OK, I missed that. You're right. It is a hopeful thing.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Also, Mopey, let me commend you. As long as you were giving Stalwart a nickname, I think it's much better that you picked "Stal" rather than "Wart."

On a positive note.

Thank you Mopey,Pepper et.al. for the suggestions and ideas. Thanks for also not pulling any punches. I am a grown man and can take it.

I sent my wife an email and in it simply asked what she needed from me or wanted me to do. I am not sure where it will all lead, but I can be a strong man for her and do what ever it takes to help her heal. Even if we divorce she deserves me to be at my best for her.

She is worried about intimacy with me and is concerned that she will not be able to satisfy my sexual needs. I am not sure where it will all go. I am a man with a strong drive, but the thing I really want from her right now more than anything is to see her smile at me.

Stalwart, I concur w/ Mopey, HIF and Pep.

As a man, I feel that in general men do not understand how damaging it can be. As primarily visual, rather than feeling creatures, we see porn quite differently from our "better" halves.

After watching the very enlightening Christopher West DVDs on the Pope's Theology of the Body, I have a much greater understanding for the damage it can cause, and a new respect for the female form.

Momentary t/j...



HIF, I meant to put a smiley face after that...sorry if you were offended...no offense meant, just an acknowledgement that it was a first for me to see...



No, HIF, no one "hmmmmmmm'd" me. Probably b/c my first post was a complete history of who I am and what my problem was.

I could not read your mind from your post # 1, but based on your explanation I now understand fully. Thank you for filling me in.

Again, no offense was meant...only pointing out something that was curious...

As for # of posts (beyond 1 - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />), I'm not sure how that's relevant. I think we've all seen that a high post count is an indicator of only 2 things: how long said posters have known of this website, and how much time they devote to posting.

One day I will also rank higher in that department...hope I'm the wiser for it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Best of luck, Stalwart.

L2F

Best of luck, Stalwart.

Thanks L2F

Yeah as a guy visuals work for me a lot. Ironicly I see my wife as very beautiful.
As far as how damaging porn is: I hurt my wife and betrayed her trust due to my own willful, selfish, stupidity.
It doesn't matter if it was porn, gambling, or alcolol I chose not to stop it even though it hurt her. I feel ashamed of my actions. The only thing I can do is never use porn again and never change my mind.
I need to find ways to put her first in my love. I have read HNHN and LB so I have some ideas. I am not sure how hard to push the whole MB programme on her.
I made my Big Plan for Rational Recover only 3 weeks ago; I am confident that it works, but I think she needs more time and space.

I see so much good can come if we work through the HNHN bood together. It doesn't seem right to me to force her to do a lot of sharing with that right now. She is still hurting. I am not sure when she will be ready for something like that.

She will need time to process the changes...you will need time to cement the changes into yourself...

You have begun a wonderful journey of self-rediscovery.



When she's ready.

Be patient with her...and yourself.

L2F

Hope Stalward will allow a brief t/j. L2F, I debated with my muse over whether I give some background in the first post. Decided not to. Maybe I wouldn't need to. I was curious, too. So many questions (even accusations) on the boards lately about new posters--not you particularly, just in general. Is troll or is not troll; that is the question. So when you asked, I answered. Maybe I should've used a smilie after mine, too! Maybe I shouldn't have assumed you meant we were trolls, either. Oh well. No harm, no foul. I assume. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I debated also whether to even post at all. It's hard to revisit that time of my life. But I did because I wanted Stalwart to understand how a woman might look at it. Decades later, it still hurts when I think about it. So I don't. Usually. But where a man might say, "It's just a *%%@$#* PICTURE!" a woman might answer back, "That's just the point!"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((((((HIF))))))

I'm so very glad you DID post, HIF, because honestly, most men truly do NOT understand how women feel on this subject.

Most think it's a "victimless crime"....it's so not.

Thank you for your perspective...it's so very valuable!

L2F

My 2 cents - while I agree that viewing porn when you know that it is hurtful to your wife, especially when it becomes an adiction, is very harmful to a relationship, I do not think it is the same as adultery with a real, live person that could result in pregnency, STDs, many broken hearts on both sides of the equation, and pain so deep that the betrayed wife may never be able to recover.

Matthew 5:28

Jesus' 2 cents

stalwart,

I'll get back to you later, but I do want you to know that I dealt with this for 15 years with my FWS. It escalated into an A at the end. Although, I must say, it was partly because of MY reaction to it. I wasn't very nice. We got into a 'pattern', so to speak.

More details tomorrow.

Just want to let you get a feeling of how this REALLY is for a wife that deals with this stuff.

And it won't be a 2x4. Just the other side of it and the damage it does.

For what it's worth, my H is no longer into 'porn'. I'll tell you why tomorrow, or when I have the time.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps.(((((HUGS!!!)))howitfeels <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> you are awesome for helping.

Then you don't know as much as you think you do. And unless you're a spouse who has been through it, you do not have a clue.

If you're interested in "learning" more, you could always check out RecoveryNation.com and see the broken hearts there.

It is amazing to me how someone can say stuff like this without knowing first hand what it feels like. If you've never experienced it, maybe you shouldn't give your .02.

What is your story Truthskr? Did you change your name so you could post incognito too? HIF had a reason to. Do you?

Have you ever experienced infidelity?

Miss M, God luv ya, but honestly, I do not see how you can say that your H using porn and having an affair could possibly be because of something you did.

You were not responsible for his affair, or his porn use.

Even if you withheld sex, there are healthier ways to cope with life.

truthskr,

If you are seeking the truth, then perhaps you should listen to the women here that have suffered tremendously from their H's addicted to porn, before you make a judgement call.

The truth is that this is very detrimental to any relationship, because the spouse is seeking something outside of the marital relationship.

all I can say is that my H caused a great deal of grief for our M. How can a woman compete with that? You tell me and we will both know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

mopey,

I hear ya.

However, how I dealt with it was WRONG.

It's between me and God. He showed me that how I dealt with it was not good.

You just don't return evil for evil. It was beyond withholding SF.

I didn't deal with it in a healthy manner, I was just plain MEAN. I haven't been that way for a long time.

You are right, in a way, it is not because of something I did, but I did NOT handle things in an appropriate manner.

Thank you so much for your support.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Matthew 5:28......

"But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

And we're not talking just looking. As HIF said, there was a woman, a man, and bodily fluids as well.

So much for your wisdom "Truthskr". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It is, and feels like, adultery. Period.

I hear you too Miss M.

Hey Stal, so I take it then that you asked your wife what you could do to help her? Did you ask her to write a list? If so, what was her response?


HIF.....yeah, I don't think Stal would have liked wart...lol....hunh Stal?

Hey Stal....can I call you Stal?....lol....Hope so, it's easier.....lol....

Wow - such hostility! I am a woman, and I have experienced pain from my husband viewing porn and pain from affairs, and I'd lots rather have him in the den looking at porn on his computer then trolling a bar looking for a real live girl. Of course, I'd really like him to do neither, but it has been my experience that an affair was far, far more painful. Why do you find my opinion so threatening?