AGREE!

WATS, there is no reason to give up on your marriage now. There are plenty of opportunities to be explored here and this is far from hopeless. WE have many really former bad marriages that have been turned into GREAT marriages using these principles. And they were ALL marriages where the WS "lied and cheated." That is what waywards do and it makes no difference in the recovery outcome!

I don't know why MyRev is trying to discourage you, but be assured you have no legitimate reason to give up now. I see nothing in your situation that causes me to be discouraged. Even a bad marriage can be turned into a GREAT marriage and I am living proof of that. Don't allow anyone to discourage you without good reason, WATS.

I thought I made myself VERY clear in my two previous posts. I also made it VERY clear that it was WAT's choice to make. However, none of that changes the fact that he has an opportunity to receive an EXCELLENT property settlement agreement from his WW. Seems like a very "legitimate reason" to consider it as a viable option.

Its just my opinion, but I'm not a big fan of sending letters (other than maybe a Plan B letter). They rarely seem to have the effect that you would expect.

I've read it over and over and I see exactly what you are saying. I have re-written one based on a plan B letter which is much more like you stated, a basic "love letter" with no disrespect in it.

The problem is, after reading 'Love Must Be Tough' the basis of this type of letter is to make your WS feel he/she may not be able to get you back thus creating a longing for something they can't have while maintaining a level of self respect for the BS. I do, however see that the letter needs to be revised and as I stated it has been re-written with no disrespectful statements and a lot more love based on one I found on this site.

I'm just not sure when I should give this to my wife, since she has moved out and since the 10 of Feb. I haven't tried to make contact with her. The last time we spoke was when she dropped our son off at the house on the 17th of Feb. and she stayed for a while but we really didn't speak other than to ask 'how are you doing'. Of course, I was dying inside when she was at the house.


Thanks for your help!

Okay,

I broke down and sent her a text message this morning after exposing her to a former co-worker she still has contact with. It's funny my wife pointed the worker I spoke with in the right direction when he was tempted by an affair and I've now asked that he try and point her in the right direction.

The text I sent read as follows;

Sweetheart, I love you so much and want you to know that. You once told me you can't do this alone and I'm telling you that now. I know I've made mistakes and I am making changes to be the man I should have been. Please don't throw our life away now.

I guess I shouldn't have done that...

A favorable property settlement is hardly a legitimate reason to throw away a 21 year marriage. Of course it is his choice, but there is absolutely no reason to discourage the man when there is hope. He has stated he wants to save his marriage and there is no reason to believe he can't.

WAT, I would follow the letter from MB, because I think that a TOUGH letter is going to cause her to tune out. You need to be FIRM, but not so firm that you turn her off. It needs to be simple and it needs to be pleasant, because this is the last thing she will hear from you when she goes dark. Many waywards report reading those letters over and over again.

I think your BEST opportunity lies in getting intel on the OM and exposing to his family. You might be able to kill the affair that way. That is not an opportunity you can afford to pass up even if you have to hire a PI to do it. He may very well be married and you could ruin this affair with one little phone call.

Please stop doing that. That is more PLEADING and you can see where that has got you. She already knows you love her.

Wats - I know its hard, but you really need to settle down. You appear to be acting on impulse and out of desparation and that doesn't get you anywhere. You need to figure out a plan.

Some people have already laid out the first steps, (disrupt the A, expose, start plan A/B) but don't start executing anything until you've figured out the whole plan. So you need to read up here and ask more questions, read SAA, etc.

But in the meantime, no letters, no text messages, no marriage talk, no arguing, etc. If you have to have contact with your WW act like nothing is going on.

Whatever you say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ... its obvious WAT is not going to follow my suggestion anyway. Also, once you get involved in a thread, it can ONLY be your way, which hasn't turned out too well lately, but you just keep on advising based on your rigid (and faulty) MB interpretations. Hopefully, your involvement won't actually hurt WAT, like it did lino.

Good Luck WAT, you're going to need it.

Okay, I've got it. And yes I was acting on impulse. I will make plans on contacting the OM's family tonight if possible but that is a priority right now for me. Thank you all for the slap on the hand! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Should I send the revised letter to her now or should I wait a while since that last text message I sent was just this morning? I feel I should probably wait a while with no contact at all before I send it but your guidance is welcome. And if wait is the answer, then how long...2wks..3wks..more?

In the meantime I will focus on the OM family and revealing the A to them.

brief aside
hey My rev..hows it going bro ??
jb
wat...please just calm down..you are doing the right things..
get some support so you can relax
melody..
i still love ya

I appreciate all the advice that I'm given, so thank you all. Rev, as stated I see your point but you all know my stance now and I've made it clear. So, you should know that I don't see your post, Rev, as telling me to take the settlement and run with it but just as someones opinion and other alternatives...that I may not have looked at rationally. I'm old enough to make my own decisions on which path to follow and now everyone knows I'm on the marriage saving path. Rev, I appreciate your post and thank you all.

Wat, don't let Myrev distract you, he gets excited whenever someone disagrees with his bad advice. Just know that your situation is certainly NOT hopeless and there is no legitimate reason to throw in the towel. There is lots of opportunity here yet and lots of things to try. You will get lots of help on this forum, so just hang in there, friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Is there any advice on the question I presented a couple of posts back about the length of time I should wait before I send the plan B letter? Take into account that I just texted her this morning.

Also, i will post my new plan B letter soon.

Wat

I've seen MelodyLane here help so many BS's save their marriage. You have not been here long enough to sift through all the advice that is offered here.

BH's tend to not have enough patience and need to have things fixed yesterday. Time is an important ally and tool.
Time will prevent you from making decisions before you have to. Time helps to heal. Time helps the WS to come out of their fog. Time allows a BS to gather proof.

Doing good JB ... just wading through the weinies and BS (and that's not Betrayed Spouse <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). As a matter of fact, I think recovery is going so well that its probably best to wean myself from this site, as I feel its actually becomes a detriment to full recovery due to all of the pain and dysfuntion encountered. I've noticed that very few posters that appear to be fully recovered remain here, but leave to actually enjoy their newly discovered M's, and I think I want to go where they are.

Sorry for the threadjack, WATS ... I wish you nothing but Good Luck.

Thanks for the nice words, TheRoad!



WAT, I would play this by ear until you get the intel on the OM. You HAVE to get the goods on him before you can move forward.

I agree very much with rprynne's post about getting prepared and getting educated. GEt Surviving an Affair and read up this weekend.

Wats01

When was Dday?

Is your WW still living at home?

Why are you going to plan B?

Do you know that you need to do a good plan A for six months before you go to plan B?

The reason is that without doing a plan A first your WW will not see any changes that you have made in yourself.
You have not given insight on how much of a better marraige that the both of you can have if she came back.
WS's need a motivation to re discover their feelings for their BS's.

Your are only looking at this crisis from your view and things are clouded with your pain.

Being vindictive is not how you win as WS's heart back.

You catch more flies with honey then....

Slow down. No stop and re examin what MelodyLane is willing to offer you.