE is the one who needs to ask forgiveness or at the very least take steps to make up for what he did.

My gut tells me he just wants away from you; you're no fun any more; kids are a hassle, and why should a healthy guy in his 20s have to settle for a family weighing him down, when there are women all around ready and willing to give him SF whenever he wants it? Is that about right?

Are you working? Can you get a part time job and start saving the money so you can pay to get back home?

Mark, thanks for clearing that up. That's exactly what I meant to say, but my brain-keyboard interface wasn't working too well at 0400. Wish the baby would get back to sleeping all night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

faith10, I am very sorry you are here, but I see your behavior as a big part of the problem. You are a grown woman, yet you are acting like a KID. You should not have left your home, that only enables his affair. That is your home and you should GO THERE. You can't very well save your marriage if you are hiding out at mommy and daddys.

Your kids need for you to GROW UP and take charge of this situation. Take your credit card, or get one, and make plane reservations and get yourself HOME. That is YOUR HOME, you are an ADULT, and you most certainly don't need "permission" to go there. This is your HUSBAND, not your poppa daddy.

Go home and start standing up for your marriage, Faith10. It is time to grow up.

How did he send you away? Why did you leave your home?

Why are you afraid to expose the affair at his work? Does he get violent when he's angry?

how old are the children.....

do you have any support he lives..

there is something insidiously evil about completely abandoning daughters for greater than two months...

tread carefully no sudden acts..

ark

Thanks everyone. RIF and bitbucket I had no idea that I could call someone on base. What is the CO? My H is a Dod civilian and I think the OW is too. So calling the CO wouldn't be vengeful of me? Also how do I get CO's number?

My husband doesn't have a history of physical abuse. However there have been a few instances where something happened. The last time was about a year ago when I was pregnant.

The reason I left was that H said he needed space. He said that he would get tickets for us to go back to FL by XMAS. Unfortunetely I believed him. I really thought that the kids and I would have been back before or by 01/08. Call me naive but it didn't even occur that kids and I would be at my parents this long.

The past 4 years I have been a SAHM. Before that I was in the military and after I quit working my self esteem did suffer. So I probably have been submissive and yes I probably do need to grow up. Just need some help.

So as of right now I cant get tickets. I just found a part time job. And I can't use my credit cards cause they are maxed out. Also, my credit has gone down the drain because husband has been paying credit cards late, etc.

Ok, H and I have a joint account. But usually there is nothing in there. I don't know what he does with all the money. (Ok maybe I do have a clue - OW?) Like today I tried to buy necessities for girls and debit card was denied. Thankgoodness he gets paid tomorrow. I will have to take some money out before its all gone!

H and I have a 4 yr old and a baby. The older one sees what has gone on. The baby doesn't so thats good.

Anymore advice is welcome.

"My husband doesn't have a history of physical abuse. However there have been a few instances where something happened. The last time was about a year ago when I was pregnant."

Hope you can afford counseling. And please see if you can get an attorney in WHATEVER state and file for child support. Since hubby is a DOD civilian, you will be sure to get that.


The affair will end, and he is likely to want you back, but please work on yourself so you make wise choices.

Commanding officer; the person who runs the base. You were in the military so I'm surprised you don't recognize this.


Google for the name of the base. For example, if you google for 'pensacola nas', one of the sites that comes up is http://www.naspensacola.navy.mil. If it's an army base, it will be army.mil, if it's an air force base it'll be af.mil, and marine corps bases will be usmc.mil.

Either the CO or the ED (executive director) will work for starters. The ED is the civilian counterpart to the commanding officer. Some bases will have a telephone directory listing right on their web site; if you find one look for 'executive director', 'commanding officer', 'office of the commander', and so on.


Can you elaborate please? Did he hit you when you were pregnant? What happened during these few instances?

I would also like to clarify something myself. I found out about the OW back in 11/27/07 because I had checked our cell phone records. There was at least 20 pages worth of calls to and from a strange number. Then I called him at work and confronted him. He said he met her at work, but that he hadn't cheated yet. When I got to Tx, I saw that H was still calling OW. I told him to stop communication with her. Instead H got a new cell phone number with a different provider. So now I can't see who he calls anymore.

I have asked him about 3 times if he has cheated. And I get no response. He won't tell me. I asked H if he was still talking to OW and he told me "don't worry about it." So do I really call the CO on base and tell them that H is having an affair?

I might feel guilty if I do that. Does it really work to expose? I just want to do whatever I can to save my marriage. But I also know that things may not go as I would like them too.

Thanks believer. I think that I'am going to try some counseling. I feel that I have just made so many mistakes. Hopefully you are right and I can start making wise choises.

Thanks bitbucket for the info. And to answer your question no my H didn't hit me while pregnant. He hit the wall next to me and threw some stuff.

Hi Faith10,

Ok, your H is a DOD Civilian. If you know what agency he works for, most government agencies have a web site where you can look for his SUPERVIOSOR's contact information.

Another good source would be the local Civilian Personnel Administration Center (CPAC). Also, most government agencies have a legal department as well.

One of the most important reasons for exposing the A is to help bring it to an end. An A won't stand up to the light of the truth. You don't expose to "punish" your H or the OW... you expose to END THE AFFAIR.

Your H is legally bound to support you and the kids. He might think that "sending you away to your mom's" will cover this, but it is HIS responsibility to provide for you.

You should NOT feel guilty for exposing the A. Any job loss or repremands that you H might experience are not due to the exposure... they will be because of HIS decision to have an A. Period.

Keep posting and let us know how we can help...

Semper Fi,

RIF