Wonder why thread name didn't change? Oh well will look into it later.

Perhaps some guilt over what she did to you?

Have that sick feeling in my stomach today, things are not good at my job and I know that I'm under the microscope. Got into my office this am and immediately my sales manager said I needed to talk with the general manager today. Well that was interesting as my regional manager was here yesterday and today. Feel like I may be being kicked to the curb. Really, I can't see how they can do that, always been a top producer. Currently #1 in sales for the store and #2 in the region. Never written up for anyhting but my pipeline is currently crap and some of the problem is my marriage situation.

Well talked with WW about it as she will be leaving Monday and it shocked me but she said well you may have to leave sooner than later. Meaning follow her sooner than the end of the school year as we had planned. Everthing with her must be deciphered as she seems not capable of a straightforward answer. I really don't think she is ready for us to live under the same roof, she is not sure if I have given my own addictions enough time to recover from. However she doesn't want me very far from her it appears.

Funny, few hours later tried to call me sister and called WW number, when she answered I said my sisters name and no answer, then I said my sisters name again and I heard "this is your wife." WOW you mean I have a wife!!! coming from her it was actually funny.

Tried to sleep but couldn't thought I would post as it seems to help me get stuff off my chest so I can rest. Looks like I can move to be closer to WW a month sooner than we planned. I would love to think that we could at least live under the same roof by that time but I doubt it.

Little concerned tonight, as WW went out with her boss which is a girlfriend of hers as well. Wanted to spend a little time with her before leaving for new job. Of course it makes my mind wonder if that is where she is really at and who she is really seeing. I have no reason not to believe her, except that she has carried on an EA since oct. To be truthful, I am not entirely sure if there has not been some physical contact, I'm not sure I'm far enough in my recovery from gambling that I want to know, might trigger me to act out which would be a deal killer for her for sure.

Though things are going well with WW and myselfs relocation. She will be leaving Monday and my plans now are to move in 6 or 7 weeks.

WW asked me today if I thought about where I was going to live. Of course I have but didn't tell her any details just said God has brought me this far He will bring me the rest of the way. She said I was not the type of person that can make such major decisions without knowing where I'm going to live. She really does know me better than anybody.

My desire and ultimate plan is to continue with Plan A best I can with 200 miles separating us. In about a month I am simply going to ask her if I can rent a home for the family. Don't want to even think about buying, even if our house sells, until I know for sure that we are in recovery and recovering together. If she says we can't live under the same roof I simply am going to rent one for myself and DS7 anyway. I will find a place that will meet the needs of the entire family which can accommodate both my wifes horses and our dogs. She will be staying with our dear friends in a small place and trust me after about 2 months of that she will be ripe for a change.

I don't even know if contact continues, my gut tells me there surely is some contact, but it is very limited and getting more limited since I have proof OM seems to be moving on to next poor soul. Could be reason for WW cold attitude may be withdrawl.

My confidence level for a full and complete recovery continues to grow everday. I know WW doesn't have the feelings for me at the moment which it will take for that recovery. She is very much afraid I will fall back into my addictions but with time I am confident this will change. For the present we have to move away from our largest obsticle to recovery the OM.

Any advice from the vets, anything you would change or add?

Been a long day but a very good day. This morning when I went to work was called into managers office and to make a long story short I was placed on personal leave. WOW what a surprise but to be honest I'm no good to anybody at work and should be happy I still have a job.

I can't help but think that God is in control and that He has given me this time to work on myself, take care of my son and get the house sold. I am to report to my new position on May 1st and my new boss is delighted at getting me back. WW called me and asked me to go to lunch with her to get me away from my office and she was very supportive to me.

Middle son came to visit for the weekend with our two grandchildren, wonderful to see them. Took them all to dinner this evening with WW. Had a wonderful family time really made me long for family recovery. After dinner spent a little time at the house and WW out of the blue came over to me and placed her arms around me. It was more than a hug she actually held me for about a full minute or longer and kissed my neck. The fog lifted and my wife was there with me showing sincere affection. WOW what a moment, DS7 saw this and ran over and hugged us as well, very special moment.

I know we have so very much heavy lifting in our marriage but I feel God is turning the corner for us.

The thought of not knowing if there is still contact with OM has really been eating at me. Have not done any snooping for 2 weeks as I was not sure I could handle it. Well WW took DS7 and grandson snowboarding today and I have been moving my stuff back to our home.

