NP, Rev.

And I agree, Mel, that the pri 1 is to get the goods on the OM.

Thanks!

Did I give you the name of the PI some of us have used? He is very good and very fair priced. He can't follow anyone for you outside of WV, but he can do any intel work and does it well. It is Frank Music at www.frankmusicinvestigations.net Ask for him personally.

Thank you, Mel. If I need him I'll certainly give him a call.

Road,

Sorry, I didn't answer your questions sooner but here they are.

DDay was November 14th and my wife is not living at home right now. She moved out on the 5th of Jan. and before she moved out there was a lot of begging, pleading and tears on my part. And basically I feel I drove her out of the house because I just wouldn't give her the space she was asking for. I was doing everything I shouldn't have done. I had backed off quite a bit before she left but it seemed every conversation we had, regardless of what it was about, led to our relationship troubles. I haven't attemped to contact her since the text I sent her last week.

I fear that she will not see the changes I'm making since she has moved out. She does pick our son up on some weekends. Matter-of-fact she has had him the past 3 weekends. When she drops him off she avoids conversation with me. I was working on replacing our mailbox yesterday when she dropped our son off. She drove down our driveway dropped him off and headed out and she waved, I waved back smiling at her. She didn't attempt to speak at all just drove off.

I had no luck contacting the OM's parents over the weekend but did expose to others that may put pressure on the A.

Its great that she's set you up as the primary care provider and by leaving the house has also abandoned her son in the eyes of the court.

I think its important that you take some weekends with your son as well, don't let her have him every weekend. Try to set the precedent where she is getting him every other weekend and that's it. That's a very favorable custody split in your favor and you just keep that going for as long as you can. If you can do this split while dragging a divorce out as long as you can it will be less likely that a judge will change the status quo if everything is good as far as your son is concerned.

I know you probably don't want to talk about D, but you need to recognize that no matter what you do that D is a possible outcome, and as far as D goes, you aren't looking to bad right now. If you're gonna get D, you might as well have it go in your favor as much as possible is all I'm sayin!

Sounds to me like you made the same mistakes most of us BHs make. Don't worry too much about it man. Its a crappy time and I don't think many of us reacted well until we found this place. Stick with Plan A. Call her up, ask her out for lunch. Don't be pushy or needy, just ask her, if she says no, just let it drop. Ask her again a few days later. You need some face time where you aren't a hopeless wreck.

Start getting some projects done around the house, get some new clothes and some cologne, exercise. Start taking care of yourself. Act busy, don't answer EVERY time she calls, and sometimes, act busy when she does, like you have stuff to do!

I believe that the quicker you come around to accepting that divorce is at least a possible outcome, and realize that you do NOT need your W to have a good life, the more likely she is to come back.

WAT, and you also have to find out his marital status and what he does. Do you have a phone # for him? You might be able to call his house, disguising your # with *67, and calling to see who answers.

Well, I have seen her when she has dropped our son off and I wasn't a wreck. I was dying inside but my attitude and appearance was that of control and confidence with the exception of the text I sent her last week which, I'm sure, came across as pleading. The text message can be read, it's a few posts back.

I have started exercising for frequently lately and staying busy around the house. Funny the house is cleaner now than when we were together....hahaha.

My wife hasn't attempted to contact me in a while and perhaps I shouldn't even aske her to lunch or anything until she does attempt to contact me, if ever.

One of the fears I have is that this OM will come down to see her and if our son is with her on the weekends that will defeat his attempts to visit. He lives in NH now and we are in VA.

Mel,

Thanks, I have two numbers for him but I'm not sure if either is a home number. I found him on classmates.com and his bio says that he has been divorced for 8 years. I know that you can't believe everything you read, especially on a bio. He has pictures posted and all kinds of info about himself on classmates.com. Seems desparate.

YOU act from your truth and your strength Wats. You want to save your marriage, you recognize there were flaws, you believe you two can recover from it. That can't happen while she is with OM. While in Plan A, you want to spend as much quality time with your WW as you can. You want to make yourself attractive to her, let her see the man she fell in love with originally. That doesn't mean whining and begging and pleading, but you are going to have to be the one to initiate that face time.

As I said, don't beg and plead, but invite, and when she declines, just accept it, which in itself will show her that you are changing and that you are strong.

If you're in Plan A, then DO Plan A. ATTACK the A on all fronts, do not enable the A, and be pleasant as can be with your WW when given the chance.

Thanks, Tyk.

Mel suggested I wait for her to contact me and go from there but you are suggesting I make contact and try to get some time with her. Which should I do....?

I will wait a week or two, unless someone can convince me otherwise, to invite her to dinner or some other 'fun' activity.

Any suggestions are welcome but I feel I should wait at least a week before I try to spend QT with her. I'm sure she will decline but I won't push the issue in any way.

WATS01

You did not drive your WW out the house. She left because it was too hard to stay home and carry on her affair.

As Tyk said: Demand every other weekend for you to have your son. Tell your WW that you deserve weekend time with son just as much as WW does.

If she complains that it's not enough time remind her that it is her choice to leave the home and have an affair.

I have my son all week and actually suggested to my son that he spend the weekend with his mother to help disrupt any attempts this OM may have in seeing my wife. Although he lives in NH and we live in VA, he did state in his love letter to her that he'd be able to come down before he actually moves to VA in roughly a year.

So, my son's visit with his mother this past weekend was my doing.

If you are in Plan A then I think you should be seeking ways to spend time and engage with your WW. You should be seeking to fill whatever ENs she will allow you to fill.

I understand and I'm prepared to do that without any LB's.

A bit of an update.

I spoke to my MIL last night and she has been in more frequent contact with WW lately, which bothers me because My WW has despised her mother for so long and even refused to take her calls or to see her for so long. Now she is talking to her and while in the beginning of this whole situation we are in now my MIL was on my side.....she is now, understandably, taking my WW's side. My WW has spoken to her and revealed to her that she had been unhappy for so long and felt I was controlling and needed to grow up among other things. I admit guilt to some of the claims she is presenting but they happended so long ago and I apologized for them so many times. She has never forgiven me it seems.

It isn't about her forgiving you. She needs those things to justify her actions to herself.

I understand that, it just really bothered me when I spoke to my MIL, even though I know she doesn't know anything about the relationship between my WW and I since she has been ostracized by my WW for so long. Now my WW is speaking to her again. WW had good reason to be angry with her mother and shut her out but now she is confiding in her. I guess she knows her mother has no idea about our relationship and also knows her mother will accept anything she says.

ok, WAT, you have to find out if he is married! You need to know if he is married and who his parents are. Will you PLEASE investigate this NOW? Call a PI and get this information. Just because he says on classmates.com that he is divorced, does not mean he is! And lets say he is divorced, you may want to call his XW. And you certainly want to call his mother!

WATs, does your MIL know about the affair?