This morning I made sure and let her know that I noticed and appreciate how she has put more effort into the housework the last couple of days. I know it will come up again as most common issues do in most marriages, but when it does I'll be more prepared and will have better tools to deal with it.

GREAT! However I do agree with
Just a little feedback from a SAHM on this comment. I don't know if you actually said this or are just paraphrasing so this is only if this is actually how you said it.I would take this as a negative. By saying she is putting more effort it reads she wasn't putting in enough effort before. Instead it would be more helpful to just say "Honey you are doing a great job, thanks for making my life easier."

This is also great advice!

All you have to do is say, "Honey this clutter is frustrating me so I am going to deal with it now. Would you make my supper or do one of my other chores while I organize?" You do other chores around the house--just trade one off.

Rhindle also notice ALL the things your W does, not just this one issue. Once you start REALLY noticing, paying attention, committing it to memory, commenting, you'll realize in the grand scheme of things she's a GREAT spouse. Also the more she's appreciated,the better she'll feel about your relationship, and you will too. I promise! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You've gotten some good advise. From what you've said you realize that and will put into action! ATTA Boy!

You've also commented that there is some advice, posts, whatever that you don't particularly care for. As you know with an open forum you get all degrees of opinions. It's great that you are seeking advice, I admire that in a person, BUT IF I were you I wouldn't argue your point with someone. Take what is helpful, ignore what won't work for you. All the folks that have posted to you are good and kind people. Some advise just doesn't work for all.

Good luck on your journey. And please do read the articles and books available here. They can improve a M so much it's unbelievable, IF you follow the plan the Harley's lay out.

I'll check back to see how things are going for you.

If this is the case then I truly cannot win. I told her that I noticed how much cleaner things have been in the last few days since this incident occurred and she thanked me for recognizing her efforts, I hugged her and told her Happy Valentine's day. How this could be taken as a negative is beyond me, but I'm glad my wife does not share your feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Which was exactly what this whole thing is about. Should I pretend it didn't happen? What good does that do?


Why? So she doesn't have to hear that she may not have been doing as great of a job before? That is life. She knows she wasn't. Now I know why she wasn't and we came to an understanding. She is feeling better now, finished with her time consuming project and she is spending more time on the housework and everyone is happy. I'm happy that the house is cleaner and she is happy that I'm acknowledging her efforts and reinforced that this incident was a learning and growing process. Are you the type that think they shouldn't keep score in little kids sports so no one loses? You learn from your mistakes. If you go through life and everyone treats you like you've never made a mistake or have fallen short then you'll have much bigger problems down the road.



I agree this is great!


Amen!


Well put.


I'm studying for a technical certification exam that is an 8 hour lab of hands on with the equipment. It is extremely demanding and expensive to take and requires expert level knowledge about the equipment and configuration. It's has been and will be taking a big bite out of our family time. This is part of this recent problem too. Since I haven't been home I'm not as in tune with what is going and and didn't realize the load my wife was bearing that week. If I would have I never would have started this thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Yup, she enjoys photography and children so she was a shoe in for it. It will also get her known in the school for a future job even she mentioned. I do support it and wish I had communicated better with her last week as I was not happy with the amount of time she was spending on it (literally 8 hours a day) and of course not taking care of her other responsibilities. If I had known the details of what was going on I wouldn't be here typing today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This contributes nothing to the conversation.

Ahhhh, rhin, I got your attention. Go watch Oprah...ha ha ha...I don't get the chance to watch T.V.

Enough women on this post have stated that your "message" has a certain bent to it. If you would take away anythimg from whats typed on here, maybe you would look inside yourself.

Being too close to the trees to see the forest rhin. I really am in the same "camp" as you when it comes to the cleanliness thing...just that it seems you choose not to see that.

My statements come from many agrguements, tears, discussions about exactly how annoying it is to want order, and not have it.

You are easily offended and agitated. I was able to get under your skin quite easily. My guess is you come across the same way to your wife.

Creating an atmosphere of harmony, GENUINE respect, and understanding of what prompts the ones we love to hear us, and hopefully comply to at least SOME of our wishes requires a level of kindness, empathy, and the ability to ...what did the person above say? Not sweat the small stuff.


Housework?... very small stuff dude.