I looked at the phone and thought do I want to know? WW has been erasing the call log every morning to cover her calls to OM for over a month. She had stopped contacting OM on cell for the most part to keep me from knowing. Well I picked up the phone and went through call log. It was not erased all the way back to Feb 26 and no calls to OM. I suppose she could have simply just erased his # but that has not been pattern. It appears that contact has ceased or almost ceased. Makes me feel better but really would like to talk to her about it directly but not until she is out of this town could be major LB.

Your situation sounds very promising to me.

Do you think you are depressed? You might want to see your doc for some anti-D's. They really help you focus at work and not obsess on your problems.

Hang in there, and continue Plan A'ing.

I suppose I am somewhat depressed but not nearly as bad as few months ago. Almost have my stuff moved, WW just picked up our son here at my apt. She was in good spirits and is going to our oldest sons for dinner. I would like to have gone as well but my DIL is still not accepting me well so I didn't push it.

Will be good for her to have some special time with the kids without me as the situation always makes things uncomfortable.

Thanks for the positive note believer.

What's up with DIL?

She is a very protective mother and she thinks I need further work on my own personal recovery from addictions. I don't hold it against her she truely is a wonderful DIL and I know she has all our best interest in mind.

She knows how my heart has been broken by th EA. My son was unfaithful to her early in thier marriage and they know the pain. My son told WW very plainly that he wouldn't take sides between her and I with regard to divorce but the A should stop and if she divorced me she should stay single for a time.

This was a turning point in our situation and really made WW think about how her actions were going to affect the entire family.

Long day working at our home, getting the lawn and what not looking good to sell the home. WW was distant all day but I know she is so stressed about her moving.

Before I left for the evening she expressed her fears about whether we are making the correct choices. She really doesn't like the idea of living with our friends. Said she has never had to do this in her life.

Well I thought this was a good time to throw out the carrot. Told her I didn't like the idea either and thought she should look for a home to rent if she thought we could live under the same roof. She didn't respond but sort of shook her head yes. This was significant if you knew my wife. Then she went into reasons why we could not afford it until our cash flow situation is in better shape with the house payment and all.

I explained to her that we could pull it off that we were in better shape financially than she realized. Other than our mortgage we have no debt at all. I have a little money in the bank but I know she is near broke. She may have a few thousand but has no pipeline of business to count on any cash in the next several weeks.

I have come to the conclusion that our situation is not about A but it is a spiritual battle. God has witheld blessing from us because of our separation and potential divorce. How can God bless a husband and wife living the way we both have been living. If given the oppurtunity tomorrow I want to talk to her about this. I believe heaven and ****** are in a mighty battle for the life of our marriage and that my wife must step out in faith and take a chance on us and God.

Do you all thinks I am nuts

Tonight I cannot sleep and to be honest I am pissed. WW was supposed to leave tomorrow but she has found sooooooo many excuses to delay. Not finnished with her business at work BLAH BLAH. I know she is stressed to the max about the entire plan of her moving and my following.

Perhaps I am way off base and need to take a chill pill but if I find out the reason for her delaying our plans is the POS OM I think I'll explode. I have been able to keep it together so well because she responded so well. Now all this ****** about her broker not wanting her to go and how she BLAH BLAH BLAH [censored] is really taxing my plan A.

So glad I can come here and vent. Had a nightmare about her and OM now no chance of sleeping. I wish we were at a place that she could just be straight with me and let the chips fall where they may. It caused me to look again at the ****** cell bills which is soooooooo bad for my frame of mind that I want to break something and I'm the most nonviolent person in the world. What I would like to break is part of the OMs leg or something.

I pray that it is just my emotions and tomrrow will be a better day. I know that most of the bed I sleep in was made by my own decisions but she must come to the place where she will take responsibility for the POS OM.

Sorry for the rant but most here understand I'll let you know how tomorrow goes

Feel a little better this morning all I can really do is wait and see what happens the next 48 hours. If WW continues to delay I think I will have to make some decisions for myself. My apt is empty and I'm sleeping on an air matress. Gave up the lease moved all my stuff back to our home. Tonight will be the last night I sleep here I don't care if WW likes it or not. Wed night I will be sleeping in my own home no more BS.

She blames me for our entire situation and I deserve the lions share of the blame. However she has complicated things with her EA and I am tired of feeling responsible for her actions. Of course I could be 100% wrong and OM is not the reason for delays.

She just called said it is snowing on the passes that we must travel over. Great, more possible delays a little snow never held her back before. We will see, plan A can be exhausting holding back what I would really like to say. Glad to have this site to let out the frustrations.

