It was suggested I might move my thread to this forum so I pasted it


Well I have just about given up hope. My story is long but will attempt to condense the best I can. Had an internet porn addiction problem 14 months ago. Within 24 hours of WW discovery I had myself in a good 12 step program and had blocking software on computer. Wife supported my efforts but all along I loved to play poker and the porn addiction simply spilled over into a gambling problem. When I gambled I also drank get the picture. There is no doubt I caused my wife so very much heartache. I cannot imagine the pain she must have gone through at times.

Well she threw me out the beginning of August can't blame her for that. Se used some tough love however she placed her profile of dating sites and almost immediately started an EA. During the holidays my children wanted nothing to do with me this finally brought me to rock bottom. I cried out to God and repented and God has and is performing the most amazing transformation of Grace that one can imagine.

However I have just about come to conclusion that the price for my prodigal ways is the loss of my very best friend. Through the entire separation my wife and I had daily contact by phone or in person. Usually had lunch or dinner about once a week. Never had and argument and agreed on everthing with regard to parenting our s7. Never dreamed she was having EA.

After my recommittment to the Lord I expected her to break off the EA and begin R of our marriage. I should say that during that time of separation she filed for divorce. Again I was in such denial about everything that it never occurred to me that perhaps she meant business. Addictions can do that to you. Well for the last two months I have made more of a mess than done any good. At times we have really connected and the fog had lifted and she was my wife for short moments. However for the most part I disgust her and the OM is wonderful. I am sure most on here know the story.

Well Saturday night was the breaking point I drove to the house and the OM was there. To make the story short I very nicely asked him to leave and informed him that this was my home and my wife was still a married woman. He left, the wife was pissed but we talked about it. I spent night on the couch left next morning came back around 10 AM and she blows up like MT. St. Helens. Said the next day that she was getting restraining order and she was staying with affair. What a great job I have done in winning back the love of my life. Really feel it might be over. Didn't get served Monday or today. Learned she was home sick yesterday and think possible same today.

She said on a number of occasions that perhaps God would help her to find her way back to me. I wish I would have let God do the work and not tried to push myself. At this point it really is out of my hands and in Gods. Much more can be said about my personal recovery but for I will leave for later.

Didn't post this until Wed Morning so there is a little confusion in timeline. Does anybody think there is hope for a recovering addict?

Post Extras:

jimld
Junior Member


Reged: 01/27/08
Posts: 3
Re: Lost and lonely my best friend is gone [Re: jimld]
#3408961 - 02/27/08 02:41 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Got a call from DS7 last night after I left work. He said mommy dialed he phone for him. Great to talk to him but mom grabbed the phone and said she was so sick she couldn't get out of bed and please come get him. Of course I said you should have called me hours ago and I would be right there.

Got there in 5 minutes and she was sooooo sick and burning with fever. Ran to the market got some meds made sure she took them. Said I would check on her in the morning. She asked me to feed the horses of course I did. Got school clothes for DS7 and left.

Next morning checked on her, still feverish made some soup for her put in thermos and told her to eat it later as she is really run down. Took DS7 to school and had IC appt at 8. IC and I worked on what went wrong on Sat he said that my principles were right but by not leaving when my WW asked was wrong. Oh well can't seem to do anything right.

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EyesOnThePrize
Member


Reged: 02/01/08
Posts: 110
Re: Lost and lonely my best friend is gone [Re: jimld]
#3409198 - 02/27/08 06:31 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



jimld - One of the hardest parts of my divorce was the fear that I was losing my best friend. As events are turning out, we are rebuilding our friendship and doing it on better grounds since we are both aware of mistakes we made the first time around. To me it is significant that she called you when sick and not OM. It may mean that at some level she finds you more reliable. And its possible that you being there for her while she was sick even after the big argument may open her eyes a little. One bad night, one argument does not a divorce make. There are a lot of people here with a lot more experience in this than me, and they probably have good advice for you. The one thing I will definitely say is that this problem did not get created overnight, it will not get fixed overnight. If you really love her and want to work out things, prepare to spend a long time on the process.