Terminally ill child/loved one..a biggie. Death of someone you love? Big one. Loss of a friendship, or a marriage? Big one.

Rhin, I have no agenda with you, or your issue.Catagorically women are relagated to the grunt work in life, even you, oh enlightened one, must know this. Catagorically, men have been relegated to the responsibility of financial support provider.

Get the kids involved. A 5 year old is quite capable of doing many things. Set an example. Lead by example. Be the good, kind, fair man you seem to tell us you are.

Take a different tack. Your W is a person, not an appliance.
Re-read this in a couple of weeks. If you have a sister, have her read this. You do come off like a caveman.

And, to answer your quip about me appreciating my hubby?

You should be so lucky to have me as a friend or wife. Why? I care about what makes him happy...I know how much compromise is required to keep a marriage happy.

I forgave his affair, and a lot of other painful, hurtful things. I don't hold it over his head, I really, really show him just how much I love him...by prioritizing my needs and desires, and balancing what I want and need, to what he wants and needs.

POJA. I don't think you read it.

And, I am not lonely, well sometimes, but with 3 jobs, I wish I had more alone time. Assuming we all watch Oprah? You think I am the "typical" female?

I run heavy equipment rhin. I also run the construction company I work for. I spent most of last summer on a huge site job, digging and installing drainage.I oversee 18 MALE workers..I am a tiny little thing, and I have to deal with the male animal everyday. Had to work twice as hard to get half the pay and recognition. Do I come off as somewhat of a feminist? You betcha. A spade is a flat shovel...

Anyway, peace be with you. I wish you godspeed on your endeavors.

I commented on this earlier, but I would agree that moving forward this is the best way to go. It's just since this incident just happened I said it the way I did and my wife had no problem with it.


After reading how pieta started her reply I pretty much blew off everything else including this. It may be good advice, but people will be less likely to take it when they attack you.


I KNOW she is a great spouse contrary what many here seem to believe. What God put together let no man separate... I do need to show her more appreciation about everything and will take your word that things will only improve. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Woohoo! I have indeed gotten a lot of good advice between a lot of garbage as well, but the advice I've gotten is excellent!


You're right and I really showed my @ss here a few times when I should have just ignored them. I've been spending more time crafting responses to the haters than I should be. I will just ignore them from this point forward.

I like your attitude. Any man would listen to this kind of advice presented in this manner. Some of you other ladies should take note. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Thank you and I will. I've read a lot of the stuff here in the past and didn't even realize it! This place is an excellent resource!

I'm glad things have worked out for you, and that you and your W will communicate more openly based on what you've learned at MB.

I would like to say just one thing, about:

I don't know if you really believe that those of us who called you out on your attitude truly hate you, but I hope that is not true. Because (1) I'm pretty sure no one who comes here has any reason to get that emotionally invested in another poster. Those who posted opinions that you designate as 'hating' you were trying to get you to look at your situation from another viewpoint. Period. You chose not to do that, your right. But there's no hatred around here. Dismay that you're not willing to address the issue, but no hatred.

And (2) I worry that you might do this in real life - assign people into labels - when they take you to task. My H does this, and it can create quite a maelstrom, especially when he does so undeservingly. Anyone who questions him automatically becomes a suspect themselves. Usually based on no valid reason, except that he's trying to deflect any ill thoughts of him onto someone else. Just today, I had to ask him about something he offered to do 2 weeks ago and still hasn't done, but instead of owning up to it, he brings out half a dozen reasons the other people involved are screwing up, immoral, or doing something illegal. Just because he doesn't want to consider or admit that he might be at fault.

I'm not saying you're doing that. Just that it might apply. If so, you might want to think about what it gets you. In my H's case, it just keeps him being angry and vindictive and in a generally bad mood all the time, based out of his shame. If he would just stop and admit his fault once in a while, get it over with - much like a teenager caught smoking a cigarette - it would be over with.

JMO

Why would you feel attacked? Did I say something hurtful or disrespectful? I was just trying to make a point and tell the truth as I see it: that there is always more than one way of looking at everything and quite often those ways are at extreme poles.

Some people like vanilla and some chocolate. If my H kept on forgetting to buy the vanilla, I'd stop at the market and get some for myself. I wouldn't let this kind of nonsense rent all this space in my head. It's just ice cream. If I found myself making more of it, I would have to be honest and ask myself WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON HERE???

Obviously your wife does not have the same view of clutter as you do and I do--that it frustrates the crap out of us--or she would take care of it, no matter how overwhelmed she was, she would find a way. Does that make her wrong and us right? Of course not. She has other priorities where her time is concerned.

My H was a SAHD for five years with our third child. If I had a choice between him doing ANYTHING around the house or reading to the child, I would choose reading. That is my priority...but I was not the one home with her. I could respectfully let him know that I hoped he would read to her because it was my priority--but to criticize and judge his priorities or demand that they be the same as mine simply because I was the breadwinner is disrespectful. So I just read to her myself when I came home. I made that my number one priority.

Rhindle,I'm glad you are paying attention!

I like your attitude. Any man would listen to this kind of advice presented in this manner.

Thank you for the compliement, HOWEVER it comes from alot of hardship, trial and error and heeding great advice.

Now a bit of a 2x4....as a learning experience.... Some of you other ladies should take note.

NOT NECESSARY to say. Learn to stop when you are ahead! IMO that is just asking to be bit on the butt!

Keep up your GOOD work, and learn from here.

That's why I posted here because I know there are those of you out there with MUCH more experience than me!


Yes, that was really unnecessary and I suppose I keep throwing gas on the fire I'm trying to put out with comments like that. Sorry ladies. I guess it was my way of getting in one last jab to those who have seemed to really enjoy attacking me which was a bit juvenile. Sorry again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Thank you and I will! Got the wife a new camera lens for Valentine's Day and some chocolate roses for the kids to give to her, watched The Notebook together for the first time after the kids went to bed and we both cried our eyes out! It was great!

Thanks to everyone here for your input whether I liked it or not. I honestly had no idea this thread would get so much attention. I was going to be HAPPY if I got 2 or 3 replies. Never dreamed it would be 5 pages worth of responses! Obviously I hit a nerve with a lot of women here, but I have learned a great deal about how you think and operate. Hopefully you may have learned a bit about how a man thinks as well and everyone can walk away having learned something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think I will stop monitoring this thread as my wife and I have been getting along great all week long now and I can't even count the hours I've spent formulating responses to each and every post (until the last few).

Thanks again ladies!

Good luck on your journey!

Well, in case you're still reading...

Maybe it IS because you're a man that you feel this is some sort of competition; I've read in many places that men see exchanges as win/lose, while women see them as share. I had hoped that you would realize we have nothing to gain by asking you to question your stance. We are here because we want to share viewpoints and open our eyes - everyone's - to new ways of seeing things. And in what seems to be at least 95% of the responses to you, what you are saying here is coming across as very 'I know what's right and why can't you understand that?'

I don't give a fig if you feel like you taught us gals something or not. I do care about whether your wife has a lifetime ahead of her with a man who is not willing to question his beliefs and opinions. People have mentioned again and again that your way of writing, at least, comes across as very chauvinistic; and that that attitude or belief system may be great for you, but will be disastrous for a long-term happy marriage; eventually, your wife will get fed up with you.

I like to tell my H - who has a big problem dealing with people and is very confrontational - if 99 people tell you something, and you are the lone person out of 100 who believes one way, wouldn't it behoove you to at least question to yourself why you are the only person believing as you do?

I wish you well.

Awesome gift (the camera lens). I bet she loved it. It also shows her you are paying attention to what hobbies she loves. I hope you realize most of us were only trying to help. For me I was, for the most part posting for you to see your wife's point of view. I can empathize what you are going through but not fully understand because I am not in your shoes. I know my DH works his butt off to provide for his family. I tell him how much I appreciate what he does as often as I can. I specifically tell him "Honey, I am so grateful to have you as a husband. I really appreciate you getting up and going to work every day whether you want to or not. I am so proud of you!" I tell him this because it is the truth and everyone needs to hear they are appreciated. I also buy him cards every once in a while telling him the same things. I will either sneak into his car after he is asleep and put it on his seat or I will put it somewhere I know he will find it in the house. I will put it in with the daily mail so when he goes through it he will find it. Just something small that shows he is loved and admired. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />