Why do you think you will be HOMELESS?

Won't he be required to pay you SPOUSAL SUPPORT?

That would be true in MY STATE.

Thanks Mulan...I read this when it first came out...good stuff, but oh so hard.

It comes in stages...first recognizing that what's causing your pain is the disregard for boundaries that you didn't realize you had. Then comes exploration and definition of those boundaries.

Then comes the communication...and finally enforcement.

I'm at the last stage...and it's scaring the bejeezus out of me!

L2F

Mulan,

I just read your sitch and am so sorry that you are in pain. I believe that there will be good that comes out of this pain though. Either you will be D'd and free, yes I believe you will be ok in this option, or it will by a catylst for your WH to change and possible recover your M. I would suggest hoping for the best, plan for the worst.

I too have had a crises of continued contact by WH and OW, as late as last year before he joined us in NJ by his account.

While financially I have allowed WH to ruin us, thus there isn't anything to fight for. Our YS will hopefully be graduating HS in two weeks. I currently have the financial responsibility for everything, OS, WH, and YS don't contribute. I also bear the burden/financial responsibility for paying the creditors for 5 years under bankruptcy for the failed biz. The weight of all that is almost, not quite, but almost crushed me. So when I found out this current sitch, it didn't break me and I don't really know why.

WH claims to want to recover M, who knows for sure. I know that the future is scarey, believe me. I know what it is like working your whole life believing you were working with someone together for the benefit of the whole (the two of you), and really deep down you and I both knew that this was a farce, some part of our sitch was a lie, we lied to ourselves about it. Part of the old PA dance I think? Anyway, we not only have to own our part, but figure out how to do things differently, if only in other relationships, not necessarily romantic, but any relationship. I take the responsibility for being a doormat, but I want to be an example especially for YS on how to rise above problems, how to work through the pain in a good way, how to grow as a person, how to be happy in life no matter what the circumstances are.

I hope the same for you and your YS. You have helped me in the past, you have a lot to give, give some of that to yourself, for yourself.

Best,

Bump

bumping for those who may need it....lol

not2fun

Another Bump to the top for those who haven't read this....

Bump

bump as well.....

not2fun

Bump,

hasnt been up for a while

Full disclosure: My wife recently began secretly reading Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage. I "outed" her in our most recent counseling session.

This is a woman who betrayed me and was unfaithful in her heart. She spent more than a year denying her EA was an act of unfaithfulness until our current counselor broke through her wall of denial and backed her into a corner and took away all her excuses. What business does she have reading about boundaries? The only boundaries she needs to be concerned about right now, at least until she rebuilds trust and helps heal our marriage, are those between her and other men.

In my reading, the Co-dependency Movement and the Boundaries Movement (my term for those who swallow whole the concept in the Cloud-Townsend series of books) are almost always intertwined. They use the same terminology, such as having a "self" that is differentiated from your spouse, being complete and whole apart from your spouse, "owning" your feelings and emotions and needs, the damage caused by trying to keep your spouse happy, self-esteem, taking care of yourself, etc.

Dr. Harley has some things to say about co-dependency here,

How the Co-dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages

I certainly agree that in the case of infidelity, telling a spouse what you will and will no longer tolerate is good, right and necessary. The problem I have is that the Boundaries concept plays into the selfish nature of people. It's my opinion that it damages more marriages than it helps.

Bump

Bumping ^^^^^^