Post Extras:

jimld
Junior Member


Reged: 01/27/08
Posts: 3
Re: Lost and lonely my best friend is gone [Re: EyesOnThePrize]
#3409280 - 02/27/08 08:53 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Thanks EOTP I have followed your posts the last few weeks and they have been a great source of comfort to me.

About 1pm today she called asked me if I had taken lunch, I said no but I had to p/u DS7 at 2:30 from school and take him to his speech therapy appt. She said oh thats what I was calling for, I thanked her for the reminder but I had it all under control.

Asked her if she was feeling better, she said a little and that was it.

After therary appt with DS7 took him back to my office and completed my work day. Texted WW to make sure it was okay to stop by on my way back to apt to get school clothes for DS7. She texted back "yes".
Stopped at house got clothes together my WW was in bed watching TV. I checked in on her asked if she needed anything. She said just to get better, I asked if I could pray for her, laid my hands on her head and prayed for the Lord to continue healing her body.

She asked me what was on my mind. Well of course only about a thousand different things on my mind, but I said nothing only that I would like to see her well. She asked me to feed the horses and dogs, I did. Left for my apt with my DS7.

Would love to know what is on her mind though.

Are you in a recovery program? I highly suggest that. It is very hard to do alone.

Other than that, all of this is just going to take time. Your marriage didn't get in the state it is overnight, and it would be fixed overnight.

If you don't want a divorce, you can stall.

Both addiction and personal marriage recovery, IC weekly. However my WW is not. I should say in the beginning of Jan I told her I didn't want the D and wanted it stopped. Called the county clerk and found out that because we had taken no action that it could not finalize until we did. We were scheduled to be divorced 2-16 but we are not. D is just sitting in limbo and will die a natural death after 12 months of no action. If she really wanted to be divorced then we would be is how I have felt.

Of course after last Sat drama I am a little concerned. I suppose if she began to press D forward I could stall for quite a long time.

It's good that you are in a program, and good that you can stall divorce.

Then stick with us, do lots of reading here, and we will help you through this.

One of my longtime favorite posters here had a gambling addiction and was unfaithful to boot. He and his wife are still married, recovering, and had a new baby 2 years ago. There is lots of hope if you will stick to the program.

Read up on plan A. Do everything you can for your wife to show that you love and support her. Keep praying.

The next time your wife asks you what's on your mind, maybe you can share some of that with her. It sounded like it could have been a step towards intimacy. Did you in the past blow off a question like that from your wife? Did you and your wife ever a have an intimate relationship?

Question, are you a conflict avoider? I say this because most people who are addicted to something, also tend to be conflict avoiders.

If you wife wants in, share your soul with her. No matter how tough that might be. Another words, it's best not to avoid intimacy or possible conflict. Even conflict, handled respectfully, creates intimacy.

"Did you in the past blow off a question like that from your wife?"

Oh no normally I would have been all over that question, but didn't want to get into any discussion with her being sick at that moment.


"Did you and your wife ever a have an intimate relationship?"


Yes very much so been married 17 years much intimacy lost the last 3 or 4.


I think at this point in our lives we both attempt to avoid conflict. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to hurt me, but her actions absolutely kill me.

Well mt day thus far, Got DS7 to school this am, texted my wife to ask if the animals needed to be taken care of as I didn't know if she was able. She called me back and said she was no better perhaps worse. I told her it was time for the Doctor and would be right over after I dressed.

Got the horses tended to and called our family doctor no chance at getting in so I took her to the ER. They ran test and so forth turns out to be the flu. Sure didn't seem like the flu to me but oh well. Oh I should say that when we were in the waiting room she lay down and place her throbbing head in my lap. How I have missed her lying or sitting on my lap, it was difficult to control my emotions and even now I am tearing up. I miss her so.

While waiting in the room we had a chance to talk, she asked how my IC went. I should explain that we had made plans for her to get away from OM and she was scheduled to move to some very close friends few hundred miles away. Had her job transferred and everything. I was to move back into our home this Sat and finnish the school year with DS7 and sell the house.

