I was searching for NC letter examples and am not having much luck with the "search" function-- all I am getting back is EVERY THREAD where NC letters are so much as mentioned.

Read my thread for the reason that NC letter is required now. OM contacted me again yesterday after leaving me alone for a very long time. H read the email and it has set us back quite a bit. Time for a NC letter- complete with a threat of a RO if he doesn't comply. This is getting ridiculous.

TT

This was a post sent to me, by MelodyLane, when I asked the same type of question. and it is what I sent. Hope it can help....




[quote] Your affair was a grievous assault on your wife and a terrible mistake. That needs to be stated in there as a GOOD WILL GESTURE to your wife. The letter should state "how selfish it was to cause such pain to one you love and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it would be the right thing to do." Dr. Harley suggests something along these lines:
[from SAA, pg 58]




OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that SMB did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay SMB for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, tst
[quote/]

I think it was MelodyLane who once told me that a NC letter is more of a "love letter" to the BS than anything.

Keep that in mind.

Thank you tst and rltraveled.

I am going to use something very similar, if not pretty much verbatim, to give to H to approve. Is it wise to add a clause about a RO if continued contact is attempted?? He likes to just pop up randomly and cause havoc... I hadn't actually sent a letter like this before this, because I hadn't heard from him in over 3 months and just wanted to let sleeping dogs lie... but now, surprise! here he is again. So, this gives me the perfect opportunity to go the NC letter route.

And rltraveled, I wasn't really thinking about it from the perspective of a "love letter" to the BS-- but I suppose you are correct. Really, I am doing this mainly for H... I can't stand to see what it does to him every time OM just decides to (attempt to) waltz back into my life. He needs to understand that HE HAS TO leave me completely alone. The doubts and the pain it causes my H is too much for me to bear...

TT

This is the letter I've asked my WH to send to his OW. He has yet to do it.

The only thing I dislike about this letter is the word "indulgence" because it makes it sound like the OW is/was something special and high class. It also gives OW the impression that she has made a good impact on WH life when in fact she has helped tank his M.

I gave this example to my WH with the work "act" replacing "indulgence." JMHO.

IMO - Do not add RO talk in this letter. Discuss with your H that an RO will be the next step if contact is broken again. And follow through swiftly if contact occures..

Good Luck

Good suggestion KLD. I will also change that word-- I agree with you.

And tst-- can I ask what your reasoning is for not adding the RO part to the letter?

And do you know what "proof" I would need to obtain a RO? I haven't saved any of his emails (and I've changed my phone number, so he can't call or text anymore...)... so I don't know what sort of things I would take with me to prove that I've asked for NC and he keeps breaking it. I am not familiar with ROs at all...

The reason I was threatening RO is because I've been trying for MONTHS now to get away from this guy... I started by first ignoring his attempts to contact me, when he didn't get that hint then flat out asking him not to... and I hadn't heard from him in awhile-- thought it was "over"-- that he had "given up" or was moving on... and then BAM. He picks THE WORST possible weekend for this. The only thing I can think is that Valentine's day brought this on from him.

The continued contact is REALLY wearing on my M. At this point he REALLY CANNOT contact me anymore. It really throws my entire recovery efforts into a tailspin. And it p**ses me off because I'm working so hard and one action from SOMEONE ELSE does this much damage. I'm working so hard to be transparent and to be honest and open and help him and recover what I can. But I CANNOT do this with him meddling...

Grr.

Anyways-- reasoning for not mentioning RO? Is it just not to "piss off" OM? And what do I need to obtain a RO? What if H really wants me to put in there that I'm gonna get a RO if he continues contact? Then should I Put it in there? (We did discuss that last night, briefly).

TT

You might consider calling your local police or looking online at your government site to see if you can find out what it would take to file a RO. You could have forensics done on your computer to get the evidence of contact from him via email if you needed that. You could probably also get your cell phone records as well.

When you send this letter, do not send it email. Send it certified mail and keep the receipt and print the delivery info from usps.com to keep with it.

Have you brainstormed any other ways you can protect yourself against this guy?

As for mentioning the RO, it may just make him keep trying to see if you'll do it and to make trouble for you. Any time you tip someone like this off about consequences, it usually doesn't mean anything to them anyway.

In your case, you may consider something else besides the love letter to your spouse NC letter. You've gone way past that stage. You may need to add more stern language along with the respect for your M and love for your H part since he seems a bit dense.

I have no specific reason other than you NC letter needs to go out immediatly.... and RO talk needs to be researched as to validity....

IMO - I would suggest you change all e-mail addresses immediatly, change all cell and home numbers immediatly. Eliminate all possible sources of contact.... extreme measures need to be put into place, by YOU, to stop this unwanted contact. BUT start with the NC letter and make sure your H mails the letter.

After all this ...contact your attorney and ask them to draft a legal letter regarding a law suit if harrasment continues... and send it ASAP!!!!!!

My H wrote his NC letter which I previewed and he let "me" mail it for trust sake. He wrote as to how their time together was special in their hearts, but it was wrong. He wrote how important his life with his wife and children is and how much he could have lost by acting so stupidly. He wrote as to how the affair began because he was afraid to speak of marital issues to the person who was involved..his wife, and looking elsewhere for answers was the worse action he could ever have taken. He apologized and stressed how he wanted the affair to end and no further contact.
**Of course she didn't believe his letter and still called him at work to cry her heartbreak, but he told her there could be no further contact and their relationship was over.

OK-- so what do we think about this?

OM, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband, I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel act that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my H and I would not want to do anything to risk his happiness any further. I have not made any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any further contact with me. Please respect my desire to end ALL contact with you, electronically, on the phone, and in person.

Sincerely,
TT

Is this "firm" enough? I am first going to give this to H to "approve", obviously.

I was thinking of emailing it today, just for the sake of him getting it IMMEDIATELY... and then sending a copy via certified mail also (this will take longer, obviously-- hence the emailing for immediate effect). I am going to research it, but if I have a copy of the letter, and the receipt from usps saying he RECEIVED the letter, you would THINK that that would be enough for a RO. I'm going to look into it. Does anyone know if this is a "state" law or something that I would look into locally? I guess I'm asking if the RO laws are state legislature (that the state decides who gets a RO and who doesn't) or is that a local thing?

And I already changed my cell number. He does not have that number. I am looking into email, although our IT guy said I may not be able to change it until the end of the semester because our email is how we log into our accounts for logging grades online, and also how my students get a hold of me (I teach classes at a major university). Also how a lot of other things are set up too. So I may need to wait until the semester is over, if I can do it at all (he didn't sound like he was really thrilled about helping me out with that, it sounds like it could be a pain...).

We don't have a home phone-- only cells-- so that is fixed.

He has no access to my building at work and has no reason to be here. My boss has been informed of me not wanted to see/talk to him. She knows of this, and would send him away (plus, unauthorized people aren't allowed in my building period since it is a research building, so he's not allowed in here just based on that).

He's getting desperate. And I fear he's going to do something stupid-- to "punish" me and try to destroy my M. And I'm afraid his desperate attempts are being heard more by H than they are by me. He is romaticiszing the ****** out of everything, applying meaning to things he never applied meaning to before or even seemed to care about (and that I didn't care about either...). He's desperate. Desperate people take desperate measures. I just thought this was over. And I don't want H to believe OM's stupidity and lose trust in me.

tt

TT

The fact that your husband wrote "their time together was special in their hearts" makes his letter void. His NC letter meant absolultely nothing. Why on earth did you allow that letter to go out with that wording in it? That kind of phrasing INVITES the OW to make contact (not to mention makes most BS's gag!). That is WHY the OW didn't believe his letter and contacted your husband.

Have you read SAA? If not, I STRONGLY suggest that you do. Your marriage is at a very critical stage.

I agree, SMB.... I'd probably be sleeping in a refrigerator box in our driveway tonight if I tried to pull this crap as a NC letter to H right now.

If I wrote to OM that our time together was special in our hearts right now, I think I'D GAG. Our time together wasn't special. It was built on lies, and broken promises to the ones we loved. How special can LIES and BROKEN PROMISES be?

Wadeallie-- I agree with SMB. I'm not sure if NC has been established in your case, I haven't read your thread. But, I would be very careful, and would really consider making your H write a TRUE NC letter-- more like the one I have for approval above and that tst posted to me.

Their time together wasn't special. It was cruel and hurtful and stupid. Nothing even close to special. Don't accept this crap as a NC letter.

TT

I agree. The words "Our time was so special" are not at all conducive to convincing a determined OW to go away! No doubt that was the one phrase that stuck in her foggy little mind, allowing her to hold out hope for their fantasy future.

I sent the letter to H for approval...

Anxiously awaiting his reply... my heart is pounding.

I'm not sure what he's going to think of it... (he's not onboard with the MB principles... so it is probably foreign to him...)

TT

Regarding your e-mail....it must be changed immediatly!!!

Tell your IT person your marriage and your family are being threatened and you need this done TODAY....yes it will be very inconvienient for you and others around you, but this is the price you pay to protect your H and your marriage!!!

He said that letter is garbage. He's mad about it. He said that it is weak.

Now he's mad at me...

TT

Try to talk about revisions with him and ask him what he wants you to change and post it again!

He's flipping out at me. Says he's more mad at me now about my "weak" attempt then he was at me last night. He won't help me or tell me what he wants in there. Just keeps saying that the one I had he doesn't like.

Now I don't know what to do. He wants it to be harsher-- but he won't help. Says it is MY letter.

NOW WHAT?!??!!? He's flipping out on me. I'm trying to tell him it was a place to START... but he's freaking.

TT

He's going off the deep end about the other one. He won't even TELL ME what he expects in one of them. He says "I should know". I said I can't read his mind. He said that this is why NC was never really established and that I am a failure because OM won't leave me alone...

This is a disaster.... he's just going to keep shooting down whatever I write and getting mad at me...

TT