|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
Being young and immature, I did not have the proper attitude toward the female gender, even without porn. What made me capable of a proper romantic and sexual relationship was time, experience, and personal growth, not the elimination of porn.
*************************************
can you see how a young man who looks to porn to educate himself can get the wrong message bout sex and relationships? Absolutely, if that is the only sex ed he gets. It would be like your only view of working in a restaurant is "Top Chef". As I said, in my teenage years I saw very little porn. I still had a skewed view of relationships. Lack of porn did not change that. Consider my sex ed: Parents had no advice other than keep it in my pants. Good advice to a point, but was I supposed to keep it there forever? School gave me nothing beyond reproductive mechanics and STDs. Church had nothing to say, beyond don't do it. Still good advice, but limited. So what I learned was from my peers. Not much better than porn.
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
Sorry for intruding, the following logic just struck me:
I'm not the one that wrote that, but it seems to me that in this case you are both on the same page. I took the statement "[Pornography] doesn't care..." to be specifically pointing out that porn is NOT a sentient entity. Depends on how you read it. If you describe something as inherently evil, you are giving it human qualities. I believe that PEOPLE can do evil things. Things are not good or evil, they just are. I don't want to devolve into semantics, just my POV.
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
Absolutely, if that is the only sex ed he gets. It would be like your only view of working in a restaurant is "Top Chef".
****************************
not sure I understand your analogy.
Last edited by nia17; 04/20/08 09:38 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243 |
As limited as it is, that's all it is.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
Absolutely, if that is the only sex ed he gets. It would be like your only view of working in a restaurant is "Top Chef".
****************************
not sure I understand your analogy. I guess I should quit using analogies.  I was saying that media gives us a view that is not realistic and not really helpful. In the same way that porn is not what a healthy sexual relationship is all about, neither are so-called reality shows an accurate picture of what their purported subject is.
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243 |
He is saying that there is more involved in the workings of a restaurant than as seen by considering the business solely from the chef's point of view. i.e. limited.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243 |
I guess I should quit using analogies. You should quit trying to impress others with knowledge and experience you don't possess. You attempt to hoodwink with a flourish of vocabulary and concepts you have only read somewhere.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243 |
Goodwrench,
The nagging question of the moment is:
As an husband and father of at least one daughter yet at home, how is it you have so much time to spend in these forums? There is something about you that doesn't ring true. You rarely make reference to a wife except for an occasional 'her' or 'she'.
Goodwrench, I think you have a lot in common with a three dollar bill.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
Absolutely, if that is the only sex ed he gets. It would be like your only view of working in a restaurant is "Top Chef".
****************************
not sure I understand your analogy. I guess I should quit using analogies. I was saying that media gives us a view that is not realistic and not really helpful. In the same way that porn is not what a healthy sexual relationship is all about, neither are so-called reality shows an accurate picture of what their purported subject is. ************************************ I have never watched Top Chef, and I wasn't sure if you were trying to make a more specific analogy. My H once tried to make the analogy that his looking at porn was like me looking at pottery barn catalogs. I imagine he picked that line up in one of the mens magazines. I found it pretty offensive....but, for reasons that never even entered his mind. It was an interesting discussion.
Last edited by nia17; 04/20/08 10:12 AM. Reason: typos
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243 |
Would be wonderful if he decided to exchange porn for pottery.
Think of all the useful articles you could have around the house.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
Absolutely, if that is the only sex ed he gets. It would be like your only view of working in a restaurant is "Top Chef".
****************************
not sure I understand your analogy. I guess I should quit using analogies. I was saying that media gives us a view that is not realistic and not really helpful. In the same way that porn is not what a healthy sexual relationship is all about, neither are so-called reality shows an accurate picture of what their purported subject is. ************************************ I have never watched Top Chef, and I wasn't sure if you were trying to make a more specific analogy. My H once tried to make the analogy that his looking at porn was like me looking at pottery barn catalogs. I imagine he picked that line up in one of the mens magazines. I found it pretty offensive....but, for reasons that never even entered his mind. It was an interesting discussion. I'll bet. One thing I am unsure on from your posts. Were you successful in getting your H to quit viewing porn? If so, what was it that worked?
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
I'll bet. One thing I am unsure on from your posts. Were you successful in getting your H to quit viewing porn? If so, what was it that worked?
**************************************
I never set out to get my H to quit viewing porn.
I never forbid my H to view porn....I did tell him what I didn't like about it and that I didn't want him going to strip clubs(that goes back to before marriage when bachelor parties at strip clubs were common) He told me he understood and it wasn't an issue.