We only recently moved to the area we are now 1.5 years ago. One of the worst decisions of my life. Our hopes were that WW would get away from OM and that we could work on our recovery. Boy did I mess that up. Well today in the ER she said I should only plan on 2 weeks in my apt. I believe this sickness may have been from the Lord because it did give both of us the chance to consider our actions before making decisions we would regret. Looks like our plan may move forward but with a 2 week delay. Truthfully I don't know what the final outcome will be but I feel we have a fighting chance by her getting away then my following.

Hang in there and keep working on yourself. Any kind of separation isn't good at this point. You need to be together to work things out.

I know this is a bad time to sell the house, but I would try to move where she will be as quickly as possible.

Well we have been separated since August, and if the house doesn't sell by end of May we will leave it vacant.

The nice thing about her moving is that she will be with her true friends they will keep her grounded. Also it is where we were most happy, she won't be able to do anything or go anywhere that it isn't familiar and I believe the feelings for me will grow and she will truly miss me. Not to mention it will make her less available to OM. Truly she is a very good woman and this entire mess is so very out of character for her. I love her dearly and believe this to be a good move.

I didn't check on her this morning, if she is resting I didn't want to wake her. Got DS7 to school and stopped by the house and fed the horses. Now I'm at my office its 9:30 and wondering how she is feeling, but don't want to disturb her if she is resting.

Will give her a couple hours if I don't hear from her.

Well she is still in bed and not feeling well at all. Went over at lunch and fixed her a bite to eat. Didn't talk much at all except that she felt like she might like to leave next weekend rather than 2 weeks. This is significant as it tells me she may not be as attached to OM as I may have feared. I also know she wants to get on to work at her new office. Business here for both of us is crap and she needs to turn some $ quickly.

I pray the home will sell quickly, however I do want her to have some time to consider a life for us together. She has told me a number of times she thinks about us being back together everyday. I know it took a long time for my actions to kill her feelings for me and that I must be patient as she heals.

The very fact she is willing to leave our home and our DS7 in my care shows her faith and trust in me. I must continue to attempt to meet whatever needs she will allow and continue on my own recovery. I am begining to see the hand of God more and more in our situation.

Well I simply must post this. Was completing my day at work and sharing some of the recent events with two of my coworkers. One of my coworkers says, "what is wrong with WW", then says "I want to look up OM profile on match.com", something I have never done. I told her surely he had removed his profile as he was having a EA with my wife. Well she went right to the site and I couldn't believe it but there he was the POS. What makes it funny is he was online at that very moment. I almost fell over, can't believe what a low life piece of crap trying to play the woman I love.

Can't tell you how great I feel to know his true colors. Would have loved to call my WW at that moment and had her come up on the site for herself but I controlled my actions.

I can tell you this, if and when my wife learns this he is history for sure. It also occurred to me that perhaps I scarred him off when I gave him the boot from my home last sat night. Or perhaps my wife gave him the boot herself after she she calmed down and saw the stand I took for our marriage. Or perhaps because she has been so sick this week she hasn't been in contact and he already is moving on to the next poor soul. Actually I would imagine the real truth is that he is a player and a POS.

Think I will sleep soundly tonight. My WW noticed what a great mood I was in when I checked on her for the evening and took care of horses and dogs. She wanted to know why, and I told her it wasn't the time.

Today after my DS7 got up we went to our home and I fixed breakfast for my WW and delivered to her bed with a pink rose. She seems to feel a little better but is very weak from a week with flu. She ate every bite and said it hit the spot. Had a lot to do at the house as I had sold one of our trucks and my motorcycle. Got the truck cleaned up and it was picked up by buyer. I believe my WW does appreciate my selling the truck and bike to help raise some needed $. This will help with mortgage the next few months as the she moves and gets going at her new office.

Truthfully I am willing to do whatever it takes to show her my committment to her and our marriage. Personal things mean little to me what really is important is her and our son. I must keep my expectations low and guard my heart, the Lord knows where she is and I trust in Him.

Continue on the path you are on. But don't have high expectations. Your marriage took awhile to get this way and it will take some time to fix.

I have been back to my apt for about an hour. Just made DS7 a snack and I am exhausted, all the Plan A stuff this week has me exhausted. I was rewarded though without expecting it. WW said that she was glad I was around this week while she was ill. Wonder how she will feel when she is better.

