I am new to the Discussion Boards and have been reading what others have posted here. One major aspect that has not been brought up is - holding on to this relationship is not healthy. Aph, have you thought of the ramifications of this affair? What if your WW "decides" she picks you then finds out she's pregnant from OM or worse contracted some disease from him? WW has admitted to having S with OM on IVillage??? Go to Plan B or the next time she's with OM pack up her stuff and have it ready for her at the door. Can't make your mind up about moving out - here I just helped you along. You need to take the upper hand at this and right now she's stringing you around like a puppet. What are your emotional needs and emotional expectations? If WW is so carefree about strutting her A all over even though both families/friends/strangers on the internet know and WW isn't embarrassed about it, there's something wrong there. Either WW has done this before or thinks that little of you and saving your M. I hope you find the right path and the answers you need.

OK OK I hear you guys. I'm working on this on step at time. haven't even met with the lawyer yet.

Heni....your first post is to me? what is so intriguing about my sitch? anyway...yes I realize the ramifications, it will be very tough to repair the damage, I totally understand what I'm getting into by choosing to honor my marriage vows "though thick and thin" I also screwed up by creating an environment for WW to go and have an A. (not that it's my fault) but if things were good in our past there wouldn't have been an affair. And she's not strutting it all over, if it wasn't for me exposing it not many people would even know. In SAA dr. Harley suggests a 6 MO time frame for plan A, it's only been 2.5 MOs since D-Day and I'm already close to the end of my rope, so I don't think I'm in the wrong by trying to stick it out, just looking for advice. The A is close to being over, i've come this far, I'm trying to hold it together a little longer, I know who she really is, and she's not a serial cheater. I do have to move on at some point, but at the moment I can't kick her to the curb just yet, so I might as well leave her with the best impression of me as I can. I have a lot of conditions to be met is she wants to work on this and she knows what they are, it's not like I'm rolling over and forgiving her already. Part of the problem is becuase she knows how much s*** we have to go through to make it work. so give me a break I'm working on myself at the moment and trying to figure out what I need to do to protect myself and my feelings.

This is what I was responding to...I wasn't trying to be harsh, Aph. The next post was...


So, tell me, because I want to help you as much as I can, Aph...what do you want to do? Plan A or Plan B?

I would seriously consider calling the Harleys. They are the ones who could help you better than any of us. Get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I hear it is great. Start practicing loving detachment. Stop LBing. Show her the way back to the M.

Many on this board will tell you to run because there are no kids and only 2 years M. That's because they (as do I) know how painful and difficult all of this is, and having kids plus years of M life act as glue to help you stay together and do the hard work. Without that, it will be EXTREMELY difficult.

((((Aph)))) Sounds like you are really hurting tonight!

APH-

I was replying to the first post about reading her posts on IVillage. I was just trying to bring up a point no one else brought up. I went through a very similar situation (except there were L's and legal agreements drawn up) and it ended very well - we reconciled. It took a lot for my H to realize his true home. I hope everything works out for you!!! Just look at your own emotional needs and expectations it worked for me.

I'm sorry if my last post seemed harsh. Was having a rough day. Anyway at the moment I have been told that the A is over and I am waitng to see what happens in the next few days/week.
I wold WW last week that i was tired of waiting for her to end it with OM and I really needed to start moving on (wich I am) I explaing that I wanted a peacful seperation and divroce and I have talked to my realative who is a judge in the family courts. she recommended that we try to resolve things without involoving lawyers because the cost is very high, and we don't have much besides our house and cars. WW had already agreed to move out and sign the house over to me anway.
I guess that got to her becuase the next day she told me it was over with OM and had been for a few days, she just can't figure out how to open up to me right now. do I believe her? not really but I have no-where else to go and I am ready to move on if need be. Over the last week she has seemed very derpessed (more than usual) and she also slept in our bed last night (she has been on the couch for 3 weeks and i had told her not to come back into bed unless she wanted to work things out for real) so it's really hard to tell what is going on at the moment, I think I'll just step back and see if she makes any moves toward working on the M, but I don't have much hope at the moment. luckily I've gotten to the point where I know what i need and want for this to work....

Aph...one word...


SPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need to know what is happening in your life. Please don't leave it up to her. She is a lier (right now, even if she was not in the past) and will do anything to have her cake and eat it, too. Would you trust a crack-addict or a falling-down-drunk to tell you the truth if they were looking for a fix or under the influence? NO! Your W is now your WW, and waywards are NEVER to be trusted.

As Mrs. W always says..."inspect what you expect."

Once you KNOW what you are dealing with (and that it hasn't just gone farther underground), THEN you can proceed to the next step. She must be completely open to all inspection...affairular phone, emails, passwords, whereabouts at all times, etc. If she balks at this, you probably have your anwer. Do not let up now! You have drawn your line in the sand...if you falter now, she wins! If you made it a boundary that all contact stops or you kick her out and file, then YOU HAVE TO STICK TO IT!! You will never be able to "use" that again if you don't follow through.

Alph,

A second word. No sex until she presents test results. You don't need to be given a death sentence for her follies nor do you need a lifelong infection.

I agree with Res. Keep checking and keep your senses sharp. I think you will begin to know when things actually change. She may well have ended the A and going through withdrawal, but frankly there is a ways to go before you can even begin recovery if that is in fact in the future.

So to misquote Ronald Reagan, "verify, and verify" and leave the "trust" until later.

God Bless,

JL

I'll be in serious spy mode once again now that WW has told me she ended the A. I believe her at the moment, but I know from reading on here that it's usually short lived, or just another lie. Her mood does seem even more depressed then before though, and she has agreed to NC also. not sure if I can get her to write a NC letter though. She's also considering going to the MC that I've seen three times by myself. Seems like a step in the right direction, but she still says she doesn't know if we can fix our problems.
-JL...She knows theres no sex until she gets an STD screening, I made this very clear once I found out it was a PA, so she's working on that also. I'm in no rush, but it's so hard knowing how long this process can take.