Are you certain you understood correctly? He routinely advises telling children as young as AGE FOUR. In fact, 2 weeks ago, he advised Lino to tell his 5 year old twins. Why would he feel your kids were "too young?"

I don't know K, your kids are the exact same age as my 2. I'll tell you, if I hadn't told them, they'd surely resent me. In fact, I'm positive, because last year when I kicked him out of the house after a drunken incident & wouldn't let him back in till he quit drinking, I told the kids pretty much what you did, and yes, they were FURIOUS with me. Now, armed with the truth, they're not furious w/either of us, but they're educated & very clear on what needs to happen in order for us to be a family of 4 again. And they put pressure on H - not because I tell them too, but because they know the damage.

Your boys aren't too young...and they're also old enough to know you're hiding something. Which is worse?

I don't understand the use of IM for delivering a visitation schedule to WH, Kag.

That would be contact to my way of thinking. You have an intermediary...for what comes in and goes out.

Seems like you breaking that boundary would affect not enforcing other ones.

Do you have neighbors or friends close by who can be at your house to do the drop off/pick up and not let WH in?

Someone who could say with a smile, calmly, "Oh, Kag? Like she said in her letter to you; she's busy fighting your adultery to save her marriage. She can't wait to recover with you when you end your affair."

I didn't see your response to SexyMamaBear at the top...important questions in it...hope to see your response soon.

(I understand how reactive you feel right now...and do not doubt you are capable...in me, pain of rejections gets me all messy, unfocused and reactive...an important part of Plan B is to personally recovery from infidelity...and learn how to act, not react, to your spouse.)

LA

Complicated, I don't work since I homeschool my boys and the youngest has special needs. But my parents are well off and would support me through this mess.

I have seen it said over and over that before going into Plan B, get your ducks in a row...visitation, finances, intermediary...THEN go to Plan B.


Now I know why they recommend this.




I do know that without a legal separation agreement, he can legally enter the home any time he wants (at least in our state). But that did not stop me from changing the locks. I figured if he wanted in, he could get the courts to tell me....and that would take some time.


That is what I am afraid of, that he can legally enter the house.


Maybe Mel can help you more with what you may still need to do to REALLY go dark.

But once in Plan B, you CANNOT let him "get in" to your life in any way.

Every time he "gets in", you destroy your Plan B credibility and your boundaries.


I sent a visitation schedule with days and times through the IM. That should be the end of any conversation right?


Have you told your children about the affair? If not, this needs to be done. [/quote] No

Someone tell me how to do the quote thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hey Kag,

I'm a homeschooling mom, too. There are a couple of us around here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Have you talked with a lawyer at all to find out what your state laws are?


When you said Steve told you your children were too young, did you mean Steve Harley??? From his quotes, I have seen him advise BS's TO tell the children, even young children...in an age appropriate way.

They don't need details, but they do deserve to know WHY their family is being ripped apart. They need to be taught the moral issues of what is happening in their lives.

I told my children (ages 6-17) that although mommy got married forever, daddy did not. I told them that he had a girlfried and was moving out. I told them that I loved him and wanted him home, and that if he were willing to do what is necessary, he can come home. I also talked to them about how quickly we can be taken over by sin and that daddy was right now, blinded by his sin and cannot even see the how much he is hurting us. I told them that we could pray for daddy and that God would take care of us no matter what daddy did.

Children need to be able to count on someone to be honest with them about their lives. This affects every single aspect of their lives, so don't buy into the bulls&%t that this is just between daddy and mommy and has nothing to do with them. From THEIR perspective, it has EVERYTHING to do with them. Their entire lives are being flipped and ripped.

KAG, it is real easy to change the locks. A handy man can do it in no time. But this needs to be done lest you will be dealing with this over and over again.

SexyMamaBear can give you good advice about telling your kids. And yes, they should be told.

to quote something use this :

[*quote]text you want to quote [*/quote]

just remove the asterisks.

Thanks I will try it.

Spoke with Steve Harley this morning and we are on same page. I told them that dad is behaving in away that is hurtful to me so he needs to be away. I told them it is my desire and hope to come back together. It seems like they need to take little pieces and absorb, then take a little more. I am not ready to tell about OW yet, WH is fence sitting. Waiting to see how that plays out.

Homeschooling is extra hard right now, I can not connect to brain cells together. Actually oldest might go to school in fall so I have more time with youngest. We are facing a major surgery that requires a three month commitment of traveling to philly from MA regularly.

Thanks for listening.

Will look into it. It has been really quiet, so it seems like maybe the message got through. I was getting a lot of IM emails. Told IM (per steve's advice) to not tell me anything about what he is doing etc. only pass on stuff relative to kids schedule. The IM will be a filter. If he asks to 'talk' he has to be ready to fufill letter b requirements.

I still feel very sad.:'(

Question: Has anyone used an online service to obtain a phone number successfully? I am trying to get OW's husbands number. They sold house and I have no idea where he went or where he works.

I used Intellius.com

Btw, I think I understand something I didn't in my last post...that you are using the acronym IM for Intermediary...not Instant Messaging, is that correct?

LA

Did you try information? If you can't find him, you can try a PI that some of us have used. He is not that expensive. CAll and ask for Frank Music: http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

Does intellius have the most current numbers? People search gives his previous number and address. I do have a lead...

Sorry I messed up the acronymn...what is it for intermediary?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Thanks,

Melody Lane
I have tried everything! He sold their house in Oct. and moved somewhere with no forwarding number or address. I have one lead to try and then will go to PI or intellius.

Thanks for the reference. They must just do somekind of online search that I can't figure out.

What a tangled web we weave......

So I try to contact OW's H per Steve's recommendation. Found the number listed under his name. I have my intermediary call the number cuz I was afraid he would screen me out. The intermediary only got a machine and did not leave a message.

Then OW then contacts MY WH to ask if the intermediary was trying to contact her husband. Sooooo, are OW and H living together again? They were divorcing according to her. How would she find out about it?

Then my WH contacts my intermediary pissed off asking what the heck....it is like I intiated contact again with the OW by trying to talk to her H. I want to kick myself.

My intermediary is replying with the truth, Steve wanted contact with OW's H to find out the truth of what is/was going on since I can not believe a word my WH says.

It is like a soap opera...not a plan B

crud, but kind of funny in a sad way

sigh....... Couldn't the intermediary have used *67 so the caller ID could not be seen? Now she has shown your hand to the enemy and the OW can pre-empt you.

What I would suggest is driving there yourself and knocking the door. Do you have his address? I suspect they are still together and the OW does not want your H to know.

Steve wants to talk to the OWH himself??

You crazy lady you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

No, Steve wanted me to talk to OWH to get more info. Doesn't look like is going to happen since she is running interference.

I am really feeling hopeless. Is it even worth it? He betrayed me twice, it seems like climbing a mountain to get back to ground zero. I am thinking I should just file and move on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />