OMGoodness...I had read your first post and replied but I just read your follow-up posts. My husband too called my lovers wife and told her what he suspected. Then he fessed up to his wife and thats how we got caught. But the guy I was having an affair with did not try to save his marraige when we got caught, he told his wife he was in love with me. I was the one who ended it, not him. My husband too was not working at the time...he was looking for a job. I'm convinced now that your roles are reversed. Your wife needs you to demonstrate strength, calling the wife could backfire on you if they both decide to walk away together. Like I said...I know people aren't going to like me for saying these things but they haven't been there...I have been there EXACTLY.

lasoutherngirl,

Could I interest you in starting your own thread?


Oh, and welcome to Marriage Builders...



Mark

I'm sorry if I posted in the wrong place.

lasoutherngirl,

I'm not suggesting you posted in the wrong place, but you sounded as if you could perhaps benefit from having a tread of your own. This can be a place of recovery, both marital and personal and many such stories, of both categories abound in these pages. There are many marriages that seemed well beyond the point of recovery that today are happy and thriving relationships and this due to the things learned here.

Mark

I want to know that it is possible to fall back in love, as my H feels like he has changed in to a person who as nice as i am. Am not for him. The reply from lasoutherngirl makes my heart feel like breaking.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

For starters, the OMW never called me back. Perhaps I'll try and call her today, and if not, I might just send her a letter.

I have a feeling, her husband (OM) concocted a story about a crazed husband of a wife at his work...calling people trying to find out his wifes lover (that would be about me). I had called the office repeatedly (6-10X) 2/14 and 2/15 (2-3X) while my wife was up there. I knew she was purposely not answering my calls, but I wanted to talk to her (2/14 calls started @ 11 PM, 2/15 called @ 7:00 PM). I also knew she was likely out with the OM (Valentines night...she finally got ahold of me at 1:00 AM). The next day I at least know they went to a nice dinner.

Anyway, on 2/15 I called some cell #'s on my wives phone list. It was somebody I knew, and I did not mention an affair to him, but mentioned we were having marital problems and I asked him to call into the office and see if my wife was there (if she was to have her call me b/c I wanted to talk to her). I don't know, but I went away from the conversation happily. The guy has met me and my wife speaks highly of him...I don't know, but he was empathetic and telling me his wife and him have problems blah blah blah. I only told him about our marital problems (didn't describe) b/c he wasn't in the office, and I had few phone numbers of people who could reach out to my wife. I don't feel guilty for calling a co-worker of my wifes...to find out where she was. I told the guy if I inconvienced him to let it go, but he was adamant, it was no problem to phone the office and see if she was there. Long story short..my wife had a meeting w/ him on Monday (person I called is part of executive management), and she told him I was a crazy jealous husband (he suspectd my wife was having an affair w/ OM b/c she was out 2/14 w/ him, and 2/15 at dinner - when he called his staff it was the OM, and he asked him where is Beth...beth picked up the phone to say she was out having dinner with OM). I am not crazy, but I am in love w/ my wife. I would never hurt anyone, and to be honest have not really gotten mad during the whole process. I am disappointed, and to be honest, I would probably get some satisfaction at pounding this guy's face in. But, there is little to no anger there.

So, I think the guy told his wife (OM) that I might be calling. I'm not sure, but the person I spoke to on 2/15 described above...he now is scared of me (per OM, he told my wife this other guy is getting security installed at his house. I told my wife the OM must have told him soemthing to make him feel threatened by me...perhaps my excessive calls to his cell phone). I think whatever my wife and her OM concocted...makes me sound crazy. I don't know. But, to think the OM told his wife the same silly story...is beyond me.

I feel really tied. I love my wife. I am unsure if love can return. I do feel optimistic, if she can get over the OM, I will fill her LB. I wonder how likely this is...

Lasoutherngirl, I really appreciate your insight. As I read, we do parallel one another a lot. My wife and I were the best of friends. We did not have children too young though. We both graduated college, and then 2 years afterward, we had our first child (@ 25 yoa). There are about 3 years between each. We have been together (dating) for nearly 13 years. I asked her, and by year she gave (10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 9, 8, 8, 8, 7, 5. 2007 was the 5. 2008 she is giving a 2. The 9 was the first year after I was laid off. I know there was a general regression over the years, but never thought there was anything seriously wrong with us. I almost verbatim gave the same answers as her.

I am not sure if she can fall back in love with me. I would be interested in your story. Did your husband continue to try to fill your love bank? Did you ever open it back up to him? Was he patient with you?

I know I have expressed to my wife to take it slow. If she is pressured in any way, to please take her time (kissing, cuddling, etc.). I know she isn't repulsed to have sex with me...and I've read that is usually a sign to a death of a marriage. I don't want my wife to get there if she is pressured to have sex w/ me. I am impatient, but wanting to wait for when the time is ready.

It is hard as she is trying to go on to the way things were. She sits and watches TV. But, things aren't quite the same...we aren't as flirty, close, etc. I want to be next to her, but want her to not feel smothered.

I do think you and my wife have a lot in common, and perhaps your husband and I. I am EMO needy. I feel my wife was too at one time. I do think she feels overwhelmed...she trys to take on the world, and at some point it becomes too much. I think that's what happened, and as she pushed away from me...she developed the new interests.

I only know I am trying to be my wife's friend right now. I don't think I can be her lover until she gets rid of the OM. I'm unsure that can happen. We start counseling on Monday, but I think we are both pessimistic about the person. We can barely understand the person. Funds are tight, and this person is free through church.

I hate it as my wife is so quick to jump to anger. If I mention hardly anything that confronts her A, or whatever...she is very defenseive, and feels like I'm cornering her. I keep trying to bring this to her attention, "please don't bite off my head." "I feel this way." My wife is angry I read a lot, and hates to hear any statistics for example. She has not read a single book which I've asked her to do...which I feel will help her and us w/ what we're going through. I told her the survival rate of A is 72%. It takes usually a good 2 years for a couple to overcome an affair. It takes 3 weeks on average to make considerable progress on losing feelings for the OM (after NC). I did not say these all at one time, but she is sick of hearing them. I have never said we are one of those statistics, but I've tried using them as guidelines to our case. I try to point out, if you maintain contact, it is likely going to be much longer than 3 weeks. It will likely give us a decreased chance at surviving the affair. It will likely take us longer than 2 years to get back close to where we were. Etc.

I'm not saying I want to give up. I love her. But, I often just get hopeless. She is very stand-offish when it comes to work. She is going to work, and that's that. At this time, there is no give with her work. To be honest, I know she is in love with the OM, but she also likes a single guy who is her boss. He has taken her out on a date recently (midnight for a burger). I think my wife is feeding off the attention. He often tells her things like "there's my favorite person in the world to talk to...you are our company's only A+ employee, etc. And her boss makes a few hundred thousand dollars a year, or a little more. I'm not saying my wife is into money, but it can't hurt. I can't help but think, she only sees the $$$ and they fill her "admiration" EN.

It's all very frustrating. My wife told me just last night she is planning the future around me. For example, I mentioned what would she do if I got a $50K/yr job, and she said we would buy our house a year earlier (upgrading). I think in the back of her mind...she wants to make things work. But as you said, lasoutherngirl, I don't know if her heart will ever be in it. I don't think it can be at this time...and it shows b/c she puts forth little effort. I feel this way anyway.

Well, it should be interesting. I would imagine the OM knows about my calls to his house yesterday. I was disconnected, or something like 10 times. I'm not sure, but I called back the first several thinking something was wrong (bad line or what have you). If they have caller ID, and my two message I left. I'm sure he'll talk to my wife. So, my wife coming home late tonight...she might be really angry.

I don't feel this guy wants to leave his wife. I do think it is a cake and icing thing. And to be honest, if I pushed him away from his wife, I think it was destined to happen later anyway. So, I think no harm no foul getting the OMW involved. In fact, I think she deserves to know the truth, and likely, she'll crack her whip, and the OM needs to decide at that time what to do.

My wife and I spoke about therapy. She said after 2 months things should be different between us. If not, then we should separate. I think, how can things be much better. Perhaps we can be better friends. I shared this with her, and she felt the same way...better friends. I think she just wants a miracle to happen, and suddenly she is back in love with me and we are the best of friends. Ughhhh...sorry for the really long post. I know you all can share similar frustrations. I love her, and wished she could see things for how they are. I am not saying she can fall back in love with me...but I'll improve on the areas I need, and I did fill her lovebank to the 10th degree for many years. I'm crossing my fingers...

Tell her that if she wants to give it a time limit, then perhaps you can give it 6 months, since you didn't get to this point all at once and won't return to where you were overnight either.

But one condition must be that she have no contact with OM during that time since she must give you a fair chance. And any contact with him will reset the timer to day one since she must get over him first in order to have a chance with you.

Just so you know...she'll not agree to this idea. She is negotiating to keep you while keeping him as well.

If she can say..."I tried, but it didn't work"...then her guilt is removed and she is free to continue with her life. After all, she tried to make it work.

And something to keep in mind here PB, is that as long as she is involved with OM in ANY way at all, her heart is NOT in it...She is acting from emotion and addiction rather than from logic and real feelings.

Once you get through to OMW, hang on tight because you will hear things from your wife that will make you want to crawl under a rock and die...They all say it and it always passes...Just be ready for it, OK?

Mark

Counseling is not going to work while she is in contact with OM. Her continued contact is preventing your M from having a chance to recover, it is preventing her from being able to fall back in love with you, this is really unavoidable and until you understand, accept, and enforce this you will continue to spin your wheels.

Mark1952 and others,

So, what do I do? She is not going to budge at this time. She uses work as her excuse, and she isn't going to quit her job...and they have to work together.

My thoughts, if it's an absolute that she not have an contact with OM for us to have a chance...shouldn't I tell her to leave?

I don't know if it will be so easy now since she has come back home. I know she will want to fight for the kids, or so I feel. Perhaps she will let me have them, as deep down, I think she knows they'll be better off with me. Time will tell, but $2300/month child support is a fair amount to swallow.

What do I do? I just don't think there is any compromise w/ work. She says she just needs time. She doesn't like to think she fits the mold of most everyone else, and our situation is between us (why she gets so mad at me reading books, etc.). I did say that she said she'd quit her job if I got him fired didn't I? I think that shows just how unrealistic she is being. She said she would have to quit out of guilt. I'm sorry, but why not do that now...w/ what she has done to the kids and I?

Help me out peeps...I'm close to making that leap. I just feel if she walks out, I won't see her again. But, reality might be I don't have a chance anyway. I don't want to give her the excuse that she tried. She is already using that...

My ex also did not want to leave her work or her OM there. She thought she did not fit the mold either. But she did. She never stopped the affair, and we got divorced.

If you allow the status quo to continue, you'll probably end up in my shoes, i.e. divorced. Now, don't get me wrong, it may not be the end of the world, there is life after divorce....

But, since you apparently want to save your marriage, you need to stop the affair. All else will fall on deaf ears as long as she is sleeping with him (Valentine's "dinner"?? come on bud!). You need to get them to end the affair.

There are many tools to ending the affair, but just being nice and continuing status quo (you being nice, her continuing to cake eat) is not one of them.

I'm sorry for the painful place you are in, BTDT, but something must change if you want to save the marriage.

AGG

PB, you really just have to stop listening to your WW's babble. Surely your recognize, after being here and reading other situations, that there's really nothing special about your WW's A, or your situation in general. The truly amazing (and useful) thing is that most affairs are actually quite similar. So similar that you can read pretty much any other situation and say "that's me!" or "that's my W!" or "that's my marriage!".

Your WW is saying and doing what most WSs say and do. She is buying time, stringing you along, doing anything and everything she can to get you to go along with her continuing her affair. She will do this for as long as you agree to it. She doesn't care what she says, or what she does, as long as it gets you to back off and give her the space she needs to feed her addiction to OM. She'll lie, she'll gaslight you, she'll threaten you and your status with the kids, whatever it takes to keep you off balance and insecure.

While there's certainly some uniqueness in all situations, there's some pretty immutable rules. One of those rules is that your marraige does not have a chance while the A is going on. Another rule is that an A will never truly end while your W still has contact with the OM.

You have to get your head around this. Her job: doesn't matter if OM is going to work there. Doesn't matter if she gets fired or quits, because she's going to have to stop working with OM if you are to remain married.

It doesn't matter if she gets mad about exposure either, because the choices are either: take the chance of making her mad in the process of ending the A, or get divorced becasue she won't end the A.

She will not end the A on her own, she is not going to suddenly wake up and realize what she is doing is wrong and decide to "do the right thing". Its just not going to happen.

You do what you have to do to end the A, in the face of her threats and anger, because you love her and know that these things are necessary for your marriage to have a chance. If your W were addicted to meth, would you stand down and watch her destroy herself? ****** no you wouldn't. You'd flush her drugs down the toilet, watch her every second, and drag her [censored] to rehab if that's what it took, right?

Instead of meth, you have OM. There's no weaning off of OM. You attack the A as if your M depended on it, BECAUSE IT DOES!!!! You accept the fact that some of those actions are going to really piss your WW off and that she is going to kick and scream and abuse you while you do it. It really is the only way.

Hi Jason,

I'm glad I could help shed some light on the other side. Three years ago I was right where she is now. I know that contacting the OMW is your plan but if that is what you decide to do then find a way to do it and follow through.

I can tell you that EVERY time you called him or her or her co-workers you are nailing your own coffin shut. Right now she is seeing EVERY phone call (and from reading your posts you made many) as obsessive. You may be reading books about marraige while she may be reading books on reactive attachment disorder or bipolar disorder. Your actions will dictate hers! Don't make her rationalize her affair. Making one effective phone call would be okay, but not calling repeatedly knowing you will be hung up on or disconnected...that is proving every theory she has about you right now. PLEASE....step back! I can tell you that I know you are rationalizing things like contacting her coworkers, but you shouldn't do that. Please please please step back! Don't force your love on her...it's the absolute WORST thing you can do.

The best thing you can do to disable her ability to manipulate the situation is make it simple. The more you talk the less she hears...remember that. Make it very simple. She ends the affair or your marraige.

I feel for you and know what you are going through. My wife is having an emotional relationship with a 29 year old co-worker. My wife is 44 years old. Its mostly cell phone calls but she cant stop. I feel as you do that this behavior will lead to physical relationship. I have asked her to stop talking to this guy but says that she has to talk to him for work. I am going to give my wife the emotional needs questions tonight. Then tell her again not to have any contact with this person. Following plan A guidelines. If she does not stop I am going to ask her to leave until she does as in plan B. I think you should do the same. You dont have much to lose right now. Hang in there.

Ughh.

Okay I called the OMW today. First, it broke my heart, was a child. I asked to speak to Senora T. He got her. She didn't say a thing and the phone went dead. I called back and she answered...said I don't speak English said something in Spanish and hung up. I called about 5 minutes later, and as she answered the phone I apoke in some Spanish. If the translator worked, it said your husband and my wife are having an affair. I spoke of Valentines Day, etc. I read about 5 lines of the letter, and she was lsitening. I got a hint of discomfort on her end. I asked if she was Senora T. and she said no, I said thanks and then we hung up. I then went and printed out the letter, and put it in the mail. I left my number. I hope to hear from her soon. At the least, I think the OMW may well have an idea brewing in her mind about what is really happening.

My wife still hasn't called me today. Thanks Lasoutherngirl. I think you speak what my wife wants. I must say, when I was 200 miles away on V-Day...thinking she was screwing this guy, or what have you...it was very upsettting. Especially when she said she would be calling me soon to leave (oh yeah, she went out of her way promising me she'd be in her hotel by 7:00). She missed a few deadlines, and then missed a very late night one. I was at probably the lowest I've been in life. My calls were excessive. I don't argue that.

I have stopped most of them as of late. The past two weeks, I might call her once a day at work...or I let her call me. I'm trying to give her distance.

Should I tell her to leave the house? Obvsiously as things are working out now, she is going to continue to have contact w/ this guy. What options do I really have? I give her an ultimatum...leave the house if you continue to work and see him OR stay here and let's win back our marriage. She is adamant she can do both...work and get rid of him. I don't think she can get rid of him...though, I think she would like to try at some level. On a higher level, she would hope he leaves his wife, and they marry.

I have to be honest...help hopeless make his decision. I love her. I don't see a great option as of now. I will try to keep my head up, and when I get a job...that'll be a start. I think I could honestly land a $35-75K/yr job w/in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure, but go in for testing on Monday for a Caterpillar job. My fingers are crossed.

My wife has all the control right now. I'm learning I have some, but if she refuses to leave...what happens? Can she get me kicked out of the house? I live in Illinois if that helps. Should I look into that right away? I would hate for her to legally kick me out while she pursues a divorce. Why should she get the choice of having an A and then keep the kids & house too. I am being honest, if I had the A and didn't want to work on the marriage, I would allow my wife to have the children. I have been the primary caretaker...and she would be dishonest to think she can take better care of them. But, selfishness may get the better of her.

I have to think she may know I contacted the OMW, as I haven't heard from her yet today. But as of late, she doesn't much call me anyway. I don't really care if she knows.

I'm just so frustrated about everything. I am close to asking her to leave...w/ authority. Is this the right decision? I don't want the kids caught in the middle, but her A is what has done this. I've asked for her to fight for our M, and she will only go about it her way. Thanks in advance.

Oh she'll know, and she's going to go ballistic. Keep very calm, tell her "I believe in our marriage and believe we can find a way to be happy together. That cannot happen with another person involved. I hope you will decide to end your contact with OM forever and give our marriage and our family a chance to heal."

DO NOT apologize for exposing the A. She will likely tell you that she was "going to work on the marraige until you did THAT!" Smile, and offer her a cookie.

She would need a court order to remove you from the house. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE AGREE TO LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN.

Realize that as the stay at home dad, you NOT being there causes a whole slew of logistical problems for her. That isn't what she wants. What she wants is you there being a docile stay at home dad providing her the freedom to carry on her infidelity.

I hear you guys. I do not think hers is overly unique (as unique as they all are, which is not much). There are generalizations...and I can say I agree w/ what you said. I think, "that's my wife, etc." There are many things that hit the nail on the head.

I do have some doubts as to PA. I know it is only natural for me to not want to believe it to have occurred (sex). My wife has lied about a lot of things. I hope she has been honest on the PA. I know I say this with honesty...if she came clean a week ago, I would have been okay with it. I gave her "one last" time to come clean. I have done it perhaps another time since...but I'm done w/ it. I must move forward with that idea as she is so adamant on it.

So, I believe her, and we move forward w/ us. Again, if I find out it was more physical than she told...it will be hard for me to move on. I made a strong committment to believing her like I did w/ my vows. On a very high level, I think they have only held hands and hugged. On some level, I have doubts b/c of other lies, and in reality...they are adults...sex is fun...I think my wife is beautiful, and I could see her being attractive to others.

Oh the humanity! Do you know she has cried the past two times we have had intercourse? Does this have any meaning? Obviously she has guilt. I believe she is thinking of him, and perhaps using me to fulfill her physical needs. But, do you think it is more that she had intercourse w/ him...and it's bothering her more now? I just know when she came back from 2/14 and 2/15 dates...she was much different. She wouldn't kiss me, or anything. She no longer likes me to be in the bathroom w/ her. But, we have had sex twice...and as of late, she is getting a little more comfort w/ me being in the bathroom. Oh yeah, 1st time of sex...she wanted it to be clear she was horny, and it was only for sex. She didn't want me to get my hopes up by us having sex. The 2nd time, "she wanted me to take whatever I wanted." I asked her if she could enjoy it if we did have sex, and she said she thought so. She came, and then afterward...cried. I have guilt b/c after that I asked her if she wanted to continue...she shook her head no, but upon my request...did it for me. I have a lot of guilt now, and wished I had just said don't worry about me.

Confused, depressed, hoping, dreaming, waiting...

Should I ask her to leave if she continues to work w/ him? Or do I let her stay here, and have her icing while she figures it all out?

I think you should do the very best Plan A you can and execute all options for attacking and ending the A before you move to Plan B, at that time you should explore options for getting her to leave the house.

With the kids and all that, I think Plan B for you may necessitate legal action, a D filing or a legal separation agreement, as she may not willingly leave.

Right now, you want to be in STRONG PLAN A. Meeting her needs, not lovebusting, not forcing relationship talks, SHOWING her you can be a good husband. You want that so if and when Plan B happens, she will have good memories of you to contrast with the now empty space in her life you used to occupy. Plan A is used in conjunction with attacking the A, you do BOTH, not one then the other.

I think you're also in high denial about the physical nature of this A. Out all night on Valentines day? And you think they were hugging and holding hands? C'mon PB. Women don't contemplate leaving thier families and cry while having sex with thier husbands over a hug and handshake.

If the OMW is home and you are free why not go to her house and present her with the evidence. Bring someone that can translate. OMW does not have to take action when presented with the evidence. But not being able to confirm if she knows you will not know if the OMW will be able to help. If it is her decision to pressure OM to give up WW.

She does feel guilt, but not for sleeping with him. She feels guilt for having sex with YOU, because in her fogged in mind, she is betraying HIM by having sex with YOU.

AGG