I will miss her terribly when ahe leaves next Sat. She is feeling the stress as well, she will miss DIL and grandchildren terribly as well as DS7. She said today she doesn't want to leave DS7 because thinks I'm too emotional and DS7 picks up on this. Well duh I had to learn about OM from DS7, he knows that OM in the picture is wrong and at times I feel like he feels he needs to protect me. How sick is that and it sure isn't my fault.

Oh well I need some rest, tomorrow is the Lord's day and I am looking forward to church.

Sunday is all but over, just put DS7 down for the night. Been very lonely today, had a wonderful call from oldest son spent over an hour talking about lots of things but mostly my recovery. He is very close to his mom and thinks we have a very good chance at recovering our marriage. However I don't know to be honest I hardly know my wife any longer. I have read on here that is result of EA that she is an alien.

It kills me to think that she may still be calling OM as
I know he has been cruising internet for his next date. Wish I could tell her without it looking like I an trying to make him look bad and it backfires. Told oldest son about it perhaps he will say something to her.

Well at 10pm I texted WW and asked if she was still awake, as she has complained that her back is hurting so much from being in bed for a week that she can't sleep. She texted back yes. So I texted back and asked if she wanted to talk she answered "about what?" I answered nothing heavy just talk. Well she called me right back.

We had the most wonderful talk for an hour about mostly nothing. After about 30 minutes I asked if I was boring her and she said no it keeps mind mind off my back. It was one of those moments that the fog lifted and she was my wife again. Amazing how when we are faced with such pain in our lives that such a simple thing as light conversation can bring so much joy to the troubled soul.

I reminded her that years ago when we were courting I used to talk her to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. I have no lack for the ability to talk, she is the more quiet one. Anyhow I feel good about this simple time, no LBs, no R talk, no talk other than just simple conversation. Nice end to the day goodnite for now

Not much to report, pretty uneventful day. Did have a nice conversation with my old boss (soon to be current boss when I move back) about situation. Even had a few laughs at OM expense.


WW is on the mend, still not 100%. She asked me to stop by the market for her when I brought home DS7. About 7pm she called and said DS7 left his homework in my car so I took it over. Tried to give her a little peck on the cheek, she halfway received it, didn't feel right though wish I hadn't attempted. Came back to apt and haven't heard from her.

WW is feeling better just weak, she seems to be herself as she has been short with me a few times. Been able to not snap back, think her being short may be do to withdrawl though I'm not even sure if there has been contact or not. Would like to talk about it with her but I don't want any further eruptions until she is able to get out of town and a little settled.

As far her being short it doesn't bother me, to me it is worse when she is so withdrawn and says nothing. Plan A seems to be very exhausting, at times I would like to just shake some sense into her. For the first time I have begun to realize I have lost some respect for her. Even during my lowest times in addiction I held her in the highest respect, never said a negative word about her to anyone.

She put me out as an act of tough love, thank God for that as it finally worked. Its hurt my heart that within two months she was starting an EA. To top things off he was a total stranger, not attractive, older. Makes my self esteem crap, I know I must learn to draw my self worth from the Lord.

Changed my thread name because it was so depressing and because WW did not go through with the threats she made when I first posted.

Original plan still stands, she will be leaving in the next few days, I'm beginning to feel the stress of it all. She has shown zero affection toward me in about 10 days, but am doing much better job of not expecting it.

Have not told her I love her for about that same mount of time until last night in an e-mail. Funny when I do mention I love you, she always comes back with I know you do in a very sad way. Sort of like saying I believe you do and I really want to love you also but simply don't at the moment.

Have IC in the morning, don't feel like going but know I must. My couseling is very important to WW almost and EN in many ways. If she really had no feelings for me why would she care about my personal recovery.

Wish I new if there is NC with OM. Won't have a cell bill for for about 2 weeks, I have all but stopped snooping as what is the point. Don't want to just ask her until she away from here so as not to cause any eruptions.

Anyhow just felt the need to post something as it is very theraputic for me. Will try to get another hour sleep now.