Truth be told, you were more than adequate. Most obvious is that you are a real person. Sadly, when a man becomes dependant on pornography for sexual gratification he has along with it become accustomed to being without any burden of performance anxiety of any kind. This, I think, becomes one of its hooks which is set more deeply the longer one is involved with it.

I doubt there are many, if any, men who wouldn't prefer they had never been exposed to pornography but rather had developed over time the intimacy with their wives which was discussed earlier in this or a related thread. Pornography is very destructive where this is concerned. And I believe if genuine healing is to occur, total abstinence from pornography is a must.

from a a SA recovery site...
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Like masturbation, but in a much more limited scope, pornography can actually be used to promote intimacy and sexual health within a relationship. The scope of this, however, is so small that it is not recommended for anyone struggling with any sexually-compulsive behaviors until they have made the transition from recovery to health. One of the biggest consequences that pornography brings to the equation is its ability to zap the person of their emotional energy. This makes relationships (especially when those relationships involve intimacy) extremely difficult to maintain.
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I don't think people realize the way porn effects the intimacy in the relationship until they are forced to face it.
I didn't want to believe that it had the power to pull my husband away from me again and again.....so much of his emotional energy was spent in fantasy and cover up...there was little left for the relationship.

Your exactly right. I didn't show I loved my wife enough because of my addiction and now shes a WAW. I hope, I pray and I cry everyday and every night that I can save this marriage and prove to her that I love her more then anything on this earth and that I want to be the man I use to be to her and that I want our marriage to flourish once again. She means the world to me and I have hurt her deeply.

My concentration was so great it took away so many things from my wife and my marriage that always use to be there. I only wish I could have realized sooner it was hurting our marriage more then I thought it would help (we were both into it). I hope she realizes I see that now and I will do my best to solely work on my marriage. It's hard when shes a WAW, it's really hard not to say just come home and I will protect you, love you, spend so much time learning your emotional needs that your bank will run over. It's really hard because I know I will do that but she doesn't believe it will stay that way

My concentration was so great it took away so many things from my wife and my marriage that always use to be there. I only wish I could have realized sooner it was hurting our marriage more then I thought it would help (we were both into it).
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I remember telling my H that I didn't mind if he looked at it to help US...it was the exclusivity of it that bothered me.
He looked at me w/ a kind of blank stare....I think (educated dj lol ) all he heard was the 'I don't mind' part and he used it to continue to justify his IB to himself.

So much time is spent trying to normalize it and change people's views (and values) about it that it takes awhile to actually realize that it is often destructive to the development of the relationship.
The intimacy in the relationship needs to develop first...w/ honesty and openness and vulnerability and shared goals and values.... before that, each individual must be emotionally mature enough to be honest w/ themselves before they can be honest w/ a spouse.

Pornography is a addictive and progressive. It is a STRONG natural desire for men to lust women. I think that is why some feel their is nothing WRONG with it. I mean it is a STRONG desire. But, a Christian man has no place in this lifestyle.

There is a book and workshops too - "Every Man's Battle". A porn addicted man is like a drug addicted man. He cannot get through this alone. He needs the help of Christ and accountability. Porn addiction is not natural or a right - it is a weakness. It is the sign of a man that has a low emotional intelligence. Someone never gave him boundaries. He is walking around not keeping his heart and mind in check.

We ARE required to have SOME discipline in our lifes. "If any man come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me" Matt 16:24

I think the only horrible thing about the whole subject is how quiet it is kept. Our fathers should be setting out guidelines in our youth so we have understanding of the way a mans mind works and setting out some direction of how to live by not shaming them for having these desires, but directing them toward a healthy lifestyle with an understanding of the woman's heart and mind as well.

My husband guards our marriage to such an extreme that he will not talk to a woman he finds attractive if he can avoid it. He even holds his breath if a woman smells good as she walks by. There ARE men who live this way and value their marriage reserve their desires for their wives alone. He will never be immune - it is a matter of vigilance of keeping our relationship good and us guarding ourselves from outside influence - for a lifetime.

IF you are not a Christian, than ignore this message. It won't apply...this is a war waged in the husbands desire for purity and with Christ's help and the support of an understanding wife.

jackie76, you are one lucky lady!! I can't think of a man I've met in the past four years that see's things from your husbands perspective. Not even so called "Christians".

Congrats for finding a man that true and dedicated!!!

Hmm, makes me wonder why it only applies to men...pet peeve of mine...Women watch it too, women get addicted to porn too...But as it is, whenever you read about porn threads all you see is "men this, men that", "he looks at a naked women an it makes me feel less of a person"..

And unless porn is an addiction(replacing you) then whats the big deal...

Yes, it is a HUGE deal if your SO is addicted and/or satisfying himself and rejecting you. But as much as anyone can say it is destructive, it can also be a healthy compliment to a stable realtionship...

....you mean like the flu virus is a healthy compliment to a stable immune system...

Yet another "if you loved me and were attracked to 'me' you would never look at a person of the other sex"...Please..

...still the wiser course is to avoid that which is proven to have caused far more harm than anything else...

Perhaps generally speaking that could be claimed. But not universally, and certainly not in my own situation. Therefore, each individual couple should determine on their own whether it would, and choose accordingly.

most guys that get " into " porn are selfish and wind up taking care of their need by masterbating.meanwhile the mate is left sad and loney yet while with someone.

Boy, listening to all the crap on this particular thread remainds me why i never bring a quetion into this side. If I have a comment fine, but I only trust Dr. Harley to give me a stable answer!!