I am reading all your comments...and I am close to jumping on things. I was convinced to call OMW twice yesterday...and was going to do it, I just was busy, and couldn't call...that is honest.

I got news from her last night. After I typed, I went out...to talk to her. She is devastated. Apparently on the 14th, and 15th they spent a lot of time talking. Here is what I make of the situation...and I believe to be 100% factual. I have little doubt now that she is lying.

He has some feelings for her, but at this point, they could be 100% sexually driven. I do know he told her, that he did not have nearly the same feelings about her, and that he would never leave his wife. My wife said he just has too many committments, and he didn't want to risk them all. He is from S. America, but lives here. His wife would take the kids w/ her back to there if he divorced her. He would have to move down there, but is tied here b/c he takes care of his mother in S.A.

I'm wondering if it was a typical...I wouldn't mind tryign something knew...and b4 he knew it, my wife was on him like glue. I believe he never wanted it to go in this direction.

My wife said she knows she can't have sex w/ a guy if he isn't committed. I can say b4 all of this took place, we have only ever had sex with one another. At least that we've always known as a team...and we had so many GREAT years, it would have been silly to think things would have happened then.

In reality, I could see my wife holding back on sex a bit...b/c of her committments to home.

She is back here b/c she is trusting me, and thinks what I've told her...can be true (we can fall back in love, we can be very happy together).

I'm proposing I still go forth w/ my goals. I'm getting a job. I told her my plan is to use that $$$ as extra...we might use it on bills, etc., but mostly it will be used to bring us back together. Perhaps for a year, we use it to takea a weekend trip to NYC, and I get her away on my own...away from work. I take her shopping. I take her to a museum she has always longed to go to. She can't help but notice how much I've gotten better on the home front, and we are doing these romantic things now that were missing before. I am learning to meet her needs more, and in time she will reciprocate. I will start everything off by being mostly one-sided. She is trying, I kissed her on the lips b4 she left for work today. There isn't a lot there, but we aer pushing the barriers at OUR pace. I'm comfortable taking it slow, but ready to jump in. I'm holding back b/c I know she'll see who she fell in love w/ in the first place.

My question...how hard will it be for her working w/ him. She is pretty certain he is never going to leave his wife, but does fear/hope someday he will.

I am not sure, but isn't it likely if he really likes my wife after she stops trying to push the relationship...he may act out more. All I know is my wife is sick of hurting me, and she has become honest. That is why the sudden shift this past weekend.

They say A end more quickly than you expect. I can't help but think, they put the stopper down this past week. I know she didn't, but he did. As I point out, it is one-sided. You really don't know him...he isn't meeting all your needs, and you are head over heels over him...and she sees hey, Brett really is meeting all those needs.

I don't know...I just feel at this moment, if I call OMW, my wife will no doubt pack it all up. She will at least quit on me now. Can't I just wait and see how things ride out with therapy? I truly feel this is the way to go...perhaps in a month, if there is someething starting back, or little to no impromvement on our end..call. That gives my wife soem time to start appreciating what I'm doing. As you said, I need to watch ACTIONS, not words. I'm going to do that. I'll have her stick to commitments more...and she has done that w/ long work hours. She is now leaving at 7:00 AM get home at 7:00 PM type girl. I'm not sure I LOVE this schedule, but that is GREAT w/ what she was doing before.

I have a lot to do...working on the home environment, and her, and w/ kids. I'm so excited. I will be victorious. It will be slow...hard...likely up and down at times.

I will continue to read...I will. I'm listening people.

BTW, she has lied to her company that she was having an A with him. At the point if I bring it to her company, she will likely get fired. That is really dumb as my kids need the $$$$ to sustain our living. I'd likely be taking my kids out of school, and my wife would be w/o job and him. She does get a lot of fulfillment from her job...and it might be that extra she needs to pull through. I just don't know if it's possible. She says it is...to trust her.

Thanks

Pb,

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but until you find your "balls" you are just going to keep being a doormat and enabler for your WW's ongoing and PHYSICAL A.

SHE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU ... AND CONTINUES TO DISRESPECT YOU DAILY BY CONTINUING TO LIE TO YOU!!!

Either grow a pair and take back some measure of control over your life, or roll over and use her foginess to negotiate the best D settlement you can ... honestly, it sounds like she is being very fair in a D to give you the kids and $27K/year in CS ... I believe I'd take the good D settlement and then work on the M later, if I were still inclined at that time. You may not keep your WW, but you WILL have your kids, some money and your SELF-RESPECT!!!

I wanted to point out...for future reference to me and anybody else.

I know w/ certainty...I feel anyway, if I had contacted the OMW when I first heard about the A (nearly 2 months ago), that things wouldn't be nearly as bad as they are now (my wife has fallen more in love with him). I wished I had done that, and known about plan A back then.

Knowing what I know now...I just don't feel that's the case. I know it would certainly split us, and my wife has so much hate at what I've done on my end. She hates how I've exposed it, as she is a private type person. I have brought my in-laws into it (well, she did, but I've brought up secrets she didn't want to share w/ them...many), my parents, some people at her work, etc. I was never malicious, and was always trying to protect her job. But, the effects were the same...she felt exposed. Her hand are tied too in that if she pursues it, she does run the risk of losing her job and in the end...her support for the kids. Yeah, I might be making $$$ in 2 months, but it would be like a 1/5 of what she is making. I guarantee she feels she can't make up the income...and is likely to fall in $40-60K/yr range if she loses it.

I don't think she has a lot of options to go w/ him. I'm not saying she won't give up hope...I think that only ends when she realizes/can realize what I do for her and the kids.

MyRevelation,


I agree what she is proposing is fair. But that is not what I want...a divorce. I want to stick out the rough times...weather it. I want to be able to stand tall in 10-50 years, and be proud to tell my children of what marriage is like. I think we will be proud to say...we were in a doldrum...we worked out of it. I think the kids stand to gain a lot from this...and will benefit them someday when they are married. They statistically are at high risk for an A in their marriage (isn't it like 80%?). I want to give my kids that extra chance in life...I don't want them to suffer (let's be honest kids always lose in D). It's worth it to me in the long run...to know I tried. I love her so much. She is a great person, minus her "AAA" side.

I just don't know if she can move on. Perhaps I won't either, as things will have changed between us. My hope is things have really not changed all that much...we have experiences behind us. Some not so good, but mostly they were pretty good...and a fair amount of GREAT times.

I think we both have the right attitude going forward. However, are we being realistic? I know I'm all about focusing on the +'s...making her feel comfortable...meeting her needs...taking it slow...realizing it won't be easy. Can she let go of him. I am very confident I can let go of actions, but fear I will always worry when she is up there working at corporate (late hours etc.). I do know I can follow her actions...and will.

I just can't help but being optimistic as it's what I want...I want her back.

I disagree with basically everything you've written in this paragraph. Somehow you think it will make your children look at you with PRIDE to know that their F allowed their M to humiliate him and disrespect him, because he didn't have the "balls" to stand up for himself ... yeah, that'd make me PROUD of my Dad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm also of the opinion that children are much better off being raised by relatively sane, but seperate parents, than by two parents who are merely co-existing in a love-less M. I simply don't buy into that "myth" about "staying together for the kids sake" ... kids are much smarter than that. The only thing your ACTIONS are teaching your children is how to be a doormat and likely suffer the same fate as you are some day.

So if you REALLY want to be a role model for your kids ... DO SOMETHING!!!

Don't fall for this! Do you know how many woman use sex to get love? Expose to the OMW asap before this goes any further.

1) She will not "get past him" if she continues to work with him or interact with him in ANY capacity. Every contact will put her right back at square one.

2) If you are/have considered suicide then yes, you need to get yourself to a doctor, pronto.

3) Your efforts to repair your marriage are a complete waste of time while she is seeing the OM. You call him your "competition"...but he's really not. He is the one that is filling her love bank right now. She has closed your account. All of your efforts to woo her back are being wasted because she will most likely not allow you to meet her needs while she is involved with the OM. It really is that simple.

4) You need to EXPOSE this relationship to anybody and everybody that can influence your wife to end the affair. This includes your family, her family, her job, the OM WIFE (probably the most effective and most crucial of all the people to expose to), your pastor/priest.

5) Exposing to the OM wife can result in an immediate end to the affair. The OM will decide that your wife is not worth the trouble she's causing him and he'll dump her like a hot potato. I know you think that the OMW knowing will cause OM to leave her for your wife, but 99% of the time, that's just not how it goes.

6) You cannot "talk" your wife out of her affair. Your words are not getting through because she will not allow them to get through.

7) She is sleeping with this man. Women don't typically destroy their own marriages and risk their children and families for a little hand holding and sweettalking and mild kissing. Sorry, but your wife is lying to you.

8) If your wife won't quit work then you need to expose this relationship to HR at her job.

This is really only the beginning. Go out TODAY and buy surviving an affair. Make a doctor's appointment and get yourself some antidepressants. Stop trying to educate your wife into leaving her boyfriend.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't expect immediate results (well, unless you expose to OM wife, which might get you immediate results).

Resonance suggested a translation web page for writing a letter to the OM wife. Dictionary.com has a translation page and you can write what you want to say and it will translate it for you. Then you can put that in a letter to her and give her the letter.

Edited to add: I am a FWW. I know how the WW thinks, because I was one. The MB system works...IF you work it. If you just want to come here and complain and vent then you may find listening ears, but you will receive lots of good advice too. I would recommend that you take the advice and save yourself years of heartache after trying to do it "your way".

You are not listening or comprehending what is going on here PB.

It sounds like OM has a LOT to lose. Right now, you are being strung along by your WW, she's biding time, waiting to see what he will do, trying to get him to continue the A. She's probably willing to escalate the A if he plays her and offers more.

Adulterers lie, to thier spouses, to each other. You should not believe much of what your W is telling you. My W had never lied to me (to my knowledge) before the A. Then she turned into a brutal lying machine!

Yes, exposure is going to completely piss off your W. Why is that? Because it is going to cause SEVERE problems in the fantasy she is building. It could possibly cause OM to quit HIS job! Your M can and probably will survive her ANGER. It will not survive an extended, ongoing, escalating A!

You need to stop worrying so much about what your W is doing. You need to begin to take control of what YOU can control and take the necessary actions to protect your family. This means doing WHATEVER YOU CAN to end the A!

Think of what you are worrying about for a second! You are worrying about your adulterous W getting mad at you for interfering with her adultery!! WTF?! What is any self respecting H SUPPOSED to do?!

Stop whining to her, stop educating her, stop crying and pleading. START meeting her needs, start SHOWING her that you can be a good H, and start taking back control of your life by doing whatever you can do to end this A.

Your WW is probably not willing to do anything like agree to NC or quit her job. That's the thing with WW's. They will do whatever they can to keep feeding the addiction. Threats, abuse, lies in droves. Once the A is over and she gets through withdrawal, you may be surprised at what she is willing to do.

Quit fighting with the WW, and do what you can to bring your W back!

How do you know this? Have YOU spoken to her in the past?
What language does she speak?

I have called the OMW, but was calling to talk to the OM. She couldn't understand...she speaks Spanish. I have a converter, and think I can do okay to get things rolling.

I like the advice, it's just it all conflicts w/ what I feel on my end (what my wife wants). I can't help but thinking this time it is all true.

PB,

Sorry for your situation but glad you are here!

If I had it to do all over again, I would have exposed IMMEDIATELY to ANYONE and EVERYONE who could possibly help!

I wasted WAY TOO MUCH TIME worrying about what effect my actions would have had on WW...

The actions those here are recommending are spot on, and you need to stop waiting until it "feels right", because of the counter-intuitive nature of this professional advice (READ DR HARLEY's BOOKS), it will not "feel" right at all until you see it working...

Best of luck and EXPOSE!!!

L2F

Like L2F, I wasted way too much time thinking and listening before actually DOING anything.

That whole time, my ex was continuing the affair, and getting into it deeper and deeper. Yeah, I too thought that the OM was only meeting her emotional needs. Needless to say, I was an idiot. Grownups don't stop at holding hands.

You already KNOW that OM is petrified to lose his W and kids - that means you MUST expose, because OM will run off in an instant. And then you can start rebuilding. But as long as you maintain status quo and try to "win her" by being extra nice, you are simply allowing the affair to flourish in all its glory.

AGG

Physicsboy,
Stop posting on MB. You have had many highly knowledgeable and experienced people giving you great advice. All you do is justify why you will not follow their sound advice.

When are you going to realize that your WW has left you? Maybe not 100 percent but she still continues to distance herself from you.