Been cleaning apt to keep busy, WW showed up walked in and said " one thing for sure you can clean" she has always admired my ability to keep house when I wanted to. Lived in my later teen years with a grandmother and aunt that were clean addicts so some of it stuck with me. Should have done more of that for her in the past, can see it meets an EN for her.

She jumped on my laptop sent a few e-mails then left. Think she really just wanted to check up on me, why I don't really know. I doubt that she really had a desire to see me, but she seems in an ok mood today.

Found out tonight that contact continues. Oh well not as far along as I let myself be fooled into believing. Can't let it bother me too much as it is to be expected.Should have been a good day but discovery has a way of turning all the positive to crap.

Made WW dinner this evening. Nice salmon which she loves and enjoyed. I'm not going to let this get me too far down. I have come too far and things are really going in the right direction so I am turning it over to the Lord.

WW is really finnishing up the last details before she leaves. She has shown no affection toward me and I have been careful not to try and push any. She asked me before I left for my apt tonight in very serious note. What new hobby do I intend on taking up.

That question speaks volumes, what she is really asking is if I take you back what will keep you from returning to gambling. Or what is going to replace the habit so I can trust you. Most may think that type of question to be a LB. But really its my wife really thinking about us being together or else why the heck would she care. We have have talked about living under the same roof when I move at end of next month and she is going to look at a place.

She either doesn't have the strength to break off EA or she wants him in the wings if I fall back on my addictions. This actually makes my determination stronger. I simply must remember keep working plan A and don't talk A or R which I talked too much about tonight.

I wish I had a stronger moral footing to fight this battle.
With all the crap I placed on my wife it is amazing that she did not finalize the D. She has given me a chance to redeem myself and change. I am beginning to like the man I am becoming. The thought came to me tonight that this new course my life is taking is one that I want to continue even if my wife chooses not to be married to me.

Of course OM complicates everything but if my wife wanted the D finalized it only takes one parenting class and parenting plan and she has done nothing. The D just sits in limbo until it happens, so I am not going to get too freaked out until I have something to be freaked out about.
D dies a natural death if we do nothing.

I can help but think if WW really wanted the A she would not be taking the steps she is to move earn some $ and let me follow. What do the vets think am I being the fool?

Working on reply.......
May have to come back later, as something came up at work.

SS

I have come to the conclusion that our situation is not about A but it is a spiritual battle. God has withheld blessing from us because of our separation and potential divorce. How can God bless a husband and wife living the way we both have been living. If given the opportunity tomorrow I want to talk to her about this. I believe heaven and ****** are in a mighty battle for the life of our marriage and that my wife must step out in faith and take a chance on us and God.

Do you all thinks I am nuts

No.
I believe this is the truth.
If both of you make correct decisions, and follow God with all your hearts, you will get help. It won't be easy, it almost never is easy. However, it can be made to work.


Tonight I cannot sleep and to be honest I am pissed. WW was supposed to leave tomorrow but she has found sooooooo many excuses to delay. Not finished with her business at work BLAH BLAH. I know she is stressed to the max about the entire plan of her moving and my following.

Perhaps I am way off base and need to take a chill pill but if I find out the reason for her delaying our plans is the POS OM I think I'll explode. I have been able to keep it together so well because she responded so well. Now all this ****** about her broker not wanting her to go and how she BLAH BLAH BLAH [censored] is really taxing my plan A.

It is very difficult to keep THE TRUTH in mind when so much is at stake, so lets review.

1. You can't make her do anything.
You made some terrible mistakes. What you did affected her feelings for you. You need to concentrate on YOU, and the changes you need to make. All you can really control is YOU.

2. Make the changes you need to make, and hope she follows.
Men who are doing what they should be doing are attractive to women who want what is right. If you change, and if she is what you think she is, she will be attracted to you. Figure out what you need to do, and do it, even if she won't follow.

So glad I can come here and vent. Had a nightmare about her and OM now no chance of sleeping. I wish we were at a place that she could just be straight with me and let the chips fall where they may. It caused me to look again at the ****** cell bills which is soooooooo bad for my frame of mind that I want to break something and I'm the most nonviolent person in the world. What I would like to break is part of the OMs leg or something.

Don't let this get you off track. What she does should not affect what you do. You ought to have a plan, and be following it, no matter what she does.
Far too many people that come to MB say things like "My WS is doing this, what should I do?"
or
"My WS (wayward spouse) is saying this, so I must not have a chance now."

