Hello everyone. I have been reading this site since I found out about my partner's affair three weeks ago. We have known each other for nine years and have lived together, with my daughter, for seven. I am originally from NY and he from PA. We bought a house here in PA and have made a really good life for ourselves. We have made great friends and have fantastic neighbors. My partner (we are not married, except maybe common law) has a high profile job in our community and we are well known and liked.

It was at a business week-long convention that he started the affair October of '07. He started showing all the classic signs but whenever I asked he would tell me nothing was wrong. Three weeks ago I uncovered the affair because of the text messages between him and this woman. When I confronted him he denied that it was sexual and they were just really good friends. I immediately found the woman's address and made myself known to her. I threw him out and he has been staying with friends. The woman and he have kept in contact via work email because he is so devastated and she fears he may harm himself! She is on her third marriage.

After looking through his computer I discovered a secret facebook account and another woman whom he met through mutual friends. He was presenting himself as being single and ready and willing for a good time. I contacted the woman and she was devastated to hear that he was in a relationship and very greatful that they never had the oportunity to get together. She immediately removed herself from his facebook. When I confronted him with this he laughed it off and said that it was nothing, just inocent fun. In the mean time he broke it off with the woman from work.

Last Sunday he came back to talk to me after I told him about this site. He brought two copies of Dr. Harley's book 'His Needs Her Needs', one for me, one for him. He said that if we were going to make this work we needed to be together and that he would move back in and take the spare bedroom. I again asked him if the affair he'd been having for the past three months with the woman from work was sexual and he again swore that it was not. He then went on to tell me that when he had gone to see our medical doctor in November '07, he had told the doctor that he was not able to get an erection (we had not had sex for a while due to other issues;his finances and his family). The blood tests came back normal and the doctor told him that it was 'in his head' and 'it was lack of use'. He was crying and really remorseful for the pain he has caused me. We made love and decided that he would come back to stay on Friday. The reason for this was that he was leaving the next day Monday,for another week-long conference, and guess who was going to be there! To assure me that he was following the book and wanted to make it good for us again he booked himself in a different hotel from where everyone was staying. I really love this man and felt that we could really put all of this behind us.

The next day, Monday, I had a doctor's appointment with our doctor so I told him what my partner had said. The doctor was not amussed, it was all a lie. As soon as I got home I emailed him and told him that I knew he was still lying and had he used protection when he had sex with her. He said no. He then went on to tell me that he had lied about the sex because he didn't want to cause me any more pain! I contacted his secretary and she told me he had also told her that it had been a platonic relationship and he couldn't understand why I wouldn't believe him. He has told this same story to our friends with whom he is staying. I am scheduled for STD/HIV testing this Friday.

Last night I could not sleep. I got up and went looking around his computer again. After some digging I came across his porn file. I've always known that he's had some pictures put away somewhere in there but I was not at all prepared for what else I found. Many of the pictures were of homosexsual porn! I phoned him and asked him about it and he could not say anything, I asked if he has been engaging in homosexsual sex as well and he said absolutely not! How can I believe him?! I've asked him to come over tomorrow because I want to know EVERY THING. He said he doesn't understand why I would want to do that when it is only going to cause me more pain and that's the last thing he wants to do to me. I have insisted that he tell me for my own sanity and he will be here tomorrow afternoon.

I feel I am loosing my mind! Who is this man? What can I believe? Today I had as close to a total breakdown as I could get under medication. Please advice me. I am in too much pain.

What should I do? multiple choice
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you have found us. Yikes, the homosexual stuff is scarey. It's good that you are getting tested.

Is there a reason you never married?

Hi believer. When we met I had been widowed for two years and my daughter was going on ten. The relationship was very hard on my daughter at first, she didn't want to share her mommy! After we moved to PA his family was not pleased with his choice of partner, his mother had already someone else in mind for him! They put a lot of strain on our relationship and my partner handdled it very badly. I have no contact with his family and what little contact he has with them he hides from me. Marriage just did not seem like the right thing to do.

I forgot to mention that I have exposed the affair to the other woman's husband, our friends, neighbors, and his boss. I don't know that he knows yet about his boss knowing. When I first told my daughter about the affair she was devastated. She is attending college in NY so she has not had to witness my breakdown, but she is so worried about me she wants to transfer to a local school to be closer to me.

Please, I need advice. How do I believe anything he says to me? What should be the ground rules when he comes to talk this afternoon?

Boken,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. This is a great resource for betrayed spouses. This message board is a support group for me....LOL

How much have you read on this site? You need to read the basic concepts. Read about plan A and plan B. His needs Her needs is great... Also get Surviving an Affair. Watch the video about infidelity on this web site. read read read.

Here's a great link for Plan A. It's called the carrot and the stick of plan A by Pepperband. Read the whole thing.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

BTW...
I'm in PA too...

shhhhh....