You refuse to expose. Exposure is the best tool for ending an affair. You are afraid of the OMW divorcing the OM. Where the OM will be free to take your WW.

Exposure will not force a WW to leave a BH. It will end the affair or not. If not, it is because the WW has already decided to leave. Exposure will make the WW mad because the WW is pressured to leave the marriage ahead of her time table. WW can no longer blame and pretend that is was you and a bad marriage that she was leaving.

WW's try to prevent exposure so that family friends co workers will not know that she was cheating on you.

A wife does not want a house husband she wants a man. A woman does not want to marry a butler. Women have been taking care of their house and holding down a full time job forever.

What does see need you for? Laundry? The machine does it while she watches TV.

Watch the kids? Her parents or day care.

How can a man respect himself for not going out to work. You are going against years of evolution. Man went out of the home afar and then back to support his family. How sexually attractive is a man going to appear to a woman when he puts himself in the woman's role in the marriage?

You have a physics degree. Can't find a job that pays well. Do you know how many high schools in this country need physics teachers? Major suburban areas starting salary is $50,000. Top off at $110,000.

There's a blue light special at Wal Mart. Go buy your self some balls. Right next to the cans of courage on the testosterone aisle.

You need to stop being a door mat and fight for your marriage. Exposure, family friends co workers human resource manager.

NC. WW must leave her job immediately. Then to verify NC WW must be an open book. Access to all passwords, phones, texts, IM, bills.

Maintain Status quo your WW will leave you.

Why is your WW willing to convert?

Why would WW be willing to give you $2,300 a month?

WW has is committing herself to the OM. WW is figuring that see can get rid of use easily by waving some chump change in front of your face. On what the OM and WW earn letting you stay in the house is not going to hurt their fantasy life style.

When the OM's wife finds out about the affair and threatens to leave the country and go back home with her children. The OM will throw WW under the bus so fast. Do you know how many OM when threatened with the loss of their children back right down and end the affair. They wait for their wives to calm down and stop being vigilant and then look for their next WW to have an affair with.

Denial is not a river.
Unfortunately I believe this is more then a EA. It has gone PA.

PB,

You fear her reaction if you expose.

She is in love with another man. How much worse can it get?

You fear doing something to drive her away.

She wants to leave you for him. What input do you have in that?

If you want to save your marriage, you need to have specific goals. One of those goals is to extract OM from your marriage. Another is to cause your wife's feelings for you to return and begin growing stronger. And the third should be to build a stronger marriage than you had before so that this can never happen again.

You will never do the third unless you accomplish the first two. It doesn't matter what counselor you work with or whose books you read. Nothing you do toward this third goal will matter a tiny little bit if you don't pull off the first two goals.

In order to end the affair and get OM out of your marriage, he and your wife have to be separated completely. The affair is a fantasy that you simply cannot compete with since they have no negative history together and have no baggage from a long term relationship together. So you need to break up the affair and the easiest and best way to do that is to let reality intrude on the fantasy.

Your best weapon against the fantasy is to expose the affair to anyone who will be shocked, dismayed, consider it wrong and might have any negative opinion of it at all. Anyone who does not think your wife is doing the right thing by having this affair is your ally, but only once they know about it, because they can't put pressure on the affair if they don;t know about it.

OMW is your BIGGEST ally in that she can put pressure on the fantasy from her end and apply pressure that you are not able to create on your own.

In addition, she has a right to know that she is living with a liar and a cheat. Unless she already knows about the affair, any decisions she makes about her life are lacking a piece of information that she has a right to.

As for your second goal of causing your wife to develop feelings for you once more...This is the goal of Plan A.

Assuming that Dr Harley is correct in his description of the Love Bank being a way to measure a response to stimulus, then your goal is to cause the desired response often enough and intensely enough that your mere presence is enough to cause that response. In order to do this you need to identify her most important emotional needs and do what you can to meet them.

At the same time, you need to do what you can to prevent doing anything that causes the opposite condition to exist. That is, you need to avoid undoing what you are trying to create by meeting her ENs. These are love busters. They fall into specific categories and all are detrimental to your cause. Angry out-bursts, disrespectful judgments, dishonesty, independent behavior will all cause the opposite effect you seek. So all of these actions must be identified and eliminated.

So, there you have all you need to know about the Marriage Builders method.