You need to get your plan straight, and run it. You can look at her reactions to fine tune it, but don't let what she does sway you from running a good plan.

Lets put it this way.........
If you are into sports, you know that the other team does everything they can to prevent you from running successful plays. If you let them get inside your head, and get you off your plan, then they win. STICK WITH YOUR PLAN.

If you don't have a plan, and a time line, then spend more time reading Harleys materials, and put your plan together. A time line is important, it prevents you from giving up too soon, and also protects you from doing plan A too long. Decide how long you want to be in plan A, and how long you can last, and write it down.

If you don't already have Harleys book SAA, you can order it from this web site. It will help with your plan.

I pray that it is just my emotions and tomorrow will be a better day. I know that most of the bed I sleep in was made by my own decisions but she must come to the place where she will take responsibility for the POS OM.

Sorry for the rant but most here understand I'll let you know how tomorrow goes

I know it's hard, but remember what is at stake. If you are going to be a pro, you don't let your emotions control YOU, YOU take control of them. YOU decide how you are going to feel, and how you are going to react.

Hint - you are much more attractive to your WW if you control yourself.
I heard a saying once -

"The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going."

Do you know where you are going?



Feel a little better this morning all I can really do is wait and see what happens the next 48 hours. If WW continues to delay I think I will have to make some decisions for myself. My apt is empty and I'm sleeping on an air mattress. Gave up the lease moved all my stuff back to our home. Tonight will be the last night I sleep here I don't care if WW likes it or not. Wed night I will be sleeping in my own home no more BS.

I recommend you go home, and sleep in your own bed. If she complains, you can say "this is my home, and my bed, I will be sleeping here from now on. If you don't want to sleep here, you can do what ever you think is best, because I can't and won't try to control you. However, I will also do what I think is best, and I think I ought to stand up for our marriage, and come home.

She blames me for our entire situation and I deserve the lions share of the blame. However she has complicated things with her EA and I am tired of feeling responsible for her actions. Of course I could be 100% wrong and OM is not the reason for delays.

"WW, you are exactly right, in that I WAS the cause for all the problems in our marriage right up until you started communication with OM. I am repenting, and changing, and trying to make our marriage work, and trying to atone for my past sins. We'll see what you are going to do, and where it goes from here. I can't and won't try to control you, you are free to do whatever you want. I will continue to try for a time, but if you don't help, I will be making decisions of my own."

This is for example, you have to modify it to fit how you say and do things. Don't take all the blame, and don't tell her you will try forever. Neither are the whole truth.

She just called said it is snowing on the passes that we must travel over. Great, more possible delays a little snow never held her back before. We will see, plan A can be exhausting holding back what I would really like to say. Glad to have this site to let out the frustrations.

LOL, vent all you want to us. Just remember that she needs you to be a strength, and an example.
Can you be the light house for your family? Can you stand the storms?


Been cleaning apt to keep busy, WW showed up walked in and said " one thing for sure you can clean" she has always admired my ability to keep house when I wanted to. Lived in my later teen years with a grandmother and aunt that were clean addicts so some of it stuck with me. Should have done more of that for her in the past, can see it meets an EN for her.

By now, you should have done the EN survey FOR HER by your self. What I mean is, don't tell her about this site yet, or these materials. Get the form, and fill it out FOR HER as best you can. Then work on the top three needs that you believe she must have. You can modify this part as you get more information. But this will give you the best chance in plan A.


Found out tonight that contact continues. Oh well not as far along as I let myself be fooled into believing. Can't let it bother me too much as it is to be expected. Should have been a good day but discovery has a way of turning all the positive to crap.

Made WW dinner this evening. Nice salmon which she loves and enjoyed. I'm not going to let this get me too far down. I have come too far and things are really going in the right direction so I am turning it over to the Lord.

Continue to run your plan. YOU KNOW THE OTHER TEAM IS RUNNING THEIR PLAN.
Don't get distracted by what they do. RUN YOUR PLAN.

WW is really finishing up the last details before she leaves. She has shown no affection toward me and I have been careful not to try and push any. She asked me before I left for my apt tonight in very serious note. What new hobby do I intend on taking up.

This is a marvelous opportunity for you.
"WW, I plan to find out what things we can do together that BOTH of us will enjoy, and concentrate on doing that. That way I will always be helping our love grow, and strengthening our relationship. I suspect it will take time, but I think this can be a really good thing for us."