Hello Amazin,

This site and the anti-depressants are all that have kept me together, though I must admit that I had a total breakdown on Saturday!

I read the site several times a day, and night. I have watched the video which is how I introduced my partner to the site. I believe we are well beyond plan A. He has just been incapable of being truthful about anything. Every time he opens his mouth is to lie, to cover a previous lie, to cover another lie ...... and when I confront him with the truth his responce is always the same "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you."

Plan B is where I am trying to be right now but it is very difficult for practical reasons. I don't drive and can't drive due to an injury to my knee. Right now my neighbors, friends, and car service are my means of transportation, but there are times, like when I need to get to NY to my daughter's, or doctors, when I am stuck.

He did not come yesterday to put it all out in the open as he said he would because he decided to spend some more time with his grandfather in NC. I don't even believe that he was in NC! If I can't believe anything he says, how are we going to fix this? If he has lied to me about everything, to the point where he has put my health at risk, how can I take him back?

I am in so much pain and despair, I don't know what to do. And what about the homosexsual porn, what in God's name is that all about? My daughter and I have shared our lives with this man for nine years and suddenly he is someone we know nothing about! I can't function, I can't breathe. I want to tear at my skin to wake myself up because I must be dreaming!

Went to therapy today. The doc. doubled my anti-depressants. I brought the therapist up to date and he feels very strongly that I should not allow SO back any time soon, if at all. He said that my SO is addicted to internet porn and that is what drove him to have the A. He told me to think of him as an addict/alcoholic and realize that there is nothing I can do for him and that he is the one who needs to want to do something for himself.

God make it stop!!! My head can't take much more!

I understand...

My wife is an alchoholic who's having an affair right now... I've gotten lots of good advice here and one of the things they've said is that she has to hit bottom before she will realize that she has a problem.

You are absolutly correct... You can't do anything for him... He's going to have to figure it out for himself. And he may have to hit bottom before he does. If he's lucky you'll still be around for him...

SO came over yesterday and we talked for quite a while. I told him that I need to know EVERYTHING for my own peace of mind and to be able to make the right decisions for myself and our relationship. Talk about a caged animal! He flat out refused to tell me anything claiming that he needs advice from some one else on whether he should or not! He said he needs to talk with our attorney or a councelor about it because he has already made so many mistakes he doesn't want to make another one! I couldn't believe my ears. He is supposed to be putting it all out in the open but not before he gets council on what to say?! Am I missing something here???

He is absolutely furious that I have exposed the A, and used that as another excuse for not telling all. He said he is affraid I am going to tell what ever he tells me to the OWH and every one else I've exposed it to.

Can some one help me here? What is going on? The affair is out in the open, I've already exposed it to the OWH, our friends, his secretary, his boss. What is he so afraid of?

Perhaps that's not his only A.

Perhaps there's other infidelity involved.

Well, OS was just here and he told me that he spoke with an attorney who adviced him not to say a word. He now tells me that he is not sure any more if he wants to reconcile or go our separate ways. He wants the weekend to think about it and he will give me an answer on Monday.

Is this fair to me? And if he says he wants to reconcile, how can we reconcile if he refuses to come clean? He says that because I exposed the affair he is afraid of what I will do with any new information he may give me.

Please help. Nine years of my life are going down the drain right before my eyes and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. He has been holding all the cards all along and I just keep sinking further and further into despair. What can I do?

Brokin,

My advice, put down the cards you are holding and get a new deck. Seriously, the man has been lying to you for years so what you THINK is a relationship is a fantasy. I know this hurts but real relationships are based on truth and facts, you have little of either. I would also recommend you seek legal counsel as to your rights at this point. If nothing else you should protect yourself from his bullying or BS no matter what HE decides.

Please protect yourself.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you so much JL! You are absolutely right, this has not been a relationship at all, ever.

I have sought legal counsel and he is very upset about it because the attorney is a shark whom he has known all his life, and the last thing he wants is for this attorney to see him for the lying cheat that he is. As a matter of fact, I called the attorney right after the OS left today and told him what he had said and the attorney was flabbergasted that the OS would seek legal council when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Another thing the OS did yesterday was to call my therapist and tell him that I was suicidal! He says he did it because he was concerned about my present state of mind. My therapist knows full well what my state of mind is and his advice when he called me last night was not to let the OS near me.

Thank you so much for your tough love, I need that right now because as we all know who are going through this, it is not just one day at a time, it is a moment, a minute at a time.

Sorry about that, I meant to say SO.

Brokin,

I was deslyexic, so OS/SO works just fine with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You said in an earlier post that marriage just didn't seem the right thing to do in your situation.

Now really really think about that statement. It was a clue, a big clue, and frankly I think you have known subconsciously that there landmines in this relationship all along. It is just hard to admit that YOU WERE RIGHT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You were then and I think you are now. Given what your SO said to your counselor, I think you would be well advised to move on, although I am sure it will be very difficult for you.

