I wouldn't ever suggest being a doormat and giving her the idea that you will always be at her beck and call. It is just that it is usually suggested to go to plan B for a time before plan D.

Obviously, if you've ever wanted an out from an unhappy marriage then her committing adultery has given you that out.

You are doing right by your kids and that is the most important thing....being a good, stable, father and model of honorable behavior.

Your WW will have a ton of regrets someday.

Thank you.. lots of good advice there..

Yes, I do think she'll be the ultimate loser in this and will have a ton of regrets someday. Maybe she'll come to her senses before it's too late..

I'm working on my plan b letter.. when I have a good draft, I'll post it.

Thanks again!!!

kel, there is a certain format that the letters should follow. Here is one of my favorite examples: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

One of the reasons this is so important is because the typical wayward is very foggy and gets things mixed up. With the letter, they have clear conditions in black and white. Waywards have reported, after they came back, that they read that letter over and over again.

She also needs a roadmap to recovery and to know she is not welcome to just show up at your doorstep with her suitcase when her and OM get into a horrible fight and that this is not because you don't care about her and don't want her home...it's just that she'll likely fail and crush you and the children further not to mention likely ruin any chance at reconciliation thereafter.

There are far too many examples on here of false recoveries. You are too far down the road of things being stabalized for you and those kids to risk that kind of turmoil. If she does wake up in the next 41 days or so (prior to the divorce being finalized) I hope you can just "stay" the order for awhile instead of throwing it out. "Stay" it as long as possible. You've got her signature on the dotted line of full custody and child support. If you can't "stay" it...you may have to just let it happen and consider remarrying later WITH a prenuptual agreement or dismissing it completely and preparing an antenuptual agreement. Work with your attorney to maintain your legal status quo.

Mr. Wondering

K..
I am glad you have contacted the PROFESSIONAL counselors
I hate to complicate things..but
i just gotta say this..her behavior seems unsual for a "normal" women.. even in the fogg..i think MBers especially the women would find it strange for her to leave her kids, move out, agree to your having custody, lose her support group... all for "true love". (( and ..yes it does happen))..what if she IS DEPRESSED.. and recovers her real self later on.; and wants to recocile... what if at that time she is pregnant?? is she still fertile?.. CAN you talk to your DOC or the lawyer and get her medically checked.. for deprssion or some other personality disorder
and yea i know you are tired..but wouldnt it make YOU feel better
jb

Jerseyboy;

I think what a wayward does has more to do with the addictiona and what the OP wants. This OP likely doesn't want the kids around...so WW walks out without them and figures she'll get visitation whereas in most situations, the wayward and OP developed the relationship as friends and then lovers and spoke highly of their children and badly only of their spouse. The typical wife affair developes with the fantasy of recreating the family with the OM absent the BH. They fight tooth and nail for everything and feel entitled to it all because it's a part of the fantasy.

K..dad's wife is having an affair with a much younger boy, not a man she can recreate a new insta=family with. Since kids aren't part of OM's fantasy...wife just leaves them behind.

In neither situation does the wayward give a crap about the kids. It's only the fantasy that differs. It's ALL about the addiction.

Mr. Wondering

JerseyBoy, MrW is right, the pull of the addiction can and does supercede most instincts. This situation does not surprise me at all. We have several other such cases on the board right now and always have for the 7 years I have been here.

We have a case right now where the WW is living with the OM even after the OM told her he wanted to molest her 13 yr old DD. The WW just blew it off and is still with the OM. In fact, she is furious that the BH got a restraining order against the OM so she can't introduce the 13 yr old to her OM. Affairees are typically not in their right minds.

MW and melody..
thanks.. all who post here have a prefered "style" we have the "reconcilaition at any price" people and the "kick em to the curb" folks to name a few. I hope that a professional can give "K" a balanced/functional perspective on his unique sit. Where males are concerned.. relationship "fatique" and ANGER can over ride good judgement. the harleys will be the first to point out that theri methods dont work on ALL Affairees. Is plan B desinged to get her out of the affair?? Plan "B" wont work if K's wife is clinically depressed ( but meds might)
and yes i feel he should do all he can to PROTECT his kids..if that means Divorce.. do it....but not as a means of revenge. and yes ..if she tries to reconcile..pregnant.. would THAT be a deal breaker for him?
i would hope he knows if he is dealing with an "average" WW or a clinically depressed one..or even a sociopath.where NOTHING works.. I think he should let a psych/DOC decide just how "nuts" his WW is.IF HE CAN.. there are cases of very extreme sexual behavoir being caused by the deficiency of vitamin "B". This WW just feels like a women MORE out of touch with reality then the "typical" I'm hot for his BOD .. wife..which leads me to the possible need for meds.