I think you are wise to avoid pushing affection. Find other ways to show affection. Get her favorite candy bar. Don't give it to her, just leave it where she can fine it. Her favorite beverage, or magazine help too. Compliment her on things that don't sound sappy.
"I love you so much" or "I miss you so much" sound needy, but you can use things like
"WW, do that again for me."
"Do what?"
"Smile like that - I have missed your smile, and I love to see it."
Or
"I love the sound of your voice, thanks for talking to me."

Find ways to express your love for her in ways that don't sound needy. Thank her for any small thing she might do.

That question speaks volumes, what she is really asking is if I take you back what will keep you from returning to gambling. Or what is going to replace the habit so I can trust you. Most may think that type of question to be a LB. But really its my wife really thinking about us being together or else why the heck would she care. We have talked about living under the same roof when I move at end of next month and she is going to look at a place.

It's hard to know for sure what she is thinking. Be prepared for set backs. DON'T THINK THE WORLD WILL END IF SHE MAKES DRASTIC CHANGES.


She either doesn't have the strength to break off EA or she wants him in the wings if I fall back on my addictions. This actually makes my determination stronger. I simply must remember keep working plan A and don't talk A or R which I talked too much about tonight.

R talk comes when she decides to work on things.
If you have a good plan, you can talk about what YOU are going to do to make a happy life for you, and she will be interested. Don't dwell on what she is doing. dwell on a neutral things, or on your happy future. You need to project HAPPINESS, AND SUCCESS. Women are not attracted to wimpy sad men. (SS chuckles)

I wish I had a stronger moral footing to fight this battle.
With all the crap I placed on my wife it is amazing that she did not finalize the D. She has given me a chance to redeem myself and change. I am beginning to like the man I am becoming. The thought came to me tonight that this new course my life is taking is one that I want to continue even if my wife chooses not to be married to me.

If your mistakes are in the past, you do have a stronger moral footing. Act repentant contrite, and humble, that helps. However, also be sure of what you are doing, and show it in your demeanor. She will notice. Always acknowledge that she is free, but show her that you are her best choice.

Of course OM complicates everything but if my wife wanted the D finalized it only takes one parenting class and parenting plan and she has done nothing. The D just sits in limbo until it happens, so I am not going to get too freaked out until I have something to be freaked out about.
D dies a natural death if we do nothing.

Run your plan. Believe success will come.


I can help but think if WW really wanted the A she would not be taking the steps she is to move earn some $ and let me follow. What do the vets think am I being the fool?

Doing what is right is never foolish.

SS

Thank you for your insights Still Seeking what you say makes so much sense. Work my plan

Well must tell you what has gone down in the last few hours.
I exposed OMs cruising match.com for his next date. The Lord really opened a door for me in this. Wife chuckled and said really, we talked about it for some time on the phone. She was going to see him tonight to say good bye but now she said she doesn't give a ****** to say anything to him. She told me in a way she is happy because it makes the move so much easier. She was driving home at the time she kept me on the phone during the entire trip.

When she got home she continued to keep me on the phone brought up match.com and guess what the POS was on line at that moment. He is really is toast. She told me some things were begining to cause her to question his honesty, probably her top EN or at least 2nd. She told me that this is so amazing that this very morning she asked the Lord to show her the truth about OM. Very cool that God choose me as the vessel, asked her if she was upset with me she said not at all she was glad and relieved.

I know she is hurt and mad but she didn't cry. I asked her if she would be okay and if she needed me to come over. She said no but not 20 minutes later she called and asked me to PU a prescription at the drug store and bring it over. I did what I could do to affirm her, though I should be very happy there is a part of me that hates to see her hurt. Thank God it's not me doing the hurting this time. She snapped at me a few times and I told her that I understand and that I could take it. She laughed and gave me a hug I left her to spend some time with DS7 not much more I could do but get in the way.

Would like to listen in on the next phone call from POS OM

Well I just saw WW wife off,she has our large horse trailor with living quarters loaded down pretty good with stuff as well as the horses. She had nothing to say about OM or last night and I didn't ask. She was in a hurry to get on the road, she gave me a hug and said goodbe babe I think. While pulling out of the drive she kept telling things to do like keep the house staged turn on the lights if it is shown, I chuckled and said "honey I sell houses too" we are both in the housing business, she a realtor and me a retail housing consultant.

Feeling a little sad at the moment so I'm going to get busy need to finnish cleaning apt and turn in keys. I hope she will open up soon about OM but I can't be the one to bring it up.



I am taking DS7 over to see her on Sat and Sun as well as our daughter who is flying in today.