Being a Widow at such a young age must have been very very hard on you, and I am sure your SO filled some deep wounds and needs within you, but given all of that you knew that he really wasn't marriage material didn't you? Your daughter apparently also had some feelings along those lines as well.

It would have been nice if your concerns were unfounded, but apparently they are not. So given that you are young still (giving you a clue how old I am <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ) please consider your options carefully and do rely on your counsel to help you as well.

I know this is painful, but pay close attention to the data, no how you feel but the data in this situation. I would also like to encourage you to read the articles on this site and yes even some of the posts. There is lots to learn here and what you learn will help you in any relationship either the current one or one in the future if that is how this works out.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

How wise you are JL! You are absolutely right about every thing.

When the pain starts to build up, I make myself think of the 'data' and not let the emotions take hold of me, if I do it's all over and I fall apart. I can't allow that, it is too unbearable!

I still torment myself with questions, is that a gender thing? Why did he show up with Dr. Harley's books for us to read? Why did he insist that he wanted nothing more than to make it right again for us? I feel so stupid and so used!

I read this site and everything in it every day. It has been my salvation, my sanity. The support and input from people like you and the others who have responded has been a life line for me. I have a very difficult road ahead of me and I hope I can count on all of your support in this amazing community to help me through it.

If you were not married, how are the attornies coming into the picture?

We have joint ownership of the house which is why I went to the attorney. He went to an attorney to find out if he should tell me all about his A and whatever else he may be hiding!!!

Brokeinpa,

Just a question. Is your goal to someday be married and have a life partner who loves and cherishes you?

Or is it to have someone around that can support you emotionally but who you are not legally tied to?

Neither option is bad, but which option you want will make a huge difference in your "what if" game. As they say in the old John Wayne movies, your are "burning daylight" if your goal is the first and you remain with this man who you have already determined was NOT marriage material. You are not if your goal is the second choice.

He may be sincere in wanting to rebuild your relationship with him. Or he may be afraid to be alone and simply want something familiar to stay with. I have no idea. What I do know for sure is that your choices and decisions will become much more straight forward once YOUR GOALS for you life are evaluated and determined by you. Then the data can be accurately used to make a decisions.

This is NOT crying time, this is an OPPORTUNITY to set your course in your life. You have been handed an OPPORTUNITY and you are at a branch point in your life. The correct answer lies in your goals and hopes for the future.

I cannot tell you which decision is the correct one. I can tell you the best one lies in the choice that is most consistent with your goals in life. We all reach branch points in our life, and the best we can do is make a decision that is best for us at the time. There is no need for "woulda, coulda, shoulda" if you will sit down and really examine what YOU want in your life and what YOUR goals are. You made a choice to reside with SO years ago. It seems it was the best decision you could make then. Now you face another branch point and the best decision may or may not the same one you made years ago. You have grown, you have changed, your daughter is in college, and your view of life is no doubt changed. The same can be said for your SO.

What I am telling you is that this is SIMPLE, but it is NOT EASY. If you are interested I will post one of my favorite jokes about this. But for now, just remember it is simple, but it will NOT be easy. You control this, your choices are yours to make, and this more than anything you can take away from what I have said is an OPPORTUNITY. Don't waste it, but rather relish it.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

All I have ever wanted is a companion to share my life with, to grow old with. Whether we are married or not has never been an issue for me. As long as we respect, love, and honor each other, I am content.

SO and I built a life together both here and in NY. We share the same friends, we participate in the same hobbies, and until the A, we shared the same values. He would often tell me that he could never see himself with anyone else, that I completed him.

Yes there were problems, the most damaging came from his parents and sister and the SO's mishandling of that situation. There were also financial issues due to the SO's inability to manage his money. But, he was really good around the house, he was very good with me after my knee surgery developed complications, we worked on our house until it became just what we wanted, we entertained a lot and everyone always remarked on how comfortable and warm they felt in our home, we would make each other laugh until it hurt, we loved to go on road trips with no set destination just to see what we would find. At night he would lay on his side and I would throw my leg over him and spoon with him holding my hand.

We had planned on working on our issues after my daughter left for college and regaining the things that we had lost in the relationship. My hurt and my despair is that he chose to have the A instead, while leading me to believe that we were good and had a great future ahead of us.

I always told him that if either one of us ever felt they wanted out of the relationship that we would tell the other and treat each other with respect, he always agreed. Never, never, in a million years would I have so much as thought that he would cheat on me, that he would cause me this unbearable pain, that he would make love to me knowing he had been having unprotected sex with her, that he would disrespect and humiliate me so.

Today has been a very bad day for me. I have cried a lot, I can't remember the last time I ate. I know this is an opportunity for a fresh start, but at the moment, I can't get past the pain and the thoughts that he is still in contact with OMW and pouring his heart out to her.

I would love to read your joke!