And..K..ALL the best BRO
jb

kelshelcaysdad

You’ve done a great job and learned much in a very short period of time. Stay strong and be the family leader in all of this mess. My prayers are with you.

Having said that, I would like to throw something out there about R that rarely comes up in these discussions, but could use some clarifications, if only for myself.

You mentioned that your oldest D is angry and upset with her mother. That she refuses to talk to her, except for the occasional TM. My Q for you(and for anyone else for that matter) is kinda complex. If your WW were to agree to every facet of your plan B demands in an attempt at R, do you think the children(especially the oldest) would be upset if they were left out of this decision? Sorta like being left out of the loop?

Could look like you didn’t consider the children’s feelings as to whether or not they wanted their Wayward Mother back or not. I know this is a tricky area, but do you feel like in any way you should share your plan B letter and demands with your children and sorta get them on the same page? I don’t know the answer to this, but it has been a thought on my mind for some time, and I just thought I would express it.

How about a family meeting with your children, or one on one, to get their prospective on what they will and will not accept. I assure you their pain is as intense as yours. Failure to do this, IMHO, has the potential to create resentment against BOTH parents for leaving them out of the loop in what is a very important FAMILY decision.

You’ve got plenty on your plate right now, and please don’t feel compelled to answer. I just wonder a lot about the children. I do believe they have something to say in all of this as infidelity is an assault against the ENTIRE family.

JMVHO,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry,

Good thinking. That's another good reason for WW to be required to live separate from OM AND the marital home until such time as the FAMILY, in it's entirety, is ready for her to come home and is sufficiently confident of her sincere desire to repair ALL of their relationships.

Somehow this can be addressed in the Plan B letter and roadmap to reconciliation. It may even help the letter because it is not just about BH and HIS feelings but about the well being of the children as well.

There is more than one fence that needs mending.

Mr. Wondering

She had her tubes tied/cut.. whatever they do.. so getting pregnant is not a concern..

Neither of my daughters want to live with their mother and both have made it clear they don't want her to come home at this point. We talk almost daily about this. My oldest tells me quite often that she doesn't think her mom and I should get back together because she's just going to use me again. So yes, I'm aware of the kids feelings on this and they're very much in the loop. The girls and I are pretty tight and so they have no problem sharing their feelings with me... I just sit and listen and let them rant.. Of course I also realize a lot of what they're saying right now is from their own pain and hurt from this.

Her just showing up at the doorstep with her suitcases and being invited right in is not an option. What I've told her is to get her own place.. break things off with this guy.. then we can talk.

She's addicted to this guy.. no doubt about it.. doesn't matter what kind of childish crap he does, she makes excuses for him.. but let me say or do one wrong thing and she's calling me every name in the book.. LOL.. I'm the biggest butt that's ever walked the planet. blah, blah, blah..

My no contact isn't working. I need to block her from my cellphone. She kept sending texts yesterday complaining about her child support.. she's being asked to pay, gasp, $450.00 per month.. woe is me!! I finally text back and said that's less than half of what I could ask for and if she didn't like it to hire a lawyer and fight it.. that set off a firestorm of mean spirited texts.. Frankly, I'm really tiring of her selfish, childish behavior. I'm not sure I want her back.. at any point.. especially considering how little she put into our marriage over the years. She's all about herself.. anyone else who gets hurt while she tries to please her self be damned.. I just don't think I want that again.. ever..

I'm doing some soul searching of my own today to determine what I want to do.. I'm seriously considering just letting this divorce play out and being done with her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her and I do still care for her deeply.. but...

Once you give her the Plan B letter do not allow yourself to become engaged in conversation with her. Even if it is about the CS... you have a middle person for a reason.

And yes, this is an addiction and because of the pull of this addiction, you MUST remain dark. It is going to take a while for her desire to see/speak with to become strong enough that she breaks her addiction to this creep.

Stay dark. Everything goes through your relative and/or atty if you have them...and remember to have your relative convey only that which HAS to be conveyed. No petty/gossip/serching for info type stuff.