It is not intuitive in the least to leave fixing the problems until after the marriage has been saved. Especially for guys who tend to want to fix things and be done with them, the idea of wooing your wife back from a usurper makes little sense. But rest assured that unless you win her back, and do it quickly, you will not have a marriage left to save and even when the affair ends on its own, which statistically will take place within two years, you will have nothing left but the paperwork of dissolution.

There is nothing magic or instant that will fix this. You either save your marriage or watch it disappear.

Mark

I do appreciate the comments. TheRoad, I have to disagree w/ some of your comments.

IMO, to tell me to discontinue posting on MB, simply tells me you don't want to help people. I am listening to the advice. Perhaps I don't have the balls that some others have. I am trying...this is very important to me. I'm treading cautiously...rather than just doing something. I have already made some mistakes that way already. As you probably know, emotions are very up and down.

I do believe the PA is not well established yet. My wife is very EMO...and she has had plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth. I do have some level of doubt to all of this. But, she has had serious bouts of truth, and is adamant there are no more secrets between us.

She is trying to make things work between us. I'm not sure how easy it will be. She had a near death experience just yesterday, and she said it was an eye-opening experience.

I know things will take time. Of the times, I now feel better about calling the OMW. I'm so close to doing it, and might be doing it w/in the hour. I simply think it won't split them up, but it will lay down the law. On my end, I'm unsure I want to continue as is...I love her, but it is hard to just be friends right now.

The OM told my wife the day b4 yesteday he didn't want to be her friend anymore. I guess he was upset that my wife and I had sex...makes me think it might be more physical than I've been told due to his reaction.

Anyway...hope I call the OMW today. And to all, including TheRoad, thanks for the advice. I am listening. I do think my wife wants a man. I am pursuing a career, but being a student/stay-at-home dad over the past several years hasn't helped market me. I have some good opportunities on the horizon...we'll see how things go. I am considering getting my teaching degree. It will take 1-1.5 years for me to finish. Here, the starting pay is just over $30K/yr. To the converter...and hope I call her.

Guess, what? I strapped on a small pair today. I called the OMW. I feel so good!!

She wasn't home, but I left a message with the babysitter. I hope the OMW calls me back. I have 2/3 of a page of stuff to discuss.

Is it wrong for me to be excited? My wife is going to corporate tomorrow, and will VERY likely gaze at her lover's eyes. In fact, I can't help but think, she will go out of her way to see him. If he finds out later tonight...his wife knows...he will hopefully not be in the best mood to see my wife. I ponder on what they'll talk about, or if he'll just avoid her entirely. I'm not sure. I know I have no comfort in knowing my wife will be upset, but am gratified in knowing I took a good step in ending the A, and more importantly, a start to opening my bank w/ the wife. I'm not sure if it'll ever be there again, but if my wife is honest about me, I think there is a good chance...I am optimistic. Regardless, if there was any chance, I do feel this is one of the better ways of going about it. Just took me some time.

My wife might come home in a mess. She is traveling with a close friend, but not close enough where my wife has shared her secret with. So my wife will not be able to show her emotions. I think she'll only express her hatred and unhappiness at me...what she has been doing w/ her coworkers, etc. She is blaming me...

Do you think the OM will tell my wife about me calling his wife? I just know I have not intentions of telling her I called...but will tell her when she asks why (I am trying to save my marriage).

Hope I stay aloft on my cloud for awhile. I tell you, I feel a little better b/c I'm actually doing something. Win/lose, I am making a serious effort.

Sorry, my third post today b4 anybody has replied.

I'm really trying to motivate myself for the storm brewing ahead. I really think Plan A is in action...

Worst case, my wife moves out and communication stops between us. She has told me if I call the OMW, she will leave me. I know it will anger her beyond belief. At least I know she felt this way in the past, and I have no reason to think she has much changed.

Should I go see a Psychologist for anti-depression medicine? Will it help me a great deal? I know I get don at times, and am okay at others. Money is limited right now, and I'm unsure I can afford all of it. Our CC are maxed out, we are living paycheck to paycheck. On 3/15 my wife gets a $25K bonus which will pay off $18K in CC debt. We also have a vacation planned which is hard to cancel (doing it as family event for kids, and we have an exchange student looking forward to it too). So even with the bonus, money will still be tight.