My H was very good at hiding his IB for most of our marriage.
he traveled for work.......several years ago, he realized he had a problem w/ it and realized his problem and continually trying to cover it up was keeping him defensive and distant (which made me not trust him) and keeping us from having the relationship he craved.
He decided to see an IC to learn more about himself.
He now says he stays away from it. I do not monitor him...but,if I ever find out he's gone to a strip club again, I will leave him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
I'll bet. One thing I am unsure on from your posts. Were you successful in getting your H to quit viewing porn? If so, what was it that worked?
**************************************
I never set out to get my H to quit viewing porn.
I never forbid my H to view porn....I did tell him what I didn't like about it and that I didn't want him going to strip clubs(that goes back to before marriage when bachelor parties at strip clubs were common) He told me he understood and it wasn't an issue.
My H was very good at hiding his IB for most of our marriage.
he traveled for work.......several years ago, he realized he had a problem w/ it and realized his problem and continually trying to cover it up was keeping him defensive and distant (which made me not trust him) and keeping us from having the relationship he craved.
He decided to see an IC to learn more about himself.
He now says he stays away from it. I do not not monitor him, but if I ever find out he's gone to a strip club again, I will leave him. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but would you say that after realizing what it was doing to his M, he cured himself?
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
I don't want to put words in your mouth, but would you say that after realizing what it was doing to his M, he cured himself?
*******************************
Well, I didn't want to get into all the details.....he didn't REALIZE all by himself.....it took facing the loss of the relationship for him to realize he wanted to 'cure' himself....and, it's an ongoing process.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
Why do you think he would anyway, given what was at stake? This question can best be answered by him alone don't you think? ************************************** Mr Goodwrench, Just want to let you know.... The answers I gave to your question above were not my opinions or assumptions....they came from my husband... we have discussed the issue in detail over the last few of years. He once talked about porn and sex the way you do. I am not 100% anti porn....I try to be realistic about it... but much of what ItCouldHappen says has played out in my own marriage and I can not pretend that porn didn't play a part in it. Did it all happen because of porn? No.... but,porn played a significant role and it was the "beginning" for my H.
Last edited by nia17; 04/20/08 11:57 AM. Reason: clarificatin
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
Mr Goodwrench,
Just want to let you know....
The answers I gave to your question above were not my opinions or assumptions....they came from my husband... we have discussed the issue in detail over the last few of years.
He once talked about porn and sex the way you do.
I am not 100% anti porn....I try to be realistic about it... but much of what ItCouldHappen says has played out in my own marriage and I can not pretend that porn didn't play a part in it.
Did it all happen because of porn? No....
but,porn played a significant role and it was the "beginning" for my H. Once again, I don't want to make any assumptions here, but it sounds like it has worked out to the satisfaction of you both, correct? If so, I am very happy that the two of you were able to do so. Like I said, the fact that your H understood why he was doing it was critical to his ability to stop, which was critical to your M. I like a success story as much as anyone.
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
Once again, I don't want to make any assumptions here, but it sounds like it has worked out to the satisfaction of you both, correct?
**************************************
Betrayal causes lots of problems. Trust is difficult. We are still working at rebuilding the relationship.....some days are good, some difficult.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
Like I said, the fact that your H understood why he was doing it was critical to his ability to stop, which was critical to your M.
*************************************
true.....but, he spent an awful lot of time sneaking and hiding IB from me, and trying to convince himself the reason he couldn't talk to me about was because I would never accept it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
Like I said, the fact that your H understood why he was doing it was critical to his ability to stop, which was critical to your M.
*************************************
true.....but, he spent an awful lot of time sneaking and hiding IB from me, and trying to convince himself the reason he couldn't talk to me about was because I would never accept it. What do you think about using the MB principles of surviving infidelity in this instance?
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
Like I said, the fact that your H understood why he was doing it was critical to his ability to stop, which was critical to your M.
*************************************
true.....but, he spent an awful lot of time sneaking and hiding IB from me, and trying to convince himself the reason he couldn't talk to me about was because I would never accept it. What do you think about using the MB principles of surviving infidelity in this instance? **************************************** Well...that IS what brought me to MB in the first place....I googled marriage help because I wanted o find away to restore the intimacy in our marriage...that was a few years ago...I read this site and ordered HN/HN and tried that route....it went well for a while....and then, somewhere along the way I found out about more and more IB and cover ups etc......it gets quite difficult to meet needs when your lovebank keeps getting drained...but, we do still use MB as a guideline.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
459
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