I am strongly looking for a job, and trying to make better on the home (cleaner, etc.). I feel overwhelmed at times, but am moving forward. When I get a job, I will feel better about myself, and perhaps our finances will get into better order.

I don't see any resolve on my wife discontinuing working with this guy. My wife's supports don't want her to give up her career, nor do I. She has a great one, and it's a shame she should have to throw it away (still a lot of untapped opportunity at her job). I don't think they understand that it could be marriage or her current career. For me, I'd choose the marriage, but my wife won't do that at this time.

I guess I'm moving forward hoping she/him stop the A. However, one/both will likely still have feelings for one another. How does one/both let go of the A? I just fear I'm fighting a fight that can't be won? Of course it can be, but I'm fighting a lot of odds since they are going to continue to work together a great deal.

So, I'm starting plan A. I'm bringing in the OMW. Sometime tonight, the beans will be spilled. I don't believe she knows of anything yet. So, things could get sticky. I know to stand up strong...don't get angry, etc. I need to meet her EN if presented? I just believe I focus on improving on the things I know matter to her (and I was deficient in), and I continue to do the things that were meeting her needs.

Is this right? What happens if she changes the locks on me? I don't want to do this either, but it'd be worse if she did it to me.

Sorry for all the questions...I'm trying to find the carrot and stick thread/article. If somebody has a link, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

Physics

My words were to get you to take action, not leave MB.
The mess your are going through will take lots of time.
Starting NC, withdrawal from the OM, your anger phase, getting your WW to answer your questions about the affair, recovery. Two years on average.

"She has told me if I call the OMW, she will leave me" Standard response from the WW play book. Will try anything to scare you from exposing the affair. WW will threaten or do anything that may end her affair. WW's act angry when they are first exposed but it does not last.

Exposing the Affair will cause the OMW to make OM's life ******. Which usually causes the OM to dump the WW. OM usually are just after extra SF. They are not willing to give up their home children or wife to keep a WW.

If exposure to the OMW does not work then it is time to call WW's Human Resources department and expose there. Large corporations dread law suits and policies against work place affairs. It may result in the OM WW or both losing their jobs.

You can not have both. WW's job or your marriage. The marriage will never have a chance with your WW still working with the OM. With your WW still seeing the OM at work there will never be NC. WW will never be able to give up her addiction for the OM if there is NC. WW can not go through withdrawal because every time there is some form of contact email, see, talk, phone, text, IM, withdrawal will restart all over again. NC is needed for her feelings for OM die. Until then WW will not redevelop feelings for you.

"The OM told my wife the day b4 yesterday he didn't want to be her friend anymore. I guess he was upset that my wife and I had sex...makes me think it might be more physical than I've been told due to his reaction"

Do you know OM are on a power trip when they are pounding some man's wife. Some are so egotistical that they make the WW promise to be faithful to the OM and for the WW to refuse to have SF with their own husband.

From reading your posts I think that your WW's affair has gone physical.

Stay strong. Expose to OMW. If that does not work then expose to corporate.

TheRoad,

Your words are my fear. If this guy is pounding my wife, and she has sworn secrecy to him...I think she could lie to me. He is her #1 (I am long forgotten at this time). If she has continued to withhold this information after my frequent attempts at allowing her peace at doing so...will perhaps be a final blow to our marriage. I love her, but for her to continue to break the trust in the way she is doing, I think I would have to say good riddance.

It's a shame, as we had many great years together. She will risk what all we've accumulated for selfish greed. At some point, I would have thought she would have broken down and told me.

I called the OMW. I think she is home, but she is hanging up on me? Is this strange? Perhaps she knows, and wants to shield herself from further harm? I don't know, but the phone call disconnects almost immediately.

Oops...just called...got the baby sitter? again. She still isn't home. I don't know. I'm starting to get a little paranoid.

It is driving me crazy when I get doubts as to PA. If my wife had just been honest, it would not be nearly the deal it has become. I just want to start a clean slate...be honest from there forward. She has had that opportunity quite a few times.

Dear Jason,

I know there were many replies to your post, but I'm sure none like mine. I am famous for reading but not replying in forums, but I had to reply to yours. I don't know if my reply will make you feel better or worse, but I think what you seek the most right now is truth and unfortunately I think I can provide that.

I found this forum today when I googled "stay married for the kids" and somehow I navigated to your post. See, I am your wife and you are my husband…almost exactly. While reading your post I had chills run down my arms because your situation mirrors mine almost in every detail.

I was raised a born-again christian in a baptist church, my parents even taught the marraige builders class...they have been happily married for over 30 years. That makes it very hard for me to say what I am about to say...I carry a tremendous amount of guilt with me everyday because of what I am about to tell you.

My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years, married for almost 10. We married very young and had kids young. But as we grew older we changed, or at least I did.


Several years ago I started to feel a little "caged". I started feeling like there was never one minute of the day that somebody wasn't expecting me to perform for them...whether that be my role as a mom, wife, or employee. My husband has always been very emotionally needy. He loves affection...kissing, hugging, cuddling or just spending time watching tv together on the sofa after the kids go to bed. When you are a wife and mom people are touching you all day long, I started to resent how needy he was. I took care of his needs like he was another one of our children. His whole world revolved around me, he was getting his self worth from me rather than from himself. When you do that you are destined to be let down because nobody can “make” you happy. I started to see him as a weak person, it seems our roles were evolving until they were almost reversed in a traditional sense. Even though my husband is a very masculine “tough” guy I became stronger in an emotional sense…he took this as me being cold and distant.

At the time all I asked from him was a little space, a little “me time”. Whether that meant me going shopping by myself or just taking a quiet drive to collect my thoughts. The more I expressed my desire for space the more insecure he became. It was a cycle. I pulled away so he would follow closer, desperately trying to make me understand how much he loved me. He thought I was pulling away because I didn’t love him, that wasn’t true…I really just needed some quiet. But like I said, it was a cycle and eventually it became him smothering me in an effort to “fix things”. In your original post you mentioned all your regrets about what you should have done and how you try to be romantic….that was him exactly. What happened at this point is very sad. He had pushed me so far away that I no longer felt anything in a romantic sense for him. I tried with everything I had to feel for him. I did feel compassion and loyalty but I sincerely could not bring myself to feel anything a wife should. I dove into work, I didn’t want to see him anymore than I had to.

I found any excuse to work, or go out of town for work. It was easier than coming home and having to face another long talk about our problems….the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. It had been talked into the ground already! I was so busy constantly reassuring him that it drained me. I started to desire the emotional strength of someone taking care of me. A soft place to land so to speak. Believe it or not I was hurting too. Realizing that you don’t love the person you are married to is devastating.

I know people say when affairs happen it is because one person has a void in them that can not be filled….maybe that’s the case sometimes. But in my case it was that a woman desires certain qualities from a man, my husband couldn’t give it to me. I found it in someone else and started having an affair. Jason, like you said this guy is a mutual friend, that was my situation too…a friend of the family, someone we saw often. I told my husband we were just friends but he knew something was going on, he could sense it. We started sleeping in separate bedrooms.

I worked long hours and went out of town a lot. I stayed with my husband for the kids, because I was brought up to think that divorce hurt the children…marriage builders taught me that…through my parents who taught the class at church since I was a kid. So that’s what it had all come down to…I was staying for the kids.

What happens next was inevitable…I got caught. He was hurt, but relieved to know the truth and I was ashamed. I cut off my affair and tried desperately to reconnect with my husband. We went to counseling and church and I prayed that God would let me feel something for him again.

That was three years ago. Things got a little better for a while. I did my best to stay home with him as much as possible, I tried using sex to reconnect. I did everything I could and used all my energy on him. He loved that because it’s exactly what he wanted all along. But then about 6 months ago I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep putting on a fake smile and telling him I loved him when I don’t. He moved out last week…this is a trial separation. I hoped it would make me miss him but it hasn’t. For the first time in years I feel peaceful. No more pressure to put on a fake smile for him, no more mutilating my emotions to force myself to feel something I cant. Now I am left with the decision to let him come home and stay with him for the kids or change my life and hope that them seeing their mom and dad separate but emotionally healthy would be better than together and emotionally disabled.

I am in no position to give anybody advice. All I can say is that you need to give her space to figure out what she wants. If she doesn’t love you anymore no amount of candy, flowers or romantic letters can change that. You need to think about yourself and your children too, not just her. This is no reason to end your life!!!

I sincerely hope the best for you and your family. I know I will probably be crucified for this post but Christians are not perfect people either, we have all sinned. I wish this was not my story but it is.